He’s walking over to the door and I figure he’s leaving. I follow, ready to lock it behind him after he goes… ready to close the door and sit in here and read comics the whole fucking night. I don’t feel like going to Babylon, I don’t feel like drinking, I don’t feel like dancing… not with Brian or Ben or anyone. I feel like curling up behind the desk with a flashlight and reading myself to sleep surrounded by my friends in the comics… who never fuck around with you… who never lie to you… who never let you down.

But instead of leaving, Brian stops. And flips the sign to “closed” and locks the door. With him inside. I don’t know what the fuck he thinks he’s doing… playing a game with me. He’s been throwing these ridiculous, insulting remarks at me… okay… so I’ve always known that he knows… that I love him… that I want him… that I fucking know I’ll never have him… but for him to push it in my face… not fair. Not what I expect of my best fucking friend. I don’t know if he was trying to embarrass the shit out of me… but he did.

He turns around and stares at me… and he’s looking at me in a way that he’s never looked at me before… I don’t know what I see in his eyes… but I’m suddenly freaked out… suddenly afraid of what’s going to happen… what he’s going to do… he puts his finger on my chest and pushes me backwards… I just go with it… ask what he’s doing… my voice hiding the fear in my stomach… he’s not… he’s not… no…

But he pushes me against the back wall… covering me… one hand on my shoulder… the other slides down my stomach… then he takes my cock in his fingers… and he’s never… played this way before… never… I feel fucking 14 again… nervous and scared but fuck, this is Brian! This is fucking Brian Kinney.

I almost go to move his hand away… but I can’t. I… want to know what he’s going to do… want to know if he’s picking up what I tried to start that fucking time in the bathroom at Babylon… foolishly high and confidant… thinking he’d want me… getting just a taste… feeling his heavy dick in my fingers for those few seconds before reality hit and he let me bluff my way out of it… but those times are ours… never shared… never talked about since…

I’m so fucking freaked shitless… then he asks me if I wanna know what it’s like… fuck yes! I want to scream… I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like… since that day in class when I first laid eyes on you… first lost my heart to you… before I even knew I was gay I knew I loved you… I’ve wanted to know what it’s like forever… before it was a legend… before you were “the” Brian Kinney and when you were just Brian… a scared skinny kid who used to sleep over all the time to get away from his dad and I’d lie awake in bed beside you so hungry and dying to just fucking touch you I’d brush tears from my eyes as they fell… yes Brian yes yes yes yes yes…

But I shake my head no… betraying myself… knowing I can never… knowing… don’t know… what… I try not to look at him in the eye because he’ll know… he’ll be able to tell… he’ll… get what he wants from me…

I put my hands in front of me… touch his chest… I can’t stand how close he is… my face a mask… solid… no expression… because I don’t know what I feel… don’t know…

He ducks down a little and catches my gaze… and I shut my eyes quickly… hiding from him… come on, he’s saying… you know you want it… and I think he’s such a fucking arrogant prick… he is… I know that… but he’s so fucking right… I open my eyes… need to know if he’s joking… if he’s going to push me away, telling me how pathetic I am…

Instead I catch him just as he’s leaning to kiss me… just as he’s… there… and I get one snapshot in my head to remember forever… Brian… going to kiss me… in a way he never has before…

I hold myself steady… not going to let him… break through… I can push him away… I did once before… but I have to admit that this time is different… this time… he’s not drunk… he’s not high… he’s only thinking of me…and that makes me feel… I don’t know…

Oh God… God… God… help me… Brian’s mouth on mine like this… I’ve wanted this dreamed this desired this wished and prayed and hoped and asked and… and… now… his lips are on me and I can’t breathe… I must resist… I can’t give in… things will… never… ever… be the same… again…

But Christ his fingers on my cock… rubbing me and pressing on me in just the right places I want to cry because it feels so fucking good… sends shivers through me… goosebumps all over me… and fuck he smells so good smells so familiar reminds me of being 15, 18, 20, 24, 28… all the way from being 14 and that very first touch of our lips… to being 30 and knowing what it feels like… craving it… needing it… knowing that it’s there and waiting so patiently for the next time… but there has never been a time like this ever before… there’s never been a time when his tongue has slid in my mouth and he’s tasted and explored me and treated me like this… when he’s captured me… possessed me… pinned me… so I can’t move if I wanted… can’t think about anything other than being fucked by him… oh Christ… help me…

I let myself go… I have to… there may never ever be this time again and I let my fingers climb around his neck… touching his face… almost dying from the softness… melting because I always knew it would be this good and now it’s even better than I ever ever hoped… I pull him to me… take him the way I’ve always wanted… and take his tongue in my mouth and suck and taste him… and know him…

He pushes back and it’s so fucking erotic it’s so much what I’ve always wanted it’s a dream a fantasy it can’t possibly be true… Brian hasn’t had his hand on my cock since… since… so long ago… and I’ll never forget the way it feels… never ever ever…

I suck at his lips hungrily… how long have I wanted this… I’m frantic… taking every last sense of this moment… keeping it inside…

Then he just… just pauses for the tiniest split second… and it’s gone. Gone. Our lips are still pressed together so tight… but that little stop brought reality crashing down around my shoulders and I pull back and put my hand on him and try to breathe… each quivering breath hanging between us… oh Christ I want this…. I want it I want it I want it… Brian why the fuck did you have to dangle this in front of me?

I stare at him… so fucking amazed by his beauty… and even though I know every one of his flaws… he’s still the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen… still my first love… still… my Brian…

My eyes reach his and we just fucking look at each other… I’m so scared… and I don’t know what he’s feeling… I can’t tell… he’s as blank as I tried to be… then …  I find my voice… my heart pounding in my ears and I can hardly hear myself speak and the words come out before I can suck them back… before I can change my mind…

I whisper for him to get out of there… I need him to leave because I’m losing control and letting myself go too far and I want him to fuck me so goddamn hard right there right on the floor… screw Ben, screw Justin, screw our friendship… let it all go for one mad fuck… and I know it would be the best fuck of my life…

He’s a little surprised, I think… but then again maybe not… he stands there a second, still staring at me… maybe deliberating if he’s going to push this or not… maybe giving me a chance to change my mind… but I push on him just a little and he takes a step backward… watching me…

Then he tells me he knows my secret identity… that he knows me… knows what I want what I need what I refused… but I know him too… what he wants what he needs what he tried to do… for me…

He unlocks the door and steps out… as the door closes I let out the breath I’d been holding… I drop my head and swallow the lump in my throat… fuck… what is wrong with me… it’s a fuck… nothing more… but… it’s more to me…

When he answered me before… when I sarcastically, rhetorically asked, who hasn’t slept with Brian… he said me. And I haven’t. And… that’s about the only thing that I have that sets me apart… it’s like this one thing that I’ll always want… but can never have… and that’s what makes me want it more.

I love Brian so much… more than he’ll ever know… more than I should… but I’ve proven I can have a relationship with someone else and still love Brian… he’ll always be my Brian… and I’ll always be his Mikey… and no sex is worth losing what we have… nothing is worth that… nothing…

I slide down the wall and hold my head in my hands… sucking in breaths… holding them in… I don’t want to cry over this… it’s been a long time since I let tears out over Brian… but… I just think of his lips on mine… for that one second I knew what it was like… the anticipation… the excitement… knowing that Brian was actually going to give me what I wanted… was actually going to fuck me…

I have that now. It’s enough… and I have Ben… who needs me and loves me in a way that David never did… and in a way that Brian never will… and it’s enough…

It’s enough…

I crawl behind the counter, hiding from the world… I pull my flashlight out from under the desk and my stack of comics… my favorites… the ones I read over and over and over… the ones that I know the stories inside and out… and I remember being 14 and hiding from everyone in the woods behind school and how Brian found me that time… and we met… and my life was never ever the same since… fuck… these are the same comics I used to carry around in my backpack… and I open one up… get that familiar paper smell and try to ignore the tears that fall… don’t care… fresh tears drop on the paper beside the millions that have come before… how many over Brian Kinney? How many over this life? How many from missed opportunity… from not doing what I wanted… from not being brave enough to take a chance… but… I can’t live like Brian… I have regret… I have a conscious… I have the things he doesn’t and he has the things I don’t and that makes us perfect friends…

And perfect friends is enough…

Enough.

Continue to No Regrets (Brian's POV)