BRIAN’S POV

I knew something was going on… fucking knew that something was going on… but I was like… whatever… I was actually fuckin’ glad… he was doing his thing… on his own… fucking around… like he should…

Good.

I meant what I said to him. He’s too young to settle down. He is. He thinks that’s what he wants… but… he doesn’t. If he gets it… he won’t want it. Give him a couple years. Give him time. Let him live… get experience… be his own person… I know… I know… what I’m doing… I know…

But fuck… when he came home from school… with his Rage posters… I tried to get him to come to me… and he pushed me away… saying he needed to shower… fuck…

Wouldn’t… even kiss me…

Kiss me like he always does… like we always do… like… I was sitting there… waiting for…

Then I knew. Something more… and… 

I had to see… for myself. So I followed him into the shower…

Yeah… I wanted to fuck him. I always want to fuck him. Sometimes I want him to fuck me.

But it’s always. Always. Always. Him. And. Me.

Always have time for him. Always want to be with him. Doesn’t matter what I’ve done.

Always want to be with him. And he always wants to be with me.

But now…

Shit.

If he thinks I don’t know… that face… that feeling… of being fucked… too… much…

He’s wrong. He fucking forgets who he’s dealing with…

I pulled him into my arms in the shower... took him... and he made me feel... made me feel... like... there wasn’t enough... of him... left for me...

He can’t do that... can’t make me feel like that... can’t can’t can’t...

Fuck… it’s not the sex… it’s… the lying.

I wanna tell him… don’t fucking lie to me. Don’t think I’m stupid. Don’t think I don’t know. Don’t think I can’t tell. Don’t think that I would fucking care.

But… don’t fucking lie to me.

It makes it… more than it is… more than it oughta be…

Makes me think… that…

Someone is giving him the words he wants…

Though I know… I fucking know… that no one can give him what I give him. No one.

Fuck… I hear the door open… been standing here in the bedroom… looking at his shit strewn everywhere. Looking at the evidence of him… everywhere… thinking… how much I fucking like it… fucking asshole I am…

He comes in… humming under his breath… happy… content… just been fucked…

Can’t hide that from me…

No way, boy. Can’t hide THAT from me…

I take a couple of steps towards him… he doesn’t know I’m here… doesn’t see me…

I’m invisible for a second… while he thinks of someone else…

Then he sees me… startled… second fuckin’ time this week… his mind is so far away… so… far away… from where it used to be…

On me.

He asks me about the game… I tell him we didn’t win… wonder if he gets the fuckin’ irony in that… we… didn’t… win.

Fuck… whatever. I’m drunk. Too drunk to deal with this right. Too drunk not to do the things I want to. Too drunk to stop myself.

He’s coming towards me… I think it’s for a kiss… I miss that… miss him missing me… miss him wanting me… miss him… just miss him… I grab him around the waist, pull him to me… but he pushes on my chest… pushes away…

Fuck Justin.

Fuck.

Don’t… make… me… feel… like…

I ask him where he’s going… he says to take a shower… little fucker… can’t you do that at his place… can’t you shower before you get home to me… I tell him I notice how many showers he’s been taking lately…

Doesn’t say anything…

He tries to twist out of my grasp… tries to get away from me… but I can’t let go… I grab one arm… the other… his hand… slide my arms under his shoulders… anything… as he twists around… trying to leave me… trying to get away… trying not to look me in the eye…

Finally he does… answering my request for him to come to me… with a harsh word… “later”… he says… as he tries to hide… tries so hard…

I push my face closer to his… tell him “now”…

He tries to twist away again… puts his hand my face… not a familiar gesture… something he’s been doing to someone else… asks me if we can do it after…

Of course not… everything will be washed away then…

I pull him to me again… my fingers wrapped up tight in the belt loops of his jeans… not… going anywhere…

And then…

Fuck…

Don’t look at me like that… don’t roll your fuckin’ eyes at me. Don’t you fuckin’ ever look at me like that.

Tell me you’re fucked out.

Tell me you fucking broke your own goddamn rules and you kissed your face off.

Tell me your ass is aching, your hole is raw, your dick is sore.

But don’t make me feel like this.

Like I’m asking you to give me something… you don’t want to give.

Don’t make me feel like this…

Like you think you owe me.

Like you don’t want me.

Like you think I’m a fool. Like you think I don’t know… would care…

Lying to me.

He tries to pull out of my grasp. Not very hard. Doesn’t really try… in fact his arms end up around me… don’t know if he realizes it or not… but he’s holding me in his grip…

And I let the ball… drop…

“I like the smell on you…” I say… he stops squirming… “Not soap.”

And Christ. I see it in his eyes… everything…

I lean into his mouth… I know he thinks I’m going to kiss him… but… I just run my nose real close to his lips… inhale deeply… smell it… smell… everything… the fuckin’ hot reek of sex… but more... more... more... Jesus Christ…

I meet his gaze again… see fear and guilt racing across his stare…

I caress his cheek with my thumb… tender… sweet… soft… bring it near his lips… his mouth opens… just a little… his lips parting…

And we just keep looking at each other… talking in our own way…

He knows… I know… something…

Let my hand… slide… down his face… my fingers… tightening… just a little… around his throat… crossing the bridge… from… gentle… to… rough…

I see a million things… most of all love… most of all… guilt…

I grab him… pull him to me roughly… hard… feel his breath escape his lungs… push out over my face…

Cum… spit… someone else…

Push our faces together… a split second… then… then…

Pull him to me… kiss… him… our lips… pressed together... tight… he responds… like he hasn’t in fuckin’ days… and I know already... I’ve got him... and...

I devour him.

Kissing… like our lips have missed each other… for years… kissing like we’ll never kiss again… kissing like… like…

I suddenly need him so badly… I want him… need him close so close need to touch him squeeze him to me… so hard… I suck on his lips… hungrily… and we keep mashing our mouths together…

Need to feel his skin…

I yank his jacket off him… pulling his arms out of it so hard his lips leave mine… his body is jerked away from me…

Split second apart… turns into something longer… I look at him… what do I see… still… the guilt… fuck I taste the guilt… but I see so much more now… a little anxious… a little excited… but so fucking horny… know that … can see that… in his eyes… burning behind his pupils… he wants me…

I bring my face close again… then open my mouth over his… pushing out my breath on him… letting him get a sense of me… me… me… me… me…

And I know it’s about power. I know it’s about control. I know what I’m doing isn’t fair, isn’t right.

But I dare him… to think about anyone else… right now… dare him… to think… that he can wait to have me… to have this… dare him… to ever imagine… he could get this… from someone else…

Fucking dare him…

But… at the same time…

Fuck…

I’m losing it… I’ll admit it… there’s no one else like me for him… there’s no one else like him for me… never been someone I’ve wanted to kiss like this before… that… I’ve wanted… to… fucking… just push my face and my body so close to his… and even though we’re connected as close as we can be… it’s not enough not enough not enough… need more more more… I can’t fucking get enough… and it’s freaking me out…

His hands are everywhere… he’s pulling me to him as hard as I’ve got him… both of us… needing the other… and fuck… fuck… fuck…

I’d rather die than let go right now…

It slows down for a second… I snake my tongue in his mouth… fucking him… slowly… with my tongue… it throws me over the edge again… he clamps his lips over my mouth… sucking me… and I pull him up… wanting to push his shirt over his head… but not… fucking… being… able… to… let… go… my hands push over his skin… hard… my palms feeling the heat off him… sweat forming on him… as… try to get enough… try… to… get… what I need…

We fall to our his knees… breaking apart for the quickest second that it takes for me to tear his shirt off… and together again… he’s grasping at me… desperate… so desperate… trying to climb on me… trying to… connect… trying to… fuck…

Jesus Christ… fuck… fuck… I’m losing it… fuck…

I push him over onto his back… his legs… scramble out behind me… and I slide my knee between his crotch… touching his balls with my knee… he’s on the floor… hard on the floor… shit…

His fingers are scraping at my pants… trying to open… trying to touch…

I snap back to reality… snap back… to him… how he made me feel… get control… find myself again…

He struggles with the zipper on my jeans…

No.

I smack his hand away… little smile creeps up his lips…

Yeah… no one else makes you feel like this…

I know it…

I know what you like… I know what you love… I know how you love it… what you want… what makes you hard… so fuckin’ hard you almost cum in your pants… without even touching your dick…

Like now…

He lies on his back… open… arms at his side… Christ… I could do anything… fuck… I…he’s mine mine mine right now…

I yank open his jeans… push my hand past his underwear… and grab his cock… squeezing it… feeling the fullness… the wetness… the sweat and cum and everything…

Back to him… in his face… he’s drunk on it… lost in it… I ask him if he likes it… he barely breathes out “yes”… he can’t breathe… he can’t… think… he’s fucking so far over the edge… he’s…

Where I want him.

I give myself… one more time… another kiss… a few more seconds… I need it… fucking don’t wanna admit it… but I so badly want this… need this… oh Christ oh fuck me fuck me fuck me…

I pound my fist on the floor. Once. Twice.

Okay.

I stop… gasping for breath… trying to suck in air… only breathing him in… him… him… wanting more … but know… I can’t… I need to…

Keep my face pressed so fucking close to his… he tries to kiss me… I pull my lips away from his… let him know… how it feels… leaving him… as he reaches for me…

He’s gasping… pleading… begging me with his eyes… more more more more more moremoremoremoremoremoremore….

He asks me why I stopped…

I wanna tell him… I so fucking badly want to SAY…

I’m NOBODY’S second choice. Never.

But… I just… let him know… that I know…

He whispers my name…

I keep my eyes locked on his… as I inhale… over him… smell the cum on his face… smell the other man… the… same… fucking one… I know… I know his smell… I know… everything…

Look Justin in the eye… don’t wanna hurt… him… just…

Let him know.

I tell him… to go take a shower… push myself up off him…

Tell him he stinks…

Then leave. Stand up. Walk away. Into the darkness of the living room. I stand there with my back to him.

I fuckin’ hate the reek of deception.

I’ll let him play his little game. Have his fun. In the end it’s him that’ll get hurt. He forgets I have nothing to hurt. No heart to break. No ego to crush. He forgets how I was before I met him. That I can be that way again. That I… don’t… need… this…

Like he does.

He needs more… needs everything.

I need less… need nothing.

Except…

Maybe…

Whatever. I shake my head, and hear him stand up behind me. I keep my back to him. My fuckin’ cock is so goddamn hard… fuck… if I look at him… I’ll give up… so I keep my back turned… away… as I hear him climb the steps into the bedroom… hear the bathroom light click on… the shower start…

It’s subsided… whatever it was I felt… not jealousy. Not possession. Not fear. Not rage. Not anger. Not sadness. Not… a million things.

But… what… what… what…

I know something’s going to happen soon. Something’s going to give.

And it won’t be me.

JUSTIN’S POV

Christ Brian… okay… I admit… I admit it…

I was high from Ethan… his light touch… his caresses… his feathery kisses… the way he… is so gentle… so soft… so… so…

And I got home… violin music dancing through my head… songs spinning through my brain… not thinking… not thinking… about Brian… not remembering… everything…

How the FUCK could I do that…

How could I forget him… forget… even for a fucking second… what it’s like… how good… how bad… everything…

I pull my portfolio case over my head… lost in… thinking about… Ethan… how I wanted to stay… and didn’t… how it was good and hard to leave him at the same time… how… he looks at me… that look… like… I’m cheating on him by going home to Brian. Going to Brian’s home to sleep. How he looks at me… like… I look at Brian… how I used to look at Brian… before I learned about… Brian…

I turn around… head towards the bedroom… and…

He’s there… standing in the dark… drinking… I mean, that’s not such a big fucking surprise. This is Brian’s home. It is night. And he likes to drink.

So… why does it feel somehow kind of eerie… him standing there… me thinking about someone else… didn’t seem right… of course not… it isn’t right.

He knocks back the rest of his drink… whatever… I need… to get away… from this…

Need to get Ethan off me… before he… notices…

But Brian grabs me around the waist before I can get anywhere… presses his face in mine… fuuuuckk…

Can’t deal…

I try to push him away… no… later… need… to wash away…

What I did.

Ethan.

Need to get rid of it.

Gone.

But he keeps hold of me… pulling on me… back to him… pulling me…

I try to get out of his grasp… almost get a little… fuck… freaked… he won’t let me go… and Christ… I’m gonna be found out found out found out…

Who the fuck am I fooling.

He knows.

Of course he knows. That’s why he’s doing this.

Brian can’t just tell me he knows…

He’s gonna fuck with me instead.

I stop struggling. Give in to the inevitable. The more I try to get away… the more obvious it will be… the harder everything will be…

I let go… somehow my arms end up around him… I can’t control what I do around him… never have… never will…

He says he likes the smell on me… and… I just wanna close my eyes… and go away somewhere else… he whispers in my face… “Not… soap”…

And Christ… can he tell I’ve been sucking cock? Can he tell Ethan’s tongue has traveled across my face… my neck… his breath embedded in my hair? Can he tell I’ve got cum in between my fingers… and smeared on my chest… and that my dick has been up someone else’s ass? Can he tell all that?

His face nears mine… I think he’s gonna kiss me… but… instead… he inhales… me… and I know he can tell all those things… all those things and more… and it makes me feel a bit sick… and then it makes me feel so fucking mad… because it hurts me more to know that he knows I’ve done these things… than it hurts me to watch him doing them with someone else… why… it doesn’t make any fuckin’ sense…

Except… it’s how I feel…

He stops… all of a sudden… soft… looks into my eyes… I don’t wanna look back at him… don’t want to see him… realizing how right he is… but I can’t tear my eyes away… can’t stop… just meet his hazel eyes with mine… just… lose myself… and feel like it’s the first time I was here… and it’s all gone… all forgotten… two years… turns into two seconds… it’s all gone… away… for now…

Just now…

Just right now… is all I have…

Fuck… his warm palm on my face… sliding down my cheek… then… thumb slips around my throat… I suck in a slip of air… my dick moves… I can’t help it… so… hot… love… him… taking control… of me… he’s the only one that… could make me… feel… like… this…

And then he grabs me suddenly… fuckin’ pulling me off my feet for a second… I grip my arms tight around his shoulders… holding on… my dick pressing against his… fuck…

And Christ…

He kisses me…

Not just kisses… me… takes me… engulfs me… overwhelms me… till I’m covered with just Brian… his hot breath pushing across my face… I know nothing else… except him… him… him… him… everything forgotten… shit… oh fuck… oh fuck fuck fuck…

Fuck… this is what I wanted when I got home from Vermont. This is what I wanted when he fucking kicked romance back in my face. This is what… I always want…

He’s just sucking breaths… desperate… he pulls me up… I don’t know… like he’s trying to get more of me… trying to fuck all of me… trying… to… take all of me inside him… my feet leave the floor… I stand on my tiptoes as he holds me to him…

He yanks off my jacket… so harshly I’m pulled away from his mouth… and it gives me… a second… to see him… and… I just see… how much he wants me… he dives at me again… kissing kissing kissing… now pushing me back with his mouth… leaning into me… and I hold on to him… loving this… so fucking much… needing this from him… so fucking much…

Again… he’s pulling me to him… his tongue inside me… fucking me… fucking me… he pulls me again… so hard… so hard… Christ… his dick is pressing so hard against mine… I can hardly stand it… God… I want him him him… nothing else… no one else… he’s all I want all I need all I could ever… fucking… handle…

His hands are pushing my shirt up my back… his palms hot on my skin… his fingers… digging into me… he pulls me to my knees… mouths separate for the tiniest second as he tears off my shirt… and then we’re back… together…. and I fucking want him so much… want to push him over and take his cock inside me… riding and riding and riding him… fuck… oh fuck…

But he dominates me… pushing me over onto my back… and I let myself go… let him take me over…

His knee pressed at my balls… my dick pushing against his thigh… Christ I can feel his cock… so fucking hard against my leg… and oh God… I burn inside I want him in me so bad… like a fucking itch I need his dick to scratch… I’m desperate desperate desperate… oh God… God… God… even though… Ethan’s just fucked me again and again… it was nothing… all I need is Brian’s cock… Christ… I’m not satisfied… till… Brian’s inside me… till… Brian’s made me cum…

Christ… I pull at his pants… trying to get at his dick… trying to get him inside me as fast as fucking possible… needing him… him… him…

But he slaps my hands away… shit… so hot… I let my arms fall to my sides… and wait… for whatever the fuck he’s going to do… because I can take it… all of it… shit… I don’t think I can breathe… I think… if he touches my dick… I might fucking cum… and then he does touch me… pulling open my pants, shoving his fingers past my underwear and grabbing my cock… hard… and I feel a jolt… and I know cum’s seeping out my dick… more Brian… fuck… more…

He’s in my face again… asks me if I like it… I can barely speak… say yes… and wrap my fingers around his neck… holding him there… diving my tongue in his mouth… his hands hold me to him… and we’re so close… so fucking close… I love how much he wants me… right now… how much he fucking needs… me… right now…

He’s pulling on my hair… and I try to touch him everywhere… his body pressed so close to mine and Christ… gonna cum…gotta… can’t stand… it…

Fuck Ethan. Fuck screwing around. Fuck everything. All I need is Brian’s cock inside me and for him to keep kissing me and never ever ever ever let me go… to never ever ever ever let us leave this place… this amazing place… where we tell each other how much we fucking need each other… where we tell each other how much we fucking love each other… with…

No words. No words. No words.

But I hear everything so clearly…

Then… words fuck it up.

Words hurt.

He pounds the floor beside my head with the palm of his hand… I hardly hear it… feel the vibration under my head… and stops… lets me go… and I’m panicked. Need his lips on me… fuck… need to be sucking in his breath… I feel like I’ll suffocate without it…

Christ Brian, fuck me…

I reach for him… but he’s still… pulling away from me… so slightly… out of my reach… I can hardly speak... I need him so badly… but I whisper out… ask him why he stopped…

He’s looking at me… so strange… his eyes not leaving mine. His eyes locked in a stare. His eyes… his eyes…

He runs his nose over my face and I can hear him breathing in…

… and…

He tells… me… to take a shower. Tells me… I stink.

Then pushes away… off me… leaving me… there… his words… burning in my ears…

Makes me feel…

Guilty.

Wrong.

Betrayed.

Like a liar, a fool, a child. Like he can prove to me… that what I thought didn’t matter… does. That I thought words were important. When all I really want right now… is to feel him on me again… feel his lips on mine… feel… his breath on my face… I wouldn’t care if he never spoke to me again… as long as we kissed forever… fucked into eternity…

I’m not going to let myself hurt over this.

Can’t.

Not going to be mad at Brian for this.

He’s just fucking with me… just reminding me… what… he… is…

Who he is… to me…

I get up… and go to the bathroom… and I stand in the shower… breathing… just fucking breathing… wanting to scrub the smell of Ethan off my face… but wanting to keep the taste of Brian in my mouth…

How can I feel like this… how can I… fucking want so much from two people… I never wanted this. Never wanted more than this. Never wanted to feel… like… this…

Don’t wanna have to stop anything… want… to be here and be somewhere else at the same time… I can’t lie to Brian. I need to tell him… how I feel… can’t lie any more…. shouldn’t lie… not fair… he’s never given me anything but the fucking truth…

But… I just don’t know… if I can give up… what I can give up… what I can let go… why do I have to…

Fuck. I have to… I can’t go on…

I need to… say something. I need to do something. Before…

Someone gets hurt.

Because I know… that… the one that will hurt the most…

Is me.