Wake up. Cold. Sticky. Ouch... sore.

It’s fucking dark in here, but the clock says it’s only 9:00. We must’ve fallen asleep for a few hours.

Climb out of bed and stumble down the steps and Jesus Christ, get the shock of my life when I see the empty room. Then I remember.

I sold everything.

Everything.

Woah, head rushing and spinning and I think I need to... slowly lie down on the cold hardwood floor, feeling what I *do* own beneath my skin—the loft. My home. What I have. For now.

It makes me feel better. More secure just knowing that there’s something left.

I stare up at the ceiling. Stretch out my arms and legs, the wood hard beneath my bones. The grit from the mover’s shoes under my skin. The cold air brushing across my body.

Let my eyelids slide shut.

And lie here.

I open my eyes to see Brian’s pale back heading down the steps. Expect to hear the fridge open or see a light flick on or something, but I lie here and wait, listening for something, anything.

And hear nothing.

I roll out of bed, wrapping the duvet over my shoulders and slowly step down the stairs, hearing an unfamiliar echo in the empty loft.

He’s lying out on the floor, naked. His beautiful hard body stretched out on the wood, goose bumps raised across his skin and his palms lying flat up towards the ceiling, fingers curving softly upwards. I stand at his feet and touch my toes to his heels resting on the hardwood... he wriggles his feet as I tickle him lightly with my big toes.

“Hey,” I sit down beside him, cross-legged, wrapping the duvet around me, trailing it out on the floor. The hardwood’s fucking cold.

“Hmmmmmm,” he sighs. Then stops.

“Cold?” I put part of the duvet over his naked skin.

He lifts his shoulders then drops them again, not looking at me.

I look around at the empty space yet again, seeing how hollow it is in the darkness. Shadows play across the empty floor, and my inner eye takes it all in. A drawing slowly materializes behind my eyes and my fingers itch for my sketchbook.

He sighs again, and my gaze returns to him. Now he’s staring at me. Looking at me kinda funny.

“I probably would’ve had to sell it all anyway,” he says quietly.

“Brian... you’ll get a job soon,” I push more of the comforter over him.

“Yeah, I’ll get a job. Just probably not in Pittsburgh. Might have to move somewhere else,” he turns away from me and stares at the ceiling again.

Fuck. Like a goddamn knife in my heart. Not like I hadn’t been thinking it. Not like it wasn’t the biggest fucking fear I’d had since the second Brian was fired.

I mean I knew it was possible. Knew it was even probable.

But I didn’t want to hear him say it.

I grit my teeth. Will. Not. Get. Upset. Will. Not. Get. Upset. Will not, will not, will not... I swallow hard and try to breathe normally, but still hear my breath shakily leaving my throat.

I can’t let him down. Can’t let him think that I expected any less of him. Or any more.

I twist the duvet between my fingers in my lap, hiding beneath the covers where he can’t see. Feel a flush burn my face and my stomach wrench into knots... wonder if it’ll be New York or Chicago or LA or Atlanta. Wonder if it’ll be in Canada or maybe even somewhere crazy like London or Dublin. Wonder how far away he’ll be from me. Wonder how I will ever live without him. Wonder if I *can* live without him.

But of course I can. I know I can. I just wonder what kind of life I’ll have without him.

Not the life I expected. Or wanted.

“Hey,” he says, and suddenly his eyes are on mine. Even in the darkness, I can feel them burning into me, and I hope the light isn’t catching the shine in my eyes.

His fingers slide under the duvet and rest on my knee... his hand cold against the warmth of my skin, and his long fingers coast up my thigh, tickling me a little.

“I didn’t say I’d go alone,” he says it so softly, and his hand stops, lying flat on my leg. Soft and familiar. “I mean, if that’s something you’d want to do,” he finishes quickly.

Relief soars through me, like a fucking weight lifted off my back, and I feel almost dizzy with it, my head spinning and I let out this big breath of air I’d hardly been aware I was holding. Fucking thank God. That was all I wanted to hear.

I climb on top of him, pulling the duvet over us. Elated, a wide grin pulling my mouth apart. I swallow around the ball in my throat, and take a deep breath, feeling foolish for worrying so much, for caring so much, for being so fucking scared. For not expecting that he’d say this. Fuck, some things are so different now, and I don’t always remember how much it’s changed.

“Yeah, I’d wanna do that,” I say, and kiss him lightly on the lips. His fingers reach around the back of my neck and press me to him hard... tongue dancing up into my mouth and suddenly I’m hot everywhere and our dicks are rubbing together and everything’s good again.

There is a future. I have a future. I have something. Everything else might be fucked. But I have this to hold on to.

He grabs me hard around the waist and turns me onto my back, his arm bracing me so I roll gently to the floor, holding me to him, our lips never parting... he lies on top of me, his body heavy and warm, fingers threading through my hair and oh God... this is what life is... this is what it’s fucking about...

Living and taking chances and being with the person that makes you feel so good... always makes you feel so good.

He breaks the kiss, panting a little. “I wanna go to Babylon,” he whispers into my face, looking at me like he thinks I won’t want to or as if I’ll be disappointed or something. He forgets that some things are different now too. Because I'm not disappointed, and I’m not that same stupid twink and I just wanna be with him. Here or at Babylon or anywhere else. Just wanna be with him.

I whisper back, “Only if you fuck me in the shower first,” and kiss his cheek.

He grins. “Deal,” he says, climbing to his feet, then holds his hand out to pull me up. He yanks me back into his grip and we kiss again, stumbling to the shower, hands groping and pulling and pinching, tongues pushing over each other and nibbling, biting, tasting.

I climb into the shower, and he follows... I start to move towards him again, but he puts his hand in the center of my chest and pushes me against the tiled wall, holding me there, fingers pressing hard into my skin. Makes me even hornier. Makes me want a fast hard fuck.

Bite my lip and watch as he reaches behind him, flicking on the water, his hand still holding me to the wall. Water pours over us, hot and steaming, and then he’s on me, pressing my back against the cool tiles, my ass sticking to the stone as the shower fills with warm air, his lips sucking at my neck, nibbling on my skin...

Palm slides around my waist, then down my ass, till his middle finger presses against my hole, rubbing, rubbing, rubbing, swirling around my hole, teasing me and making me push back against his finger, making me want him inside me.

It doesn’t take much, with the water and the friction and me opening wide and then fuck yeah... he’s inside me. Not too fast, just this deliberate push and his finger slides into my ass. Not too far, just there. So I feel it. So I know he’s there.

He grips my shoulder, and turns me around, guiding me to face the tiles. His finger rotates in my ass, slowly moving around... my mouth drops open and I drink in the heavy air... feels fucking good, makes my legs a little shaky and... God, I press my palms to the wall, pushing back onto his hand and his finger slides in me even more, his knuckle bumping against my hole, palm flat out on my ass, cupping my cheeks. Just slowly moving inside me... and oh yeah, that’s the spot... that’s it... hmm... slide my ass up and down his finger, pulling him inside over and over again.

I’m face-to-the-wall and not even focusing on anything but the nice solid feeling of something up my ass, but then a condom is pressed into my hand and he moves to my side a little so I can slide it on him... watch his eyes swim shut, then he spins me back to the tiles and pulls his finger out a little, then pushes back in, adding his index finger this time. Oh Christ. I want his cock in me now now now...

His thumb strokes my crack, sliding in the water dripping down my ass, rubbing the sensitive skin and creating this tiny vibration I feel inside... oh... he opens and closes his fingers, stretching me wide, wider...

Moves behind me and his cock slides between my legs and pushes against my balls... he pulls back a bit... and oh... ohohoh... he’s not going to... Christ... no, he’s not going... he can’t... I can’t... it’s not...

But whether I think he can or not, he is... his dick pushes against my hole with his fingers still so deep inside me... he pulls his fingers back out a bit, lifting them... I press my face to the tiles, waiting, a little scared, but fucking turned on. Then... then...

“Hold on,” he whispers in my ear and I start to laugh because it’s somehow funny, but the smile quickly falls from my face and he pushes both inside me, fingers and cock at the same time and holy fuck, it’s like fucking times ten.

I let out this long, low moan, can’t help it, can’t breathe otherwise. Fuck, it feels amazing and too much, too fucking much... he moves his fingers inside me, making his cock hit me... oh, hit me... hmph... God... there... and...

Oh... I whisper his name over and over fast and start to lose it, my mouth hangs open, my hands curl up and cling to the wall, knees shaking crazily, horny and desperate and just letting Brian do to me what he wants to do to me, trusting him that it’ll feel good...

... because it always feels good...

He strokes my back, fingers skimming down the water running over both of us, and then starts this slow rocking, not really fucking... just moving together, rolling hips and fingers and my hole stretched out so tight, my ass fucking on fire and burning and inside, oh God, inside I feel... feel...

Amazing...

Fuck, I’m so close, got that just-gonna-cum feeling... I fold over against the tile, cheek pressed to the stone, my body trying to bend into the fetal position, wanting to wrap up so tight, and never leave this place... rocking, rocking, rocking together, fingers and cock buried inside me... his breath heavy on my neck, hot, deep sighs.

“Too much?” he groans between pants, sucking in a gasp of air as the words leave his lips.

“Yeah... yeah... too much,” I struggle out, barely able to breathe, let alone speak. “But don’t stop yet,” I say quickly as he starts to pull out again... he pushes back inside me as I strain with the last words.

Hear him chuckle, but I don’t care if he laughs at me. This is just, God, so good. I slide down the tile, my legs are gonna give out, but he wraps his arms around my waist, holding me up and pushing inside me again. His hand around my waist slides down to my cock, and he starts stroking me gently, then squeezes my dick, and I clench my ass and...

Shit! *Now* it’s really too much and I yelp... he slowly pulls out of me, all of him, and spins me around, holding me back up against the tile... my ass throbbing and open and burning... but he’s got my dick in his fist and he tears the condom off his cock and then we’re together in his hand...

I stand on my toes, hands pressed hard against the wall, head back trying to catch a lungful of steamy air, wet hair plastered into my face and covering my eyes... he jacks us both off, pumping our dicks together, his body so close to mine, and our dicks brush against my stomach, held tightly in his hand... he puts his other hand over my shoulder, holding himself up, breathing hotly into my face...

Squeeze my eyes together tightly... everything’s all fuzzy and I remember to breathe and then... thenthenthenthen... oh, Christ, warmth all over, and I explode, cum spurts out of his fist in jets, both of us cumming and it’s all over me and then Brian’s holding me, pressing our chests together, mixing our cum and everything and panting hard...

He brought me here, like he always brings me here... whether he’s sucking my cock or eating my ass or fucking me into oblivion... he always brings me to this place where nothing else fucking matters in the world. It’s never hard, never a struggle, never something I have to think about...

He makes it all so easy.

He pushes my hair from my eyes, and kisses me softly, touching his lips to mine. He starts to pull me under the water to wash away our cum, but I squeeze his wrist tightly and keep him close...

“Just stay,” I whisper into the steamy air.

And he does, his hand dropping to my hip, his warm fingers cupping my hipbone, forehead pressed to mine. I trace my fingertips in the milky cum on my chest, his and mine both swirled up into one... just like our lives, just like us... all wrapped up into each other until there’s no telling which belongs to who...

He gave me confidence.

I gave him pride.

He gave me strength.

I gave him love.

And we can’t give any of it back, ever again.

Justin rifles through his drawer, pushing aside a couple pairs of socks and some underwear, but there’s not much in there, and I really wish he’d just stop fucking around and bring all his stuff here.

It’s ridiculous for him to be anywhere else. I don’t want him anywhere else. But somehow I can’t bring myself to say the words... Justin, move in...

Pride or whatever the fuck it is. Not sure, just know that it’s stopping me from asking him to stay. Permanently.

Actually, maybe I do know the reason I don’t ask. Maybe he might say no. And I don’t think I can hear that. Not right now. Not when there’s nothing left.

Whatever. All I know is that he’s got fuck-all in his drawer that he can wear to Babylon.

He looks up at me suddenly, blond hair falling into his eyes. He has this look like he knew I was staring at him.

“Wanna borrow something?” I ask, and he half-smiles at me.

“All your stuff is too big,” he says, and it makes me grin. I know he likes his t-shirts tight when he goes to Babylon.

I suddenly remember something, and dig into the closet, finding a Body Body Wear bag at the bottom.

“Look what I found,” I hold out the battered black bag I almost forgot was there. Good thing, because I would’ve thrown it out if I’d found it two months ago.

“What is it?” he takes the bag tentatively, unfolding the top.

I look away and dig into my own drawer, pulling out a black tank top. “Just something I forgot to give you,” I say and shrug. Makes me feel embarrassed or some shit like that. Makes me feel busted that I was thinking about him when I was away. When I shoulda been in Vermont with him and instead I was in Chicago, peddling my ass.

Makes me think of months ago when things were shitty with Justin.

“Hmm, nice,” he says, pulling the tight blue t-shirt over his head. Matches his eyes and makes him look hot.

“Yeah, I thought you’d like it,” I stop for a second to stare at him. Feel the corner of my mouth pull up into a smirk.

He walks down into the living room, heading for the mirror, then stops.

“Oh...” he trails off.

Fuck, I forgot I sold that too. “Cost me a thousand. Figured I’d get a couple hundred for it,” I say quietly.

“Yeah, probably,” he says, passing by me to go into the bathroom. I catch a dark glimmer in his eye as he passes—he’s deliberately not looking at me and it makes me feel like he’s trying to hide something.

“Justin,” I head into the bathroom and stand behind him, watching as he runs his fingers through his hair, ruffling it, then flattening it, ruffling it, then flattening it, repeating the motion over and over as if he can’t make up his mind.

He looks at me in the mirror, blue eyes shaded. I kiss him behind the ear, and leave my lips against his soft skin, drinking in his scent—a soapy mix of shampoo and hair gel.

“Don’t worry,” I whisper into his ear, watching his face in the mirror.

He blinks hard at my words then he reaches for my face, his fingers trailing across my cheek. “I’m not worried, Brian,” he says, his voice higher than normal, looking at me through the mirror.

“Liar,” I say, and stick my tongue into his ear.

He laughs despite himself. “No, I’m not,” he says regaining his composure, the smile quickly fading again.

I just nod, my eyes never leaving his reflection. I put my hands on his shoulders and turn him around to face me.

“I mean it. Don’t worry. About this or about anything,” I pull him against my chest, his arms wrapping around me so quickly and tightly that I know he’s even more freaked than I thought.

“I’m not worried. It’s just kind of a big deal. Overwhelming,” his voice is muffled in my chest.

A chuckle bursts out my throat. A humourless laugh that comes from nowhere. Nothing’s funny. Nothing’s fucking funny at all.

I stare at my own reflection in the mirror. Stare at my face and see someone I don’t know. See wrinkles, and worry lines, and fear. See hesitancy, and apprehension, and dark circles under my eyes. See someone far too old for how I feel. See someone so mature, so grown up. See a man.

See myself.

Justin’s fingers cling to me, bunching up my shirt in his fists. I run my fingers into his hair and press his head against my shoulder, press him to me so fucking hard... hold him to me like I never, ever have to let go.

Okay. Deep breath. Deep breath.

Everything’s okay.

I release my grip, and kiss him on the lips. He kisses me back lightly, almost tentatively, and I press my forehead to his. “It’ll work out,” I say. “It always does.”

I hope he believes me. He has to believe me. Because I’m not sure I believe myself right now.

I trust Brian. I’ve trusted him with everything I have. So I have no reason to doubt him.

I don’t doubt him. Not one bit.

But it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel a little freaked over all this. I mean, it’s one thing if Stockwell loses. Then it was worthwhile. All this shit was worthwhile. But if he wins? Then... fuck. It’ll be for nothing. And I don’t want to see Brian fail. Not at anything.

And either way, Brian’s still out a hundred thousand dollars. Christ.

Don’t think about it. He needs me not to think about it. I know that. I tried not to say anything. Tried not to show it. But he can see right through me. Freaks me out how much he can see of me. Makes me think how much he knows, how much I never told him... how much I ever tried not to show him...

Whatever. Those days are over now.

We get to Babylon, pushing to the front of the line—money or not, we always get in ahead of everyone else. Get inside and it’s fucking crazy. Music pounding, half-naked guys everywhere, sweat flinging from their bodies as they thrash to the music. Guys fucking in the corners, sucking dick and making out. Backroom’s officially closed, but it doesn’t matter because the whole fucking club has turned into the backroom.

It’s like... a last stand. Because tomorrow, who knows. Who... fucking... knows. The whole goddamn place could be shut down. And we’ll have nowhere to go.

We head over to the bar, and Brian orders a couple of drinks. I suck back on my beer, hoping to get good and drunk and join in the fun, and Brian presses a tequila shot into my hand, a sly grin on his face.

“These again?” I ask him, sticking my tongue through my teeth. Fuck, the last time we had a run of tequila shots, Brian fucked me in the goddamn bathroom at Woody’s and we ended up passed out on the floor of the loft.

“You bet,” he says over the music, knocking back his, then picking another off the bar.

“Fucking hot in here tonight,” I say, swallowing a second shot and watching as a guy beside us gets his dick sucked. Makes me hard just watching. Love watching. Love sucking or getting sucked more.

Brian follows my gaze down and watches for a second too. “Gonna get hotter in a second,” he says, grabbing the front of my jeans and pulling me to the dance floor, pushing through the crowded bodies to the center of the room.

People press in on us from all over and we can hardly dance, just move together, a sheen of sweat coating us instantly from the moist air... glitter rains down, sticking to our skin, our hair... making everything glow, everything amazing.

Brian reaches into his pocket, and pulls out two tabs of E, putting them both on his tongue. Then his mouth on mine, slipping me one of the tabs. I slide it under my tongue and wait. Wait. Wait. Wait...

The music pounds through me, vibrating against my skin, my dick semi-hard in my jeans, fingers touching Brian all over, his arms, his hair, his back... his hands flit all over my body... resting on my waist, then around my neck, in my hair, on my spine, pushing against my ass, then...

Oh... no more waiting.

Everything is beautiful.

I see the music. Actually see it, floating in the air. Washing around us. Fluttering across my skin and seeping into my brain... I open my mouth and let it inside me... feel it in my mouth, my throat, my stomach... it moves through me, escapes into my veins and I have to keep moving, it makes me keep moving, pressing against my body inside, warmth that flows through me like water...

Brian’s fingers trail up my face and he presses his palm to my cheek, heat and fire burning into me, intensity in his gaze, his eyes seem so green and he sees right through me, but that’s okay, because there’s nothing that I’m hiding from him now.

He sees this, I know, can tell from the soft look on his face, the gentle smile on his lips, the squeeze of his fingers on my hip... I close my eyes, my story told, and press my body to his, move with him, feel energy from him seep into me and embed itself in my blood...

It’s familiar to be here, to feel like this... it feels like the first time and a thousand times after that, and I get a sense of nostalgia almost. A sense that maybe tomorrow I won’t be able to come here and feel like this. That maybe next week this place will be gone, and the memories Brian and I have created here will be nothing more than that. That I’ll never be able to come here again and pretend it’s that first time, pretend I’m here dancing with Daphne watching on the stairs, my shirt off, my heart pounding with fear, my cock hard in my pants, my palms damp, and the glitter raining down like it always does... won’t be able to pretend that Brian’s just pushed away two guys to get to me, that Brian’s separated me from everyone else and kissed me here, ran his tongue up my neck and made my breath catch in my throat... won’t be able to pretend that it’s last year or the year before or even the year before that... won’t be able to come here and pretend any of that because it could be gone...

That would be bad... if it was gone...

But I’m here right now, and Brian’s hands are pushing down my pants, his warm palms stuck against my skin, and his forehead pressed to mine, slick with sweat, slippery and smelling faintly like cologne and heat, smelling tequila on his breath and sticking my tongue out to lick at his lips...

Here right now, and enjoying what could be a last stand... enjoying what’s left, what we have, and knowing that we’ve done everything we could to keep this place. Our place.

The music shifts, the tempo changing, and I feel a body behind me, pressing against my ass... Brian turns me around, his cock digging hard against my crack through my jeans... my hands reach out to touch, and land on hard, taut skin... blond and hot, and he pulls up my shirt, puts his mouth on my tit, sucking at my nipple, nibbling my flesh, soft lips encircling me...

Brian’s hands slide down to my crotch and cover my cock through my pants, pushing me back onto his, and then the lips are gone and my hands are on someone’s dick and blond and hot is panting on me, biting my shoulder, and pressing his hands into my skin, pushing his body against mine, and I’m caught between them, caught in the middle, and Brian’s mouth is on my neck... sucking me so hard I know I’ll mark... but everything’s...

So beautiful.

Buzz, buzz, buzz... Brian’s whispered voice in my ear, but I can’t hear what he says and then he’s gone, and hands are all over me, touching me, brushing against my skin, and I love the feeling of roaming hands and electric tingles, just want to touch, be part of this, stay part of this... I cup someone’s ass in my palm, feel a knee slip between my legs, brushing against my cock... a pinch of my nipple and we all move to the music... move around and around... and the music keeps getting louder and louder and more colorful and heavier and pounds into me hard. Feels good. Feels like fucking.

“Hey Justin,” I hear a voice behind me, and turn around, eyes focusing in a haze of color on a familiar face.

“Matt,” I say back, impressed that I remembered his name. Guy from school that I fucked in that crazy month between Ethan and Brian. He’s cute and short and reminds me entirely too much of myself, but somehow it turns me on.

I slide my hands around Matt’s waist and he responds, slinging his arms on my shoulders, bodies pressing together, moving together with the crowd. He turns his head to kiss me on the lips, but I turn away, and his lips land on my neck... but he keeps kissing me, and then sucking on me, and I close my eyes and run my fingers through his short hair.

“Hey,” warm breath on my face, and I’m pulled out of one embrace into another. Don’t have to open my eyes to know that Brian’s got me again... we weave out of the swarm of bodies to the periphery of the crowd. He presses a bottle of water into my hand and I screw open the top and drink back the bottle in one gulp.

“Gonna fuck him?” he asks, motioning towards the dancefloor.

I look over my shoulder and see Matt, standing alone at the bar. Watching me with Brian. “Nah, already did him,” I move Brian back against the stairwell. “You want him?” I yell above the music, pushing my cock against Brian’s, loving the delicious hardness that’s always there, the solid feel of his dick in his pants.

The corner of his mouth lifts in a grin, and he shakes his head. “Nah,” he answers, resting his arms on my shoulders.

I drop my water bottle and wrap my fingers around Brian’s waist, titling my hips to the music, pushing up, pressing my cock into his groin, swaying back and forth and letting the music take me. His hands run up and down my skin, leaving trails like fire in their wake... want more... his knee lifts between my legs and brushes against my balls... I press harder against his leg and slide my crotch up his thigh.

“You’re being admired,” Brian says, and points across the floor.

I turn and my eyes meet with a cute, dark haired guy’s. He grins at me as our gaze falls together. Can’t help it, smile back.

“He’s hot,” Brian says, pushing his hand down the back of my pants. I try to raise up so his finger will touch my hole.

“Yeah,” I agree, just saying the word, not really thinking about it or anything. Christ, I’m so fucking horny and just wanna fuck, get fucked, fucked up, kiss... want cock down my throat or my dick in an ass... want to do everything tonight that I might not be able to do tomorrow. Want to experience everything, the whole thing, all of it.

Slither up and down Brian’s thigh, his finger sliding farther into my pants, my body screaming touch me, touch me, touch me! But Brian’s hand slowly pulls from my ass and he motions for the guy to come over, knee sliding from between my legs and pushing me gently back against the stairwell beside him.

The trick’s eyes dart from Brian’s face to mine and back again, looking at both of us, his tongue flicking in and out of his mouth nervously to touch at his lips.

“You like him?” I read Brian’s lips as he whispers in the trick’s ear.

The trick nods, and presses his body against mine. Brian pushes the guy to his knees, and unbuttons my fly. I lean back against the stairwell, gripping the wire railing to hold on.

“Yeah, suck me off,” I say to no one, just have to say it, wanna say everything...

Hhhhmmmm... oh. First touch of unfamiliar lips to my cock always feels amazing. Don’t know how he’s gonna take me, don’t know what to expect, the anticipation such a huge part of it...

Soft lips, a kiss, a lick and then...

Ohhhhh God, the guy can fucking swallow cock. I bounce a little on my toes with the rhythm, he’s got his tongue pierced, sliding the barbell on the underside of my dick, hot metal skimming across my skin, pushing into my piss-slit, flicking around the head and oh fuck, back inside his tight lips, so wet, so warm.

Brian’s fingers pull mine off the stairwell, and he pushes my hand down his pants—his cock is hot and wet, pre-cum leaking out. I glance at him, and he wears this lazy smile, a little wasted, watching me, eyes half-closed and I know he’s gonna fuck me so goddamn hard tonight, it sends this spin of ecstasy through me just thinking about it.

I slip open his belt, and tear open his jeans, my hands shaking, still bouncing with this guy on my dick, riding such a fucking good place. Pull Brian’s cock out of his pants, and urge him closer, guiding him towards the guy on his knees in front of me... grab a handful of the trick’s hair and stop him from his up and down and up and down... he looks up at me, dark brown eyes and full red lips shiny with spit and my pre-cum. I tap Brian’s cock against his cheek, and Brian snorts a little, looks at me...

But then I watch as Brian’s eyes roll up into his head as the trick takes him inside, still fondling my cock, but giving me a chance to breathe again...

Then, oh, back to me again, licks my cock head, rubbing that fucking tongue barbell into my slit... Brian edges closer to me, pushes my face to his and we kiss, hot breath washing out over each other, then Brian sucks in a breath too and I feel his hot cock pressed next to mine...

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, the trick takes both of us inside, sliding his hands, slick with spit, up and down our cocks, forcing us both further into his mouth.

Wow... wowowowow... I’m up on my toes, and Brian’s slid down the wall and our dicks and our mouths are the same height and we’re fucking connected and feeling the same fucking thing and wow...

Intense...

Our hands meet, pressed against the trick’s head, and we weave his hair between our fingers and then our fingers across each other, and we all move together...

Kisses intensify and Brian’s hand is on cheek, pulling me closer to him, biting on my lip then tongue fucking my mouth, and I open my lips wide, covering his mouth with mine...

I’m so high and horny and charged up and Christ! I start to cum, waves of release, my dick throbbing, and then Brian’s dick is pulsing beside mine, jerking as he cums, and I fucking feel it, all wrapped up in the trick’s mouth.... we kiss and kiss and kiss, moaning into each other’s lips and it seems to go on so long, but it’s just the high keeping me here... just the E soaring through my veins and skull, making everything seem better and bigger and fucking louder... but Jesus Christ, it can’t get any better that this.

I look down to see the trick licking our cum off his lips, and Brian rubs his thumb across the guy’s chin, and brings it to my mouth, cum shining on his skin, then pressing against my lips and I dart out my tongue, pulling his thumb inside, sucking it all off.

The trick stands up, grinning at us. “You guys are fucking hot,” he says, moving closer to us, his fingers reaching out to touch my arm.

“Get lost,” Brian spits at him, and the trick looks at us, stunned, then backs off, jerking his hand away from me, stepping back from us and disappearing into the crowd. Brian’s fingers wrap up into my hair and I forget about anything, everything else, just focus on Brian’s mouth on mine, Brian’s breath pushing out over my face, Brian’s palm cupping my head, Brian’s tongue slipping across mine, Brian’s hand pushing down the back of my open pants, Brian, Brian, Brian...

Oh Brian...

He pulls me to the dancefloor again, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and I spin around and dance, feel light-headed and relaxed from the great blow job, feel connected to Brian and everyone here, feel intensity and mellowness, and just the music pounding, pounding, pounding...

We slowly work our way over to the bar, the bartenders frantically trying to pour drinks and uncap bottles to meet the demands of the unexpected crowds. There aren’t even any go go dancers tonight, just regular guys filling the cages, overflowing on the stage, packing the staircase. Everywhere I look there’s just people, people, people.

Brian pushes a beer into my hand and I suck back on it, the liquid cool down my throat and God, it tastes good, and then it’s gone. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and fish around in my pockets for some money to buy another... but then there’s another in my hand, and I try to be slower with this one, but fuck it’s hard... I’m so thirsty and hot and buzzing, buzzing.

Brian offers me another shot, but I shake my head, and the world goes kind of crazy colorful dancing before my eyes and I laugh out loud in Brian’s face. He looks at me funny and then laughs too, and I know he’s a little wasted, and Brian is so funny when he’s wasted, and I kiss him hard on the lips, start making out and fucking groping him like we’re at some kind of really, really progressive high school dance and I’m glad we came here, glad we got to see that everyone is here, glad to feel the support and community and feel free to be... and... blah blah blah, but all I want now is to go the loft and get fucked. Go home.

Our kiss breaks and he pushes his face into mine, giggling almost and it makes me laugh and laugh, and we look around... it’s fucking insanity in here. It’s Babylon. It’s the end of the world, the beginning and everything inbetween. It’s important, it’s meaningless, it’s everything and nothing... it’s life.

I’m flying. Fuck-ing flying. Brian’s fingers grip me around the back of the neck and I spin around to see him, a flash of faces whirling before my eyes as I turn my head, and I have to grab onto him, to hold on, to not fall down, to not let the spinning air take me with it.

“Hey,” he says, lifting his chin at me.

I can’t speak anymore. Just grin at him stupidly. Want to feel lost like this forever.

“Home,” he says, one word that means everything, and I don’t even question where home is, don’t even think twice that he won’t be taking me to the loft. Home.

Fingers weave through mine and he pulls me across the dance floor and it’s all I can do to put one foot after another, to follow him out the door, eyes trained on his ass, watching as he pulls me with him. Takes me with him. Like I belong here, with him.

Get outside, running down the steps and the air is cold on my skin and it’s snowing, God, it’s so beautiful, white flakes drifting in the air, landing in my hair, on my face. I wanna lie down on the ground and watch the snowflakes come spinning down, but Brian’s pulling me to the car, and I climb in and keep switching CDs till suddenly we’re at the loft.

Out of the car, walking up the steps and fucking *hell* it’s good to be alive... Brian’s arm around my waist, his soft laugh in my ear... getting inside and it’s so warm... I push him against the back of the elevator and kiss him, his fingers going up into my hair and my skin is so sensitive I can’t breathe... his leather gloves brush across my face and my dick gets hard at the sensation...

Eyes closed, hear the beep of the alarm, the slide of the door, and the silence of the loft... no lights on, just hands across my body... door closing and Brian’s lips on mine, all over me... gloved hands on my cheeks, the leather cool and tight and pressing into my skin... we stumble backwards, backwards, backwards, feet falling over each other, blindly fumbling for the couch, and then...

We fall onto the floor. On that empty space.

Fuck.

Brian rolls off me onto the ground. Split second of realization and remembrance and holy *fuck* did I lose my high goddamn quick.

He sucks in a breath. Lets it out.

Not gonna lose him again.

Fuckfuckfuckfuck. It’s too fucking dark in here and quiet and hollow and and and...

“Brian,” Justin’s voice echoes in the empty space. I hear him like he’s talking inside my head.

I look over at him, lying spread out on the floor. Arms out at his sides.

“Fuck me,” he licks his lips, and starts to unbuckle his pants, pushing his jeans around his legs and kicking off his shoes.

I lean up on my elbow, the hard floor digging into me. “What, on the floor?” I look around at the dusty hardwood. Footprints from the movers are scattered across the surface.

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” he retorts, laughing a little, wriggling out of his jeans, and pushing them to the side.

I shake my head and start to sit up. “It’s dirty down here,” I brush the filth from my skin and pick off a pebble embedded in my elbow.

“I want it dirty. Fuck me,” his voice is rough and his cock twitches, sticking straight up. Fucking beautiful.

And maybe if I wasn’t feeling the E, and maybe if I hadn’t had those last couple shots, and maybe if I wasn’t feeling... well... like I really did *need* to fuck him...

Well, maybe I wouldn’t fuck him here on the fucking filthy floor. But I am high, and I am wasted and I really am needing to fuck him...

So, I kick off my jeans, and climb between his legs, the smell of spunk heavy on his skin, the smell of need pouring out of him. His fingers rush up into my hair and he pulls me to him for a kiss. I know what he’s trying to do. Trying to make me forget, trying to take my mind off this, trying to divert me.

But he doesn’t have to try so hard.

Slide my cock in him and it’s like home and everything is all pushed to the back of my head except the tightness on my cock. His taste of cigarettes and tequila. His laughter every time my cock brushes against him inside. It’s home here.

We fuck on the floor, tiny pebbles gritting into my skin, dirt like sandpaper etching into my back, but I don’t care, don’t fucking care, just love this, love being fucked, needed, love giving him this and taking it too.

Brian holds my arms at my sides, and drives his cock into me over and over and damn, it’s the best feeling in the world, lips on mine, sweat and heat, the slap of his hips against my ass. I can’t move, can hardly breathe, just swallow back thin breaths over and over, air hitching in my lungs as I feel myself creep closer to release...

“Don’t cum yet,” he says and I almost think it’s some funny memory coming back to me, but no, it’s not, it’s Brian talking to me, and Christ, I’m almost cumming and I tell him to stop *right fucking now* or it’ll be too late.

He slows, easing inside me, and staying there, releasing my arms and lying down between my legs, shuddering breaths spilling out of him, sweat in a sheen on his back. We lie for a minute, and I feel that dull roar inside me, that deep blush searing up my ass, that feeling of holding him inside, of stretching and making room for his long cock inside my body.

Inhale, exhale.

“Okay,” I whisper, the E still affecting me, still making me see the words as they sprinkle out my lips. Making the silence seem tangible, my skin hyper sensitive, the air carry this tinge of color that shifts when I move my eyes.

He lifts himself up, hanging over me, pressing his cock deep inside me, and leans over and kisses me, a drip of his sweat splashing onto my forehead, and running down my temple. My ankles pressing down over his shoulders, my muscles straining and just-can’t-breathe-or-think-when-he’s-pounding-oh!

“Don’t cum,” he says again, and I squeeze my eyes shut, scrabbling at his ass, just, just, just about there, and then he pulls out again, and I’m left panting hard, sucking in breath after breath, my insides fucking twitching and bunching up and my cock itching to get off.

Kisses my lips, and I’m tempted to bite down hard, tempted to chew on him, taste him, make him hurt for teasing me like this, for making me wait. I buck my hips up against his belly, scratching at the back of his neck, trying to urge him inside, make him fuck me.

He touches his dick to my hole, pushes inside just a little, then back out again, not hitting that sweet spot inside me, just giving me that fucking great feeling of sliding in and out of my ass. Filling up and pulling out, filling up and pulling out and oh God, I’m buzzing all over, like vibration just beneath the surface of my skin and he keeps fucking me, shallow, keeps teasing and tempting, and no matter what I do, he won’t push further inside, until, until, ah... ah...

Fuck! He pulls out again, and I bite on my own lips to keep from begging, pleading, whining, to let words come from my mouth that let him know how fucking bad I need this, need him, want to let go and release and...

He falls onto my chest, sticking against my body, hard nipples pressed into my chest, the overwhelming smell of sweat and heat and our cocks taking over, the scent of his dick and the condom and Babylon and he just lies on me, breathing hard, panting. And I hear the breath hitch up in his throat and then let go.

And I suddenly realize that no matter how badly I need to just fucking cum and then pass out in bed... that he needs me to be with him here, more. Needs to be lost here with me, more. Needs me.

It’s a fucking bizarre realization. I mean, it’s something I’ve always known, and something he’d never in a fucking million years tell me. But this is like a smack in the face realization. But a good smack in the face. A fucking awesome smack in the face.

He needs me. Really needs me to be here.

So I swallow back my protests and begging. Bite down hard on the inside of my cheek. And just be here. For him. Let him need me. Do anything to let us ride here forever.

He lifts himself over me, and looks down into my face, pushing away sticky strands of hair from my forehead. His eyes are dark and his face looks different, the features softer, hanging away from his face, the hard contours of his cheekbones hidden, his lips wide open and soft, his hair all flat and damp on his head, pressed against his temples, and sticking up in the places I pulled at it.

He looks at me and I look at him, and he presses his cock into me again, and I watch as his face changes, as the smile takes over, the bite of the lip, the face of control and power and ecstasy. Oh, a deep push inside, and I pull my knees apart wider, roll up onto my back so he can slide all the way in, and he does, stroking me from the inside. Feeling me from the inside, like that song says, that song that I heard at Babylon tonight, that song that keeps running through my head, that song that I could almost pretend I still hear, except the silence and the emptiness of the loft is too fucking loud.

I suck in a breath, and he pushes hard inside me, sliding my back along the hardwood, the *sckweeeek* of my skin slipping across the hard ground echoing off the walls, and I put my palms hard on the floor to stop moving, to stop sliding, to push back into him, to take him, to stay right here in this fucking place and never ever go anywhere else again...

Mouth open, gasping for air, his teeth biting my lip, sucking on me, grunting into my mouth, hands on my shoulders, dragging me back onto him and it’s almost too late, almost gets too far, and I gasp at him to stop because I’m going, I’m falling, oh God, the edge is racing up too fast, too quickly, but he just keeps pounding into me, and I’m lulled into ecstasy, slide quickly into orgasm and holy fuck it’s so good, so fucking good, so long, so intense, and my heart fucking *stops* but the cum keeps shooting out my dick pressed between our bellies... and... somewhere in the madness, the intensity, beyond my harsh gasps, I hear Brian’s voice, hear Brian’s cries and moans, and feel those sharp thrusts inside me, those last final pounds he gives till holding his cock still and heavy and hard, shaking and quivering as he cums.

He falls on top of me, his body heavy like dead weight now, and beneath him, my heart pounds in my chest, shivers race across my skin, and I try to catch my breath. Try to stop the room from spinning, try to see past the pinpricks of stars in my eyes, hear beyond the humm in my ears, my cock spasming and still leaking and everything, everywhere is so sensitive. Holy Christ, waiting to cum makes it so, so, so much better when it finally happens.

“I came,” I whisper, and he barks out a laugh.

“I noticed,” he says, twisting his head on my shoulder to kiss my ear.

“Fucking good,” I mumble, my legs falling to the ground with a thump, the wood cool beneath my feet. I stroke his back, words about the missing couch and the quiet loft and what tomorrow will bring bubbling to my lips, but I swallow them back. Swallow them all back and think of nothing but the tingle in my dick, the pulse through my body, his cock still in my ass. I can hardly feel him anymore, my hole all stretched open and wide for him now, my body adjusted to having him inside, and I know that when he pulls out, it’ll feel like something’s missing. I’ll feel that he’s gone more than I feel him inside right now.

“I can’t move,” he groans into my neck. “Feels too good lying here.” He sniffs out a laugh, laughing at himself. I smile into the darkness and close my eyes. I could lie here with him inside me forever.

“Don’t move,” I say quietly. “Stay here inside me. Stay here all night,” I stroke his hair, feeling the damp skin on the back of his neck, the drips of sweat seeping from his scalp, now turning cool in the air.

He sighs deeply. Considering for a split second, I almost imagine, but I know he wouldn’t and we can’t and that there is a perfectly good bed waiting for us a few feet away. But I don’t want him to leave me.

He reaches between us and grips the ring of the condom, holding it tightly as he pulls out from me. As he leaves me.

“No,” I whisper, but lie here helpless to stop it. “Come back inside,” I say again, but he lifts up from me, wiping the cum from my chest with his tank top, and tossing the condom to the side.

“Come on,” he says, pulling himself to a standing position, big red marks across his kneecaps from the floor.

I climb slowly to my feet, brushing the dust and grit from my ass and back, my skin numb where I laid on the floor. Follow him to the bed and flop down on it, lying on my back and staring up at the ceiling, not sure of what to say, of what could be the right thing or the wrong thing, just missing him from inside.

He lies beside me, and reaches over to the bedside table, and I’m sure he’s getting a cigarette or something, but then his fingers are on my shoulder, and he’s telling me to roll onto my side. I comply, the post-fuck exhaustion creeping up on me. But when I hear the crinkle of a wrapper, I look over my shoulder at him, and he smiles and kisses me on the side of the face.

Then his dick at my hole and he pushes inside me again, super slowly, not going too far, just filling up that space. I let out a breath and it feels so good, not like I’m going to cum, just... comfortable and welcome and, God, I close my eyes and rest my head on the pillow, curling up into his body behind me.

“Okay?” he breathes into my ear, just one word.

I nod on the pillow, my hair matting under my face. “Yeah,” I sigh back, letting my body melt into his, letting everything wash away, just relaxing and breathing and feeling full and warm all over.

His hand wraps around my waist and his fingers draw long lines on my arm, stroking me over and over and every breath I release brings me further to...

Further to...

Sleep.

It’s like everything has spun around in a circle and here we are, back where we were hours ago. Back in this bed, holding on to each other. Back in this bed together.

Back where shit makes sense.

I tried to leave it behind and I couldn’t. I tried to pretend I could walk away and I can’t. I tried to make it be like it was before... and it just fucking isn’t.

Proves to me that I’m not who I was. Proves to me that change is possible. Inevitable. Unavoidable.

Wanted.

Needed.

Justin starts to snore quietly and I know he’s out for the night. Tonight is over and next thing I know, it’ll be tomorrow, with everything that tomorrow will bring. I envy his ability to pass out from the mildest of drugs, a few shots, and a great fuck.

I stay inside him for a while longer, the warmth of his body surrounding me, holding me inside. I feel my eyes drift close, and I know that as much as I would love to stay like this all night, I can’t... really can’t... so I slowly pull my cock from him, holding tightly to the ring of the condom to make sure it doesn’t slip off inside. He sighs and squirms a little, then relaxes again. Toss the condom to the floor and roll back up behind him, fitting my body against his tightly, pressing my naked cock against the crack of his ass. Let my fingers trail across his hip, and lightly brush at the soft mound of his pubes, stroking his treasure trail with my finger tips, the sensation lulling me slowly... slowly...

Didn’t think I could. Of all nights in my life, I just didn’t think I could.

But I fall asleep.