I hate him....

I fucking hate him...

I mean... I love him... I’ll always love Brian Kinney...

But I fucking hate him...

He... just...

Fuck...

I drop the duffle bag filled with my shit from the loft on Ethan’s couch and lie down on his bed... he’s not here... out making some money playing his violin on the street corner... he gave me his key and told me he’d get a copy this afternoon... for me...

I roll on my stomach and bury my face in his pillows. Close my eyes... I don’t want to think about where I am... why I’m here...

Where I’m not... anymore...

Take deep breath... and don’t think about... him... don’t think about... don’t... remember... don’t... try... to... to...

Christ... this is wrong... I shouldn’t think about Brian...

But...

I also can’t just... forget...

Everything... my life... with Brian...

God... I... wish it could’ve worked... I wish... it could’ve... been...

Different...

But Brian... fucked it up...

And I hate myself... for believing that’s the truth...

Because... I fucked it up even more...

For expecting things I knew would never come...

For wanting things I knew I’d never get...

For seeing too much... for reading too much... into everything... into nothing...

Into whatever-the-fuck we just had...

But... me loving him wasn’t enough... not enough for both of us...

And now I have Ethan... that loves me... I know he loves me... I know it... and... I know I can love him...

Just...

I wish... that... it was the same... maybe just... a little close to the same... maybe... just...

Shit...

I wish that my first fuck... wasn’t... the best fuck... I’ll ever have... in my whole life...

Ethan holds me... and makes love to me...

But Brian...

Brian...

Makes me crazy... makes me... Christ... feel...

Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it...

Forget the way his lips felt... pressed against mine...

Forget the way his fingers... explored every inch of my body...

Forget the way he would always pleasure me first... drop me into depths of ecstasy I never imagined possible...

Forget the way he smelled... clean and warm and always good...

Forget the way he laughed... little crinkles in the corners of his eyes and that ear-to-ear grin...

Forget the way... he looked at me sometimes... really looked at me... like he wanted to say something... do something... I know he’d never do...

Forget the way... we became one... became partners... best friends and lovers and everything...

Forget the trust I felt in him... forget...

Forget...

Everything...

I can forget... in time... I’ll forget... the memory of his kisses... the gentle pressure of his touch... the way he could make me feel... so... good... so... safe... so... wanted... chosen...

All that... will fade... it’ll... fade... away...

It has to... I can’t... can’t... can’t...

Don’t think about it... don’t think about him anymore.

I made a choice...

To be with Ethan.

But... why did Brian let me love him... let me... fall so fucking hard... over and over and over...

What did he want? What did he expect?

I’ll never know now. Never... know...

It’s over. Over. Over.

Over.

Oh God... what have I done?

I did what I had to do... I had to...

Fuck...

I know I’ll miss him...

The last two years of my life... the most important two years of my whole fucking life... were filled with him... me wanting him, me chasing him, me fighting with him, me living with him, me loving him... more than anything... ever...

And now... he’s gone. Outta here. Not in my life anymore.

He knows me better than anyone else ever could... ever will...

It’s like... there’s a little part of him... inside me... and... now it’s just been ripped out... and...

I’m empty inside.

Ethan fills that... a little... but... it’s different...

I dreamt of Brian last night... while I lay in this other man’s bed... I dreamt of Brian’s arms around me... holding me close... whispering into my ear... I dreamt of him sliding into me... his long cock filling me up... and... his lips on my shoulder... kissing me...

And... I woke up...

And realized... that...

That...

I’ll never have that... again...

I’ll never... have things to share with him... I’ll never be a part of his life... I’ll never, ever feel his lips on mine or his cock in my ass and oh, God...

Oh... God...

It’s hard... it’s so fucking hard... it’s harder than anything I’ve ever had to do...

Cut myself free...

Release myself...

Release Brian...

From... something... that... I let him convince me... 

Was never going to work.

We tried.

No... I tried. He didn’t want to try. He didn’t want me enough... to fight for me... didn’t want me enough... to... break his own rules... cross his own boundaries... to... just... fucking... tell... me... that... he’d care if I left.

I can only let myself believe... it’s because he wouldn’t care... doesn’t care... that I left. That... it’s want he wanted... that... I’m just another trick... just... a little blip in his life... and...

Nothing more...

Maybe... in time...

I’ll believe that...

Maybe... in time...

My conviction... my real belief that... there was a chance... a hope... that... there could be more...

Maybe... in time...

That’ll all fade away...

Until then... I’m left with... a hole in my heart... a piece of me missing... a... best friend lost... a lover... gone... and I’m filled with a burning anger inside... a terrible false hatred of him... because... I... don’t know how else to feel... how else... I can feel... how else to try and make this make sense...

All this... the pain and the love and the rage... will fade away...

Fade away to nothing... nothing more than a memory...

Fade away... to what it really was... to what I need it to be...

Fade away...

BRIAN’S POV

Doesn’t matter doesn’t matter doesn’t matter doesn’t matter doesn’t matter doesn’t matter doesn’t matter doesn’t matter doesn’t matter....

Doesn’t...

I don’t care...

Don’t care that his shit is gone...

That there’s an empty drawer and bare hangers in the closet...

Don’t care that the stack of art books in the living room has disappeared...

That there’s an empty spot in the toothbrush holder...

Don’t care that his paintings are gone...

That there’s an empty space where his jacket used to hang...

I don’t care...

Couldn’t give a shit.

Didn’t want it. Didn’t want someone else here. Never the next morning... definitely not every single one...

Don’t want it... don’t wanna do this... didn’t wanna...

Fuck...

Christ...

Oh my God...

Pull it together. I can do this.

I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care.

If I say it enough, it becomes true.

It is true.

I... don’t... care...

Besides... he’s better off... better off without me... without my shit... without... the... pain... I just found out he was in...

If he had told me earlier... would I have changed?

Would it have mattered?

Really...?

I finish my silent inventory of everything that he’s taken, and fall on to the couch, tossing the crumpled up drawing to the floor. Don’t want to look at that. Don’t want that hanging around... taunting me... reminding me...

It’s too fucking quiet. Like when he’d gone to Vermont. The same. Empty. Totally fucking empty.

He’s gone.

Gone.

For good.

To be with that kid... that he should be with...

He doesn’t need me anymore.

He... doesn’t... want me... anymore...

It’s okay... I never wanted him to love me. I never wanted to love him. I never wanted any of this... and fuck, good thing, because it’s gone now.

I laugh quietly.

Can’t lie to yourself, Brian... I almost want to say it out loud. Wanna hear the words... wanna hear the echo in the loft.

Wanna hear...

That he’s...

Gone.

Gone.

Gone.

For good.

Without a word... without an explanation... without a fucking goodbye, thanks a lot, see ya around, I hate you, I love you, I’m bored, I’m sorry, I don’t wanna share you, I’m still your friend, I never want to see you...

Nothing... not... a fucking... word...

Maybe somehow I thought he’d be here still... sitting at his computer and full of apologies for not coming home last night...

But... who am I kidding... I knew last night... as the clock slipped to 4:00 a.m. and it started to get light out...

I knew... really knew...

Big sigh. Suck in air. Push it out. Suck in another breath. Push it out.

I can do this.

What was it anyway? A fuck. Nothing but a fuck.

(Oh God oh God oh God oh God... holding his lifeless body in my arms and I screamed his name over and over and over and I sat in the hallway of the hospital crumpled into a ball crying and not imagining what it would like to never see him again and now I know I know I know... ... ...)

I can’t breathe anymore... my throat closed tight... and I squeeze my eyes shut and claw at my throat until a gasp escapes my lips... and... and...

NO! NO! I will not do this... NO! NO! I cannot do this...

I hide my face in my hands... and... focus on pulling air into my lungs... focus on swallowing past the constriction in my throat... and... listening to the quiet... and... knowing that it’s over... my longest nightmare ever that turned into a dream come true...

Over now.

Over.

Good. Good. Good.

This Ethan... loves him. He loves Justin like Justin deserves to be loved. He’ll fucking worship Justin. Put him so fucking high up on a pedestal and play his goddamn violin to him... treat him to picnics and walks in the park and flowers every fucking day and Justin can turn into the fucking homo housewife that I never wanted but maybe that’s who he wants to be...

Who the fuck am I kidding...

Justin doesn’t want that.

All he wants is someone... that isn’t me.

All he wants... is...

Not me.

But... I told him... what I could... I told him... that... he could always be here... I told him I wanted him here... I told him... I... I did...

Didn’t I?

I told him...

I told him... I wanted him safe... I told him I wanted him around for a long time... I told him when I came home that I wanted to come home to him... I told him... everything I could possibly tell him...

And it wasn’t enough...

Not enough...

For him...

And it was almost too much...

For me...

I struggle with the words... struggle to remember exactly the moment... that... I fell onto one side and lost the other... try to remember... exactly when it was... that he stopped loving me...

But... all the moments... fade into one another... fade... into... this one solid ball... of... regret I feel in my stomach...

I know we weren’t supposed to work. It couldn’t fucking work. What was I? Fucking crazy? To imagine that he would want to live my fucked up life with me?

Stupid, stupid, stupid... I left the door so fucking wide open... making sure that what I wanted could always come in... but never seeing... what was walking out...

It’s ok... I still have my life... still have... what... I need...

All... I... need...

Myself.

I wouldn’t change for love... and I won’t change now...

Doesn’t matter doesn’t matter doesn’t matter...

Fuck...

Yes it does.                                                                                                                                                         

(...later on...at the loft... Brian lies under the pale blue lights and waits...)

This is wrong...

So... fucking wrong...

There isn’t even a word... for... what I’m doing... why... I feel... like...

I want to... I need to... I... have... to...

There couldn’t be... a... name for... how... fucking... crazy... fucked up... insane this is...

How... much... it hurts... and... how much... I want to make it hurt...

I so badly want to remember him... so badly need to forget him...

Torn between wanting to have it again... just one more time... and wanting to push all thoughts of him from my mind forever...

Trying to figure out... exactly... what it was about him... about... Justin... that... that...

Made me... ... made... me... made... ... me... ...

What?

Made me... Christ... made me feel like this... feel like maybe I... I really... fucking loved him...

So that I’ll know... to avoid it again...

So I’ll know... how to spot it from far away... I’ll know not to pick up that trick...

Not to look for a blond one or a young one or one with a wicked smile...

Not to look for a virgin... not to look for a cocky smart ass... not to look for...

Someone like him...

Ha... what a fool I am...

To imagine... that there could ever... fucking... ever... be another... like him...

I hear the knock on the door and I climb out of bed... slide open the door...

Want to see this trick’s face... but then don’t want to... he starts to speak and I glance at him... cut him off... invite him in... pay him...

Pay him for... his... silence... more than anything else...

He climbs up the stairs... undressing... knowing me, I’m sure... knowing why he’s here... I’m sure...

Lies down on my bed like it’s ours again... and... I strip off my pants... climb into bed beside him... like so many nights... so many mornings... so many memories that I fucking wish would go away forever...

Make it go away... make it all go away...

I stare at him... just for a minute... wonder what’s different... knowing that it’s everything...

He looks back... a little nervously... I realize I’m looking at him so intensely... trying to find something that’s the same... but trying to ignore everything that is...

He leans in to kiss me, but I don’t want that... it’s... too fucked up... too... fucking wrong... too... crazy... makes this even worse than it already is... and I haven’t kissed anyone but Mikey... since Justin left...

I guide him to his stomach and tell him to roll over... so I can’t see his face... just his thick blond hair... smooth pale skin... 

It stuns me... how badly... I wish... this... was... I pretend for a second... let my fingers... play in his hair... indulge for... just a moment... touch his back... skim... just across the surface... lose the focus in my eyes... and... just... pretend...

Pretend what..? That I didn’t fuck up, that I didn’t push him away, that I told him what I should’ve told him, and that he was here and never left..? Can’t pretend that... can’t... have that... ever again...

Game over...

These thoughts are making my dick soft and I reach for a condom... I know I could stare at this boy forever... stroking his skin... watching the rise and fall of his back as he drifts off to sleep...

But...

But... nothing...

I roll the condom on my dick... climb onto his back... leaning my forehead into the dip in his shoulder blades... wanting to apologize for everything... to him... to Justin... to myself... for... fucking up... and then trying to make it right... by doing something... as wrong as this...

So wrong...

So wrong...

Christ... I start to push my dick into him... and close my eyes... hoping that... this part will somehow be the same... but...

He’s tense... and too tight... like Justin... never was...

He’s... groaning... and... pulling away from me... like... Justin... never did...

He sounds different, breathes different, smells different... feels different inside...

I reach for his hand... but it isn’t there... I wonder when I’ll feel his fingers brush across my face... but they don’t come... I wait to hear my name slip from between his lips as I push into him... but... I never hear it... 

I miss him... I want him... I want Justin... I want the closeness, the familiarity, the sense of... partnership and... oneness... most of all the trust... and... the love... we shared... the silent love... we shared...

Gone now...

Fading away... fading... into my thoughts... into... my dreams... into the corner of my soul... I rarely go...

Christ... this is wrong... so... fucking wrong... I finish quickly, bursting with an unsatisfying orgasm, and roll off him... I don’t care if he’s done or not... don’t care... about anything... I strip off the condom and trash it... he rolls onto his side... apologizing for cumming on the sheets...

I roll away from him... and tell him to leave...

He’s a trick... nothing more... than... a trick...

I’ll never do this again. Never pretend again. I’ll fuck every goddamn queer in Pittsburgh until I forget how it was... with... how... it could... be... I’ll overwrite each touch, each feeling, each sense... with someone else... someone... else...

I wait until I hear the door slide shut and I stumble out of bed and lean over the toilet, retching... puking up everything inside of me... I feel sick... like... a fucking sick bastard... and... by trying to make everything less than it is... somehow instead it all became so screamingly apparent...

The things I thought didn’t matter before... suddenly do...

The empty drawer... the bare hangers... the extra slot... in the toothbrush holder...

It all fucking matters... more than I ever knew...

There are some things... I know will never fade away...