I mean… what did I fucking expect… flowers?
That he’d be fucking sorry? Worried? At least
fucking notice?
No… this is exactly what I expected. And
exactly what I got.
He had to fucking know I was coming home
at this time. I mean… his goddamn ticket that
I left on the fucking dresser for him had
the fucking time on it. Did he even fucking
look at it? Did he even fucking… ever intend
to go with me? Did he even… fucking know I
went?
I can see him through the mottled glass doors
hiding the bedroom… he’s got his head back…
sweating… gasping for breath… rocking into
some guy. Some trick. Some nothing.
He knows I’m here. Knows I’m home. That I
came back to him. He doesn’t say a word. Why
should he? He knew I’d come home.
Christ.
Fuck.
I thought things would change.
But nothing has. I spent every fucking night
in that fucking romantic lodge in Vermont
alone. And he spent every fucking night here…
fucking…
What the fuck is wrong with me…
I deliberately drag my bag through the bedroom.
I don’t have to, I just do. So he can fucking
see me. And I can fucking see him. See what…
I’m in for.
Christ. I hate myself. Because I knew this.
Knew this. Knew this.
I put on the face I wear for Brian. My strong
face. Hard face. The one I wear when I say
I don’t want a birthday party. That I want
to fuck a guy while he sucks Brian’s cock.
That I want to go to the baths. That I want
to go to Babylon. Every. Fucking. Night.
The one I’ve been wearing more and more lately.
Hide my emotions. Put them away. Push them
down down down inside. And don’t care. Don’t
care. Never let him see… how much this fucking
hurts. Never let him see… that sometimes,
maybe… I want him to stop… being who he is.
Stop being… Brian. Just for… a minute. A second.
Or… maybe I wish I would stop being me. Forever.
He looks at me and we say a few words. Whatever.
Nothing.
I dump my shit in the laundry basket in the
bathroom, brush my teeth, take a piss… and
grab a pillow and blanket from the closet,
pulling my portable CD player from my bag
as I pass by the bed again.
The trick is getting louder until he’s fucking
screaming as Brian pounds his cock in him.
I throw the pillow on the couch. Does Brian
see me? Does he know what I’m doing?
Christ… why do I care?
I pull off my pants and lie down on the couch,
yanking the blanket over me. Brian starts
grunting… louder… he’s going to cum… any second
now… I slip on my headphones, press play…
and let the violin take me away.
I won’t cry any more. I won’t. I keep my
eyes shut and let myself go. Block it all
out. Try to forget. Forget… forget… forget…
forget… pretend… lie…
Later... ... ... ...
It’s quiet now… don’t know how much time
has passed… I think I fell asleep… the music
has stopped, the CD run out… I keep my eyes
shut tight… pretend… I’m not where I am, sleeping
on the fucking couch. Alone. Again.
I get the feeling someone is standing close
to me… Brian…
I don’t wanna open my eyes. I can’t deal
with this… can’t… right now… after spending
five fucking days alone… only wanting… only
dreaming of coming home to Brian… wanting
him to take me in his arms, and hold me so
tight… tell me he’d never let me leave again…
tell me he… would be with me forever… tell
me… fucking romantic shit I know he would
never, ever, ever, say…
To come home to the fucking opposite… to
come home and realize that I’ve been replaced…
by some guy… that Brian can fill his bed with
anyone… that… I’m not worth worrying about…
not worth calling… not worth… even fucking
seeing if I needed to picked up at the goddamn
airport… not even worth… spending one night
at home alone… to make sure… I came home…
that… I even fucking came… to this place…
I thought could be home…
Christ… would he go away… go away… go away…
I feel him pull the blanket up to my shoulder…
and hear him step away. I swallow the lump
in my throat… and a tear escapes me… my strong
face for Brian… fallen…
I could keep walking… I mean… I probably
shouldn’t stand here on the street… watching
him… as he plays for money… people dropping
dollar bills in his violin case…. and… fuck…
this is twice now… that I’ve stopped and watched
Ethan play… for… an inordinate amount of time…
without him knowing… but… he’s…
Captivating.
Got this look on his face… that I saw before…
when he plays… focus… concentration… just…
intensity… like it’s him… just him… and the
violin…
Fuck…
Wonder what it’d be like…
He stops and I clap along with everyone else,
and shout out to him, so he sees me… so he
turns that focus… on me…
And… he smiles… and I smile back… and we
talk a little, joking a bit… and I say something
about his talent… and he starts getting a
little cocky again… and starts to hide a little…
bit…
Then he surprises me by telling me it’s not
really him playing… that the music flows through
him… it makes me stop and I tell him that’s
how I feel about my art too… then I’m even
more surprised that I told him that… how easy
it was… to say those words… I gotta leave
before… I say…
But… somehow he convinces me to help him
drag home some old couch and before I know
it I’m in his apartment, I’ve met his gorgeous
cat, and I’m telling him about Brian. Fuck…
don’t know how I got from standing on a street
corner to sitting a foot away from him in
his funky, warm home… in less than 10 minutes…
but… I’m here. And… talking to him… is so…
fucking easy… but… I don’t wanna talk about
Brian… don’t wanna open my mouth to say one
more goddamn word… because… I know it’ll all
come out… I know… I’ll tell Ethan everything…
because… he makes me wanna tell him… everything…
And… Christ… he makes me feel so good…
He drops these little comments… tells me
everything I want to hear… so easily… he tells
me I’m beautiful… and at first… I think… fuck…
and then I get so fucking embarrassed and
I blush and I can’t help but crack up… he
does too… but my face is so red… and I can’t
help but… feel so warm… and… just… good…
In his laugh, I realize that he’s… just shy…
really… he hides behind his talent… hides
behind the great person he supposed to be…
and he is great… but I think there is so much
more… than the music he lets flow through
him… so much more… to this man… that I have
no idea…
And I wanna learn… wanna be his friend… wanna
get to know him… he makes me feel 19… makes
me feel like I should feel… lets me talk about
whatever I want to… or don’t want to… and
I think he… would understand me… no matter
what I told him I wanted…
I think… I better go… my face still burning…
but in such a good way… and I get up… he follows
me to the door… don’t think he wants me to
go, but that makes me realize that I better…
He’s suddenly so shy and at a loss for words
and the cocky face he puts on is completely
gone… totally… vanished… and he seems like
just some kid… looking at me like that… he
stumbles for words… he wants to ask me something,
I think, but just says… he’ll see me around…
but… it’s a question… not a statement…
I wanna tell him, yeah… but then think I
shouldn’t… I should just leave this… but…
I make a decision… either I tell Brian about
my showing at the student art fair… and make
myself sick watching the door and hoping and
praying that he’ll come…
Or I tell Ethan… and not worry… and just…
let what is going to happen… probably nothing…
happen…
Brian wouldn’t have come anyway… he doesn’t
care about this kind of shit… so…
I mention it to Ethan. And although he kind
of shrugs… I have a feeling I won’t be watching
the door for him… because he’ll be there.
Brian storms in the loft… angry… work shit…
I try my best… I smile… I’ve been thinking
all day about how mad I was last night when
I got home from Vermont… and sleeping on the
couch. Then when I woke up this morning… and
he was already gone… it was worse. No more
than two words he’d said to me last night.
I was so mad I was ready to leave.
Then I thought…
No.
I’ll try. I owe him. I owe myself.
And I love him… so much…
So… I forgave him for letting me sleep on
the couch. Forgave him for fucking some guy.
Sort of forgave him for letting me go to Vermont
all alone. Letting me… feel like shit. I just
pushed it away.
But now… he’s been here for two fucking seconds…
and… and… I can’t help it… can’t… stop… the
anger again…
I wanna scream at him… Brian… I’m talking
to you I’m talking to you I’m fucking TALKING
to you! I wanna scream it!
But instead… I play around… I say the things
I want him to say… knowing he’s not listening…
knowing if he did listen… he wouldn’t hear…
knowing if he did hear… he wouldn’t… acknowledge…
Laughing at myself… I’m such a fool… such
an idiot… and I just… let myself… fall… playing
around at first… but then realizing… I’m not
playing… because he’s not listening… and the
only way I will ever get to hear the things
I want to… is by saying them… myself… and
making sure he doesn’t hear…
Fuck… he jumps in my face. Finally acknowledging
me… asking me who I’m talking to…
Who the fuck do you think? But I answer him
honestly. No one. Absolutely no one.
Finally he’s paying attention to me… kind
of… he asks me how my trip was, joking of
course… but I tell him the truth. Wanting
him to say… something… but he just asks why
I didn’t tell him I was going.
Fuck, Brian. It’s not storming out if you
TELL the person. I can’t tell him the real
reason. That I wanted to hurt him. Wanted
him to feel what’s like. But I just tell him
that I didn't think he'd care. And... apparently...
he didn't.
For a second… I think maybe…? Is he gonna
say something… I see a glimmer in his eyes…
he can’t look at me… that means… he’s hiding…
But then he changes the subject, as always.
Back to work. Work. Work. Fucking work.
He gets up… and I can’t stop myself… and
now I’m serious… I ask him… did you miss me?
Fuck… as soon as the goddamn words are out
my mouth I regret it… stupid stupid stupid…
I look away knowing he won’t respond. You’d
think I was fucking asking him if he loved
me.
Then… he’s behind me… big sigh… his arms
slide down my shoulders and grip my wrists…
he pulls me up… and… puts me where he wants
me… against the metal beam in the loft… face
first… he pulls my shirt over my head… then
his mouth on my neck… where he knows… I love
it… takes my hands in his again… and wraps
my fingers around the steel beam… he pulls
down my pants… I hear him unzip his… the tear
of a condom… and then…
He’s so close to me… I hold on… just fucking
hold on… I’m not scared. Not nervous. Not
anxious. But when he pushes his dick against
my hole… then…in… fuck… it hurts… like it
hasn’t hurt for a long time with Brian… I
scrunch up my face – can’t help it… and I
realize… that… I’m stressed… and… maybe I
am nervous… and maybe I am a little scared…
because… but then… then… oh… oh… God… oh…
Brian… fucks… soooo good… and… it’s the first
time in a week… the longest we’ve gone without
fucking for months… and… though he’s probably
fucked 20 tricks in that time… it’s the first
time for me since he fucked me the morning
before I left…
And though it’s not how I dreamt it every
night I was alone without him… didn’t dream
of my face pressed up against a cold steel
beam… didn’t dream of two seconds of foreplay…
but… I did dream of his lips on my neck… the
push of air from his lungs as he slides his
dick into me… did dream of that little sigh
he makes… did dream of all those things… he’s
doing… now…
Oh… fuck… whatever pain I might’ve felt…
is… going… going… gone… he just takes it so…
easy… he can feel… whatever the fuck it is
I’m feeling… he knows… and… he presses his
chest to my back… his hand on my hip… brushing
his lips across my face, my ear, in my hair…
and Christ… I just… fall… back into him… as…
he… makes… me feel… oh oh oh oh … fuck me…
it’s just. So. Fucking. Good. He holds me
up… and I let him… take me… take me… fuck
me… I let him… hold me… to him… so tight…
and…
I’m lost…
I hold on… squeezing his fingers beneath
mine on the beam… and it’s so fucking hot…
so hot… so hot…
But when it’s done… I wanna ask him again…
Brian… did you miss me… or did you miss fucking
me…
But I don’t wanna know the answer to that…
so I wear my strong face for Brian… and I
love it as he fucks me again…
And I was right… Ethan is here my art showing…
complimenting my skill… my paintings… he offers
to buy one… and I tell him that it’s his…
for a song…
He smiles… just making me feel… this familiar
way now that I feel when I’m around him…
Like I’m worthy.
Like I’m special.
Like I’m… the only person in the world that
matters.
He asks me back to his place… just for a
drink, or whatever, just to thank me for helping
him with the couch the other day… and what
the fuck… I shrug my shoulders… and we go.
We get to his place and I cuddle with his
cat… watching Ethan as he pulls out all this
stuff… bread and cheese and wine… and puts
it on a tray… then on the floor… and I kind
of laugh, but he sits down and I do too… and…
We just talk… and drink… and talk… and… I
feel kind of tipsy… and don’t wanna talk about
Brian… Ethan asks me questions… but I don’t
wanna talk… about Brian…
So I ask him about boyfriends… curious… what
kind of man he’d love… and he describes someone…
just like…
Just like…
Someone I love…
I try not to let it show on my face… try
not to let him see… but fuck, he’s talking
about his last boyfriend… some guy that just
wanted to go to clubs and bring home other
guys to fuck… sounds just like Brian…
And Ethan tells me… that all he wants is
to have… is exactly what I want to have… just
one person… just one… to love… and be with…
And I know it’s all over my face… I can’t
hide it… can’t… can’t… I don’t have to tell
him anything with words… Ethan knows it all
now…
Knows I’m hurting. Knows I love Brian. Knows…
I’m in trouble.
He left me.
Left me.
Brian… left me… sitting on the floor… among
the pillows and the blanket I just laid on
the hardwood… among the foolish things like
wine glasses and cheese and crackers and candles
and shit… that I put out for him… and me…
to share…
And sitting here on the floor… alone… I feel
like such an idiot… a fucking… stupid… little
shit…
Trying to… recreate something. Trying to…
do for Brian… what Ethan had done for me…
and it makes me feel… so… stupid… stupid…
stupid…
And angry.
Brian left me. Here. And made me feel… like
I was demanding something of him. Like I was
wrong for expecting him to want to be with
me.
I fucking tried. I really… really… tried.
Holding him there. Asking him… to stay. I
was fucking begging… please Brian. Please
Brian. Please Brian…
A second passed… he pressed his forehead
to mine. I felt like… maybe… fuck… maybe…
But then he just left me. And I knew it was
over. All over. All over. All over for tonight.
Can’t make me feel like this anymore.
Worthless.
Powerless.
And what hurts me… so fucking much… is that
he doesn’t mean it. I know… he doesn’t… I
think I know he doesn’t. I think I know that…
he has reasons… he has… things… he can’t or
won’t tell me… but…
I have things too. I have things I need him
to say. Things I need to hear. Things… I need
in my life. It’s been a year since I almost
lost my life. And now I need more.
But why… do I love him so much? Why… does
it hurt so much?
I lie on the floor… having put everything
away. Having listened to Brian walk out the
door. And leave me here. Alone.
I know that no matter what, I’ll love him
forever. He made me this way. He told me…
no matter who I’m ever with… he’ll always
be there. And he is… he’s always in my thoughts…
my dreams… my everything… it doesn’t matter…
what I do… who I fuck… he’s there… always
there.
The bastard.
Why did he tell me that if he didn’t mean
it? If he didn’t want to be there? Always?
I need it to not hurt right now. I need it
to go away for a little bit. I need perspective.
I need… something different.
But… but… but…
I’ll wait for tonight. I know I said I wouldn’t
wait. But I can wait.
I climb into bed and try to go to sleep.
Not thinking about this. Not thinking about
the irony… of how last week all I dreamed
about was being in this bed. And now I am.
But I’m still here alone.
No more faces for me to wear.
Don’t ask me how I got here… just… showed
up… just… found myself here…
I left the loft… waiting for Brian to come
home… fuck me… I told myself I wasn’t going
to wait anymore… and then I found myself…
waiting waiting waiting… for the second night
in a row… while he fucked around… whatever…
I didn’t know… after last night… I don’t know
what to expect anymore… don’t know what to
hope for anymore.
Finally… he hadn’t come home from work, and
he hadn’t called. Hadn’t told me if he was
with Michael at the hospital, if he was still
at work, if he went to Linds and Mels… so
I assumed he was fucking around. Could be
wrong. But… it was all I had.
So. Fuck it, I thought. Stormed out. Left.
No more waiting.
This time I mean it.
I wandered around… trying not to… let my
angry face down. Trying not to let Justin
out. Trying to be strong and brave and every
fucking thing.
But how strong am I… that I ended up here?
Where I know I’ll be treated… like… I want…
to…
Ethan opens the door… and I see in his eyes
he’s happy to see me… surprised, yes… it’s
after 11 and I know I wasn’t invited. But…
I tell him I came for my song. Tell him…
what I want… without fear of being shamed.
Without fear of being hurt.
I go in… sit down… get ready… he asks what
I want to hear… and I tell him… something
astonishingly romantic… it’s how I feel… want
to feel… need to feel…
He looks at me… kind of bites his bottom
lip… I guess… he wanted to hear that too…
wants to feel that too… and…
He plays…I close my eyes… the song… I wanted…
the one… I wanted him to play for me… the
one I listened to him play on his CD a million
times… and thought of him… the one…
I… I’m suddenly so fucking filled with… with
emotion… I… can’t believe how a song… a note…
can pull on my heart… how… he can pick up
that instrument… and pull from it… something
so beautiful… something so… powerful… something
so simple… and yet… speaks a thousand words…
tells me… what I want…
I feel like… like… like everything is going
to come pouring out… and all my faces are
gone… and I’m only left with me… only left
with how I really feel right now… and… he
lets me be who I want… hopelessly romantic…
foolishly in love with life… joyous… and so
goddamn happy that I’ve survived everything
that I have… and…
And…
I stand up… and take a step… just to hear
it… just to see how… he does it… just to…
And I get closer… drawn to him… so honest…
so raw… so passionate… so…
His eyes meet mine… and I keep coming closer…
and it’s louder and louder… and fuck… I don’t
know what I’m doing… except… doing what I
want… right now… what I fucking know I need
right now…
And we’re suddenly so close… and he stops…
the last note hanging in the air for a split
second… then goes on… in our heads… we both
know how it goes… both know… how… it ends…
both know…
We just… stop time… stop… everything… and
I know it’s written all over my face… know
that now my heart is out… now… everything
I’ve never told anyone… is all there… and
he gets it… so gets it…
He waits… doesn’t move… doesn’t breathe…
just… waits… for me… to…
Decide…
And… I choose… to… live… how I want…
I choose… to… let him… make me happy…
Just for right now…
Our lips touch… and… it’s so different than
anything I’ve ever known… I’m… finally me…
not pretending to be who Brian wants me to
be… not pretending to be Brian with that virgin…
not pretending to be some hot stud at Babylon…
I’m… just… me…
Justin…
Though I’m so confused right now… don’t know
what I’m doing… don’t know… if I’m going to
end up hurting Ethan… don’t know… anything…
Just… push our faces together… knowing I
shouldn’t be doing it… knowing I shouldn’t…
but… our mouths come together again… and oh
Christ, I can’t stop… we can’t stop… my hands
on his waist and his fingers in my hair on
the back of my neck… and he’s not pulling
me to him… just holding me… and his breath…
so anxious… so… shaky… and he wants me… I
know it… and… and… I pull him to the bed…
pull him down…
He pulls away for a second… I think he’s
going to stop me… tell me I shouldn’t, tell
me we shouldn’t… but… he just puts his violin
on the ground… so gently… so… carefully… then
returns his gaze to me… he sees me… sees me…
sees… inside me…
He unzips my sweater, and… he reaches inside…
touching me… like… the way… someone else has…
just once… and then his hands on my face…
and I’m freaked suddenly because he sees me…
sees me… my pain, my fear, my desperation,
my passion… everything… he gets it… doesn’t
ignore it… doesn’t push it away… and I let
it show… I have nothing to hide behind…
I know he can tell I’m scared… that I’m not
making any promises… that I might not be here
tomorrow… that… all I want is for him to…
kiss me… again…
We come together again… passion… lust… but
maybe more… and we just fall to the bed… I
let myself go… forget everything… his hands
hold me so tight… his fingers in my hair…
on my neck… just holding me… caressing me…
touching me… and his lips are so different
yet so familiar… and I don’t know anymore…
don’t know don’t know don’t know…
I close my eyes… and let my fingers guide
me… let my lips be kissed… let… it go…
Our hands find our shirts and pants and pull
everything off… frantic, frantic, frantic…
our lips parting for brief seconds… then coming
together again… so hard… so… wet… so… different
and I know I shouldn’t shouldn’t shouldn’t…
but… I want to want to want to…
Then suddenly… we’re both naked… lying on
his bed, facing each other, arms and legs
tangled together… I know… he wants to fuck
me. I know he wants to hold me to him… and
come inside me… I know that… but… but…
I can’t let him.
I… it’s so stupid… but… I can’t give him
that. Can’t let him have that… can’t let him
in where only Brian… Brian… fuck… I can’t…
I don’t want to feel vulnerable. I don’t
want to… let him make me feel… like Brian
does… I don’t want… to… can’t… don’t want
to…
I just want to be close. I just want to hold
him. I just want to… want to…
I nudge him… a little… give him a look… let
him know… I plan on fucking him… let him know…
what I want to do… let him know… that… he’s…
mine right now… but that I can’t be his… not
now… maybe not ever… not now…
He kisses me again… his eyes closed… then
rolls onto his side… away from me… pushes
his back to me… reaches behind him… his hand
on my hip… pulling me towards him… wanting
it… wanting me inside him… I press my face
to his dark mess of curls… breathing him in…
so different… so different… I’ve never fucked
anyone that I’ve actually known before… anyone
but Brian… and that’s…
Different.
I find my pants and pull a condom out of
my pocket… it doesn’t mean as much if I fuck
him… doesn’t mean as much if I…
I stop for a second… and just take a breath…
a long… breath… just… make sure… I know… what…
Behind me I hear him whisper my name… asking
if I have a condom… feel his fingers brush
against the skin on my back…
I open the package… roll on the condom… and
lie behind him… he rests his head on the pillow,
bunching it in his fingers… and I think it’s
been a while since he’s had someone inside
him… and it makes me feel… feel… I don’t know…
funny somehow that he’d let me…
Don’t think…
Need to be lost again…
I kiss his shoulders… the back of his neck…
he twists his head around… his mouth reaching
for mine… and I don’t think about how I’ve
almost broken all my rules… all the stupid
selfish things I asked of Brian. Realize now…
that it wouldn’t make him be who I wanted.
Because I break them… and love him even more.
But now… I wanna let it go.
I push my dick against his hole… press against
him… know he’s gonna hurt… he’s tight scared
nervous anxious afraid… I don’t know… I go
slow… so slow… feeling… that first entry…
feeling the head of my cock go in… and he
gasps… sucking in deep breaths of air… and
I wait… just wait… I know I know I know… but
it feels so good… feels… so… good… and… then
I push just a little more and more and more…
till there is no more… and I’m inside him…
feeling him… I wrap my hands around his chest…
holding him to me… loving his vulnerability…
loving his honesty…
He grips my fingers tightly… and I just let
go… and he lets go… and I push inside him
slowly… he moans a little when I hit him inside…
a quiet whimper… his eyes shut so tight… I
kiss the back of his neck…and push inside
him again… and again… and more… and more…
His skin is so hot beneath mine… his breathing
is shuddered… heavy… he’s whispering oh God
oh God oh God over and over and over with
each breath… so quiet… I grip his hip as I
move deeper… push harder… and he pushes back
on me… pushes back… and I moan, not meaning
to… but it comes out… and I let it out… burying
my face in his hair… so soft on my cheek…
and I get lost again… in the feelings… the
sensations… the way it feels to be inside
him… the way he holds me inside him… pulling
me more and more and more and suddenly I know
we’re both close… and I slide my fingers off
his hip… to his dick… taking it in my fingers…
so fucking hot… he’s fucking dripping… and
he’s telling me more… more… more… I let my
fingers slide up and down his cock… and he’s
squeezing my hand across his chest and he
cries out suddenly, loudly… and my hand is
warm with his cum… filled with it… and I push
inside him as each spasm leaves him… and a
few more pushes inside him… and fuck… I’m
gone… gone… gone… cumming inside him… panting…
pushing hard with each wave… still holding
his cock in my fingers… his cum cooling between
my knuckles… but… I don’t wanna leave him
yet… leave this safe place… don’t wanna…
He twists around, and my dick slides out
of him… his cock falls from my fingers… I
roll onto my back… and he’s in my face, kissing
my chest… licking my neck… running his tongue
up the side of my face… kissing me… and I
just lie… there… silent…
His lips leave mine and he pushes bunches
of Kleenex into my hand… I wipe his cum from
my fingers… pull off the condom… wipe my dick…
lie there… Ethan puts his head on my chest…
wrapping his hands under me… hugging me so
tightly… I put my fingers on his back… holding
him to me…
“It’s okay, Justin…” he whispers. “Whatever
it is… it’s okay.”
I nod… because I can’t speak. Can’t. I thought
I’d crossed a chasm before… when I left Brian
and went to Vermont alone. But… I feel like…
I’ve fucking jumped… across the ocean now.
Feel like… there really is no turning back.
Continue to Faces:
Part 2 (Brian's Story)
