Don’t ask me. Don’t anyone ever ask me.

I don’t have an explanation except to say that I love him. I do.

And I felt like he deserved to know… out of all the things he’s given me… I had to give him something… needed to give him what he’d always wanted – yeah, I know that sounds like a fucking egotistical thing to say… but it’s true.

No matter what I try to do… what I don’t try to do… these things will never change. It’s our facts of life. As much as we’re both gay… as much as we both love each other… as much as we know we won’t ever be together.

I tried. But half way through… I knew it was wrong. But I would’ve done it anyway. I would’ve kept kissing him and holding him and would’ve laid down on the floor of his comic shop… pulling his legs over my shoulders and fucked him fucked him fucked him… the way I only fuck one other person… shared with him what he wanted… watched his face as he came… held him tight in my arms… pressing his cum over both of us…

But…

But…

Don’t anyone ask me why. I can’t ever tell anyone why… can’t ever tell anyone period.

And there’s Ben… who I think honestly loves Michael although I am so fucking scared for Michael – for his health and for his heart… and there’s Justin… who… well… who… loves me. And…

It’s like we’ve always saved this for the end. For the last thing. For the last trick the last fuck the last kiss… because we know we’ll always be together… but there’s never been a Ben before… and there sure as hell has never been a Justin… but there’s always been Mikey… always…

All I know is that he’s my best friend.

And I love him.

And I tried.

But… some things are maybe… worth saving. Are maybe better off not knowing… are better off left unsaid…

He asked me to leave and I was fucking pissed and relieved and so goddamn happy all at the same time…

I couldn’t let it go… had to let him know… so I walked to the door and left him my cryptic remark… and I do know his secret identity. The same way he knows mine. And that’s what makes him special… and I’ve never fucked him… and maybe never will… and that makes him even more special.

I don’t know if I should apologize – I wouldn’t actually say the words anyway, but… I don’t know if I should do anything to let him know it’s okay. But I think he knows…

And now I’m just standing here outside his shop… knowing he’s 10 feet away from me… and for once there’s something that we can’t comfort each other for… something we can’t talk about… something that… is bigger than I ever imagined…

It’s dark… no lights… and I don’t think he sees me, but I know I have to go… I need to think about something else… I can’t deal with this right now… I can’t figure out what the fuck is wrong with me… why I would risk what we have… but I’ve been thinking about it all day… knowing he was upset… but didn’t know how much… so when I asked him at the shop… and he confirmed for me his jealousy and… that he’d always wanted it… I just couldn’t stop… it’s all I have to give… well… all I know how to give…

I consider going back to the loft alone, losing myself in drink and drug… consider picking up a trick and fucking him quickly… then remember I told Justin I’d meet him at Babylon. I don’t know why I did that… don’t want the kid waiting for me… but… I thought he could be my out… he’s my… grounder… I wanted him available so if it all went to hell I’d know I still had someone… who loved me… because I don’t think there are many out there that do.

Not many at all.

Oh Christ I hope I haven’t fucked this up.

But… no regrets… right?

No regrets.

Continue to Silence (Justin's POV)