JUSTIN’S POV

“It was one stupid mistake!” Ethan’s voice is shaking and getting louder. He takes a step closer and spits at me, “Look how many times you forgave Brian!”

SNAP!

Inside my brain a fucking light goes on and now everything becomes... 

So clear.

I don’t even hesitate.

“I NEVER forgave Brian!” I yell back at him, throwing down the rest of the roses I was clutching in my hands.

Ethan stares at me, like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about, like it’s all so foreign. And I guess to him, it is. But it makes perfect sense to me.

And it fucking serves him right for ever, ever, *ever* bringing Brian into this.

“I never had to,” my voice calms.

A thousand images, a thunder of pain in my chest, my heart fucking breaking... it all rushes around me and I realize that I’ve made such a huge mistake.

“Because he never promised me anything,” I give Ethan a hard stare. “You did.”

Ethan broke the one promise he gave me. I wanna rub his face in it, but he doesn’t respond. He just stands there, ready to take anything. I could demand he get at my knees and beg my forgiveness... but the things I want him to beg me to forgive him for, aren’t what he thinks.

I want him to beg me to forgive him for fucking with my head.

I want him to beg me to forgive him for trying to make me compare him with Brian.

I want him to beg me to forgive him for ever letting me believe, even for just one second, that my foolish notion of romantic love could ever be a reality.

But my forgiveness won’t come so easily.

I could maybe, possibly, forgive an indiscretion... if he hadn’t lied. But he lied. Lied lied lied. I lost my faith in Ethan, my respect for Ethan... I lost everything for him.

My forgiveness for this will never come.

I tear my gaze from his and pull the fuckinggoddamnpieceofshit ring off my finger with my bloody hands and slam it down on the kitchen table.

Ethan panics and runs to my side, grabbing at my shirt. “I need you,” he begs. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do without you,” his voice is strained and his charm is gone. He just seems... pathetic. Even now, he’s trying to play me, just giving me these words... words... words...

Stupid, fucking, meaningless words.

I brush his hands away. “I’m sure you’ll survive,” I push him and he takes a few steps back. “After all, you still have your music. It’s the only thing you ever really loved.”

The way he looks at me makes me believe even more that it’s true. I know it’s true. He knows it true. He’d *never* have asked me to lie for him if it wasn’t true.

Asshole.

He breathes deeply through his nose, not saying a word and just staring at me. Waiting. For what, I don’t know. He made his fucking mistake. Broken promises can never be fixed. 

I grab my jacket and leave, running down the steps, pushing open the door at the entrance and taking deep breaths of the cold night air. I press my palms to my eyes, but there are no tears.

What happened to me? Why was I so blind?

When I purposefully let it slip—when I told Ethan that I saw him leave the symphony with someone, when I told him that I'd witnessed his indiscretion... I wanted to see the shock on his face. I wanted to see the ‘oh shit’ look, wanted to hear his apologies and his pleas for forgiveness.

But he didn’t do any of that. Instead he made me feel like I was wrong. Made me feel guilty for ever having thought that of him. He told me he loved me and I wanted to hear it so badly... I wanted to believe that I couldn’t be forgotten or replaced so quickly... I wanted it all so much that I believed it was true.

And I lived with the guilt, the freaked out feeling of how close I was to giving up on Ethan. How ready I was to believe that he’d actually do this to me, that he’d lie to me, that he'd cheat on me.

I let it go. I listened to him and accepted his words, like I’d accepted everything else he’d told me, and then admitted to Daphne that my jealousy just proved that I loved him.

Daphne. I head towards her apartment. I need her right now.

Christ! I was so blind. Thank God I saw it happen. Thank God that stupid trick came back for more. Thank God it all came out now, before I made a bigger fool of myself. Before I wasted one more second on Ethan-fucking-Gold.

Asshole. Fucker. Bastard.

I get to Daph’s building, ring the buzzer and she lets me in. I march up the stairs slowly, bracing myself for her ‘I told you so’s’, but I don’t care. She’s my best friend and about the only one I would take that from. I deserve it for not listening to her. She was fucking right. So right.

When I get to the top floor, she’s leaning in the doorway, waiting for me, arms crossed. She knows.

My face is red, not with tears, but anger. Burning searing anger. My hands are all scrunched up with dried blood and my eyes burn and my nose is running, and Christ, I know I look a mess. I take a few steps towards her and she just looks at me.

“You left him,” she says quietly, taking my elbow and pulling me into her small apartment.

I close the door behind me and lean my head against it. She knew this was going to happen. Her hand rubs small circles on my back.

I nod and turn to face her slowly, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. She sees the blood on my fingers, and takes my hands in hers, turning them palm up. “What happened?” she asks. I look at my palms and see the red scratches and tears where the thorns grabbed at my skin and I just shake my head.

She accepts my silence and goes to the kitchen to wet a cloth with warm water, then returns to wipe away the dried blood from my hands.

“So, you going to say it?” I bite my lip and raise my head a little.

“Say what?” she looks up at me, away from my hands, holding my fingers in hers.

“That he was an asshole. That you were right, and that...” I suck in a breath.

“Oh, whatever,” she smiles at me. “I love you Justin, I just want you to be happy,” she kisses me on the cheek softly.

I nod a little. I don’t think I know what being happy really is.

“You’re amazing, Justin. Don’t let some fucking asshole let you think any different,” she wraps band-aids around my fingers and I love that I have her.

“Can I stay here tonight?” I scope out the couch.

“Sure,” she says. “It’ll be fun. Like old times, right?” She pulls me into her arms for a hug, and I cling to her. Thank God for her. I know I’ll never be so fucking lucky to find a friend like her again. I kiss her on the forehead.

She grins at me and pulls off my jacket, tossing it on the floor. “Okay, I know exactly what we need.” She disappears into her bedroom and I kick off my shoes and stretch out on the couch, feeling something close to relief wash over me.

It’s over...

Over...

Over.

It shouldn’t have started in the first place.

Daph comes back, a big grin plastered across her face. She’s got a joint in one hand and a lighter in the other. “This’ll make you feel better,” she says, lying back on the couch beside me.

“Is it any good?” I wrinkle my forehead, memories of the pot that Daph usually scrounges from her friends at school. Brian’s drugs have spoiled me forever for any of this cheap shit.

She laughs at me. “Not really, but who cares?” Daph carefully lights the joint, taking a long drag. “Mmmm... it’s okay,” she says, passing it to me.

I inhale the sweet smoke, grateful for anything to take away this gnawing ache inside me right now. I nod and pass it back to her. “Daph,” I say quietly.

“Yeah?”

“How did you know?” I roll on my side and look at her.

“Know what?” she giggles a little, but I’m serious.

“How did you know that... that it wasn’t going to work?” I curl my fingers under my head and wait for an answer. I wanna know what I was too blind to see.

She shifts her gaze from mine. “I don’t know, Justin,” her voices trails away.

“Daph,” I touch her hand. “Tell me,” I run my fingers across her skin.

She sighs loudly and squirms on the couch. “Justin, I said it a million times, you just didn’t hear me.”

“What?” I push myself up a little.

“When you were with Brian, well...” she stops.

“Say it!” I nudge her.

“Okay, okay! You were different when you were with Brian. You... you...” she grips my fingers in hers. “Justin, you loved Brian. It was obvious. More than obvious. And you were... just different.”

I squeeze my eyes shut. I don’t want to hear this. Don’t want to hear what I already knew deep inside. I went through the motions with Ethan, but I always knew that it wasn’t the same.

Never would be the same.

Her voice softens. “You still love him, that’s obvious too.”

My head is nodding before I can consciously think it. Of course I love him. Of course I’ll always love him.

I look away from her and wonder. Wonder if it’s all too late, wonder if Brian would ever forgive me. Forgive my foolishness, my blindness.

I need him to know that I can see again.

BABYLON — JUSTIN’S POV

So all day I thought about what I was going to do, but I knew it from the second Brian walked into the diner that morning. He smirked at me and made a comment about me not changing my clothes and the fact that he noticed made me realize that he knew. Of course he knew. He always knew everything about me, even when I hadn't said a word.

I didn't waste any time and skipped my afternoon class to go by Ethan’s apartment to pick up my clothes, my computer, and left my key on the table. I tried not to think about how this was the second time I’d packed up my shit from an ex-lover’s apartment. I don't even want to know what that says about me.

Went to Daphne's and just dumped everything into a corner. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do tomorrow, but right now I just can't think past tonight. Ten o'clock finally comes and I hit Liberty Ave., loving it, loving it, loving it.

I feel like a million years have gone by since I leaned against that lamppost, and I pass it on my way to Babylon, letting a smile cross my face as I do. I can’t help it... thinking of that night just makes me smile.

Get inside Babylon and the wash of music, the pounding sensation is so familiar and welcome... I love the looks... love the stares...

And I feel powerful again. I feel like myself again. I feel like I’ll never hide, never lie, again.

Fuck, it smells like sex and cigarettes and dry ice—a combination I’ll never forget, a toxic mix I lived and breathed for nearly two years. My few months away has made me miss it... made me love it even more now that I’m back.

I lean against the bar, checking everything out... checking everyone out...

And they’re looking at me back. People are looking at me, guys want me... I know that.

I fucking remember that. I can do anything... I can do anyone.

Hit the bathroom and find a dealer, getting a nice hit of E... feel more confidence flush through my veins as I wander back to the dance floor, and I barely feel my feet hit the ground. Music hits me all over... music pounds into my brain... music vibrates through me, makes my dick hard, makes my skin tingle, makes my head spin...........

Scan the faces, looking for one... looking for... ... ... see lots of smiles back at me... and I let go... every single time I’ve held myself back... every single time I’ve wanted something and didn’t get it... every single time... ... and I move to the music among the thousands of bodies just like me...

Then... hands on my waist and I feel someone behind me. Tall and strong and I realize I missed the feeling of being taken by someone taller than me, bigger than me. His hands push under my shirt and stroke my chest, tweaking my nipples till they’re hard stubs... the feeling is electric and I push my ass back into his crotch... fall back into his arms... he holds me to him and we move together like one... the feeling so familiar... and I let myself pretend... that it’s Brian holding me... feel lips on my throat... and imagine Brian’s lips... imagine...

Brian...

He’s got to be here...

Got to be here...

He pulls my hips closer to him, pressing my ass forcefully against his hard dick straining through his jeans, but I pull out of his embrace... he tries to grab my belt loop, but I slip away... I know he wants to fuck me, and I don’t want to be fucked tonight...

I want to fuck.

Need to fuck.

Move blindly through the bodies... see one... same height as me... cute... he looks at me and I look back... we dance... our bodies brushing together... he wants me... wants my dick inside him and turns around so his ass is pressing hard on my cock, rubbing against me... he puts his hands on my hips and holds us together... I slide my fingers down the front of his pants, pushing through his damp pubes and his head falls back against my shoulder... he’s right where I want him... agonizing... wanting me to touch him... needing me to fuck him... I pull on his nipple ring... know how good that feels... kiss his neck... whisper in his ear...

Wanna fuck?

He nods lazily, hell, yeah...

... takes my hand, pulling me to the back room and finds an empty space and grabs the bars on the wall, sticking his ass out towards me. I tear open his pants and push them down around his hips... pull down my jeans just enough, roll a condom on my dick, put my hand on his shoulder to steady him... and...

Oh... oh... yeah... this is what I want... press my dick against his ass, then push in a little... he’s moaning and gasping, begging me for more... I push my cock harder into him, feeling that release as he lets me inside...

BRIAN’S POV

Had enough baby talk with Michael. If my sperm isn’t involved, I don’t give a shit.

Need to fuck.

Leave Mikey and hit the backroom. Lots of choices here tonight, lots of fucking here tonight. I scan the faces, the asses, looking for one that I like.

Stop.

Holy... fucking... shit.

Well, whaddya know.

I swallow back a smile and feel something inside me... don’t know exactly what it is, some kind of funny feeling and it makes my dick hard just seeing him here... just watching him...

Watching Justin...

Here.

He’s actually here... fucking. Feeding his cock into some skinny twink’s ass, slowly rocking into him, gripping his shoulder and pushing more and more of his big dick inside him.

I back into a piece of wall, and keep staring. Glance down at Justin’s cock disappearing into the kid’s hole... back up at his face...

And then he’s looking at me too...

JUSTIN’S POV

I fucking swear to God I feel Brian, and then look up... and... yeah...

I knew it was pointless to try and find him. I knew he’d find me. If I just started fucking, I knew he’d find me.

Watching him... watching me...

The trick arches back, and I push him forward roughly... start fucking him fast, hot friction on my dick. He’s sucking in breaths of air and I’m hardly paying attention, just focus on how good this feels and Brian’s heavy stare...

My eyes flick down to Brian’s crotch and his fingers run across the front of his pants... he starts rubbing his cock and I can see the outline of his long dick as his hand slides up and down... oh fuck, I want to see him jack off... watching me...

Fuck, this feels good... I look back up to his face, can’t look away, can’t stop... just lose all expression... let my mouth drop open... and imagine kissing him again...

He’s so far away, but so fucking close... his fingers drag across his dick and he starts to unbuckle his belt... I suck my bottom lip into my mouth a little... fuck, so hot... but then some guy shows up and Brian leads him down to his cock...

I slow down a little... the trick on my dick... gripping the bars... pushing himself back on me...

But I never look away... Brian tips his head back, exposing his throat... his eyes close a little as the trick mouths his cock through his pants, then finishes undoing Brian’s belt, unzips his pants...

Fuck, Brian’s big dick teases me, springing out of his pants and into the trick’s mouth... he licks pre-cum from the tip... and I know it’s from watching me...

He glances over at me again and a smile crosses his lips...

BRIAN’S POV

I try not to look, but somehow I do again... my eyes settling on his, and he’s just fucking staring at me... watching me... he just won’t let go of me... won’t take his eyes off me...

Gotta look away... I start to close my eyes... the guy on my dick is licking my shaft, sucking back the drops of pre-cum that I can’t fucking control and it makes me crazy because I want Justin on his knees in front of my cock.

One more glance. I lick my lips and slide my eyes over, watching his cock slip in and out of the trick... and... let my gaze find his face again...

Oh... Jesus Christ... he’s still staring... still fucking...

This time I just let it happen... I let myself look. I don’t care what he thinks, don’t care if he knows... that this is making me fucking crazy...

I watch him, hips bouncing erratically, ass spilling over the band of his jeans... fuck I’m so tempted to push this guy off my dick and go over there. So tempted to push my cock into Justin, feel his head tip back into my shoulder, his hair brush against my cheek... put my palm on his neck and hold him back onto my cock... fucking him... fucking him... fucking him...

JUSTIN’S POV

Brian’s eyes drill into me... and it makes me feel different, somehow... maybe because I’m fucking flying on E... maybe because I’m starting to realize shit now that I should’ve realized a million years ago before I screwed up and it became too late...

Christ, for the first fucking time in months I know exactly what I want. I know I want him. Like I’ve always, always, always wanted him. I know... I don’t care if he fucks around. I know... that my heart needs to be with his, and though I remember all the hurt...

I don’t fucking care.

Honesty is more important than any of that other shit. Daphne was right. Brian never lied. Brian never made me lie.

Fuck, the only indiscretion that Brian ever made... was to not let me know how much he cared.

But I didn’t really listen hard enough... did I?

Maybe he told me a thousand times that he loved me, but I didn’t hear him...

Didn’t hear him... when he protected me.

Didn’t hear him... when he told me what he could.

Didn’t hear him... when he held me tight in his arms that afternoon so long ago when I told him about Ethan, apologized for fucking around behind his back... and he just held me... pressed his face to mine... and let me decide...

That’s love.

That is really, fucking love.

I was so blind...

And now I see him...

See him... trying not to look at me... trying not to stare at me... and I can’t stop... can’t stop...

Fuck, I want him to see me now... really see me for once...

See me for who I am and who I can be...

See me...

The trick starts clenching his ass on my dick and I lose focus for a second... he’s going to cum soon, and so am I... I press my body close to his and start up a faster rhythm... pounding into him quicker and quicker... his fingers clutch at mine on the bar and he tips his head back, moaning incomprehensively.

I see Brian still watching, but his eyelids droop, and his hands grasp the head of the trick sucking his dick, fucking his face... then I hear him letting out little grunts as he cums.

Oh fuck, one more pound inside and the kid starts to cum, pushes his ass back on my dick, forcing me even further inside him... and... it’s too good... in out... in out.... in ou- oh... oh... in... in... in... oh... ah... oh... I squeeze my eyes shut and let the orgasm spill through my body, slumping over a little, holding on to the bar, holding myself up.

I lost sight of Brian and I pull my dick from the trick, start to roll the condom off, then feel a bump on my shoulder. My head snaps up, but there’s no one there... I spin the other way, and Brian’s just behind me...

“Thanks for the show,” he growls into my ear, a smirk plastered on his face.

I open my mouth to respond, but...

There’s nothing to say.

I watch his back as he disappears into the crowd.