JUSTIN'S POV

Ethan sighs heavily in my arms and I pull him tighter to me.

No matter what he thought... or wanted to think... there is no way this will work. No way I can let it work.

And I felt like I was losing him... as soon as I heard Brian’s words... leave his lips...

There’s nothing noble about being poor...

I heard it once... so distinctly... then heard it again... even louder... it didn’t sound right the second time... didn’t sound right... Ethan’s voice with those tainted words...

It wasn’t the words that bothered me... he’s right... there is nothing noble about being poor... about having no hot water... living on borrowed money... clipping coupons and drinking cheap wine... returning bottles and saving pennies... taking the bus and going without cable...

There’s nothing noble about any of that... but there’s nothing so fucking special about being rich either... nothing special at all... if you have to lie to get there...

It’s not right what they want Ethan to do. And that’s what it’s about. It’s just not right.

He pulls out of my embrace and kisses me again... soft kisses... and I want to kiss him back... I want to believe that this is what he wants... want to be supportive and be there for him...

But...

But he’s making this decision for both of us... making a decision for me that I don’t want... and... I think I could understand where he’s coming from... and I think I could support him... but... I don’t like that he’s pushing me somewhere I don’t want to go... asking me to do something for him that is so fucking inherently wrong for me...

I can’t...

I can’t...

Christ...

I can’t...

And to make it worse... I know that it’s not even entirely his decision... that Brian was there putting those words in his mouth... that Brian somehow got to him and fed him ideas and told him he was wrong... and Ethan thought that Brian’s words... were more important than his love for me... 

Fuck... I knew I didn’t want Brian to know about all this... I knew I shouldn’t have said anything to Deb and I should’ve known damn well that she’d end up trying to rub it in Brian’s face... try to prove to Brian what a boyfriend should be...

Ethan’s lips leave mine, and he puts his hands on either side of my face... looks at me... “Don’t be mad,” he whispers... “It’ll work out.”

“I don’t see how,” I drop my arms from his waist.

“I love you, Justin... I’ll make it work... they can’t make me stop loving you... nobody could,” he says, and his hands find mine... he grips my fingers tightly and I feel his palms are cool and damp... I hate that he’s nervous... I hate that he feels like this... but...

I just shake my head. “It’s not right,” I mumble under my breath...

“Come here,” he pulls me towards the bed, and I take few steps towards him... then stop.

“I need some time, Ethan... I need to think about this...” my fingers slip from between his and I take a step back from him, then another... I go to the door and grab my vest again, not really wanting to go out, but not wanting to look at him... not wanting to listen to any more of Brian Kinney’s fucking words come out of his mouth...

He stands at the edge of the bed... staring at me...

“Jus... please don’t go... don’t be mad,” he dips his head and shoves his hands in his pockets...

I just shake my head... “I’m not mad... Ethan... I’m just... I just feel...” I let the words hang in the air... I don’t want to tell him how I really feel... not because I don’t want to tell him the truth, but because I know he’ll be hurt... and I don’t want to hurt him now... he’s not the one I want to hurt right now...

I put my hand on the door and start to open it... “I’ll be back soon... I... just need to think about it... I need some air, okay?”

He nods and sits on the bed. “I’ll be waiting for you,” he says quietly and lies back on the pillows, watching me. “I’m not going anywhere.”

I lock eyes with him and don’t let go till I walk out the door.

I know he loves me... I know he’d never hurt me... I know... I shouldn’t feel like this...

But...

I feel betrayed...

Betrayed by Ethan... because he listened to Brian... when he should’ve listened to his heart... betrayed by him because he fell prey to the same fucking charms that had me... whatever the fuck it is that Brian Kinney has... that can make you do what he wants... believe what he wants...

Christ... I wish I never took Brian’s money... never let him pay for tuition... never let him give me that fucking computer... I wish I owed him nothing... I wish I had no binds with him... I wish I...

I wish I didn’t feel like I do...

Hurt... and lied to... and like... Brian will always be in my life... whether I want him or not... and... and...

Fuck...

Why can't he leave me alone? Brian made it clear to me that he doesn’t fucking want me... why can’t he just let me be happy? Why can’t he just leave me... to make my own mistakes... leave me to do the things I want to... leave me and Ethan alone and let Ethan love me like I know he does...

That’s all I want... is someone to love me...

And Brian thinks that it can never happen, but he’s wrong... I know that it won’t be easy... I know that it’s not perfect... but... Ethan loves me... and that’s more than Brian can ever say... so why does he insist on being there all the fucking time... why does he care... why can’t he let it happen for me...

I don’t know what it is with him... I don’t know what he expects from me... what he wants from me... what he thought that telling Ethan to lie about himself and about us would achieve... I don’t know if he really meant for this to happen...

But of course he did...

Brian Kinney fucking plans everything... Brian Kinney has the world on a string... nothing happens in his world that he doesn’t want to happen... and when something fucks up... it miraculously gets fixed by one of the stupid people out there, like me, that for some goddamn reason, love him... we all clean up his shit and he never gets any on him...

Fuck him.

Fuck that.

I hit the street and walk towards Liberty Avenue... knowing exactly where my feet will take me... knowing exactly where I’ll end up...

And when I finally get there... finally end up outside Babylon... I stop outside first before going in... smoke a cigarette... take long drags... breathe deeply... getting angrier and angrier... pushing the hurt down inside... pushing it far, far down where it can’t escape and let Brian know... let Brian know that he won again...

I go inside... the familiar thud of the music almost making me feel nostalgic... making me feel like a different person again... and I push through the crowd quickly before I get lost in it...

I know where to find Brian... know exactly where to find him...

Enter the backroom... slow my pace... walking through here... I realize it’s been a while... forgot the smell in here... forgot the sounds in here... forgot... forgot... what I did in here... and then get a pang of that old feeling of jealousy and pain I got so used to back here... watching Brian fuck others... watching Brian... prove to me over and over again that he’d never be mine... never wanted me to be his...

Then I see him... find him like I’ve found him a thousand times before... at the back... boy sucking his dick, of course... I swallow that old hurt and bring back my anger...

Brian’s head rolls back against the wall and he’s fucked up, I can see that from here... I stand for a second and watch him... despite how angry I am... he’s still beautiful... despite how wasted he is... he’s still beautiful...

Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him...

I move towards him and push past the plastic curtains... I put my hand on the shoulder of the trick and tell him to fuck off... I feel Brian’s gaze turn to me... I see his fingers clench in the trick’s hair... see him jolt a little at my voice...

Surprised?

I fucking hope so...

I tell the trick to fuck off again, pulling him off Brian's dick... Brian releases his grip and the kid stands up, staring at me up and down, then he walks away... standing in the corner, watching us... knowing that the fucking Brian and Justin show that played here for so many nights is about to make a repeat performance...

Not like before though... not gonna end up with kisses and a mind-blowing fuck... can’t appease me like that anymore... 

Brian looks at me, then his eyes dance around... he can’t hardly focus... can barely keep his eyes open... making stupid comments... he’s trying to find me and I think I’ve thrown him off guard...

I rail into him... I tell him to mind his own business and demand he tell me what he told Ethan... he comes back with his fucking smart ass answers... I repeat back his words that I feel like I’ve heard a thousand times...

There’s nothing noble about being poor...

His gaze wavers... he looks around... hardly even listening to me... his eyes flick to mine then away... but I hold my ground... I won’t fucking let him go... and I know I’ve got him because he can’t look at me... won’t look at me...

I tell him Ethan signed the papers... that it’s done... that Brian succeeded in fucking up my life the way he wanted...

But Brian just keeps coming back... throwing out his typical comebacks... like he wants me out of his face... like... I’m not worth his time...

Like I’m nothing... like... he could... care less...

And my strength... fades away... the hurt rising again...

And... I forget... I forget... everything... my voice loses it’s anger...

“What about me?” I ask... and I know the words are a mistake before they leave my mouth... wish I could pull them back... laugh it off... push them away...

He shakes his head and looks at me like I’m fucking 12 years old... I don’t want to hear what he’s going to say... I don’t want to let it hurt... I don’t...

“What about you?” he asks... and his eyes snap to mine... now I’m trapped... caught in his stare... his nose wrinkles up and he stares at me like I’m stupid... “You expect him to sacrifice his career for a piece of blond boy ass...”

I feel the words as they hit my face... like fingers dashing across my cheek... smacking me unexpectedly... hitting me hard... where it hurts...

I think of a thousand things to say... millions of words to throw back at him... lash out at him as harshly as he has me... verbal abuses and taunts and defenses against what he said...

And yet... I stand there... mouth hanging open... unable to speak... my stomach churning in knots as his insult rings around my head...

...blond boy ass...

Is that what he thinks of me...?

Is that... who I am to him...?

His eyes search my face... for what? What? I can’t move... just... feel the intensity between us... he stands there... pants around his thighs... dick erect in the vee of his jeans... wavering back and forth in front of me... he leans into me again...

“Is that your idea of true love, Sunshine...” the words roll off his tongue... a blow to my heart...

I wanna scream at him... I wanna tell him to take it back! Take it back! Don’t say this...

Don’t make me feel like this...

Don’t make me hate you for saying these things...

Don’t make me care that you think this of me...

Don’t make me feel selfish... for only wanting... to be with someone that wants to be with me back...

Don’t do this to me...

Don’t make me think that you... might... care... that I’m not with you anymore...

Don’t make me think that...

We stand together... mouths inches apart... I can feel him so close to me again... smell him... I’m overwhelmed with him... and I hate it... I fucking hate it...

How can I let him hurt me again?

And why does he want to hurt me again?

Why does he fucking care?

I wanna tell him to leave me alone... leave Ethan alone... to... to... either want me... or stay out of my life... because I can’t have it like this... I can’t... live my life like this... caught in this fucking limbo... between trying to love someone and knowing I never will... between trying not to love someone and knowing I always will...

Anything I could’ve said just turns to dust on my lips... fades away... I wait for another blow... don’t know what more he could say to hurt me now... don’t know... what more...

But... he looks away... distracted... stumbles to the waiting trick with the willing mouth... I watch him... watch as his eyes roll back... watch as he succumbs to his favorite diversion...

I feel my lips curl and I want to lash out but I know it’s pointless now... I came here to find out why... and I leave feeling... more confused...

Feeling betrayed by Brian... for trying to fuck with me... betrayed by him... for not letting me go...

He told me once he wouldn’t love me... and I got the fucking message. So I left. I’m gone. I don’t ask him for anything. He doesn’t have to ever talk to me again...

And yet he cares... cares enough to want to fuck up what I have... cares enough to sabotage my life... cares enough that... he's shutting me out... Brian's fucked up defense mechanism... hurt them first before they hurt you...

He cares about me... and he’d never tell me...

And that’s a terrible betrayal...

I push out of the backroom and into the throng of dancing bodies... I head to the bar to get a drink then remember I need to save my money... the plane trip to the Hiefitz competition was expensive and used up most of my savings... I debate standing at the bar till someone buys me a drink... but know I look out of place now... with my... clothes... and... I feel different here now... and... I don’t play those kinds of games now...

I make it outside and light up a cigarette... walk down Liberty...

Brian’s words rattle around my head... bang into each other...

... blond boy ass ...

I know he was wasted... his defenses down... I know there is nothing more likely to set Brian off than attacking him... and with no inhibitions to stop him... and yet he had the clarity to say these things... does that make them more true?

He sickened me...

Because of what he was doing...

Because of what he said...

But also because I believed this was another of his fucked up lessons...

That everyone is in this for themselves.

Someone needs to teach Brian that not all of us are like him.

Some people are selfless...

Some people care about others before themselves...

Some people would give up their careers for true love...

Some people would give up their lives for true love...

For some people... their lives are nothing... without true love...

But Brian will never know those things.  Brian will never know what that’s like. I would’ve given him everything.

My body.

My heart.

My soul.

Everything.

But he didn’t want it.

Never wanted it.

I feel betrayed by my own heart... because I know... that... even now... no matter what I try to do... no matter how I try to change myself... I know that I would give him all of that in a heartbeat... if he wanted...

I’m betraying myself if I try to believe that I don’t love him anymore...

I’m betraying myself if I try to live this fucking life that I think I should live... if I try to mold myself into someone else... someone that doesn’t love Brian... and someone that does love Ethan...

Which leads me to the biggest betrayal of all... if I think for one second... I will hide who I am...

That’s one betrayal I cannot forgive...

And yet...

Am I willing to give up this chance... for love... is that my idea of true love?

I just wish Ethan could see how wrong this was... I just wish that there was some other way... I just wish I didn’t feel... so... wrong about it.

I will try for him... I will try... to play his game... live his lie... and betray everything I’ve worked so fucking hard for... for him... I'll turn my back on my pride... on everything I know... on my life...

Because it’s what he wants... what he’s asking me to do... so... as much as I hate it... and as much as I know it’s wrong, wrong, wrong... I guess I must betray myself... for him.

I don’t know if that’s true love or what. But if it is... it... doesn’t feel like I thought it would.