JUSTIN’S POV

There. I said it.

I don’t wanna wait.

I can’t wait. I see things passing me by and I realize that I don’t wanna be like Brian. Don’t wanna live my fucking life like this every goddamn day. Missing out on things, even if it is just time together. Being together and not getting wasted or fucking. Just being together, talking or watching a movie or listening to music. Anything. Just not at Babylon or in… bed.

I need to know that… I need to be told… that he cares. That I’m more than just a fuck. And I know Michael keeps saying Brian loves me, but I don’t believe him anymore.

If Brian loved me, he would’ve stayed. If Brian loved me, he would’ve said fuck the business, and gone with me to Vermont. But now he’s in Chicago. And I’m here.

Alone.

Think I’m gonna wait, Brian?

Fuck you.

Fuck… you.

I’m sick of following you. Of relying on you. Sick of letting you push me around, push me down, make me feel like shit. I’m not the same person I was when we met. I know you now. I know you, and I don’t let all your faults pass me by like Michael does. Your charms don’t work on me. Your lies don’t fill my head, because I know what you can be like. Know how you can feel. And the fact that you fucking hide it from me… that you want me to feel like… I’m lucky to be in your bed… that I should be grateful when you come home… that I should like it when you share your tricks with me… fuck… you…

I know you. And I know you can love. And I know you have loved. And I know you don’t want to hurt me… and I even think that maybe you don’t know how much you are hurting me.

But I don’t make excuses for you like Michael does.

I won’t.

Can’t.

I make a decision, and I get on the plane to Vermont. Alone. Head high. Fuck him. Fuck him. I keep running it over and over in my head. I don’t give a shit what he wants. I’m doing what I want for once in my goddamn life. And he can’t treat me like shit anymore. I’m not waiting.

The flight is short. Too short. I don’t have time to even calm down, still so mad I can’t see straight. The more I have to do alone, the more pissed I get. Grab my luggage. Pick up the rental car. Drive to the lodge. Check in. See the fucking huge king size bed. And…

Fuck… him…

No. No. No. Nonononnononono…

Not going to…

I drop my bag and climb onto the bed. Roll onto my side. Curl my knees to my chest.

Fuck… him…

Not… going… to… Christ… I’m… not… going… to…

I brush away the tear quickly. Didn’t happen. Allergies. Something. Anything.

Another. I push it away.

I’m not going to cry any more tears over Brian Kinney. I’m not some heartsick queer. I’m not some little girl crying over her boyfriend.  I knew the score. I knew what would happen. I thought I could change him. But I can’t.

And now…

I don’t remember why I love him anymore.

Then Christ, shit, don’t think about it. Don’t try, because it’ll come back so fast so hard and a million things pound into my brain and I can’t stop can’t stop can’t stop...

He’s fucking me and holding me and kissing me for the very first time…

He’s laughing with me and putting his arm around me and I love it…

He’s protecting me from my dad, he’s letting me move in with him, he’s finding me when I run away and he’s making sure I have somewhere to live…

He’s standing up for me, he’s showing up at my prom and he’s there every night for me, watching me… though he’ll never know I know about that…

He’s helping me remember… and forget. He’s making it all better, and he’s making love to me like it was the first time all over again…

He’s letting me in. He’s treating me like his friend… he’s teaching me to be a man…

He’s letting me tell him what I want, listening to me, helping me, always protecting me. Loving me… in his own way…

And there’s so much more. There’s so much more that I can’t even say or put into words, because there are no words for how much I love him… and for what we have…

But…

I push the tears from my face with the back of my hand and try not to shake… it starts in my stomach, rattling me inside, pushing through my guts… my teeth chatter and I squeeze my eyes shut, just trying to breathe but the shivers pass through me, escape, show themselves. I don’t want to think about… why I’m here… and he’s not…

I had to come. I couldn’t wait. And he needs to know that. I can’t tell him. I had to show him.

BRIAN’S POV

Fuck me, I rock! I was scared, shit, yeah, I was scared. But damn, I’m good. Despite what everyone thinks of me, I’m not so tough on the inside. Not so tough that I wasn’t willing to do *anything* to keep my job. I mean fucking anything. And instead, I got to prove it. And I love proving it. To anyone… to everyone.

Brian Kinney is the shit… yeah, I know.

I smile to myself on the plane… can’t help it. The stewardess smiles at me back, and I let my hand brush against her ass, just to make her happy. Spread the Kinney love, baby. She winks at me, and I just grin like an idiot. Happy, happy, happy…

I suck back another glass of shitty champagne on the plane and pick up the airport phone embedded in the seat in front. I start to dial the loft… then… hang up.

Nah, I’ll surprise him. Burst open the door and holler, pack your bags, sonny boy! We’re going to Vermont. Maybe we should go to Vegas instead, I’m such a lucky bastard. No, maybe we should go to the Bahamas… Bali… Europe! Anywhere. I just want to go anywhere to celebrate… and I wasn’t kidding, I wanna spend a week with him. He thinks we’ll be snowboarding, but… oh God, what I can do to him. So much more he doesn’t know… a week in bed… Christ…

I’m all smiles again and the stewardess catches my eye and does a little nod, motioning me to the back. I shake my head, don’t do cunt, baby. Hmm, but the boy beside you looks promising… can’t wait can’t wait can’t wait to get home…

Make my stop at the agency and spread the word to new Mr. Asshole that I closed the deal. Hah, suck on that big one, you fucker. I’m so in, and I know it. I keep my cool in front of Vance, but shit once I leave and close the door to the bastard’s office I let out a big sigh. Cynthia’s there and gives me a hug, telling me to go home to Justin.

And I do go home, leaving it all behind. Yeah, I’m business, but fuck, I’m pleasure now. I stop off at the liquor store and buy the best fucking bottle of champagne I can find, thinking about pouring it down Justin's chest and licking it off his skin. Christ, getting a fuckin’ hard on just thinking about it. Can’t wait to see his face, he’ll be so goddamn happy to see me.

I mean, I know he was pissed at me. But he doesn’t understand—it’s about me getting better and better and proving to everyone who thought I couldn’t do it. Showing them that I can do it, that I’m a success. That I can support my son and my lover, that I will never ever ever be like Jack… begging his kid for cash… never ever… but Justin doesn’t know about that… doesn’t know the fear… I feel at night sometimes… in the dark…

But whatever, that's history. I'm so in now and this just sets me up for so much. For everything. I grin again as I leap up the stairs to the loft, my heart aching to celebrate this success.

I push open the door to the loft, laughing, amazed at how good I feel. I never knew it would feel this good, that I could feel this good... well, that's not true. I've known it since Justin taught me that it's possible to feel this good.

I call out his nickname… Sunshine… I know he hates it, but I can’t help myself.

Push the door closed and yell out to Justin to congratulate me. I tell him that his partner… just made partner… letting the little admission of… who I am to him… slip by… kind of proud that I said it… that he heard it… that I could…

How do I not see… how do I not notice right away? It’s cold… too cold… and quiet… the computer’s off… the stereo’s off… the lights… are almost all… off…

No one’s here.

No one’s… here…

Okay, he’s not waiting for me here. He’s gone out. I stupidly didn’t tell him how long I’d be gone, that it’d only be a day, that I planned on coming home and taking him away and we’d be together and shit where the fuck is he…

He… I shake my head and put down the bottle of champagne. Look at it. Hm… I’ll save it. Save it for him. Lick it… Christ… where the fuck is he… where the fuck… he… never turns off his computer. He… I take a step towards the bedroom… don’t know why I’m scared… don’t know why I feel like…

I let out my breath… his stuff is here… Christ… for a split second… I was sure… he’d run… from me… but…

He’s still here… not gone… just out… must be… at Babylon… with the boys… right…

I pull off my jacket and tie… strip out of my suit… get rid of the business… get down to Brian… for Justin… and I don’t see… don’t look at… the fact that his bag is gone… don’t notice… that some of his stuff is gone… completely ignore the fact that… one of the tickets to Vermont… is gone…

Don’t see that.

I don’t see anything…

Pull on jeans… black shirt… one I know he likes on me… I’m gonna see him at Babylon… but drop a hit of E just to get me there… open the bottle of Jack Daniels and wash back the pill… drink more… drink more… so I remember not to see anything…

Hm, dizzy now… fuckin flying… good. Ready to… go find him…

Somehow I get there… shouldn’t be driving… but… whatever… gotta see him… gotta see Justin… gotta tell him… it was worth missing a day or two… worth waiting for me… worth it…

By the time I get there… had another hit… and feel so good… bounce around the corner and find Mikey and the boys… give Mikey a kiss… to touch… reality… feel like me… because I’m too dizzy to be anyone else…

I look… don’t see Justin… where’s Justin… where is he… I ask… and Ted laughs… a fuckin’ smirk… and Emmett tells me he’s not here… and I tell them that I have big news… to tell Justin… gotta tell him… gotta tell him… where is he… I ask… but I know… and… why the fuck does Mikey all of a sudden know all about Justin… when did this happen… and he tells me… Justin went to Vermont… and I laugh… whatever… but Emmett tells me he went snowboarding… and it’s back… and I see everything… my eyes are wide open and I see his bag is gone his clothes are gone the loft is shut up and the ticket is gone and Justin is gone gone gone… not waiting anymore… gone gone gone…

All I can ask is if he was alone… alone… alone… and I don’t know… if hearing that he went alone… is worse than hearing that he took someone… and Mikey confirms the worst one… that he went alone… alone… alone… and suddenly… Christ… I feel fucking kicked in the stomach… like… my fucking heart is gonna cave in… I suck on a cigarette… have to do something… anything… or I’ll fucking rip my hair out… fuckin’… don’t know if I feel more sorry for him for having known me… or sorry for myself that he left me… and all I know… is that we’re both…

Alone.

Ted asks me what the big news is… and… I… it’s not important anymore. I think I forgot… what was important… I think… I made… a big…

Would I feel like this if I lost my job?

I know I can get another job…

But…

Could I ever… possibly… ever… find someone again… that… makes me… feel… I mean… could I ever get… another…?

I know the answer to that… and I know I made a big… mistake… 

JUSTIN’S POV

I open my eyes… and realize… that I cried myself to sleep… don’t want to do that… don’t want to be pathetic and reliant… and… Christ… I can’t stop…

I wanna call… so bad… wanna know if he’s home… if he’s noticed… if he knows… but I can’t.

This is what I have to do.

This is what I need to…

Brian takes me for granted.

Can’t let him anymore. Can’t. I’m too important… I’ve decided. I’m… too… important…

I slowly lift myself off the bed… I feel out of it… slept for only a couple hours… but now I’m hungry and still tired… and feel like shit…

I look around at the room… the fireplace… the balcony… the big bathtub… and my eyes are hot and scratchy and I want to laugh at myself for how fucking stupid I am to think that… Brian… would ever want to come… here… with me…

And I’m even more angry at myself for thinking that… because… I’m too important. I’m worth it. I need someone that can… tell… me…

I stumble off the bed… and into the bathroom… fuck… I look like such shit… eyes red… hair sticking up all over… and… I can’t stop… letting it out… gotta stop… gotta stop…

Slip out of my clothes… get in the shower… can’t stop… everything makes me feel like… him… everything… makes… me… think of… him… and I feel like we’re never going to see each other again… and… I know that’s not true… but I also know… that it’ll never be the same again…

Because…

I can’t go back… to the way it was…

Can’t… go back…

Can’t…

Do this…

Feels like a fucking hour in the shower, but I finally get out… better now…

Get dressed… go down stairs… out in the street… can’t smile… people look at me… guys… looking at me… want me… and I can’t… even… be the least bit interested…

Find a store… buy a bottle of tequila… some chips… cigarettes… and go back to the room…

Alone.

Sit on the balcony… fucking freezing… but… I don’t care… and I eat the bag of chips… sucking on cigarettes… and knocking back the bottle of tequila… until I feel like I’m gonna puke… and I don’t know why I bothered… if all I was going to do was come here and kill myself… over Brian…

It’s late now… and I don’t know when he was going to be home… was it today… tomorrow… don’t know… he didn’t tell me and I didn’t ask. I couldn’t open my mouth when he left me there. Couldn’t believe…just looked… and… couldn’t think of a single word to say. He walked out the door. And left me…

Alone.

Not calling anyway.

I’m here for a reason.

To make a point.

My point.

And I feel like I’ve crossed over some… gap… some… chasm… and it’s just widened… and I can’t… ever… go… back…

No more waiting.

BRIAN’S POV

Walk away walk away walk away… fuck… Brian… breathe… leave it leave it leave it… the crowd in the alley pushes around me… and I can’t look up… can’t let anyone see what’s there…shoulders down… beaten up…

I glance behind me… sure Mikey is coming after me… but… he’s not…

Christ… fuck… why…

I want Mikey to come… but I don’t… because I can’t tell him… but… I haven’t felt like this… since… I sat there… in that goddamn hospital… watching him… die… fuck… I couldn’t stop… what I knew was going to happen… I couldn’t control myself… couldn’t stop… the fuckin’… pain… I don’t know… why… this means… so much… except… I’m…

Alone.

I feel a growl in my throat… wanna scream… can’t stand this… this is why this is why this is why… I didn’t want to… I swallow… hard… fuck… fuck fuck fuck… and…

Pick up my head and keep going. Put the stride in my step. Go… away… and realize… how unimportant… it really was anyway… how miniscule… it all was… how…it means nothing… nothing… nothing…

Go… walk away… Christ… I’m good at it…

I suck on my cigarette… good… yeah… good… just think… five days… alone in the loft… the fucking parties I’m gonna have… three… four guys… worshipping my cock… my ass… my nipples… my mouth… oh yeah… I’ll fuck it all away… all away… fuck everything… away…

Alone.

Don’t know where I’m going… can’t think… just walk down the street… past Woody’s… past the clubs… past the bars… the baths… the nickel theatres… the places I usually go… usually went… before… and… now… I can’t go in any… nothing… interests me… nothing… and I tell myself… that I want to be…

Alone.

I’m back at the Jeep and I drive suicidally home. Hoping… somehow… that he’s come back… that they’ve all been fucking with me… and that… he’s there…

But… I open the door again… and nothing. No one…

I stumble up the steps to the bed and fall down on the duvet… kicking off my shoes… and pants… pull off my shirt… and lie here naked…

Close my eyes… and… just try to pretend… for a second… that I hear him breathing… that he’s here… and… I don’t feel anything… just need… to close my eyes… for a sec… need to… rest…

JUSTIN’S POV

Fuck… almost goddamn puked… I hang over the toilet… dry heaving… hoping that I can puke… but not wanting to stop being drunk. Not wanting to lose this nice fuzzy warm feeling… not wanting to… feel anything else…

I push myself away from the toilet… shaking my head to clear it… what a fucking mess… my fingers are numb… my nose is running… I’m completely frozen from sitting outside… fucking convinced I have hypothermia… I look at the Jacuzzi tub… and laugh… like… I’d get in there… by myself. How fucking pathetic is that. Too pathetic…

Instead I strip off my clothes and wrap myself up in the big robe… ignoring the fact that there are two in the closet… climb beneath the covers… rubbing my feet together to warm them… Christ… feel twice as dizzy lying down… but don’t care… just need… to close my eyes for a sec… just need to… rest… for a sec…

BRIAN’ S POV

Hmmm… mmmmm… mmmm… too… quiet… I reach out my hand… absently… reaching for… waiting to feel… eyes closed… reaching… for… wanting to touch… but…

Nothing…

I open my eyes and see the clock… 3:00… middle of the night… and fuck… I squeeze my eyes shut to stop seeing the empty place in the bed beside me… everything pushing into my brain… remembering… what… happened… trying to forget again… roll onto my back… and don’t think… don’t remember… push it out of my head… why I’m here… why he’s not… don’t want to see… his absence…

Christ… I fucked up… and I don’t know how to fix it… and I’m pissed for feeling like I should fix it… not my problem… not mine… he’s the one… but… I can’t explain why I feel like… I’m missing something… like… he left me… like… my fucking heart hurts… and I fucked up… again…

Still wasted… gotta be why… I feel… like this… I think of the champagne in the kitchen… think about… what I was gonna do… pour a little in Justin’s belly button… and suck it out of him… fill my mouth with it… and kiss him… let… $200 worth of champagne pour down our chins… as we sucked on each other’s lips…

Tears in my eyes… and my dick is fucking hard… I’m a fucking mess…

Because of…

Whatever…

I rest my hand on my crotch… just holding my cock… trying to think of his fingers on me… never forceful… always… soft… always… the same… I’ve had millions of hands on my cock… but… none have felt quite… like his… 

So glad I didn’t bring anyone home tonight… so glad… and another wet streak drips down the side of my face… hot… then cool… and making me think of how he sucks my nipples sometimes… biting… then blowing… hot… then cool… and… I squeeze my dick a little… just… a bit… and… imagine… I’m holding his cock… and his hand is on mine… and… I try to remember… how it feels… though I know no matter how hard I ever try… I know I couldn’t possibly ever forget…

JUSTIN’S POV

I roll over a bit… where’s… Brian… why isn’t his hand on me… why… where… I roll over more… and hit the cool expanse of sheets…

Remember…

I’m not home… not at the loft… not where I should be…

Remember…

It’s so dark in here… can’t see much… the clock blinks 3:00 and I realize why I woke up… makes me mad… that my subconscious doesn’t realize… he’s not coming to me tonight…

I’m tangled up in the robe… and I’m sweating and hot… still out of it… fuck… tequila… used to be good for me… but… maybe too much… can’t think straight… and I push off the covers and pull out of the robe kicking it to the floor… letting one sheet fall back on top of me… the cool cotton welcome on my naked body…

And I sigh… not gonna remember… but… I do remember… the way he touches me… the way his hands touch me… and I almost remember… almost… can feel… almost… now…

I hold my hand over my cock… not touching… just feeling the warmth of my palm hovering over my skin… and I think… about him… on me… think about the way… he fucks me… the last time… we fucked…

Yesterday morning… before he left…

I woke up… his eyes on mine… I was sleeping on my stomach… and he climbed on my back… slid his cock in me… sooooo… sloooooow… I could feel him pushing in me more and more… filling me… and I lay there… so content… pushing back… as he fucked me… fucked me… and we came… both… nice… and long… not rushed… just… building… then release… and I loved it… loved it…

Christ… my dick is hard… just thinking… about it… remembering… and no matter what I want… no matter what I try to imagine about Brian and I… the sex… is always… so fucking… fantastic… he knows… just what to do… and I know… how to make him… moan… because he taught me… what he likes… and… God… he’s… I hold my hand over my cock… imagining… he’s there… he’s here…

I twist my hips a little to the side… suck on my finger to make it wet… then… reach behind me… and just… touch my hole… and it’s okay… but I think of Brian’s cock… pushing against me… ready ready ready… for the sharp push in… ready ready ready… to take him… to let him in… to… hmmmm…. I slip my finger inside and think about… him… and it’s not enough… not nearly enough… I need his cock… need him… I let my other hand drop and take my dick between my fingers… stroking myself… pretending… Brian’s watching me… getting off on… watching me…

I push my finger harder inside… push… push… push… start jerking my cock in earnest… started something… can’t stop now… panting… feeling hot all over… hold my finger inside my hole… reaching for… hmph… there… and my mouth drops open… sucking in breaths… pulling on my cock… squeezing… holding… faster faster slower faster more more… pushing in and sliding another finger inside… arching my back to go deeper… trying… to get there… and… oh oh oh oh… Christ…and my fingers start to push out and I hold them in getting harder and harder and pulling my dick… thinking of Brian standing at the edge of the bed watching me… rubbing his cock… watching me… running his tongue over his mouth as he bends towards me… and I feel the tingle and I’m ready and I’m cumming and I lift my head to meet Brian’s lips… but… but… he’s not there…

My eyes fly open… and cum… spurts from me… onto the sheets… and I let go of everything… just stop… the last waves rolling over me… ignoring it… not letting it… take me…

I roll onto my side… and pull one of the pillows into my arms… wanting to hold onto something… wanting to feel something else there… squeezing it hard… breathing in the smell of the bleached cotton… so not like the loft… so not like home… so not like… what I want…

Don’t want to be…

Alone.

BRIAN’S POV

Shit… shit… shit… I almost believe myself… his hand on my cock… his fingers rolling my balls… and we’re jerking each other off… like we did that time… in the bathroom of that restaurant… he didn’t want to fuck… not here… he said… but I wanted to make him cum… and so we compromised… and our hands slid down our pants… and we grabbed each other’s dicks… and pumped them hard… and I pushed my forehead against his… and his other hand… slid… to my balls… and we… came… at the same time… holding cum in our hands… laughing at ourselves… that we couldn’t wait… and… and… and… Christ… my fingers slide up and down and up and down… I use both hands… fingering the tip… rubbing my thumb… in just the right place… and I let it take me there… need to… want to… mmm… mmm... mmm… mmm… shit… uh… more more more… and… I fuck my hand… squeezing harder… pushing up into my palm… trying to imagine… I’m buried in his ass… and more more more… and… oh… God… finally cum…

And that was… fucking… unsatisfying…

I wipe the cum from my chest and suck in a breath… look around at the empty bed… he’s still not here…

But… he is… this bed… is… ours… and though there’ve been hundreds of others… he’s the only one that’s been here more than once or twice… he’s the only one that shares this bed… from that first night to the night before last… and… it’s not mine anymore…

I grab the duvet from the bed and drag it to the couch. Lie down. And don’t think about him. Don’t think about how I’m here…

Alone.