Why… did I do it… why… did I have to try and prove…

I have nothing to prove. Of all the people in my life… there are two that I don’t have to fucking prove anything to. And I haven’t felt the need to prove anything to Mikey… but why Justin… why…

Christ, I hate myself.

After that first night Justin was in Vermont… I couldn’t be alone anymore. So I fucked. And got fucked up. And went to work. And came home and fucked and got so goddamn wasted that I couldn’t remember… why….

But… what did he expect?

I can’t do it… can’t… be what he wants… fuck…

But did I have to do this? Fuck. What’s wrong with me? And how many fucking times am I going to ask that question… when am I going to realize… that this is who I am… all I can be…

I couldn’t say anything more to Justin. Other than “You’re back.” And he gave me his pouty response. Of course I noticed. Of course I did. Why do you think I’ve been screwing everything in sight… because when my mind is on my cock… it isn’t anywhere else…

I finish fucking the trick… he asks a few questions about the kid… I kick him out fast… don’t want to talk to you… don’t want to talk… I shake my head… get the fuckin’ shit out of my system… I think I might need to deal… with this… but…

I can’t…

I stand in front of the couch… looking down at him. Justin’s curled up on the sofa, legs tucked underneath him, headphones half falling off his head. He looks so small… looks so… young… looks… like… the boy I love… I wanna wrap him up in my arms and carry him to the bed… lie him down… and kiss every inch of his body… give him goosebumps… make those little cries come from this throat… take his dick in my mouth and make him cum over and over and over again…

He’s awake. I know he is… but he doesn’t say anything. Pretends to be asleep. Pretends… for him… for me… I don’t fuckin’ know. And it makes me feel… like… an even bigger shit. Because I know he wants to deal with this… but he knows I can’t.

Ironic… now he’s here… on the couch. Where I’ve slept every night he’s been gone. Because… it was too hard to lie awake in bed… too hard to… think about him not being beside me…

And now he’s back… and… I try to keep my Brian Kinney face… try not to let it out… try not to be afraid of how badly I seem to be fucking this up… try… so… hard… not to let just Brian out… try… so hard… not to… show… not to…

I have to move… can’t stand here and stare all night… I have a long night ahead of me… lying in that fucking bed alone… when he’s here… and I wanna touch his shoulder and tell him… that… I don’t know… something…

I pull the blanket up his shoulder… covering him… he’ll be okay. He knew it would be like this… he loves me… he’ll always be here… I can fix it…

Fuckin’ day… fucking pissed at everything… everything…

Get this fucking account from Vance… he expects me to pull off a fucking miracle… I know I can… but… I just… wanted. Maybe. To. Spend. Time. With.

After last night… Justin coming home Vermont… and I wanted to hold him… and this morning… I had to leave, but didn’t want to wake him… stared at him again… watched him sleep… so… honest… so… bare…

And I thought about being with him. How badly I wanted him. How I wanted to fuck him then bring him to Babylon with me… where we could lose ourselves in the thump of the music… the darkness… everything… pushing our bodies close on the dance floor… showing off to everyone… letting them all know… letting them watch…

I fucking love it…

Then…

This shit lands. And I realize I can’t go. That I need to work on this. Need to pull something together. Because I have a stake in what happens now… I thought being partner would mean freedom… but it means responsibility. And we all know how much I fucking love that.

So… I get home. And see him there. And he’s talking to me… and I wish I could deal… but I can’t…

He starts… just fucking going on… and every word out of his mouth is making me angrier for some goddamn reason… YES I fucking hear you… but Justin I can’t deal with feeling sorry… just give me a fucking second…

Please…

Okay… I get out of my work clothes… pull off my business face… for a second… okay… back to my reality… back to Justin… back to dealing with this…

Okay…

I listen… I heard… I know… he’s saying the things he wants to hear from me… wants me to say… and he knows… I… I…

I ask him why he didn’t tell me he was going… and he says he didn’t think I’d care…

I almost wanna tell him to fuck off… laugh… yeah, right. Like I didn’t care. Like I didn’t fucking feel like a goddamn knife had been shoved through my heart. Like I wasn’t fucking freaked out every night thinking about him there alone. I can’t tell him that. Can’t tell him that I wanted to go and meet him up there and be with him… but this goddamn fucking voice inside me wouldn’t let me… wouldn’t let me do… what my heart told me I should…

I go back to business face… safe… safe… no emotion…

And when he asks me if I missed him… I wanna say yes… I wanna say… you have no idea… I wanna say so many things… but I can’t… so I tell him the only way I know how… the only way… I can really talk to him… and I don’t wanna fuck him in our bed where he just saw me with that trick… and I don’t wanna fuck him on the couch where I slept and thought of him…

So I fuck him right there… rough… raw… I know he likes it… pushed up against the beam in the loft… wrapping my arms around him… letting him fall back into my embrace… holding him…

Feeling so good inside him… feeling so… amazing… inside him… feeling… like I belong inside him.

I tell him… by fucking… that I missed him… I tell him… by kissing… that I needed him…. I tell him… by making him cum… that I wanted him with me… and… I hope he heard… I hope he listened…

Goddammit… Mikey… Mikey…

Emmett called us as soon as they heard the news… Mikey ran to the hospital to be with Ben… and we all just dropped everything. Everything. To be there for Mikey. Because we all knew he’d do the same for any one of us.

We’re trying to figure out all the things that can be done and the things we can do for him… when he bursts in the door… fucking looking like shit… comes in… pushes us all away… even me… and goes into his room. Alone.

Mikey can’t be alone. Can’t.

I open the door and come in. I know he wants me to. He might not think he does… but I know him better…

And… he’s… frantic.  That’s the only word for it. Frantic. Throwing shit everywhere… he’s got that look and Christ… I do everything I can… I try to joke…

He’s looking for stuff… he doesn’t realize he’s going crazy… and… I try everything… I try to hug him… he pushes me away… I try to… just touch him… and… finally he sits down for a second…

He’s going on… going on… and finally… I say to him… hope he remembers… I tell him… he doesn’t have to be brave on accounta me… and he looks at me like I’m nuts… he doesn’t remember saying that to me… one of the million times Jack kicked the shit outta me and I came limping to his house… I think I was 17… and I sat there in his bedroom… thinking I was too old to cry over shit like this… but… he said those words to me… and… I realized maybe I was trying to be brave for Mikey… and I cried on his shoulder for hours… and hours…

But he doesn’t remember.

He will later.

I try again… I ask him to let us help him… and find myself mouthing the refrain I’ve heard a million times from Mikey… laughing to myself that I knew exactly what words would come from his mouth… ‘I can do it myself’… he’s said that to me more times that I can count. Usually when there was no way he could possibly shoulder the burden. The harder it gets… the more convinced he is that he can… do… it… himself…

I keep talking to him… trying to help… but knowing I’m not… just letting him know I’m here… I’m always here for him… so many debts I have to repay to this man… the least I could ever do… is… be… here…

And I talk to him so quietly… don’t want any one to hear… don’t want everyone to know… what a fucking mess he is…

I just have to give him time… just have to give him… time…

Later... ... ... ... ...

I get the call…

Don’t know why I answered my cellphone. Just did. Was supposed to go into this big presentation… show the shitty idea I came up with for this new account. I wasn’t prepared for it… not like I usually am… and so when the phone rang… I guess I figured… it’d give me a few more minutes… a quick escape.

But not like this.

Mikey… at the other end of the phone… holding back his sobs… holding back… now there are no words… I have to be there… have to go… oh shit Mikey… is falling apart… going… going… going… there’s nothing a phone call can do… nothing… my voice can do… but… I lose my business face so fucking fast… and Brian… just me… comes out and I can’t hide it…

Lose my power voice… lose everything… swallow… swallow… breathe… tell Vance I have to go… can’t explain… gonna throw up… feel… feel… have to go… say some words about the meeting… but am gonna lose it… in about… two… seconds… if I don’t get to be with Mikey… right now… I keep backing up… getting away from here and closer to Mikey…

Get away… get away…

And then I get there… the hospital… driving like a fucking madman… hearing his voice in my head over and over and over… and knowing I’m the only one that can help him…

I walk down the hallway to Ben’s room… and I find Mikey outside the door… he’s fucking hiding his face against the wall… Christ… holding back… I know that… I know Mikey so fucking well… and he’s going on about bothering me and I tell him to shut up…

Ask him how Ben is… and he starts… talking… and… then…

He’s gone…

Lost it…

Gone…

And I haven’t seen him… heard him… felt him… like this… for so long… I feel fucking 16 again… feel like I’m standing in the hospital with him again… when he first found out Vic had AIDS… feel fucking 17 when those assholes called us fags and kicked the shit out of us… feel fucking 21 again… holding him when his first boyfriend dumped him… feel… like me again… like the Brian that Mikey knew and loved and grew up with… and all I know how to do is hold him… to me as tight as I can… let him know I’m here… let him know…

And he starts telling me… he’s doesn’t want Ben to die… and I tell him the shit I shouldn’t… because I don’t know if it’s true… I tell him Ben’s not going to die… saying it over and over and over… because he needs to hear it… and I know he’ll believe it from me… even for a second… and if that makes him better right now… it’s worth it…

He lets me go… and starts laying on bullshit about needing to be strong… and I tell him he is strong… fuck… he is… he’s dealt with more blows than anyone I know… even Justin… and… I’ve been there for almost every single one…

He tries to push me away… putting up his brave face again… I start to lose my Mikey… start to see that childhood face disappear… the one I love so much… and I need him to stay with me… because he’ll believe me…

And I grab his face… and I tell him to listen to me. Like I have so many times. I get him… I hold him there… I look in his eyes… and let him see how much I hate this… how much I don’t want to see him hurt… I let him see that’s really me… his Brian… not the Brian Kinney that everyone else knows… and I let everything go… and tell him… what I never told him…

Tell him… admit to him… how much… I needed him… that night… (don’t think don’t think don’t think about the last time you were here)… and I admit that I thought that Justin was gonna die… and I needed Mikey as much as he needs me now… shit… more so… so much more so… because I’m not nearly as strong as him… not nearly…

And he knows… he sees it… and he lets me say the words I have such trouble saying… and he… nods… he hears me… thank God… I swallow the tears… I feel in my throat. I can only cry for Mikey… can only ever let him know… who I am…

And he kisses me… hard… it’s okay… we’re both a mess now… and life… everything… I try to be… seems… so… fucking… insignificant…

I hold him tight… he holds me back… and it’s okay… for now… okay… for a bit… okay…

But this was hard for me… had to think about… what I didn’t want to… had to think about… what happened… a year ago… had to think about how I nearly lost Justin… nearly lost… the best fucking thing that’s happened to me in so… so… long…

Fuck…

I focus on Mikey. I sit with Mikey. I let him rest his head on my lap and I run my fingers through his hair while he sleeps… finally sleeps… gets the rest he needs… to deal with all this… and I don’t think about how he held me like this… don’t think about… how he wrapped his fingers around my neck… steadied me… stopped me from fucking killing myself over and over and over… while I was dieing inside… at the very thought… that I could lose Justin… and that it would be… All. My. Fault.

Don’t think about that.

Just think about Mikey.

Later… it’s later… and Ben’s awake, and Mikey goes with him… he looks so much better… looks strong… he’s got his smile back… got… it back… and he hugs me and tells me to go home to Justin… tells me… to deal… and I try to smile back, but can’t… try to let him tell me… try to listen… try, try, try…

I think maybe I can.

So I start to drive home… then stop at a bar… and knock back a couple drinks. To help me deal.

And it doesn’t seem so bad. Lost in this in between state of not sober not quite drunk. Doesn’t seem too… bad.

Justin’s ok. Not like he’s sick.

Not like he’s going anywhere.

Not like…

And I finally get home… and Justin’s there… and it races back to me but I try to push it all out of my head. He can’t see me like this…

He’s got all this shit out… he’s lighting candles, and he’s got pillows and food and wine all spread out on the floor… he’s got some romantic idea… got some plan in mind… that we’ll lie here on the floor together… and maybe one day I’ll want that… maybe sometimes I do want that… to be romantic and pull him to me… and kiss him like I never want to kiss anyone else again… but…

Christ Justin.

I just let him go on… and then I cut him off… with my lips… kissing him… not thinking of how I kissed him that night… a long time ago…

Then I feel myself slipping… with him in my arms… and I put on my face… my asshole Brian Kinney face… for Justin… because if I don’t… he’s gonna get me… Brian… and I don’t think he wants to see that… don’t think he needs to see… who I really am… don’t think that anyone… really needs to see… how much I’m hurting right now…

I make some shitty comments… not realizing I’m still holding his hand in mine… until I sit down on the floor… pulling him down with me…

He keeps talking… I wish he would stop… just for a second… it’s always about words with Justin… but I don’t have any…

I need to lose myself now… I want to tell Justin that his timing is wrong… that… maybe another time… maybe… later… maybe when I haven’t just come from sitting in a fucking bar alone drinking thinking and thinking and thinking… and pushing up all the walls I just let Mikey crumble…

Don’t wanna hurt Justin… but either it’s hurt him… or hurt me… right now… and he’s a hell of a lot stronger than me… so…

When he says that word… that fucking word to me… romantic… I feel it snap…  inside… and I suddenly need to keep moving… around and around… because if I fucking stop for one goddamn second… it’s all gonna come crashing down around me…

I tell him… I wanna go out. He tries to get me to stay… but I need to move… I grab the bottle of wine… I stand up… look around… where to go… I want him with me. Tell him… come on… get changed… we’re going out. Need music and lights and drugs and sweat and sex and forgetting… need to move move move move…. can’t stop can’t stop can’t stop… 

He’s disappointed… begging me to stay… doesn’t understand right now… doesn’t get it… but… there’s time, Justin… time… we have time for all of this… please… we have so much time… to spend together… to do all this… please…

I get so desperate… I realize I’ll go by myself… just need to go… go… go… not think about Mikey… not think about Justin almost dieing… not think about… fucking anything… I kiss him… let him know… that whatever… it’s his choice… always his choice…

Oh Christ… I turn my face away from him and go into the bedroom to change… I hear him putting away stuff in the kitchen… I know he can’t see me and I feel my shoulders shaking and I can’t can’t can’t let go… not in front of Justin… can’t can’t can’t let him know that every fucking day I think about how he almost died… and every fucking day I wish I could be who he wants me to be… and every fucking day I fail him… knowing that inside… I really am who he wants…

Can’t let him know those things… it’s much easier to hide… much easier for me… for him… right now…

Just give me time… a little more time…

It’s what we have… nothing but time...

Continue to Faces: Part 3 (Ethan's Story)