I pull off my shirt… laughing… I knew it would be okay. I knew that Brian would let me make my mistakes then come back to him. Let me borrow the money. But… I didn’t want to assume.

I climb into bed beside him… rambling about interest, and repaying him… I’m serious… I don’t want to rely on him… not for anything… and especially not for money… and really…well… I do. And I fucking hate it. I live under his roof… I sleep in his bed… I eat his food… he buys me drinks and pays for my cover at bars… he bought me a fucking grossly expensive computer… he buys me clothes and art supplies and his cleaning lady does my laundry… and fuck… the more I try to ignore it… the more apparent it is… I’m worse than a child to him… I’ve invaded his life… I mean these words I’m saying to him… I’m serious about paying him back… he’ll see…

But now… he just plays along with me… not listening… just thinking about the sex we’re about to have, I guess. He pushes me on the chest and I fall to the bed… he’s hovering over me… fuck…like he does… and asks me what made me change my mind…

Like I’ll tell him the truth… that I tried to make it on my own and I failed. That I realized that I need him more than I can ever imagine… that I was almost fucking raped and I never ever ever want to be in that place… in my life… again… never ever ever…

But I just give him back his own words… about needing to know when to ask for help… I should’ve known before the party, before I even set foot on the bar, before I let Gary suck my cock… but, fuck… I guess I just needed to make those mistakes. And learn a little about myself in the process. And learn a lot about Brian.

I hurt him. I know I did. I saw the look on his face… the whole time… watching me make a fool out of myself dancing at that fucking club… watching me snort fucking shit up my nose… confronting me about how I got to dance on the bar… and I blew him off… I told him to mind his own business… told him to fuck off… told him he wasn’t my father…

I can be such a prick.

Fuck.

But now we’re here… and he just dips his head a little at my words… I can tell he’s pleased… he knows he taught me something… that I listened to him… he smiles and it’s so fucking cute I just have to kiss him and kiss him… I roll on top of him… and start to slide my pants down over my ass… my cock is so goddamn hard… and he reaches for a condom… and…

I’m lying on him… staring down at him for that second… he’s tired I can tell… wants to sleep… but needs to fuck before he can close his eyes…

Shit… can I?

He’s fumbling with the wrapper and I just pull it from his fingers… not too late to back down… fuck… I know what I want… I know… I know… what I can give… I know that he… wants it… I know that… I can…

His eyes on mine… not seeing… I lean in close… he thinks I’m going to ask… but I don’t… instead… instead…

I tear open the wrapper with my teeth… pull it open… and kiss him…

He knows… but plays dumb… looks at me like he doesn’t…

I put my hand on his shoulder… so there’s no confusion… I push him just a little… then more roughly… he doesn’t take his eyes off mine…

Justin… I can fucking hear him… warning me… he doesn’t say a word, but I feel like I can read his goddamn mind…

Brian…I stare at him… I hope he understands… get it Brian… Trust me… trust me trust me trust me trust me…

I can’t use words. Can’t speak… can’t acknowledge… can’t can’t can’t… I just do what I want… and he’ll let me know… he’ll stop me… if he wants me to stop…

I kiss him softly… he knows… and he rolls on to his stomach… curling a pillow under his head… holding on… holding on… to God only knows what…

His eyes are closed… they always are… I don’t know what he thinks about… where he goes… I know he’s so fucking aware of me… and I love it… love it love it love him love it… before me… I don’t know how long… but…

He never goes easily… never lets me do what I want without a struggle… a silent battle… why I don’t know… I just know I want to… give him what I want to give him… but he won’t take it easily… but now… he’s… a little… more… I don’t know… he wants it. I know that. He wants it.

I can’t help but rush… I’ve got a grin on my face and it won’t go away…

He’s slow… his movements steady… he gets ready… he knows what I’m like… how it’ll feel… how I’ll react… knows everything…

I know too and I can’t wait… I die to get my cock in him… not because… well, yeah… okay… I love fucking… love love love fucking… but that’s not why…

It’s how much he loves it.

How much he needs it.

How much he’ll never admit it.

Makes me want to… all the time… and…

I roll the condom on my dick quickly… and slide on his back… oh fuck… I put my cock at his hole… push it in just… uh… just a bit… oh Christ… I can feel him… waiting for me… waiting for me… wanting me… I put my hands on his hips… and… and… oh… fuck… push myself in…oh… oh… yeah… and… I kiss him and kiss him… on the back of his neck… and I go as slow as I can because I know that’s the way he wants it… climbing up his back… as my cock fills him… he’s so tight… and… God… I feel him… all around me…

He lifts his head… and I push inside more… and I just so deliberately move my hips… and I know when I’ve got him… he gasps... just a tiny bit… and it’s so good… Christ… just to see the look on his face… the look of… absolute and complete pleasure… and to know I’m inside him… covering him, holding him, fucking making him zone out and just enjoy… letting him… just take it take it take it from me… take what I want to give him…

He lets his head drop and he holds on tight… his hands pushed under the pillow beneath his head… he exhales… slowly… through his nose… a quiet moan escapes his throat… I touch him lightly… my fingers at his sides… and I slip my hands beneath him… holding him… holding him… so tight tight tight… I rest my cheek on his back and just start the slow… fucking… not too much… I know he doesn’t want too much… just… slow… just a rise and fall of my hips… he follows me… a little… but lets me slide my dick in and out of his hole… fuck… fuck fuck fuck… goddammit it’s so good I can’t stand it… with my ear pressed to his back, I hear his heart pounding in his chest and I know know know what he’s feeling… Christ… cumming from being fucked… can be… so… long… and wonderful… and drawn out… just different… and that’s why I wanted… needed… to be…

Here.

I want to tell him I love him.

I want to tell him I trust him.

I want… I want… I want… I need this…

It’s not the first time… the first time we’ve been together like this… the first time I’ve fucked him… but…

It’s the first time I assumed… that I could… that I had the right… that I didn’t have to ask… that he would let me…

But Brian has to learn… that if he wants me to trust him… he has to trust me back…

Before… I’ve always asked first… always whispered to him… but this time… I needed to give him something… the thing he doesn’t know how to ask for…

Asking… for me… it’s not hard… not at all… but then… Brian is the only one… that fucks me… the only one I ask… the only one that has ever… I love him fucking me… solid, long strokes in and out of my hole… each one teasing me… filling me with sensation all over… feeling full and warm and covered and getting that delicious buzz all through me… shit, I’m not afraid to ask. In fact I demand it. Fuck me, I tell him. Fuck me fuck me fuck me…

But one night… not too long ago… I told him… whispered in his ear… Brian I want to fuck you fuck you fuck you… I wanna cum in you hold you to me… I wanna give you what you need… what you want… let me… trust me trust me trust me… I whispered a million things in his ear… telling him everything… asking… please… let me… give you… and… he did… and it was amazing… fucking… everything I wanted… everything I needed to give to him… and I understood so much more… and I trusted him so much more… and I just felt so fucking close to him… and just more more more…

I came so fucking fast that night… but so did he… he’d been waiting a long… long time… and…

There’ve been a few more times since then… but every time… I’ve whispered those words first… he hasn’t let me every time… but… it’s just part of who we are becoming together. Part of the things we do… and when he lets me in… I fucking love it so much… but tonight… I wanted… to… dunno… wanted to give it to him… without asking. Take it to another level… everything to another level. His lending me the money for school… supporting me like that… it’s a role that… fuck… someone who loves you takes. And he’s taken it. And it’s not lost on me.

Christ… I squeeze him to me… holding him so close… I love it… so close… and this feels just so goddamn good… his skin is getting damp under my cheek… he’s getting that hot and tingly feeling that I know and love so much… that warmth that a cock up your ass gives you… fucking struggle with it and love it… and want it inside… Jesus… I know know know that… but it’s my cock in him… the very fucking thought sends me spinning… he’s breathing so hard… trying to keep the moans in his throat, but not succeeding… and I’m drunk on the feeling of fucking making him lose it… shit… I just have to hold on… and breathe… I feel his hips beneath mine… as I slowly ride him… fuck… the pressure on my dick… how… he… can still… fucking… make me wanna… cry… with pleasure… I don’t… hunh… no no no no no… can’t cum can’t cum can’t cum…

I pull myself up a bit farther and push in just the tiniest bit deeper… he lets go of a long breath… I know he’s in the right place… his ass tightens on my cock suddenly… and he’s… shit… I can’t breathe… he’s fuckin’ pushing back on me hard… leading the way… and I slide my hands from beneath him… prop myself up a bit… he opens his legs wide wide wide and I lie between them… leveraging myself on my knees to go deeper, deeper, deeper in him… letting me fuck him as slowly as he wants… but ready to pound harder when he needs it…

His hands slide over mine and he holds me to the bed… taking away any hope that I might’ve had to stroke his cock… he doesn’t need that… doesn’t want that… wants it… like this…

God… I can fucking feel the slow burn in him… he squeezes me inside him… again… and again… and again… ooohhhh… fuck… and he pushes up his hips… just enough… enough… and I rest my forehead on his shoulders… as they move beneath me… he’s just fucking pulling me inside him farther… and… oh… fuck… I try try try to hold on… his palms so fucking hot on the back of my hands… I push harder… more… more… faster… more… he pushes himself up releasing his dick from beneath him and… and… and… he’s… he’s… I can feel… he’s panting sucking in breaths pushing out little moans and… and… he… oh… cums… Christ… fuck… shit… more… oh… he’s shaking and letting little cries slip through his lips with the long intensity of it and… oh… oh… each… fucking… wave… of… it… washing… over… me… and… and… I’m cumming cumming cumming inside him… oh God and he’s still pulsing around me… holding me holding me holding me…

I collapse on top of him… my dick still held tightly inside him… as each fading contraction pulls me in… the clench and release… fucking fantastic… even though it’s almost almost almost too much… I’m panting for breath… fucking sweating and shaky… he lets go of my hands, and I pull out of him… reluctantly… wanting to stay in him forever… be that close forever… holding him to me… so… tight tight tight…

I kiss his back and slide the condom off… he rolls over and grabs the towel we always keep beside the bed… wiping his cum off his stomach… I take the cloth from him and do it for him… he falls back to the pillow… he’s gonna be fucking asleep in two minutes, I know… I wipe it across the wet spot on the sheets but give up… I don’t fucking care… I didn’t sleep last night… fucking shit that Gary gave me… I just puked until I felt better… then stayed up all night working on my art projects because every time I closed my eyes… I saw what almost happened… saw where I was… fucking… Christ… but Brian’s here now… and with him beside me… I’ll probably fucking sleep all day…

I lie back on my pillow beside him… running my fingers across his chest… he turns to stare at me for a minute… watching me… he knows that something happened at Gary’s… something so bad that I would give up my pride so easily and come back to him… but… he’ll keep letting me pretend that nothing happened… goddammit… that acceptance… that… caring… that trust… and respect… it makes me want to cry because it’s what I want from so many people in my life… and he’s the only one that gives it to me… not my friends, my mom, my dad, my surrogate mom Debbie… Brian’s the only fucking one that treats me the way that I want to be treated… makes him so fucking important to me it scares me…

He rolls towards me and kisses me on the lips softly… then harder… then we just let go… he rests his head on my shoulder… his soft hair against my chin… his arm curled around me… and I hold him… hold him… hold him… and drift off to sleep…