Lindsay… take the fucking tickets! I’m saying the words to her, but she’s not hearing me. She’s giving me some lame thing about not wanting to lose hope in me… about no regrets. Don’t my friends know that there are very few things I hate more than having people spout my own shit back at me?

Fuck… I can’t do anything. I’ve tried my last… I’ve played all my cards. I can’t stay. They don’t want me to stay. I’ve fucking convinced all of them.

Well… fuck you too.

All I need is an excuse. One little reason why I can’t possibly go to the White Party. Just… need… one… thing. They know I can’t back down. They know me… and maybe that’s why they aren’t trying very hard to make me stay. I feel fucking sick at the thought that I’ve convinced all of them… Lindsay, Michael, Deb… none of them really tried to get me to stay.

Because… because they really think I don’t care? I don’t fucking know.

I walk out the door, shoving the tickets in my pocket. Justin’s waiting for me outside. I don’t know if he heard or not. I would’ve just told him the truth – that I gave the tickets to Lindsay as a present. And then I would’ve bought us both tickets to go next year.

I don’t say anything as we walk down the stairs towards the door… ready to go… the cab’s coming to pick us up soon and I at least feel glad that Justin’s coming… that I won’t be alone… I’m so relieved at that thought that I don’t even rail into him about his stupid getting married comment… but then… but then…

He’s telling me he’s not going with me… and I understand so completely… and then he asks if I’m mad and I want to laugh out loud and tell him I’m proud… and tell him I admire him… because he’s not a liar like me.

“So… you staying here now?” I ask, but he shakes his head.

“No… I need to change,” he says, taking my hand, suddenly all smiles. He’s obviously been thinking about this a lot and now that he’s made the decision to stay, he looks relieved. “I’ll go back with you to the loft.”

The drive back is filled with idle chatter… whatever… I can’t stop thinking about Lindsay. And how fucking pissed I am. I can’t say anything to her… I’m not mad at her. I’m mad at myself. Because I’d lied to her… over and over and over… and convinced her I was someone that I wasn’t.

We get back to the loft and I check the time… I ordered a cab to come pick us - me up at 3:30… and I had half an hour to spare. Just enough time to…

“Hey…” Justin says… he’s climbed up the stairs to the bed and is looking at me.

“What?” I ask. I know what he’s going to say…

“How much time you got?” he takes a step down and I take a step closer.

“About half an hour… why?” I say… teasing… wanna hear him SAY it.

“Well… since I’m not going with you…” he steps into my space, and I wanna grab his shoulders and pull him to me.

“M-hmmmm…” I say… standing there… waiting…

“Wanna…” he lifts his shoulder, and dips his chin… shy little bastard. Don’t know where this is coming from… usually he’s jumping on me… but… I guess he feels like I should be mad… guess he feels like he let me down… guess he feels like the ball is in my court.

Fuck all that… I know what I want.

I slide my hands around his waist and plant my lips firmly on his … his mouth opens to me and I kiss him hard… love this…

His fingers find my jeans and pull open the buttons… I rip open his pants, and suddenly we’re scrambling to pull shirts over heads but neither one of us wants to break the kiss… our shirts hang around our shoulders… our pants around our ankles… we can’t let go… don’t want to…

I step out of my pants and so does he… then he pulls away and I feel… oh… lost… but he pulls my shirt over my head and I pull off his and he takes my hand and drags me to the bedroom and we fall on the sheets… he rolls between my legs as I lie on my back and he kisses me… over and over…

He grabs a condom and tears off the wrapper… looking at me… watching me… what’s he thinking… he slides from between my legs and lies beside me, taking my cock in his hand… he rolls the condom on my dick and I bite my lip… I love his fingers on me… I love watching him push the rubber ring up my cock… I almost always demand he puts it on me… it’s our foreplay.

He kisses me quickly, then rolls onto his stomach, pushing his hips up… his ass waiting for me… fuck…

I kneel behind him between his legs and rub the tip of my dick around his hole. He moans… he loves this… I know he does… and he’s never shy about it… and it makes me want to do it more… I wet my thumb in my mouth and touch it to his hole, wetting him… then put my cock back on him… slipping around in the spit… pushing a little but not entering… just teasing… rolling around and around… my cock hardening up with the tickle at the tip…

Then… then… I slide in him… he just collapses beneath me… letting out his breath… relaxing almost… welcoming me inside him… I take him by the hips… gripping him for a few slow thrusts in… he sighs so loudly with each one… moaning… letting me know he loves it… and I begin to realize how much I love giving it to him… he feels so fucking good… my cock sliding in him… so hot… so… so… constant… so familiar… so… goddamn tight…

He rests his head on the sheets, his hands out beside him, and I just want to fuck him all day… and all night… why go anywhere else when all I could ever want is here… good question…

He moans and moans and says my name and tells me to fuck him fuck him… I know he’s not really aware of the words coming out of his mouth… but since we’ve been fucking other guys together… when it’s just us… I think he likes to remind me… that it’s just us… though I know that no one else has ever fucked him… he’s never told me… but I know…

Oh shit… I luh-uh-uh-uh-ve fucking Justin. Sometimes I think I don’t need to fuck anyone else… but some egotistical part of me thinks that when I stop fucking other guys… that they’ll want to stop being fucked by me… and I don’t wanna know that. I want to be… what was it Michael said? I want to be young and I want to beautiful. Forever… fuck… me fucking this goddamn kid… 12 years younger than me… yeah, it’s not lost on me…

Aw, fuck this… I slide out of him, and he cries out to me… but I push him over onto his back… I wanna watch him… I wanna hold him while we fuck… and I won’t fuck anybody like this ever again… except Justin.

I slide his legs over my shoulders, and slip back in him… his lips roll into a grin and I smile back at him… my tongue slipping through my teeth… I wrap my hands behind his head and pull him to me… I push my forehead against his… and our lips touch… God… since he made that fucking rule… I want to kiss him all the time… I’m sure that was his intent… smart little fucker…

I open my mouth and let him in… his head falls back to the pillow and I follow him… not letting his tongue leave my mouth… we kiss kiss kiss… I don’t know why it’s so erotic but it is… my tongue rubbing his in my mouth… our wet lips brushing against one another… tasting him… sucking on him…and we kiss kiss kiss… not even fucking anymore… I just hold my cock inside him… pushing hard… his legs straining over my shoulders… his fingers in my hair, moving all over my scalp… and we kiss kiss kiss…

I let myself fall on him and take his head in my hands… my palms holding his flushed cheeks… he tickles his tongue on my lips and I reach out to him with mine… he lets me inside his mouth… and I close my lips over his… loving the sensation… reeling from his scent… and we kiss kiss kiss…

His legs slip just slightly from my shoulders – I let them… then they fall more and my dick starts to slide out of him but I don’t fucking care… I’m getting what I want from him – what I need from him… from that very first time to every time after that… all I want is to kiss him… and now he’s the only one I kiss and somehow, someway it makes it even sexier… even more desired… it’s all I want… and it’s what I won’t find in fucking Miami…

His dick presses on my stomach, hot… wet… begging… but I don’t care… don’t care… just kiss… kiss… kiss…

The buzzer rings and I know the goddamn cab is here to pick me up for the airport.

“Shit…” he whispers… panting… his fingers still in my hair… holding me to him… his breath moist on my face…

I inhale him… suck in his air… don’t know why… I guess I wanna get all I can of him in the next few minutes… enough to make me last for the next two days…

He wriggles beneath me… wanting me to fuck him… wanting to cum one last time before I go away… I’ll be home soon… but I know the feeling… like a fear that something might change… and it will never be the same… will never be exactly like this again… lost in each other… content… satisfied…

I reluctantly take my hands from his face and I put them to the bed… holding myself up… he puts his hands on my shoulders and gets ready to be ridden… and I push in him hard… then slide a tiny bit out… then in hard… he tips his head back as I push past him in all the right places inside… out… then in… then I start to fuck him in earnest… wild frantic thrusts… the buzzer keeps going and I don’t fucking care I just focus on his tight hole and the way it feels to slide in him… oh… over… oh… over… and… huh… over again…

I push push push in him and watch his face… his mouth drops open and he lets me see how much he loves this… he’s so fucking raw and honest and I love it… need it… his eyes scrunching closed and he makes these huffing breaths with each thrust… his fingers knead the skin on my shoulders… pinching me… holding me up and pulling and pushing me at the same time… and… and… and… one of his hands leaves my shoulders and he takes his dick in his fist jerking himself off so… fast… and he gets so fu-uh-uh-cking tight on my cock that… that… oh Christ he cums… my dick being pushed out but I force it back in to ride ride ride the wave… his ass gets even tighter on my cock… sharp contractions that squeeze me inside him… holy fuck I don’t think… it… ever… fucking… gets… better… than… huh… huh… fuck me… I cum cum cum inside him… pressing my thighs against his soft ass… not moving… not breathing…

The buzzer has finally stopped and our panting breaths echo in the loft… it’s so quiet… and… I let myself fall on top of him, ignoring the wet cum on his belly… feeling it spread over my chest… my head in the crook of his neck and I breathe breathe breathe…

The phone starts to ring and I know it’s the goddamn cab again. I wanna leave it. I wanna stay right here…

Justin moves a bit under me to reach the portable phone on the dresser. I don’t move to help him, he puffs out a breath at my weight on him, but I don’t fucking care… I put my hands on his sides and just listen to him…

“Yeah,” he answers the phone and I close my eyes. Why’d he do that? Can’t we just ignore the world right now?

“He’ll be right down, just wait another minute… yeah… ok… sorry,” Justin clicks off the phone and I stay where I am. Don’t wanna go… ask me to stay ask me to stay ask me to stay… ask me ask me ask me ask me… please…

“Hey… Brian,” he whispers into my hair… Christ… here it comes… I suck in a deep breath. This is a good excuse. Justin wanted me to stay. I had to…

…liar…

“Brian…” he says again, and this time I make a noise so he knows I’ve heard… ready to argue with him… ready to give in…

“Brian… you better get going…” he says….

Fuck… fuck fuck fuck…

I feel so fucking sick I want to scream and yet there’s no one that knows… no one that cares… they are all so fucking ready to let me go…

Anger rips through me suddenly and it’s not at him… never at him for something like this… it’s at myself and for how fucking good I’ve gotten at playing my game and pushing everyone away and just fucking lying all the goddamn time… to him and Lindsay, and dammit… even Mikey… but most of all myself… but these are words I hear screaming through my head all day and all night and all I can do is project the image of… complete… and utter… control… the more frantic I am inside… the more calm… I… appear… on the outside…

I lift myself off him… pull my dick out of his hole… slide the condom off. He passes me a towel and I wipe his cum from my chest… don’t think about this… don’t…

I get dressed, pulling on my jeans and sweater… everything’s ready for me to go… I reek of sweat and Justin… but that’s my punishment… I have to wear him on me… to remind myself of what I’ve left…

He lies on the bed on his stomach, head at the foot of the bed, feet resting on the pillows… he watches me with this slightly amused look on his face… I can’t possibly imagine what he thinks is going through my head… but I can assure you that he’s wrong.

“Okay…” I check my pocket to see if the tickets are there… and I pick up my bag. Not looking back… can’t look back…

“Brian,” now… is he… going… to… ask me…

“Yeah?” I can’t turn around.

“Brian… don’t forget,” he speaks so quietly… and I want to drop my bag and go back… save me Justin… save me from myself… don’t let me do this anymore… how can I leave here… how can I give up one of the most important events in my friend’s lives for this… for me… for my selfishness… I already know I’m going to regret it… Gus will ask me… what will I say…

Instead I stare at the door. Don’t turn around. “What. Use a condom? The rules?” All I can say.

“No… don’t forget,” he says it even quieter this time… and I know he’s watching me…

I can’t stand it… I slide my eyes in his direction… the least amount possible. I see him standing at the top of the few steps leading to the bed, naked, leaning against the wooden column. Fuck… I don’t answer… I don’t know… I just stare him from the corner of my eye. He sees me.

“You know…” and he smiles and it breaks my heart and he gets these little crinkles in his eyes and he has no fucking idea what I am going through right now and I hate it…  I hate that everyone expects so little of me… and I know suddenly what it is that he doesn’t want me to forget. He won’t say it… but…

I tear my eyes from him and nod a little… mumble yeah… and leave.

As I run down the steps… I think about it… he doesn’t want me to forget that he loves me.

I’m such a fucking liar…

The flight sucks – the plane is filled with queers and grandparents… all going to Miami. Fucking cheap ticket and I’m sitting with the rest of the cattle and I should be glad that I have an extra seat beside me to stretch out my legs but it’s just a constant reminder that I’m alone.

I get to the hotel and it’s actually nice and I find my room and lie down on the king sized bed and think about home. It’s so fucking hot outside… and I think about taking a shower… but I don’t want to lose him… don’t want to lose his smell off me… I look at the clock and think about Lindsay and Melanie and Michael and Ben and Emmett and Ted and Deb and Vic and… and… Justin… all sharing such a fucking important day… and I should be there holding my son and watching as his mothers share their love… but I’m here. Lying on a hotel bedspread… mindlessly looking at a party planner that’s been left in my room… and I do the second best thing I know how to do… I get wasted.

Later… I finally feel ready to go out… it’s fucking 10 o’clock and I’ve spent nearly two hours in the room drinking every fucking bottle in the minibar and smoking the weed I bought and thinking about which pill I should pop… I’ve dressed for the occasion… white pants and white button down shirt… and get ready to fuck every goddamn thing in sight. It’s why I came… it’s what they expect…

I get to the party and the floor is fucking jumping and there’s millions of people… but… but…

The DJ is hot and I let the world wash around me… the heat is intense and there’s fucking gorgeous men everywhere… I push myself to the middle of the floor and grab some fuck… he’s grinning at me and fucking flying like me… and he pushes his lips on mine so hard… and I … and I… fuck! Push him away and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand… no… can’t…

I spin away and look for more… need to have my goddamn dick sucked NOW… scan for a back room and just see a bathroom… stumble that way… feel a hand on my shoulder and glance at the face… decent… hot body… I whisper my words that I never forget how to say no matter how drunk or wasted I am and he’s pushing me against the wall and then he’s on his knees and he pulls out my cock… and… huh… with the drink and drug it takes me a bit longer but I cum and he swallows me whole… he appears at my lips ready to kiss, but I put my hand on his chin and push him away… no… can’t…

I push back to the dance floor and it’s a dream… there’s a queen dressed in white and she throws a bouquet and I automatically reach my hand up to grab it… don’t… know… why… and I look around at all the faces… I caught it… I caught it… I want to tell everyone… but… the faces are unfamiliar… and I’m not… where… I should be…

I’m dazed and dreamy… fucking shit mix I took… don’t even remember… I just look around at the faces… smiling… knowing I’m being watched… looking for something familiar… besides the faceless fucks, the music, the scene… that’s always different but always the same no matter where you go… Babylon or the White Party… the same the same…

Someone grabs the flowers from my hand and I let them go… feel a cock, hard against my ass… no thanks… I turn around and see the guy… fuckin’ hottie and I slip my hand down his pants and pull him with me while I look for somewhere to fuck him… I find a dark corner and I push him against the wall face first and pull down his pants and I push mine down just enough and slide the condom on my dick in what seems like one movement… and I’m in him… fucking… fucking… need to overpower him… need to get my control… I hold him to the wall, my arm pushed back against his shoulders… and he’s moaning and I fuck him… fuck him… finally cum… he cums… and I pull out of him and he turns around and grabs my face in his hands and tries to kiss me… but I turn away… no… can’t…

I wonder if I’ll ever fuck enough guys to make this feeling go away… I take a hit of E and go to the dance floor… moving with the bodies… pulsing with the heat… taking it all in… wondering… wondering… is this worth it?

I’m dripping with sweat it’s so goddamn hot and I want to change… cum on my pants… shirt damp with the humidity and reeking of men… Justin… Justin is long gone from me…

I slip out of the club and go back to my room… anxious… anxious… wanting to go back for more… knowing the party will go on all night till the sun comes up and I want to be there… need to be here… fuck more… fuck…

I tear off my shirt and rummage in my suitcase… I find a tank top and pull it on… the cotton so cool against my skin… I peel my jeans off and look for another pair… fucking don’t believe it but don’t think I brought enough clothes...

Rush rush rush… fucking buzzed and high… ready… I’m just about to leave when for some goddamn reason my eyes find the clock… I see big red numbers…

2:58 a.m.

I hold my hand on the doorknob… but I’m frozen.

2:59 a.m.

What am I waiting for? Thousands of men are waiting to get fucked by Brian Kinney…

3:00 a.m.

My hand slips from the doorknob and I walk over to the bed. Sit down. Stare at the phone.

Fuck me.

No.

No.

My hand is on the phone. But… I can’t.

No.

3:01 a.m.

This is my weekend off. This is my time… I don’t owe anybody a goddamn thing.

3:02 a.m.

Nobody expects it. Nobody wanted it. They all pushed me away.

3:03 a.m.

I hold the receiver away from me… don’t want to… get… too close… to the phone… at the other end of the line it rings once… twice… fuck… I have no expectation from him… three times… I don’t expect him to be there… no… fucking… way… he’s off fucking someone…

“Hello?”

I hang up quickly.

Liar.