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You know… you know… you know… when you try
to convince yourself that you aren’t consciously
doing something… like that you… say… meant to
drop that book and… oops… got a view into the
locker room… like that you… say… meant to forget
your jacket at the diner… and get to give Brian
one more kiss before school… like that you…
say… meant to walk through the music building
even though you’ve never ever done it before…
and just happen to hear a violin playing… and
just happen to stop… and look in… and…
I shouldn’t… but… I take a step closer… well…
but…
(God… he’s…)
I watch him… he’s swaying a little… so… intense…
so focused… concentrating… and yet… the music…
is… so… free… never thought I’d…
I should leave… watching him like this… is…
personal… I feel like I’m spying… that I shouldn’t…
that… I… I turn for a sec…hmmmm… no… I have
to… say… something… open my mouth… but… what…?
He turns just a bit… and stops… and… smiles…
and…
I can’t help but smile back… fuck…
And we make small talk… whatever… then he makes
some comment about it getting warmer… because
I’m here… and I grin like an idiot and feel
my cheeks get all hot and I don’t fuckin’ know
why… but I can’t help but kind of laugh… it
doesn’t mean anything… I mean… guys have said
like a million worse things to me at Babylon…
what they wanna do to my ass… what they want
me to do to their cock… that they wanna fuck
me… that they wanna… wanna… wanna… but… but…
somehow… this is different… far different… much…
much… more…
Hmmm… I walk in… don’t know why… wanna see
what his life is like… wanna see… don’t know…
I just like how he makes me feel… special… important…
like… my being born… is worth celebrating…
God… okay… good excuse… I tell him I wanted
to thank him for the CD… he asks if I listened
to it and I tell him… that I listened to it
six times… which is a lie because it was more
like 16… over and over and over on my headphones…
so Brian… wouldn’t hear…
And he’s… so fuckin’ smart and so fuckin’ cocky…
and he asks me how my birthday was… and I don’t
mean to, but I hear myself spouting back Brian’s
words… telling this guy I don’t know how my
boyfriend doesn’t think being born is worth
celebrating… and his face falls… and he tells
me… that it sucks… that I have a boyfriend…
And… for the first time ever… I wish I hadn’t
said that… for… some reason… and…
He starts to tell me… that if he was my boyfriend…
that he’d give me a birthday… I’d never forget
(I wanna laugh and tell him that I won’t fuckin’
ever forget what Brian did for me… but for all
the wrong reasons… wrong… wrong… wrong…)
My ego gets the best of me, and I have to ask…
joking… like what…?
And he stares at me… and I smile… then he just…
touches me with his bow… and I… don’t know why…
but it’s like I feel it in my balls… just a
light little tap… on my chest… and… I stare
back… and my smile slips away as he tells me…
what he’d do for me… and he tells me the things
that I want to hear… from Brian… but it scares
me… because I could never ever see Brian doing
those things… and… and… this guy I don’t even
know… tells me he would make love to me… and
say the word… that Brian can’t even say… after
knowing me forever… and… right then… I’m gone…
lost what I’d say… right now… Ethan… could convince
me… the world was flat… and… and… I don’t know
why…
… and I get outta there. Fast. Before… he says
anything else…
But whatever.
Not interested.
I have a boyfriend.
Brian.
Of course, I’d lied to Ethan. I didn’t have
a class… I was off… going home… to… work on
the comic…
I get back to the loft, and Brian’s not there.
He’d said something about helping Lindsay and
Melanie… don’t know… I wasn’t listening… I’ve
been pissed at him… but… also feel… feel…
I sit down at the computer and stare at it
for a minute… Ethan… really… threw me… got me
thinking… about my birthday… and what it means…
nothing really… but this year… maybe something…
couldn’t Brian see that? Couldn’t he… tell?
Fuck… I was… so goddamn excited when I thought
that Brian had actually gotten me a birthday
present. Pathetically excited… jumping up and
down… but… it was what I wanted. What I needed
from Brian. To know that no matter how he felt
about birthdays and shit… he shoved it all aside
for me…
Part of me… part of me… the part I want to
listen to… is saying… at least he did something…
at least he… actually acknowledged… even if
what he did was the most fucked up thing I could’ve
possibly imagined.
When he walked me up the stairs… blindfolding
me with his fingers… then took his hand from
my eyes… and I saw the trick… I was… shocked.
Speechless. I… wanted to look at him and say
you’re joking. Say… what the fuck is the matter
with you… but… I didn’t want to hurt him. I
wanted to acknowledge his pathetic attempt…
he… treats me like his protégé… a pal… which
I am… but… I’m also his lover… and he loves
me. I fuckin’ know he does. And this… this…
made me feel sick… like… I was nothing more
than his fuck buddy. Someone he plays his little
games with. Not someone he shares his life with.
I swallowed every word I wanted to say… and
was left with nothing… so I kept my mouth shut…
I did what Brian wanted. But… what I wanted
was Brian. For him to be sucking my cock… for
him to be lying beneath me as I fucked him fucked
him fucked him… not this guy… but Brian was
there. Watching.
And I think I made a good show of enjoying
it. Of fucking hard. Of fucking wildly. Of fucking…
like I wanted to fuck. I so desperately didn’t
want him to feel bad. Not half as bad as I felt
doing it. But after, I realized what a mistake
I’d made. I should’ve told him… when I saw that
guy… I should’ve turned to Brian and told him
what was in my heart. That I wanted Brian to
fuck me. That I didn’t want anyone else to touch
me… ever again… that Brian was enough… more
than enough… that… that… that…
But I didn’t.
I played his game.
And I kept playing it… after I was exhausted…
fucking my goddamn brains out… I fucked the
trick three times… over and over and over… I
was trying to prove some point… and I have no
idea what it was… and I would’ve fucked him
again… but… I’d had enough finally. Couldn’t
move. Couldn’t fuck again.
I lay on the bed… swallowing hard… feeling
like shit. Feeling dirty. Disgusting. Like…
like… I was the one that was used and fucked…
when that had never happened. I’d never even
let him near my hole… not even touch me… not
even…
And Brian paid him… let him out… I stayed face
down on the bed… sprawled on the sheets… feigning
sleep for a moment… trying to remember how to
breathe… trying to forget what I’d done…
I’d felt the bed dip down at the end as Brian
sat down. What could I say? What could I do?
What did he expect? Did he get off on watching
me? Did he think I enjoyed it? What the fuck…
could he possibly…
Then I felt his lips on my neck… trailing across
my shoulders… and the mask of sleep I pretended
to wear slipped as my eyes fluttered open… then
I squeezed them shut… sighed deeply… couldn’t
let him know… couldn’t… it was something… something…
something…
He slid down my back… kissing me… then rimmed
me ‘till I couldn’t take it anymore… oh… Christ…
he knows… how to… make me… do… anything… and
when I came… it was… just Brian everywhere…
nothing can compare… to cumming… from Brian’s
tongue…
And with no more words about the trick… we
showered and left for Ben’s party. As we drove
there, I suddenly found myself angry… thinking
about it… how he… just… thought that was enough…
and fuck. It’s not like I’m some kind of a fucking
spoiled brat. Not like I expected any kind of
expensive or extravagant gift… I mean… in that
sense, Brian has given me more than I could
ever ask for. The computer, my tuition, the
fucking roof over my head… but… what I wanted
was… something… sentimental. Like… like something
that he looked at and thought of me. Anything.
Nothing. But… just something. Something. That
I could treasure. And hold on to.
So when today… Ethan called me sentimental…
my breath stopped in my throat. Because that
was exactly how I felt. How I wanted to feel.
Not dirty. Just… sentimental. And it hurt me…
because… he said the words… so many words… that
I wanted to hear from Brian. And it made me
wonder… was it… all about sex with Brian? Was
that all there was? There had to be more… had
to be… because… I needed more… needed… just
more than sex.
My eyes fall to the recent sketches I’d done…
for the comic… but really for me… the bashing…
was hard… and I’d done some in pencil… going
back… to see if I could… somehow I wanted to
do those with my own hand… not the computer…
but those were for me… and maybe I’d give one
to Brian one day… and no… I know it’s not just
about sex… with Brian… I know that… when I look
at these… the drawings of the bashing… are so…
real to me… they hurt me to look at them… when
I drew them… I had tears. Because I don’t remember
the incident… the actual connection of the bat…
but I remember some things… not enough… too
much… but I was unconscious, they say… I don’t
know if Brian held me in his arms. I don’t know
if he cried. I don’t know if he screamed out…
though… I guess others told me he did. Michael
told me… that he’d never seen Brian like that
before… that he was… crushed… and it’s because
of things like that… that I imagine… that I
KNOW it’s more than just sex. It’s more. But
why does it take me getting bashed or fucked
up or threatening to leave that it comes out?
That’s not right. It shouldn’t be bad… it should
be a celebration.
Oh fuck. This is stupid. I can’t believe how
worked up I am about this. I’ve reminded myself
a thousand times. Brian has showered me with
gifts. I know Brian cares. I know… and even
though the gift he got was just… wrong… it was
something… but… but…
I stop at the last page of drawings and just
stare for a minute. Just stare. At the cartoon
Brian holding the cartoon me in his arms. And
realize. That. I. Have. To. Do…
I lift up the page and see…
Ethan.
Why did my heart skip when I saw…? I feel guilty
somehow… like I shouldn’t be looking… like I
shouldn’t have it… but it’s just a CD. It’s
only music.
But it was the best birthday gift I got.
The best one by far.
I slip the CD in the player… hear that first
note… feel myself relax… I’m sitting on one
of Brian’s barstools… and I let myself roll
back on the hardwood… push off… glide away…
I imagine Ethan’s fingers across the strings…
feel it… just feel the music… through… me…
Christ… I just let myself go… roll around the
floor to the music… unconscious of my movements…
unaware of how I slip into the sounds… hearing…
passion… and… joy… pure… unadulterated… joy…
and it feels good… the positivity… freedom…
enlightenment… hope…
Someone that can play like this… is… can make
these amazing sounds… pull so much from… themselves…
it’s like… like… I don’t know… unlike anyone
else I’ve ever met. Such passion… and it makes
me wonder… how… he would… kiss… how he would…
make love… wonder… if he would hold his lover
tight… if he would want to be held… tight… wonder…
if… how… it would be different…
I push these thoughts from my head… and suddenly
find myself… lost… wanting… amazing how music
can bring you to a state… of… thought… can make
you feel… so much… and… I stare at the ceiling…
the loft… the floors… the… everything… think
of my life spent here… spinning across this
room… spinning around and around and around…
always… never knowing… where it’ll stop… and
there’s…
Brian.
Everywhere.
I’m in Brian’s home, his morning, his night…
his life… and yet… yet…
I know I’m foolish… but… I can’t deny how I
feel… can’t deny… never have… never will… it’s
how I got here in the first place… I followed
my heart to Liberty Avenue that first night
so long ago… I followed my heart to Brian’s
doorstep after that… then I opened my heart
to him… and he has it… and my only wish… is
that… he’ll take care of it…
Fuck… my deepest… strongest desires… are ones…
I must keep from him… and somehow… it… doesn’t…
feel… right…
I wish for more… more… more… something… some
token… anything… but… that time has passed…
has gone… I know where I stand… and feel as
though… I can see the future… and… I no longer
know… what I want… only what my heart… tells
me… I need…
The door to the loft slides open suddenly…
and I feel caught… busted… guilty… I roll the
chair over to the stereo and turn down Ethan’s
music quickly…
Brian’s behind me… his hand on my shoulder…
I wish he had… something…
“You like this,” he says… a statement… not
a question.
No response is needed.
His lips on my neck… I tilt my head back… fall
into his arms… he pulls me to my feet and I
turn to face him… I can’t open my eyes to meet
his gaze because for some reason right now…
I know I’ll lose it if I do… so I pull his face
to mine and touch our lips together in a soft
kiss… which quickly grows more passionate…
I feel desperate to have him… to forget the
thoughts that had just been running through
my head… of someone else… of things I wish Brian
would be… and maybe it’s my imagination… but
he seems desperate too…
We’re drawn together… fingers in each other’s
hair… pulling one another closer… kissing so
much and so hard we lose our breath… and we
stop for a moment… our faces pushed so close…
hot air from our lungs bathing our skin… and
I’m suddenly remembering my first time in the
loft… and I stood here so fucking scared and
he just overpowered me… and I loved it loved
it loved it… I thought I would love him… and
I do… and I thought it would be forever… and…
and…
I wonder if he’s thinking back to that time
too… but I wouldn’t ask… it’d be sentimental…
and Brian hates that… and so I take his lips
to my mouth again… and keep my eyes closed…
to hold in… tears… because I never thought…
I’d be here… and now that I am… it’s what I
expected… but not… and what I wanted… and not…
and…
His arms slip behind me… hold me to him… my
feet leave the ground for a second as he embraces
me… so tightly… it’s like he’s holding on… holding
on… to something… don’t know what… so tight…
I lose my breath and he lets me go… his hands
finding my face and he pushes his forehead to
mine… holding me to him… connecting… and I feel
as though he wants to say something… but I know…
he can’t… no matter what I want… what I think
I want… I would never want Brian to… be hurt…
A moment passes… of just us… of things we want
to say but don’t can’t won’t… both of us guilty
of the same sin… both of us guilty… of… not
listening… not hearing… not… acknowledging…
what’s expected…
His hands drop… to my sides… and I push his
overcoat from his shoulders… unbutton his suit
jacket… let that fall… fumble with his tie…
loosening it… pulling it open… and sliding it
from his neck… this is how we can talk… bodies…
together… making… us… I need to focus on something…
else… and I still hear that damn music… and
I want to stop it… but…
Brian pulls my t-shirt off… he kicks off his
shoes… pulls down my pants… lets me yank down
his… we take everything off… and he holds my
head again in his hands… kissing me… and my
fingers are on his cheeks… and I kiss him… we
don’t want to move… but stumble step to the
bedroom… hands never leaving each other… not
wanting to lose… touch… from what’s already
been lost…
Then fall to the bed… jumble of arms and legs…
but his soft lips on mine are more erotic… more
sensual… more fulfilling than… anything else…
and he rolls me onto my back… sliding between
my legs… and I open them wide… crossing my ankles
over his ass… holding him to me… our cocks pressed
together… wet… hot… pounding… for… release…
but…
One hand… his fingers… run through my hair…
catching themselves… winding in…taking little
tufts between them… his palm hot on the back
of my head… as he holds me… the other hand…
finds one of mine… and he weaves his fingers
between mine… his hand warm… and he squeezes
my fingers… and I squeeze his… and I find my
other hand on the side of his face… my thumb
stroking his cheek… my fingers… touching the
soft hair at the base of his neck… and all the
time… our lips… never part… and… I feel… so
much… from him… it makes me… want to…say it
say it say it… but…
I keep my eyes closed… feel his fingers leave
my hair… the others unwind from mine… his body
leaves mine for a moment… a condom packet is
pressed into my hand… and… I slide open my eyelids…
avoiding his eyes… still… for fear he’d read…
my true feelings there… for fear of what I wouldn’t…
see… in his… maybe… afraid… that I would…
I open the packet and slide the condom on him…
I wish again for the thousandth time… he’d cum
in me raw… just to feel… but… I know… he won’t…
His body closes in on me again… his chest pressed
against mine… for a kiss… then I feel his arms…
pull my legs up… exposing my hole to him… giving
him entrance… and he rolls the tip of his dick
against my ass… working in… a bit… then… slides…
his… dick… in… me… so… slowly… bending over
me… to touch his lips… to mine… oh Christ… he
pushes in me… and I wait for… it… and he finds
me inside… and I feel hot all over… and sweat
breaks out on my forehead… and he just holds
there… holds there… holds there… kissing me…
so hungrily again… and…I kiss him back… holding
him to me… with my legs… my arms… my mouth…
He starts to fuck me… slowly… long strokes…
in… out… in… out… I ride with him… not letting
go… pain shooting through my muscles… quivering
in my desperate attempt to keep him here… but
every push in… every slide in… hitting me… inside…
every slide out… his cock… rubbing against me…
amazing… wonderful… making me drunk on him…
and it’s so familiar… so… Brian… so the same…
and I love that it’s the same… love that… he
knows… what I want… what I like… how… to make
me… moan and whimper and groan and scream… in
bed… but… everything else… outside of this little
pocket… of hot sex… and cumming… and joining
together like this… everything else… just somehow…
needs… to… be… different…
His lips leave mine… for a moment… and he starts…
to fuck… me… harder… and harder… and… I let
the sighs… and grunts… leave my lips… and… here…
it comes… and… and… I open my eyes… and… catch
his gaze… and… my heart… fucking… stops… because…
I know… I know… he… feels bad for everything
and didn’t mean it and wants to take it back
and doesn’t know how doesn’t know can’t can’t
can’t… and it’s suddenly okay… and I try to
break his stare… but I can’t… and he’s so close
so close so close… and his face is in mine and
I finally can close my eyes as we kiss and kiss
and kiss… and he’s still pounding in me… our
bodies moving… moving… moving…
Then stop… we both stop… just… to… stay here…
for a second longer… together… his lips pull
from mine… and he looks at me again… a little
sad… and I look back at him… and… I don’t know
why we’re here… or how we got here… but somehow…
it’s different now… regret and guilt from both
of us for words that should’ve been said and
actions that should’ve been carried out… but…
not…
And he kisses me then… so tenderly… and…I kiss
him back… for a second longer… then… we start
again… he rocks in me over and over… pounding…
and pounding… and then he…
Stops…
Shuddering breaths against my face… don’t want
to stop don’t want to start again… just want…
here…
Can’t take… any more… but don’t want to leave…
here…
Then his fingers are on my dick… and he moves
in me again… long slides… in and out… and I
feel the tingle and the buzz and the warmth…
and I pant and gasp and swallow hard… choke
back breaths… and… and… oh oh oh… I cum… wrapping
my fingers around the back of his neck… sweat
on his skin… pulling him… to me… so I can watch
him… stare at him… as… each… fucking… wave…
washes... over… me… but I don’t… break… his…
gaze… and he squeezes his eyes shut… then opens
them… staring back at me… mouth hanging open…
little gasps… escaping… his lips… and he cums…
holding his cock in me hard… making it so intense…
and it’s over… still panting… like thousands
of times before… never exactly the same… but
always… familiar… always… knowing… what…
No words… nothing to say… as always…
This can stay the same… but… so much else…
needs to be different…
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