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JUSTIN’S POV
What the fuck am I doing what the fuck am I
doing what the fuck am I doing what the fuck
am I doing fuck fuck fuck fuck…
I’m gonna fucking throw up…
Fuck…
Pretend it’s Brian – FUCK NO don’t do that…
pretend it’s that hot guy that was eyeing me
all night… the one with the dark hair that looked
like… oh Christ, I’m going to cry… I can’t do
this… can’t can’t can’t… no… oh… shit… I just
have to let go… and push every fucking thought…
of him… out of… my head… fuck… fuck…
This guy is so sloppy and it feels… just not
right… and his stubble is brushing against my
balls… and it’s not hot and it’s not erotic
and it’s not anything… just… wrong…
Oh shit… what have I done… what am I doing…
why… what is fucking worth this… who ever knew
how… bad… this would be… could be… without…
I put one hand on the railing… holding myself
up as his mouth pushes harder on my dick… sucking
me… fuck… I hear something drop downstairs…
remember there are other people here… shit…
shit… I squeeze the metal bars… my fingers hurting…
but I need something… to take my mind… off…
of… (the sound of his sucking the smell of his
sweat the scratch of his teeth the wet disgusting
slimy sensation of his mouth his rough fingers
holding the backs of my thighs pulling me to
him…)
Christ… oh… fuck… I just close my eyes and
think of a million other things and I finally
cum… and there’s no fucking satisfaction… there’s
nothing… nothing at all… just… a fucking rush
of wet out of me… a fucking nothing… no release…
only pent up frustration and a feeling of…
He stands up in front of me… and looks at me…
like he’s going to kiss me… but I step back…
not my lips… he’s not touching me… not… anywhere
else… no…
He smiles an ugly smile… just nods his head…
he knew this… knew it would be like this… knew
I would give in… what happened to my pride?
What happened to my confidence? It’s gone… all
gone… for what… for school for respect for doing
it on my own for not letting Brian take care
of me (why not why not why not)…
I never ever ever ever thought I could do this…
and I feel a lump in my throat and holy shit
I can’t fucking lose it now… he’s still looking
at me and I try to pull my lips into some contorted
grin but I just fucking can’t… and he says see
you on the bar tomorrow night sweet ass and
slides his hand down the back of my pants and
holy fucking shit I never even considered that
I might ever have to do this again…
I take a step back and his hand pulls away
from me… and I turn around, swallowing hard…
clearing my throat… squeezing my eyes shut hard…
and when I open them it’s all a blur and I hold
onto the handrail as I go down the steps and
I can’t see… can’t hear… and I swear to God
they are all… fucking… laughing… at me…
I make it outside and I just suck in deep breaths…
and breathe breathe breathe… I can do this…
I can do this… then my breath hitches in my
throat and I run around the corner and hit the
cold brick and slide down on the pavement and
fucking let it all out… I don’t know… I thought
it would be worth it thought I could do it thought
it wouldn’t be any different than letting someone
suck me off in the back room of Babylon… but
that means nothing… and this means something…
and I asked for it, knew it, didn’t say no…
Christ… what… I swallow a sob… pushing the
palms of my hands against my eyes… Christ… I…
the tears don’t stop… but I try not to make…
any sound… because… I… don’t want… to hear myself…
oh God… why… did I do… this…
Holy fuck… no one can… ever… ever… know… and
Brian… oh Christ… I love him… what have I done
what have I done what have I done…
Deep breath… okay… suck it in… deep breath…
okay… deep breath… okay… I wipe my nose with
the back of my sleeve… brush away the tears…
I can’t cry over this. It makes it too important.
I have to pretend it was nothing.
I have to pretend it didn’t happen.
It didn’t happen.
Nothing happened.
Nothing…
I get home in a cab and climb the stairs to
the loft. I stand outside for a minute… breathe…
breathe… breathe… I’m okay… breathe… nothing…
breathe… happened…
I push open the door to the loft… and he’s
there… and… and… what the fuck did I do what
the fuck did I do what the fuck did I do…
BRIAN’S POV
Aw, Christ… what the fuck did he do…
Shit… I know damn well what he did.
Fuck… stupid little prick… fucking stupid shit…
he should know better… he oughta know better…
he MUST know better…
He comes in and kisses me… just touches my
lips with his… softly… he smells like cigarettes
but that’s it… I smile at him… a fake grin…
can’t let him know…
He walks into the bedroom and pulls off his
clothes… I watch him as he goes into the bathroom
and I hear the sound of the shower…
At least he has the decency to clean himself
after whatever the fuck he let that asshole
Gary do to him tonight. I just hope he didn’t
fuck him. God, Justin… please don’t let me find
out that asshole fucked you. It would never
be the same again.
But…
I can’t be mad… can’t be… not his fault… wait…
of course it’s his fault. He could’ve caved.
Could’ve taken the money from me… instead… instead…
he’d rather… Jesus… half of me wants to go in
there and hold him and tell him that it’s okay…
and the other half… the angry half… the part
of me that says shitty things I never mean,
the part of me that I’m working so goddamn hard
to push away, the part of me that I never ever
want to show Justin again… that part of me wants
to throw him to the bed and fuck him so goddamn
hard and remind him I’m here and I care and
I don’t want him fucking anyone else without
me. That he shouldn’t ever. That he’s too fucking
important. No… that *we’re* too fucking important.
But…
Of course that’s not what I will do.
I turn off the computer and lock the door…
the shower is still running and I consider joining
him… giving in to the part of me I want to listen
to… I slip my head into the bathroom and see
him standing there… his back to me… holding
his head in his hands… through the steamy glass
I can just make out his shoulders shaking… he
drops his hand and at first I think he’s jacking
off… but then I realize he’s got a cloth in
his hand and he’s rubbing it on his dick… fucking
scrubbing at it… he’s quiet… so quiet… doesn’t
want me to hear…
I step back out of the bathroom and leave him…
I know he doesn’t need to see me…
I strip off my clothes and lie on top of the
sheets… ready for our goodnight fuck… I almost
can’t sleep anymore without it… every night
he’s in my bed… every night he’s here with me…
every night I touch him before I go to sleep
and I sleep better than I ever have before in
my whole life… I love sleeping with him, love
sleeping next to a warm body with legs and arms
that wrap around me… cover me… hold me…
But… fuck…
It makes me feel sick that he’d rather do…
whatever the fuck it was that he did… he’d rather
do that than take money from me… Christ… what
the fuck is wrong with him. I don’t know how
else to say it, what else to say….
He won’t listen to me.
He comes into the bedroom… hair all askew,
skin pink from the shower… he’s naked and a
bit damp… his face and eyes are so red… Justin…
I know…
He tries to smile when he sees me waiting…
and I roll onto my side… he climbs into bed
beside me… and lies on his side… and we stare
at each other a minute and his eyes drop a second
and he swallows hard… clears his throat… sniffs…
I won’t torture him anymore… I pull him to me…
holding him so tight… I roll onto my back and
he slides on top of me… between my legs… and
I slide my ankles over his and hold him tightly
to my chest… his wet hair in my face smelling
like shampoo and Christ… he starts shaking and
shaking and I want him to stop. Can’t bear to
see him like this… it’s too much… why did he
do this so soon after… he’s hardly got his legs
back from the bashing… and he does this… takes
10 fucking steps backwards… Jesus Christ… and
the worst of it is… the worst of is… the worst
is that I don’t know… that I can’t stop myself
from wondering… it doesn’t matter… but… but…
“Justin…” I whisper… I say it so quietly into
his hair…
He doesn’t answer… doesn’t stop moving… his
breath comes in gasps… fuck…
I have to ask… have to ask… don’t know why
I want to know… but I do I do I do I do…
I whisper again… let out a sigh as I speak…“Did
he fuck you?”
He stops… freezes in my grasp… holding me tight…
then lets go… pushing my arms away, wriggling
out of my hold… sliding off me… getting away
from me… I catch his face… his eyes red… face
a blank canvas… nothing… oh shit… what…
“You think I would do that?” he practically
shouts at me as he rolls onto his stomach… then
faces away from me…
I push out a deep breath and prop myself up
on my elbow. “No… but…”
“But what,” he mumbles.
“But I know how it works, Justin. I’m not stupid.”
He lifts his head and looks at me… my heart
breaks at the pain there…
He shakes his head and closes his eyes… I cannot
fucking stand to see him cry… I hate it hate
it hate it…
“No…” he says so quietly. “Not that.” He drops
his head to the bed… not looking… not seeing…
just… I don’t know… fucking not there.
“It doesn’t matter,” I say… lying like the
shit I am. Of course it matters. If it didn’t
matter I would’ve let that asshole at the hotel
suck me off and I would’ve walked away with
50 grand in my pocket. Instead… I just walked
away. But Justin doesn’t know about that… never
needs to know about that…
I put my palm over his back and slowly lower
my hand… don’t touch… I feel the warmth pushing
from his skin… radiating into my hand… I want
to touch him… I want to hold him… I want to
protect him but he won’t let me.
I just drop my hand onto his back softly and
rub it in slow circles around his skin.
He keeps his eyes squeezed so tightly shut.
Trying not to cry and I thank him for that.
“It doesn’t matter,” I say again… hoping if
I keep repeating it, he’ll believe me… that
I’ll believe me…
Godammit… it’s times like these… like the night
of the… the… prom… like the night when he got
King of Babylon and I saw him fucking in the
back room… like when he was fucking screaming
at that ass Chris on Liberty Avenue… when I
found him in New York… when he told his dad
he was never coming home again… when… when…
when… a million fucking times since I first
saw him… and I think… what did I do… what did
I do to make this fucking scared kid into this…
a man who won’t back down… a man who won’t give
up… a man who is so fucking proud… and who has
taught me more than anyone I’ve ever met… but…
in return he’s learned so much more than he
ever needed to know… Christ… he shouldn’t know
about half the fucking things he does… should
be discovering them on his own… not having them
shown and taught to him by me… by someone so
much more experienced… and… fuck… it’s times
like these that I wonder why why why… and what
have I taken from him… and I wonder why I was
so fucking compelled to cross the street and
take him home with me that night…
But then… but then… I think… what if I hadn’t?
And what if someone worse had come along and
fucked him and didn’t take time and kicked his
ass out on the street after he’d had him… or
worse yet… what if someone had… shit… don’t
even want to think about it.
Tonight… I want him to know… that… that…
I sit up and climb onto his back, sliding my
knees on either side of his hips, resting my
ass on his lightly… I put my hands on top of
his… and lean in over him… I can see wetness
around his eyes and I know he’s holding back
for me… I kiss him softly on the side of his
face and touch my lips to his ear…
“It doesn’t matter,” I whisper… breathing on
him… just touching him… inhaling him… “Okay?”
He moves his head just a tiny bit… nodding…
letting me tell him… what’s right… letting me
teach him… how to pretend… that nothing happened.
I slide my tongue out and touch his ear… running
it along the edge… and despite… his pain… it
tickles him… I know… and his mouth falls open…
he sucks in a gasp… and I know I’ve got him…
I nibble on his ear… pulling it between my lips…
licking it…
“Just… relax,” I say, and sit up on him, releasing
his hands and putting my fingers on his shoulders…
pushing my palms across his skin… the muscles
in his back are so tense and I just want him
to let go… to forget it… to feel better… because
I know… I know… I know exactly how this feels…
He sighs deeply… and I keep touching him… rubbing
his skin… pushing across him heavily… my lips
find his neck… so soft… smells so good… and
I breathe him in… lick at the soft hairs at
the back of his neck… run my tongue along his
hairline… his hair is longer now and I like
it… he looks older… looks more mature… I bury
my nose in his hair… kissing him lightly…
My lips brush lower on his neck… find his shoulders…
lick him lightly… then his spine… and he sighs
suddenly… and I feel him get less tense… a little
bit more relaxed… and I keep running my tongue
down his back… inching lower on him… till… till...
my tongue slides into the dimple at the top
of his ass… and I stop… and I grab one of the
small pillows and I lift his hips and slide
it under him… he moves around a little… adjusting
his dick… and humps the pillow a few times…
soft… the muscles in his ass moving… and he
knows what I’m going to do… and grabs another
pillow and bunches it under his head… hugging
it… squeezing it… and I climb between his legs…
pushing his apart… wide… opening him to me…
letting him trust me…
My tongue is back in position… finds the top
of his crack… and I just let it glide over his
cheeks… not going in… just brushing across the
skin… and I keeping sliding until I hit the
base of his balls and I wet my tongue and lick
him right behind his sac and he lets out a long
sigh… I know he likes this… and just lick him
slowly there… rubbing my tongue around… slowly
inching up towards his hole…
Finally I get there and I pull his cheeks apart
and kiss his hole so lightly… a tiny touch of
my lips to him… and he sucks in a breath… and
squeezes the pillow in his arms… his hips move
up just a tiny little bit… and I make my tongue
really wet… make sure it’s hot and dripping
and… and… I just… oh… barely touch him… the
most subtle touch… and a drop of spit slides
off my tongue and drips onto his hole… and I
flick my tongue out again… just a brush against
him… he gasps… struggling with each breath…
and it thrills me… to know I’m making him so
hot… it makes me warm inside and I just want
to make him cry with pleasure…
I let my lips rest on his cheeks… pushing hot
air out of my throat onto his hole… then slide
my tongue out again… grazing back and forth…
then I make full contact, licking him… and he
groans in release… letting out the breath he’d
been holding in… pushing it from his lungs…
he just collapses… letting go of everything…
I know he loves this… and I hope it’s enough
to make him forget… I let my tongue slide across
him, lick, lick, lick… he starts this low moaning
and I know he’s on his way to fucking heaven…
I hold my tongue on his hole for a second then
wriggle it a little and slip in… sliding in
him deeper… he shudders… a deep shake that starts
in his spine and I can feel it all over him…
he doesn’t stop and he starts just whimpering
and I think he’s crying again… fuck… I slide
my tongue out and raise myself over him… whisper
in his ear…
“Do you want me to stop?’
“Don’t you fucking dare…” he says back… cocky
son-of-a-bitch that he is… and yet his face
is wet with tears and I don’t know why… he’s
moving his hips… humping the pillow under him…
hugging the pillow in his arms… not opening
his eyes… mouth open… and I want to fuck him
so badly right now but even more I want to make
him cum… so… fucking… hard…
I run kisses down his back as I slide down
him… brushing my wet lips across his ass… then
I pull his cheeks apart and slowly lower my
tongue to his hole… I make contact and don’t
stop… wriggling it around until I’m in and pushing
in him deeper… until my nose is against his
crack and I’m fucking buried in him… tongue
fucking him hard… he smothers his face in the
pillow… and he’s practically screaming with
it… fucking dying… and that’s it…
I grip his hips and pull him up enough to release
his trapped dick… my fingers find him and I
pull on his cock in long, firm strokes, never
stopping the assault on his hole with my tongue…
he’s shaking and bursting and fuck I know how
good he feels and shit I love hearing him so
fucked up like this that he can’t breathe anymore…
Christ my dick is so fucking hard and he’s thrusting
back on me… trying to get more of me in him…
just wait… I’ll give you everything soon…
Then… then… I feel him start pounding around
me… cock jerking in my fist… ass pushing my
tongue out but I hold it in… riding out his
waves… he’s moaning and moaning my name over
and over and fuck me it’s driving me crazy I
have to have him need to have him…
I finally let him go… pulling my tongue slowly
out of him… and climb up his back. I pull him
over on his side gently… he’s panting and begging
me for more more more… reaching for my face
and he twists around and kisses kisses kisses
me… his tongue in my mouth pushing in me… his
breaths still so stuttered… his fingers shakily
pressing against my cheek and I just let him
explore me… biting on my lip… he pulls away
and just looks at me… and I think everything’s
okay…
He turns away from me and lies on his side…
pushing his ass back towards me… I fumble with
a condom and finally get it on… then I wrap
my arms under his… holding him to me tightly…
crossing my arms over his chest… and I slide
in him… fu-u-u-ck… he’s so wet… Christ… I just
want to hold him to me forever… I don’t want
him out there anymore… don’t want him out there
screwing around and fucking up and having to
figure out all this shit on his own… it’s why
I feel like he’s mine… he’s my sonny boy… my
lover… my everything…
God… why can’t I say these things to him…?
Maybe if I could… he’d take my money…
Oh, fuck it… fuck… fuck romanticism. Fuck love.
Fuck this shit. I… I… can’t… can’t… not… yet…
JUSTIN’S POV
Oh… oh… fuck… he’s in me finally… and I’m…
fucking… cumming again… but… this one is quick
and not nearly as fucking mindblowing as before…
oh God… I still get the shivers thinking of
how fucking amazing it was… fuck fuck fuck fuck…
Brian shoots in me… holding me so tight… pulling
me so close to him I can hardly breathe… he
doesn’t make any sound… just deep shuddering
breaths in my ear… his lips touch my neck… and
I tilt my head back for more more more… don’t
want this to stop now… I don’t want him to let
me go…
If he lets me go… I’m alone again… and I’m
left to think about… fuck… me… I know he knows…
and it’s not as bad as I thought… I thought
he wouldn’t want to fuck me, wouldn’t want me
in his bed, wouldn’t understand…
But of course he does.
Of course.
I’m not so stupid as to think that Brian has
never encountered this before in his life… I
don’t think he’d ever take anyone up on it…
but…
God… he’s holding me still… his cock still
hard up my ass… I don’t want him out… I don’t
want him to let go… oh shit… I can’t help it…
it all suddenly comes banging down around me
and I hold my breath and try… try… try… so fucking
hard… I haven’t fucking felt like this… for
a long… time… since… school was going to shit…
and it all seemed so hopeless…
But fuck… there’s Brian. Always Brian.
Helping me holding me fucking me giving me
everything he has… except… the one goddamn thing
I need more than anything else right now. If
only he could… give me… just… what I need… I’m
stupid… but I need it… I’m fucking ridiculous…
but I need it… to wash away this filthy feeling…
to make it go away… and if he said it… then
maybe I would know… that it might be okay to
take what I need from him… but if he doesn’t
care enough to say it… or if he can’t say it…
then… I can’t take it from him…
Brian please… please… please… please… please…
please…
He still doesn’t let go of me… won’t let go…
can’t let go… it’s too much and not enough at
the same time… just like Brian… just like this…
too much and not enough…
I gained one thing… but what did I lose… don’t…
I tell myself… fucking want to scream it… don’t
think about what I lost… I lost nothing… there
was nothing to lose… I have everything. I’m
still the same (no I’m not, no I’m not not not
anymore)…
Fuck… I can pretend. It’s okay. He said it
was. He’ll let me pretend nothing happened.
And I will.
Nothing happened.
Nothing.
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