I was so fucking glad to get out of that place. I hadn't wanted to go to Babylon tonight... hadn't wanted to stand around all fucking night and pretend that I was actually interested in anyone other than the person standing beside me. Pretending that nothing mattered. Pretending that I didn't fucking care when it was all I could think about all I could dream about all I could focus on... everything that had happened from Brian fucking that guy to me fucking up to us standing there pretending that we want to fuck someone else and not each other. 

Faking it. For the first goddamn time since we'd been together, at least one of us wasn't being honest. Either I was submitting and telling Brian how I felt - if not in words, by the look in my face - while he let me... not responding. Or Brian was finally telling me that... that... he cared... in his own way. And I try to ignore him - not wanting to show him how much I need to know that. We are both so fucking scared and I just want to break down and fucking kiss him and hold him and cry about how much I love him.

I might've done that a year ago. But not now... never now... the world has changed. I've changed. Everything has changed.

But... like I have gotten used to with Brian... I focus on the small things. Like tonight. He actually listened to me... been doing that more often... been giving me little bits... little pieces... that I can hold in my heart and hope to put together into something whole one day. Maybe.

So as I climb into the Jeep, I let myself feel excited. Feel like... I was chosen. Like he picked me again... like he did so many nights ago... Brian picked me... and wants me...

I know that he'd done that a literally a million times before, but for some reason... seemed different tonight. WE seemed different. I felt a little more... powerful, I guess. And I wanted to show him. To take him. To just... fuck him.

Oh. God. He's looking at me now... we're at a stoplight and he takes his eyes from the road and looks at me. I swear to God he knows what I'm thinking... I just... fuck... just... sigh... just... you know... fucking thinking about it... just... he breaks the stare and puts his foot on the gas quickly... anxious to get home.

I know I won't. I mean... don't get me wrong. I know that absolutely will not happen tonight. And maybe never... but... I can think about it, can't I? I mean... I can dream about it... about fucking slamming my cock in his ass... burying it in him... and fucking, fucking, fucking him... I love fucking... I love being in control... I love how close you feel... how good it feels... how... how...

I can't help myself and let my hand slide across his leg, dangling my fingers at his crotch. Not touching him... just enjoying the warmth... the heat...

It seems like a million years, but we're finally at the loft and we get into the elevator and he pushes me against the back wall and drives his tongue in my mouth and I suck on it... so welcome... didn't know how much I missed it all night... didn't know how much I wanted him... yes, I did. I always knew that. Always will.

He's overpowering me... like he does... it's so good, but not what I want tonight. I want different. Because we're different. We're still playing a game, no matter what either one of us says... the game that won't be over until both of us are finally honest...

I close my eyes and let him guide me into the loft... our lips never parting... his hands on my ass, pushing me into him... I know he wanted me all night... why does he want to play the game? Why risk fucking this up? Why...

The door closes and he pushes me against it, pressing his body to mine, sliding me up the wall as he kisses my face, my neck, bends down to run his tongue under the collar of my shirt, his hands a thousand places all at once.

Then... oh... his fingers slide down the back of pants... fuck the underwear, he goes straight for my ass. He's kissing my neck again, but I want his lips on mine. I take his face in my hands, my palms pressing against his soft cheeks, and I pull him to me... holding him... not letting him go.

His fingers slip out of my pants, and I take the opportunity... I plant my feet firmly on the ground and spin Brian around... pushing him against the door with a thump... holding my hands on his shoulders, pinning him to the door... his eyes fly open and he laughs... his nose crinkling... fuck he's so gorgeous... how could I ever be so lucky to have him...

I kiss him hard, still holding him back. He lets me... I break our kiss and slide my hand down the front of his pants, grinning at him. Jesus Christ... the tips of my fingers brush across the top of his pubes... no underwear, as usual. "Come on..." I say, grabbing him by the pants and pulling him with me as I climb the steps to the bed. I turn him around... I love how he's letting me... love how he's just following me... granted he's laughing, but so am I.

I put him where I want him... standing there with his back to the bed... and I stand on my tiptoes to kiss him softly, being gentle... licking lightly at his lips. He opens his mouth a little and I just slide my tongue in, under his lips, licking at his teeth. I feel his arms start to move, but before he can take me, I grip him by the shoulders and push him back on the bed. He's surprised... I love it... I want to be able to surprise him always.

He falls onto his back, then pushes himself up on one elbow, not saying a word, just looking at me with his mouth kind of open and one eyebrow raised... he liked that, I think... I climb onto the bed and straddle him... my fingers working the buttons on his jeans and pulling each one open. He lies back and watches me... smiling to himself... I shimmy to the end of the bed, and grab the cuffs of his pants and yank them off quickly, throwing them to the floor. I pull off my shirt and toss it. He starts to unbutton his shirt, and I climb back up the bed and slide my knees on either side of his thighs... his cock hard between my legs, brushing against the cotton of my pants.

Grabbing his wrists, I push his hands to the bed, then let him go... willing him to stay. He does... watching me... his hazel eyes burning into me... he's wondering what I'm up to... nothing... just wanting to take him... to be on the other side... to put some balance in this relationship - or whatever the fuck... hmmmm... no, I'm going to call it a relationship. At least in the comfort of my own head.

My cock hurts it's so fucking hard, but I don't care. I want to do this... I start to unbutton his shirt for him... trying to be agonizingly slow... but knowing I'm rushing.  His buttons undone, I push open the soft material... oh fuck... he's got the best fucking body... all muscle and hard... I slide my hands across his chest... mmm... I look up at him suddenly - he's smiling at me all sideways... I hang over him... our faces so close... like he's done to me so many millions of times.

I lean in for a kiss, my mouth open... hovering over him... breathing into him... pushing my hot breath onto his face... coming closer and closer till our lips almost brush together... I lick my lips and his at the same time, rolling my tongue across the soft skin... his lips full... swollen... hot... everything else momentarily forgotten... just lost... in... him...

But then I find myself... I take control...

I pull back from him... our lips never having touched... and he slides his eyes open... he's so fucking sexy... his arms pushed to the side, hands open and lying palms up... waiting for me.

I push my pants and underwear off, kicking them to the ground, and slide my legs to either side of his again... my knees rubbing against the outside of his thighs... my cock touching his... the soft tips pushing together... they know what they want... I lean over him and pull his shirt out from under him. He holds his hands over his head again so I can slip him out of his shirt, and once the shirt is off, I grab his wrists in my fingers, squeezing them together, trapping him in my grip tightly. Holding him like that... oh fuck... he's mine... I lean on his wrists so he really can't go, and he wraps his fingers around my hands, holding me there too.

Our eyes meet for a split second and I just feel so fucking good right now... never want anyone else... I kiss him, but keep my eyes open, feeling all shaky and high just seeing those amazing dark lashes slide closed over his eyes. He smells so fucking good... I want him so badly... oh Jesus Christ... did I ever think I could feel like this? Ever?

He lifts his head to deepen our kiss and I let him for a minute, then pull back slowly... leaving him searching for me with his open mouth... tongue wet... he misses me...

I release his hands from my grip, but he keeps his arms over his head... letting me keep control... letting me do whatever the fuck I want with him. Believe me, I will...

Sitting back on my knees, I'm face to face with his belly button, and I slip my tongue around the hole... licking at the soft hair that encircles it. I poke my tongue in, letting spit roll off my tongue and into him, moving it around... slipping into it... oh... so fucking good... I sit up a little and slide my tongue up his chest... making him so wet... he moans a little... and I lick his skin... running my tongue over every muscle... getting his taste in my mouth... sliding my spit all over his chest... I suck on his nipple... it gets so hard between my lips.

I push my body up his, and grab my cock, rubbing it in the wet place I've just made on him... sliding it around... so slippery... so slick... so... oh... oh... mmm... I roll my cock around on his chest... then slide it up to his nipple... his tit so fucking hard... red and bruised from my attention.

The slit of my cock runs over it... and his nipple slides in... oh... fucking... shit... too good... like a tiny fucking tongue slipping up and down my slit... can't take... too much... I wanna fucking jack off right now like this...

His hands slide behind me to my ass... and push me towards his face... I put my arms out in front of me and fall to the bed... my cock hits his nose then he takes it in his mouth... his lips cover my cock then he so quickly sucks me all in... I move my hips slowly... fucking him... oh Jesus... I'm fucking him... I just feel each breath from his nose pushing on my pubes and it's... mmm... so... oh, Christ... so... hunh... Brian... Brian... am I saying it out loud? I don't want to cum yet... I reach behind me with one hand and pry his fingers from my ass... he doesn't want to let go... then he does... and I fall back onto him... I'm in control...

"I'm gonna fuck your dick so hard..." I whisper to him... bending my neck so my face is in his... I slide down his body, my wet dick skimming across his chest... till I hit his cock... our pubes brushing together and our dicks sliding against one another... and I want to fuck him... goddamn it I need to fuck...  but... but...

We kiss again... my pre-cum on his lips... can't stop kissing... can't stop... it's all I have to share with him... all I know he saves only for me... and I refuse to think of me fucking up. Push that thought right out of my head.

I slide from his lips and down his chest again... taking little folds of skin in my mouth and nibbling, wetting his skin...

I get to his cock and pull it in my mouth... he sighs suddenly... been dying for this... his dick is throbbing on my tongue...

Sucking on it lightly I just wet it... make sure it's slick, then pull my mouth away. He makes a little noise with his throat... didn't like that... I grab a condom and slide it on his wet dick... his eyes kind of flutter shut and he pushes his knees up... knowing now what I want to do.

I lean back against his legs and brace myself... I grab his cock and position it beneath my hole... I pleasure myself for a second... pushing his hard dick around my hole... loving that soft sensation... then pop in the head of his dick... get used to it... then slliiiiiiiidddeee down.

"Aw... fuck..." he says loudly, pushing out a breath. "Jesus Christ, Justin... fuck... oh..." then he fades away... his eyes closed... he get lost in it. Lost in me...

I can get his cock so far up my ass like this... it feels different, but I love it... because I control it.  I brace myself on my arms, leaning back... putting some weight on him, and some on my arms.  My cock is hovering over his belly... I lean back further onto his legs and slide my feet out... I capture his wrists under the soles of my feet... he pulls his hands in to grab my feet and weaves his fingers through my toes... I've got him... I've got him... using my heels for leverage, I move up and down his cock...  he lifts his hips very slowly... pushing his cock into me as I pull myself off it... I watch his face... he's just in fucking heaven... eyes scrunched closed... mouth open... he squeezes his fingers on my toes... this position can't last for long... my legs start to shake with the tension... but I don't want to stop... it's too fucking good... every slide up, I squeeze him inside me... every slide down, I relax... opening myself up to him. Oh shit... I direct his cock inside me to hit me... mmm... there... huh... oh... mmm... then pull off... then again... mmm... I'm in control... and I want a slow fuck... he can't push me over the edge as easily when I'm like this... but then the pain in my legs gets too much and I have to move... don't want to... can't I just... oh... god.... I let myself push back down on him so his cock is completely inside me, and suck in a deep breath...

I reluctantly pull my toes from his grasp and slide into a kneeling position, keeping his cock inside me so tight. I contract around him and he lets out a grunt... hmmm... liked that... I do it again, and he arches his back, pushing into me suddenly, poking at me inside... I scream out fuck! He reaches for me grabbing my face and pulling me to him for a kiss... he raises his hips... following my ass... not taking his dick out of me for one second.

So full... so hot... his knees are at my sides and I slide my arms underneath them... holding him up, his feet off the bed, and I almost feel like we're in the position where I could fuck him... I think of his hole behind me...raised in the air... exposed...open and waiting to be fucked... maybe... I want to slide off him and slip between his legs... and push my naked dick into his tight ass (because fuck you know it would be so goddamn tight and hot) and ride him and ride him... be so close to him... I wanna hear him fucking SCREAM with pleasure as he cums with me inside him... but... but...

His hips push against my ass and I use his leverage to rock back and forth on his cock... he's holding onto the pillow behind his head... crushing it between his fingers... keeping his hands out of reach and out of my range while he lets me take control... lets me fuck him in the only way he'll let me right now...

He says my name and I can't help but smile... the way the word pulls out of his mouth slowly... dripping...

His stomach muscles start quivering with the tension... we're both covered in sweat with the effort... he keeps pulling me closer to him, doing crunches, pulling his knees up... driving his cock into me... mmm... I can't help but almost hyperventilate... his dick is so far in me and every push... I... oh... fuck... mm... mm... mm... I almost whimper... the insides of my elbows are slick with sweat from the backs of his knees as I hold him up... his legs are spread open so wide behind me and I think I'm gonna fucking die with this... I slide my feet under his ass... propping him up... his hair sticks to his face all over and his eyes squeeze up tightly... he's letting out little laughs that turn into moans...

The soft hair on his thighs rub against my ass with each push in... it feels so good... everything feels so good... we're both straining and sweating and working so fucking hard... and it's fucking amazing... everything is amazing...

"Justin... what are you fucking... oh... doing to me..." he pushes out and I work even harder... sliding up and down on his dick...rolling him around in me... sliding him past all my sweet spots inside... getting shivery and shaky and so fucking hot... every muscle in my body is on fire and it's making the fucking so much more intense... and I smile because I know he's loving it too...

At just the right time, I feel his fingers on my cock, stroking me quickly... I roll his dick around in me until it stops in just the right place... my fingers pushing hard on his knees I just let myself go... go... go... go... his hand so soft and warm and... fuck... fuck... ah... oh... Jesus... I cum so hard... and he's holding my dick on his chest... so my cum spurts all over him... pooling on his skin... wet spots of me dripping off of him...

His knees slip from my grasp and he reaches up to grab my face... pulling me in for a deep kiss... sucking on me... I fall to his chest... sliding on my cum on his skin... his hips jerk beneath me and he cums and kisses me at the same time... his mouth opens... and I inhale his breath... each one... as they come quicker quicker then slow. His fingers on the back of my neck thread through my hair... sticking on the sweat dripping off me... and I lick his mouth tasting saltiness all over him...

We're wet... and sticky with cum and sweat and spit... and it all feels so fucking good I wish we could never ever leave this place... this bed... this loft... this relationship.

He slides his legs down and his dick starts to pull out of me... I want him to stay... I... oh fuck... I squeeze my eyes shut... how can I feel all these things so fucking strongly... so passionately... and not tell him? How can I... he's closer to me than anyone has ever been in my whole life...

I reluctantly slide off him... knowing we both smell of sex and that he's going to want to shower before we go to sleep... but I want my smell on him... I want everyone to know he's mine...

I lie beside him and he pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around me, pulling me in so tight for a hug... he curls his body around mine... and I just die... can't help but let myself be taken by him, his arms so warm and strong across my shoulders, pulling me close... pulling me... I drown in him.

"Hey Brian... I have a new rule," I whisper... watching his eyes.

"Hmmmm... more rules... don't need any more rules..." he moans lazily into me... scrunching up his face... that cute little gesture I keep seeing more and more...

"This one's the best..." I say.

"Okay... what." Hazel eyes lock on mine... he wants to know...

"No more games... no more fucking around... no more anything except us." I can't believe the words are out of my mouth... what the fuck is the matter with me...

He looks at me... a little smile across his face...  "You're kidding..."

A stab of pain in my heart... "Of course I'm kidding," I say... "Of course. I wouldn't ask that," I try to smile, but it's so goddamn fake my face even hurts with the effort.

"Hmph," he rolls onto his back. Not looking at me. Thinking again. Always fucking thinking. I wish he would stop thinking all the time and say what he means, say what he feels... not what he thinks he should say for whatever goddamn fucking reason.

I can only stare at him. I want it Brian. I want it I want it I want it I want it... I will him to hear me... I write it on my face... I... I... I have to learn to live with what I have, is what I have to do.