I unpack the computer, setting it up precariously on a wobbly table in Ethan’s apartment. Probably not the best idea, but Brian’s right... I need this computer... I need it for school, and I definitely need it if I’m going to work on Rage with Michael.

Which I am. I will. I’ll go by the comic store tonight. And... I know he’ll listen to me. Michael has always been a pushover. We’d be crazy not to pursue it anyway. Neither one of us can afford to throw this opportunity away.

I look inside the computer box and smile inside at how anal Brian is... each small piece wrapped back up in it’s plastic... I pull out the tablet... and unwrap it from it’s protective sheet. Looking at all this stuff, familiar things... from my life before... makes me feel... kind of like... my throat is tightening... and I think about... how... it’s kind of funny that... I thought I would hate him forever... and now... just a few days later...

Well... he’s not so bad...

Not so bad as a friend...

We could be friends... could be... friends...

I think...

I know...

No matter what... I love him... and... he’s witty and fun and makes me laugh... and... he’s so fucking smart... he gives the best advice... he helps you see things in a totally different way... and... he’s honest... and...

He’s a good friend. We could be friends.

I want to be friends. We’re part of the same family... we’ll see each other all the time... and... it’s so hard not to be... friends...

So... I let him pay my tuition. I mean... okay, I need him to pay it. I don’t wanna fuck up this chance for school... it’s way too important. More important than my ego, my values, or my sense of pride.

The visit to my fucking dad proved that. I went to see him... against my better judgment... and ended up hating him more than I ever did before.

But at least now I know where I stand with him.

At least I know for sure now... that no matter what... no matter how much I love him because he’s my father...

I’ll never be the son that he wants.

Kind of the same way... I figured out that... no matter what... no matter how much I love Brian...

I’ll never be the lover he wants...

Someone to fuck around with... someone to be there when he wants someone there... someone to fuck off when he doesn’t want anyone there... when he wants to be with someone else...

No... I can’t do that.

But... I think I could be his friend.

It’s not like... he’s really the superhero Rage with magnetic vision that’ll... pull my ass... to his cock... and...

I laugh to myself...

No... not like I can’t withstand the charms of Brian Kinney. I think I’m immune to that, by now.

But... I will admit... when... I set foot in the loft again... it felt so much more like home than Ethan’s place does...

And I will admit... that... seeing Brian sitting there... all alone... barefoot... and familiar... watching his favorite movie... the one he’d put on when we’d get really stoned and lie on the floor, tangled up in each other’s legs and arms... on pillows strewn across the carpet... running our fingers... absentmindedly... across... each other’s bodies... as we watched the images cross the screen... and he’d whisper the words to me...

I wanted to pull him to the rug... and wrap up in his arms again... and... pretend... that...

I was safe with him again... and that... everything was... like... it was... like it was... before...

No.

Can’t wish that.

I have Ethan... and it’s so easy... so fucking easy to be with him... he kisses me hello... kisses me goodbye... holds my hand and wraps his arm around my waist... proclaiming to everyone... that I’m his...

That I belong to him now.

But. I can still have friends.

I can still be Brian’s friend.

I think I’d like that.

I turn on the computer and check to make sure all the files are still there... opening up my Rage folder... scanning through the dozens of sketches I’d done... trying not to stop... but... then finding one... the pretend me... lying in the pretend Brian’s bed... and... I stare at it for a minute... thankful that Ethan isn’t home... so I can indulge myself... a little...

Wondering... how hard it’s going to be... to... draw like this again... draw... the two of them together... which always in my mind... represented... the two of us... that... now are no more...

We’ll just have to change the story.

Stories change. People change. Lives change. That’s why I’m here. And not there.

Why I’m with Ethan. And not with Brian. Because I’m brave... and... looking out for myself... and... because... Ethan loves me... and Brian never would.

I check my watch and flick off the computer... almost time to go see Ethan... he was meeting with one of his teachers for some additional instruction before the Hiefitz competition... and I promised to pick him up and go for coffee... before we came home...

But first... I need to swallow my pride once again... and do what I think I know Brian wants me to do... and... see Michael... I admit I’ve been thinking about the comic... and I have a couple ideas... and... it was fun... and... I did like seeing my name on that inside page... “Art by Justin Taylor”... that’s pretty fucking cool...

So... off to make nice. Off to... rebuild what I can... of my life before and make a new life for myself today.

BRIAN’S POV

I always thought I had a lot of friends.

Then I realized that I just knew a lot of people.

A lot of people.

When I have a party... I invite hundreds... they all want to come... all... want to be there... for the fun... to be part of it... the homos, the heteros, the business associates, the gym buddies, the boys from Babylon, the men I’ve fucked...

But...

Right now...

I need a friend... someone... just to fucking talk to... or not talk to... just be here and help me not think about shit that I don’t want to think about...

And... I think I’m beginning to realize... that...

I don’t really have that many.

Guess I never really needed a friend before.

No... that’s not true... I’ve always needed a friend... it’s just that... I’ve always had one around... that’s needed me more... and now...

They don’t seem to need me anymore.

Lindsay and Mel are still pissed at me for the fucking fiasco at their anniversary party... and besides, all Lindsay can say, over and over and over... is talk to him... talk to Justin.  

No.

Emmett and Ted are so fucking disgustingly in love... Jesus Christ, I can’t even look at it... they’re pretending to be something they’re not... never will be... and...

Even Mikey doesn’t need me anymore... he has Ben... and... they want to stay home and be together... and not be with me...

But Mikey is the only one... that loves me... enough... to put up with my shit... and keep loving me... and I know I can tease him and taunt him... and make him want me more... it’s fucked up and cruel... I know... but... he makes me feel... loved...

And I think I need to feel like that right now... by someone that matters...

Need to try and somehow fill that fucking gap... that I realize... Justin always filled to overflowing... making me always feel loved... and... needed... and... wanted...

‘Cause I sure as fuck don’t feel like that any more.

Christ... I spin around at Babylon... searching for a familiar face... but all I see are familiar fucks... I pull out my phone and call Mikey’s cell... I hear every word he says perfectly clear... though I pretend not to...

“I said, I can’t... I’ve gotta go home... home... and if I’m lucky, he’ll be there,” he yells through the earpiece.

But all I hear is... I don’t want to be with you... I don’t have time for you... you’re on your own...

Maybe he’s not really saying those things... but those are the words that make their way into my brain...

I hang up on him – being with him is no comparison to being with Justin anyway – and I lose myself in the music... dreaming that it’s two years ago... and I’m pulling that trick into the backroom so he can suck my dick... and I’m dreaming that he was better or that I decided to fuck him... or that I told Mikey to hitch a ride with Ted because I was staying... and then...

Maybe by the time I came out... that golden boy would’ve left... passed by... been picked up by someone else...

Though I know... that what I really want to imagine... is that I’d actually fucking tried... just listened... just stayed home one goddamn night... not made him play my fucked up games... and that I’d just... done something right so that... he wouldn’t have had to look for it somewhere else... so that... he’d be dancing here with me right now... his tight, round ass pressing into my crotch... his soft blond hair brushing against my neck... his fingers entwined in mine as we moved together like one... and... anticipated the fucking we’d do when we got home...

To our home...

To the place I don’t really like being anymore...

Alone or with someone else...

It’s all changed... fucking changed...

Everyone has changed... the world spinning around me so fucking fast... and it’s like Babylon is somewhere new... without him... and the loft is somewhere new... without him... and everything is different...

Everything is different... except me...

But when everyone else was changing... I felt myself changing too... felt myself... wanting to be with just this one person... felt myself... caring for just this one person... felt myself... liking being with him... being with... just this one person...

And... I stopped it. Dead. In. Its. Tracks.

I refused to change. Did stupid shit. Spouted back my mantra. No apologies. No regrets. And that’s who the fuck I am and who the fuck I always will be.

Bullshit.

I’m not that person any more. Somehow... I... don’t know when it happened...

But... somewhere along the line... I changed.

Just a little...

The old Brian wouldn’t be thinking this...

The old Brian wouldn’t be... kidnapping Mikey just so I wouldn’t have to spend another fucking night alone...

The old Brian wouldn’t be... fucking a trick... and imagining... I was... fucking... someone else...

The old Brian wouldn’t be... dancing alone at Babylon... desperately needing to be with someone... but knowing that there was no one here that could satisfy the desire that burns inside me right now... quench the insatiable thirst that just keeps building and building and building...

Not one of them.

And I can keep fucking them... and I can keep buzzing around and harassing my friends and getting my dick sucked and looking for things to do to pass the time...

But it’s not going to change the fact... that... I’m not the same goddam fucker I’ve always been.

Why the FUCK is that so apparent to me now... why the FUCK do I care about all this shit now... why the FUCK does everything matter now...

Why couldn’t all this have happened... two months ago...? When he was still here... with me... in my arms and in my life...

Too late now...

When Justin came by the loft tonight... like I knew he would eventually... once he found out about the tuition...

It was nice to have him there... even if...

We weren’t fucking...

And it made me realize that... there was a lot more of Justin that I missed...

I’ll admit... I paid for his tuition – yes, to help him – but... selfishly... so that I could stay part of his life...

So I would know that he was okay... so that... even if we weren’t fucking anymore... I could still look after him a little bit... in my own way...

So he’d know I was keeping up my part of the deal... even if...

Fuck that... don’t think about all the things you can do now... other deals that have been broken... by other people... the rules... that... don’t matter anymore... but somehow still rattle around in your head... don’t think about how... somehow... you just can’t do those things... you were once... asked not to do... fuck that shit... and don’t think about that now...

But... Christ, as much as I want to... I can’t just turn my back on two years... can’t just forget... can’t just pretend...

Tried that...

Didn’t work...

I don’t care about that fucking break up shit... we weren’t... in a real, capital "R", quote - unquote, relationship... not really... so... we can’t break up. We’re just not fucking any more. That’s it.

Doesn’t mean that... we have to stop seeing each other. I want to see him. I think maybe I need to see him.

Maybe that’ll make it easier...

And I won’t have to let go of... all the other things I like about him...

His little wisecracks... 

His talent...

His sensitivity... and generosity...

His... smile...

He was more than just a fuck... he was a friend... even... my partner... and I don’t think I’m ready to give that part up so easily. Don’t think either one of us has a choice to give that part up so easily.

And besides... I want he and Mikey to work together and build on what they’ve started... and... I want to watch him finish school... and become successful, like I know he will... I want to just know that he’s there... and that I can talk to him...

Because he’s good to talk to...

I think I can try that... I think... maybe... that’s the one thing I can do.

I stop spinning around in the lights of Babylon... and slowly weave off the dance floor... pop some more pills into my mouth... to stop all these thoughts roaming through my brain... head towards the backroom... looking at the faces of lust... hearing the moans of ecstasy... going into auto-pilot... looking for a quick suck or a tight fuck... walking deeper into the dark room... venturing into smaller rooms... scoping... looking... feel a hand on my shoulder and turn... not interested... keep going... searching... wanting to find... something...

And end up back at the bar... stunned... dick still in my pants... semi-soft... not interested...

Knowing what I’m looking for... I won’t find...

Knowing that I could fuck every single ass in here... and... not find... it...

Knowing that... there’s not much left for me here... anymore...

Knowing that... he changed me... and... I’m left with who I am now... left with... what he made me...

And that I’m left here... all alone...