Hmmm… fuck…

The knock at the door gets heavier and faster. Christ… please don’t be some guy from downstairs… please don’t be the maid… I’m not dressed… all I’ve got on is this robe and nothing underneath… and there’s no chain on the door… I think about not answering… there’s not even a fucking peephole…

More knocking… fuck it… I’m here in fucking Vermont… alone… maybe some company would be a good thing.

I get up off the bed and twist the handle slowly, ready to push the door back in case it’s someone I don’t want to see.

The door opens… and… and…

“Hey Sunshine,” Brian says… holding out an ice bucket, stuffed full with ice and a bottle of champagne.

“Brian… what the fuck are you doing here?” I stutter out… this must be a dream… after last night… all my tears… and now… he’s here… what I wanted…

“What do you think?” He pushes open the door and puts the ice bucket on the dresser and drops his bag. He kicks the door closed behind him and steps into me… I stumble back… not believing he’s here… but he puts his cold hands on my cheeks and pulls me to him for a kiss… long… deep… his soft lips pressing against mine… mouth opening to taste me… touch our tongues together… I close my eyes and let him take me… my anger is gone… my sadness is gone… all I wanted… all I needed is here…

He pulls away for a second… catching his breath… pushes his forehead against mine…

“I didn’t want you to… couldn’t let you think… I didn’t…” he doesn’t finish his sentence… doesn’t need to… the fact that I’m sitting here naked under my bathrobe… the room smelling of cigarettes and the bed unmade… he knows… that I was hurting… that… whatever… he’s here… now…

His hands leave my face and find my shoulders… he pushes me backwards… I step back until I hit the edge of the bed and I fall down on it… he climbs between my legs… his eyes never leaving mine…

“What do you want, Justin?” he asks… his eyes filled with passion… lust… hungry for me…

“Everything, Brian… give me everything,” I whisper back… my voice catching in my throat… his weight on me so good… I feel dizzy… wonderful… warm with him so close… my dick is instantly hard… he’s where I love him… between my legs… pressing against my cock… hands on my skin… lips against mine… this is where I want Brian… always…

But he pushes himself off the bed… leaving me… I’m stunned for a second… but he’s standing at the end of the bed and giving me a show… he pulls his scarf from his neck… unzips his jacket… throws it to the ground… stands there a second… then pulls his sweater off… Christ… he’s got another t-shirt on underneath… wanna see his chest… wanna see his skin… he grabs the bottom of his t-shirt… sees the look of anticipation on my face… then pulls that over his head… tossing it aside… his hair gets all messy… and fuck… it just makes him more beautiful… more desireable… more everything…

He grins at me… undoes the top button of his jeans… and I sit up further on my elbows… then he unbuttons one more… and I lean closer… can’t help… shit… want… need… he unbuttons one more… and I can see the nest of his pubic hair… taunting me… I slide to the edge of the bed… but he leans over and pushes me back gently… just wait… he whispers…

He undoes the last button and slides out of his pants… kicking off his shoes… nudging it all aside… then climbs back onto the bed… on top of me… I fall back… and he leans over me… one hand pushing open my robe… running his palm up my chest… to my shoulder… pins me down… and touches our lips together… wet… silky… hot breath on each other… I slide my hands in his hair… gathering little tufts between my fingers… oh Christ… how… can his hair be so soft…

His tongue slips across my lips… licking me… so softly… and I just relax… trying to breathe… trying to suck in each breath… trying to let it out again… as I focus on the liquid touch of his tongue on my mouth… I let my lips part a little and his tongue slides between them… touching my teeth… running across them… then into my mouth… let him find my tongue… licking me inside… fuck… it’s… so… it’s like I can feel it… on my dick…

I can’t stand it anymore and close my mouth on his tongue… sucking it softly… he slides it in and out of my mouth as I pull on it… fucking… fucking… breathe… need to breathe… I suck in a deep breath through my nose and he slides his tongue from my mouth… kissing me lightly as he does…

We’re half falling off the bed and he pulls me up… gripping me beneath my arms and sliding me up the bed till my head hits the pillow… I yank the robe off… pushing it aside… naked for him… he hangs over me… watching me… smiling… I stretch out my arms to my sides… palms up… push my legs open wide… I’m here Brian… open… vulnerable… I’m yours… give me everything…

He just looks me up and down… up and down… and I look at him… what, I want to ask… but he smiles and shakes his head a little and fuck I wish I knew what he was thinking… but… I just smile back at him… it’s okay now… everything’s okay…

He kisses me on the forehead… and I close my eyes and inhale his smell… his neck… near my nose… and I just smell him… Christ… so good… Brian… just Brian…

His lips move to my left temple… his fingers on my scalp… rubbing his fingertips against my skin… so nice… massaging me… as his tongue slips down my cheek… little kisses on my eyelids… down the bridge of my nose… it tickles and feels so nice at the same time… I feel the air from his nose pushing out across my skin… and it’s so quiet here… all I can hear is his breathing… constant… this is what I missed…

He reaches my mouth… kisses me on the lips… then slides his tongue down my neck to my throat… licking me in that spot… oh Christ… right there… sucking… harder… I know he’s making a mark… shit… it feels good… and… then he leaves… and… oh… goes to my nipple… flicking his tongue across it… getting hard… ow… bites… then licks… bites… then licks… more marks… fuck Brian… more…

“Make me yours Brian… more…” I whisper… I love it… love it… more…

His teeth attack me suddenly… a bite on my chest… mmm… more… his fingers slide around my throat… squeezing against my air intake… little twitch from my dick in response… intoxicating… I can breathe… but just like the feeling… of him… holding me like this… he keeps biting me across the chest… little teeth marks… then he pinches my nipple… his face is in mine again… and he bites on my lips… I try to kiss him… but he doesn’t let go… his fingers tightening around my throat… and fuck… I need him to touch my dick… need him to… hmph… fuck… need… something… Brian… he lets go of my lips and finds that spot on my neck… biting into me… sucking hard again… more… fuck… I want a … rough… fuck… after… this… now… need… Brian…

“Brian… come on…” a thin voice from my throat… “fuck me…”

“Not yet…” he says… lifting his head… from the spot on my neck… he releases his hand from my throat and slides down to my cock… and finally… finally… oh fuck… he takes my cock in his mouth… deep… massaging me with his mouth… holding me there…my fingers touch his hair… and he reaches his hands up… taking mine in his… weaving our fingers together… holding on so tight… so tight… he pulls so much of me in his mouth… and I don’t try to stop it as I cum so quick… letting my breath out… squeezing his fingers with mine as he takes me there… and stays with me…

Mmmm… God... so good… he climbs up my body and I pull him to me again… want him in my mouth… want to cover him with my mouth… I push him a little to get him to roll over… I want to give that to him too… but he shakes his head… you roll over, he whispers… and guides me onto my stomach…

He pushes his nose in my hair and I feel him breathing on me… love the moist feeling of his hot air on my skin… his lips close over the short hairs at the back of my neck and I sigh… can’t believe I almost thought… I’d never get this again…

He moves down my back, kissing me, licking me… covering me with his body… reaches the top of my crack and slides even further… pulling apart my cheeks and blowing on my hole… love it love it love it… Brian… God… please… I moan loudly… so he knows… how I feel…

Tiny lick… tiny touch at first… then more… then more… and then his tongue slides in my hole and I can’t see… can’t breathe… can’t think… just feel him there… such tiny movements… such a small focus… but everything in my body is concentrated on the way his wet tongue is pleasuring me… is coming in me… is… fucking me…

Again I feel… tingle in my balls… more more more more… and more… and then… I cum again… his hands never touching my dick… just cumming from the intensity of him… the intimacy of him… just cumming from him…

I’m dying now… the desire to please him so fucking intense… need his dick in my mouth or in my ass… anywhere… but need to know I am making him feel … half as good as he’s made me feel…

I whisper his name… Brian…please… fuck me…

He lies on top of me… not putting all his weight on my back, but enough so I feel him… so I feel his dick pressed against my ass… pushed between my cheeks… he slides his cock up and down across my hole… so wet… from his spit on me… so… much…

He slides a condom on then pushes his dick inside me… like the way I remembered he had… like the way I fantasized he had… and rides me slowly… I squeeze my ass around him… hearing in his stuttered breaths… how much he loves it… and he then he cums in me… pushing his face against my cheek as he does… kissing me as he does… I smile and hold him inside me as hard as I can… loving it… knowing that I made him… feel like this…

Christ… I still want more… need more… he kisses me on the back of the neck… lifts off me… takes off the condom and turns me over… I pull my hands behind his head and wrap my legs around his back… bringing his body as close to me as I can… our dicks push together… hard… wet… I kiss his neck… and he puts on another condom… and fucks me hard… pushing in me so fucking hard… I tell him… fuck me harder… harder… harder… and he does… each thrust pushing the air from my lungs… pounding on me inside… his grip on my thighs so tight… as he fucks me fucks me fucks me… and we cum together… hard… intense… my cum spurting over my chest… and he lies on top of me after… letting it spread all over him… smearing it across our skin… we pant and groan together… exhausted… fuck…

But I still want more…

He rolls off me… on to the bed… I slide the condom off his dick and he grins at me… a genuine smile… like he’s satisfied… happy… content…

I straddle him… rub my hands over his chest… pushing across his skin… lick his chest and bite on his nipple… he just sighs heavily beneath me… and I get drunk on his smell… hot… musky…

I climb up a bit, and stare into his eyes… love those eyes… love… him… so much… I kiss him very softly… and tell him I want more…

He looks at me a second… we don’t have to talk about this… he rolls onto his stomach, and I slide on a condom… then I push my dick in him and almost cum as he lets out a moan… pleasure… fuck… I’m making him feel like this… and even though I feel like I’ve just cum a million times, I feel so soon that… I’m ready to cum again… and I rock my dick in him over and over and over and oh Christ… I feel him start to go… and then I cum too… holding him to me… and he reaches back and puts his hand on my arm and I kiss the side of his face and slide out of him, taking the condom off… and roll to my side… he rolls to his side too and we’re facing each other and then pull our bodies so close together… every inch is touching… pushing together so tight tight tight…

We kiss and he slips his lips to my ear and I feel his hot breath and I want to scream because I want to tell him how I feel so bad, but I know I know I know I can’t… he whispers my name in my ear, and I can’t say anything… can’t breathe… what, Brian, I want to say… how many times has he started like this… but never finished, never told me what he wanted to say…

Then…

“Justin,” he breathes… “I…”

I hold my breath…

“Justin… I…”

Justin I love you…

Hmmmm… warm breath on my skin… and… I heard the words… but… something…

I’m asleep… dreaming… remembering a dream I had… at Vermont… when I was alone… a fantasy… of Brian…

Justin I love you…

The whispered words again… I try to open my mouth to say them back… to say, Brian… I love you…

But…

My eyes open first…

Ethan stares at me…

“Justin… I love you,” he says….

It’s light out. It’s morning. It’s past… 3 a.m. Vaguely recall… leaving the party with Ethan… seeing Brian… there… (can’t think about that)… remember… going to the loft… and taking things… not knowing what… not knowing how long or what for… or… what to do…

Know that… now… I’m not at home… but somewhere else… with… someone else… that is giving me the words I so desperately wanted to hear… that I craved… that I longed to hear…

And find that maybe… the words…

Aren’t… important…

Maybe… I feel… like… words…don’t mean… what I thought… maybe… I’m…

Lost.