Eventually I become immune to it. Eventually I don’t even think about it. Eventually I look forward to it.

But right now…

Right now it makes me… want to…

Break down.

Lose control.

Beg for him to stop, please stop, oh God, please stop…

But I don’t do that… never do that…

He stares at me again, a hard gaze with eyes that look exactly like mine. Will I look like that when I’m 40? Fuck, I hope not.

Jack smacks me across the face again, and my head is pushed to the side with the force of it.

SMACK, and suddenly I’m not looking at him, but the mirror hanging on the wall beside me. And I see myself. Face red, lip bleeding, eye turning a dark blue.

But I can’t ask him to stop. I can’t cry out. I can’t… I just fucking can’t.

I know he wants me to. Wants me to show weakness. Wants me to show that I have a heart, a mind, a soul. More than this flesh and bone. More than what he can damage.

Maybe there isn’t more. Maybe all I have is this body, this shell of a man… maybe I’m only 12 years old right now, but I know I’ll get bigger, I know I’ll get older. Then maybe I’ll show him. I’ll prove to him that I can be a man, no matter what he thinks of me.

And I’ll prove to him that I have no feelings… no heart… no desires for anything…

But… but…

That’s not true…

I feel... like... I’m burning inside... like I’m gonna explode.... like I might die... but so good... it’s like… like… nothing I’ve ever felt before… and just thinking about it...

Just...

Remembering…

Why I’m here... why Jack feels he has reason to smack me... why... I skipped class... why... I feel like even though my body is screaming in pain from his blows... that inside... I’m smiling... inside... I feel... like... I know... who I am...

What I am...

And I’m not scared, not ashamed... because it felt so right... so good... so... the way it should...

I don’t know why we stayed... why... when the bell rang to go back to class... Scott and I just stood there... hiding behind the trees... until everyone else had gone back inside... and the playground was quiet... and no one could see us...

I pulled out a cigarette that I’d stolen from Jack...

I guess we both kind of knew what we wanted... we passed the cigarette back and forth... I tried... not to want to... touch him... so much... but... I knew that he wanted me too... and... then the cigarette was gone... and I rubbed my hands together... blowing on my fingers to warm them... even though... I felt... like... my face was burning...

He reached over and touched my hands... I stopped rubbing them... and looked at him...  he was so beautiful... he gripped my fingers tightly in his, then pulled me towards him... I stumbled a little... but stopped just short of him... my face inches from his... I knew my breath was coming heavier and I tried to stop it... I tried not to breathe... wanted to make this moment... last...

Then... he... leaned towards me a little, his eyes wide open... he looked at my mouth... I leaned towards him... it was like slow motion... everything... I could feel his breath... touching my face... and then it was closer... and I closed my eyes... and then... I could sense his skin so close to mine... we were so close, so close... my heart pounded in my ears... I sucked in a quick breath... felt... so hot everywhere... our lips... finally touched... brushed together... so shockingly warm despite the cold air outside... still holding our hands together so tightly... his lips were soft... and wet... and we pushed our mouths together... just standing there... not daring to move... and it was...

Oh God...

Like I had opened my eyes for the first time…

Like I’d taken my very first breath...

Like I knew... like I understood... everything...

It felt right… so fucking right…

But…

But... that’s mine. And Jack can’t have it. I won’t let him ruin this for me... he can never, ever have this...

Maybe... deep down inside somewhere… I can hide what I feel… maybe I can learn to keep those feelings all wrapped up in my heart… mine to keep… not to share… never share… never… tell anyone…

He’s trying to get me to admit I did wrong. That I shouldn’t have skipped class. That he shouldn’t have had to leave work to come speak to the teacher because my mother was too drunk to do it herself. That he shouldn’t have had any responsibilities surrounding me… the little shit he never wanted. 

The blows stop.

We stare at each other… he’s deciding if he’s done with me. If he’s ready to send me back into his oblivion where he ignores me and denies my existence. I have nothing to say to him. Never have anything to say to him.

He knows I’m smart and it kills him. He knows I’m good looking and it hurts him even more. He knows I’ll become the man he never was. Never could be. Except…

Except…

(little secret buried deep inside… mine, mine, mine)

One last look into my eyes. “Go to your room,” he mutters. “No dinner tonight.”

I shrug and march up the stairs. Hey, no problem. Gonna hide myself under my covers and dream of Scott… dream of his lips on mine again… imagine what it would be like to do more… to… do things I’ve only heard about… read about…

To start my life away from this place. To become immune forever to my father’s blows and my mother’s words. To become someone… else.