Okay… yeah, I know… I came on strong that first time…

But you don’t know me. That’s the way I am. I… I… have nothing to offer but the talent in my fingertips… I have nothing more to give… I don’t have money, or a car, or a fancy place to live… I don’t have a rich family, I don’t have ins at the clubs, I don’t have expensive clothes… I just have one thing… and it’s enough for me…

And when I saw him… that first time… watching me in the theatre… well, I remembered him from before. Saw him in the halls… saw him go into the art room… saw him… remembered… not being able… to take my eyes off him…

But for him to see me… and look at me… like that… those gorgeous blue eyes… that see so much… that say so much… that show so much more than I think he ever realizes… Christ… I wanted to just fuckin’ wrap my arms around him from that first second…

I just… I am cocky… when I’m scared. I am arrogant… when I’m nervous. I am flirtatious… when… my heart starts pounding so fuckin’ hard I think it might just burst out of my chest…

It’s my game face… the bravado I hide behind… because if I let it down… then they’ll see… who I am… a kid so fuckin’ scared of what everyone tells me I’m afraid might be true… that… I’m a genius… it’s not easy… not easy at all… when you’re alone…

And he made me wanna put that face forward… because… if I didn’t… he’d see right through me… see… how much I want to hold him… see how fucking crushed I am that he’s got someone… he’d see that I know that he’s unhappy…

He’d see that. Because he sees so much… 

Okay yeah… it was a fucking fluke that couch just happened to be on it’s way to the dumpster. A fluke that he was there… that I actually had the balls and didn’t think about what I was saying or doing, just told him to come on, come on and he followed me and helped me carry it up to my place… and it was all a fucking fluke.

I mean… Christ… I was trying so hard to think of some goddamn way to talk to him… to keep him from leaving… I start telling him how I feel about music, feeling like an ass… he’s looking at me like I’m some kind of an idiot… then I realize… he’s looking at me like I know… because he tells me that’s how he feels… and he’s so perfect for me… I just want to cry because he’s with someone else.

And I respect that. I mean… okay, yeah, I flirt. But, whatever. I can’t help it. I wanna flirt with him. He gets… embarrassed… in such a good way… he gets… fuck… I’d say any fucking thing in this goddamn world… just to see his smile…

It… fucking kills me… because whenever he talks about this boyfriend of his… he gets… so sad… and I hate to see him like that. I wanna do anything to bring back that smile… to make him… realize how fucking amazing he is… that whatever that boyfriend has taken from him… isn’t permanently gone… just buried somewhere…

I wanna ask so bad… but I can’t… I can’t do that… I never wanna be the one that… comes between… never wanna break up something… that… two people have formed… because… I want it so bad… want it so bad myself… just someone…

And I don’t get it… don’t understand why he won’t talk about this guy… this rich, successful guy… who I think is the luckiest man in the fuckin’ world to have Justin there…

God… could you imagine… falling asleep in his arms every night… waking up to his warm breath on my cheek every fucking morning… spending every waking hour… together…?

Christ… that boyfriend is the luckiest fuckin’ guy. I just hope he knows it.

I keep playing… lost my focus for a minute… but… I keep playing. I know it’s late, but I have to get this piece down. Need to play it a thousand times till it’s so ingrained in my fingers that I don’t have to think about the technical… about the notes… so I can let it flow through me… and I can really play it the way I want…

Then I hear the knocking on the door. “Shit! That was good!” I say it loud enough so the fucking guy at the door can hear me. Doesn’t he recognize good music? Fuck!!! I know it’s the goddamn neighbour from upstairs. So sick of his complaints.

And I’m pissed… got my ‘don’t you fucking mess with me’ face on… ready to yell back…

I pull open the door… and ohmygod…

Justin…

I’m… speechless… suck in a breath… and… hunh… what the fuck was I going to say… uh…

He says he’s sorry… and smiles… and shit… I don’t know what to say or what to do with my hands… I just cross them over my chest and step backwards as he comes towards me… coming in… I don’t ask him what he wants… just… let him in… watch him take off his jacket and I just stand there…

He looks like… fuck… looks like… the fucking world is weighing on his goddamn shoulders… and I can’t stand it… want to see his smile… want to make him happy… want to…

He gets this little lopsided grin… and tells me… he came for his song…

And I’m flustered… how did he know… how could he know… I think of him when I play... that… that… I see his face…

Then I clue in… oh yeah… the art show… right… and realize how fuckin’ close I was to making an ass of myself.

I grab my violin and jump up on the bed… performance mode… get my game face on now… this is Ethan Gold… the genius… I ask him what he wants to hear… thinking of all the hardest pieces I know… thinking of the most challenging piece of music that I can amaze him with…

But instead… he amazes me… and asks for romance…

And I know I can play him… his song…

I try not to watch him while I play… fuck… he thinks he’s not showing it… but… he… looks… so fucking broken… he looks… so… sad… I want to do anything to take that away…  anything…

I close my eyes… and let the music take me… think about how close he is… think about how his eyes are on me… right now…

And then I open them… and I see him… standing up… coming towards me… I keep playing… I don’t know what he wants. Don’t know what to do… and fuck… I’m kind of nervous… scared a little… he comes so close… steps up on the bed and looks into my eyes… and fuck… he looks… so… so…

I stop.

I have to… my fingers are shaking so badly I know I’ll fuck up… I know I’ll drop my violin in about two seconds…

I just… let my hands drop… hold onto the arm of the violin so tightly… looking at him… what does he want me to do… what is he… going to…

I know what I want… but I can’t… I can’t… just…

But he leans towards me… and I lean a little towards him… this has to be his decision… this has to be up to him… I can’t… push him… although fuck I want to so bad… wanna hold him hug him kiss him so bad…

I hold my breath… and his eyes flit around my face… and he’s so close… so close… his lips touch mine… and it’s not a kiss yet… till we both make it one… our mouths closing so slightly… and God… it’s so good… so… electric… it’s what I imagined it’d be like… soft… gentle… warm…

We come apart… and he’s so tentative… I know he’s thinking about his boyfriend… this guy that seems to make him so unhappy… this guy that I am sure drove him to come here… made him so upset that he came here… to see me…

But God… his touch… now that I know… I crave it… I need it… my cock is straining in my pants… I can’t breathe… try to suck in a breath… it comes shuddering out of my throat… and I can’t stand it… need it… need him… I lean towards him a little… want him to forget everything… just focus on this… on now… we’ll deal with everything else later… just… now…

Our noses push together, then our foreheads and I drop my bow so I can wrap my fingers behind his neck, just to feel his soft skin… the downy hair on the back of his neck… that I’ve craved to touch since I first saw him…

And we kiss again… passionate… hungry… sucking on lips and mouths… can’t get enough… I want more, more, more… he pulls me down to the bed… and I remember I’m still holding my violin…

I need a second… I think we both do… I want to let him think… want to let him… have a chance to stop now… if he wants… if he needs to change his mind…

I put my violin down on the floor… off the bed… away…

And look back at him… what do I see… wanna make sure… that he’s okay… with whatever we do… whatever happens… right now…

He looks scared… so scared… I don’t know why, but I give in to what I want… and unzip his sweater… pushing my hands inside… touching his skin… running my hands up his chest and taking his face in my hands… I just look at him… so beautiful… so… scared… and I wonder what happened to make him like this… why he loves this other man so much… I see it in his eyes… I know he doesn’t love me… know he doesn’t want me as much as I want him… know that he’s only here for right now… but fuck…

I’ll take right now.

It’s better than never. Better than never knowing. Better than dreaming of it… better than imagining…

I think…

His eyes leave mine and I pull him to me… kissing him again… and he responds to me… greedily… wanting, I think, the physical more than anything… pushing the emotional away… but I can’t do that… sex and love are wrapped up together… and I bring him down to the bed with me… lie down on the pillows and we roll around together… holding on, holding on, holding on… kissing and kissing… and we pull our clothes off… and stop…

I knew this would happen… knew that… knew that… there would be… indecision… at this point…

I want anything he’ll let me have. I’ll fuck him. He can fuck me. I’ll blow him, give him a hand job, rim him… just kiss him. Anything. Nothing. Everything.

Whatever he wants…

He looks at me… and I know… what he wants… his hands just give me the tiniest push… over… and I eagerly roll onto my side… haven’t had anyone… like this… haven’t had this… since I left… my boyfriend… and I only want it… from someone I trust… and care for… and I care for Justin so much… and I trust Justin so much…

The first push inside me… hurts… I knew it would… I try not to show it… try to hold it in… but can’t… sucking in air as he starts to enter me… but then… his lips on me… his soft touch around me… my desire to have him so close…

Everything is forgotten… and he fills me… and it feels so amazing… so good… like I haven’t felt… for so long… and… I want this always… want him inside me… want him so fucking… close to me… want him… need this…

But I can’t hope for more than this… can’t expect more than one night… I think…

I shouldn’t, anyway… know I shouldn’t…

I focus on the pleasure… don’t think about tomorrow… or the next day…

Oh God oh God oh God oh God… he’s brushing against me inside… all the right places… knowing… how to make me feel so good… and I squeeze his fingers in mine… so he knows… he’s here with me… I push back on him, wanting more and more and more… wanting the impossible… wanting…

I hear little moans escape his throat and I know he’s lost in me… not thinking about the other… his breath on my neck is more sensual than anything… soft and warm… and his movements inside me are more deliberate… and soon… so soon… so fast… I know I’ll cum…

He senses it… his fingers touch my cock and it’s too much… so much… but I beg for more, more, more… and I can’t help it but cum… hard… God… so hard… so long… so much… more… than I can remember for so long… I gasp for air… my heart rushing in my ears… I can’t speak… just want to know… he feels… it…

His hand on my cock still… fingers slippery with my cum… and it’s still so much… so much… and he pushes in me hard… I squeeze my eyes shut, stars beneath my eyelids… and I feel the hard thrusts inside as he pushes and pushes… then a burst of hot air on my neck… like he’d been holding his breath… and his mouth is in my hair… letting it go… go… go…

I need to kiss him… need more… he’s still inside me… still holding me… but I twist out of his grasp… rolling on top of him, covering him with my mouth… licking and kissing at his chest… he looks so worried, so guilty… but he did nothing wrong… he can’t feel this way… I won’t let him…

I tell him it’s okay… I don’t know if he believes me… but he’s so still… his thoughts apparent on his face… everything… but I don’t look… let him have his private thoughts to himself.

I just want him to know I’m here. I’m here. And…

I’ll wait…