JUSTIN’S POV

I’m such a fucking idiot... I shake my head again... thinking how stupid I am...

And laugh at myself...

For a second...

Because if I stop to think about it... it might just...

Might just... make sense...

And it doesn’t make sense, so there’s no reason to think about it. Seriously. At all.

I focus on what I’m doing... focus on dragging the stylus across the screen... focus on... making this a fucking good poster... making this... look professional and something that Br- fuck... something that I can be proud of. Me.

And... I’m not going to think about... the little... leap in my stomach or the way my neck started to prickle or the red flush I felt burning my cheeks... when I saw Brian standing in front me today at the diner... with his “proposition”...

I put the stylus down for a second and cover my face in my hands and let out a laugh... hoping Ethan doesn’t hear...

It’s not funny... just makes me feel funny, I guess...

And I’m embarrassed, because Brian knew damn well what I was thinking.

Maybe... I wanted to think that for a second... and it makes me wonder... what the fuck does that prove?

Nothing. All it proves is that... Brian is fucking gorgeous and... even more so when he wants you to do something for him... I know that one, for sure... little smile... heavy-lidded gaze... just keeps looking at you until... you give in...

Which I did. More because I wanted him to just go away than anything else. I have fucking final projects coming out my ass and Ethan already complains that I don’t spend enough time with him, between classes and work...

But I couldn’t have that gaze on me for one more second.

And I need the money. Bad. Ethan says he’s got rent covered, but fuck me if I’m going to be looked after again. Been there. Done that. Made me feel helpless and... I don’t like that. I’m better than that.

I’m starting to learn that now.

So now I’m going to be up all night finishing this poster and hoping that Ethan doesn’t get pissed at me for not going to the movie with him tonight.

While I draw, I listen to him behind me on the phone... sometimes it’s like another language... all these people and things that he knows are so different, and it makes me think about how I really don’t know him that well... and how he really doesn’t know me that well... and if it were under any other circumstance, there is no fucking way that I would be moving in with a guy that I’d only known for a couple months. Not really very smart. Not really a good way to start a relationship.

But it happened so fast... leaving Brian and moving in here with Ethan and sometimes... my whole life with Brian seems like a thousand years ago and I don’t even really remember the person I was when I was with him...

And then sometimes I feel like nothing ever changed and I lose myself and I look forward to going to Babylon and dancing with Brian and getting wasted and playing around and going to the loft and getting fucked till I can’t see straight...

Then I remember that’s over and this has started.

Another life. A totally different life. Full of so much love and affection I almost feel a little... maybe a little... suffocated...

But this is what I wanted... someone to need me... someone to love me... in the open... and not care about what other people think... in fact, want other people to know that we’re together and I’m off limits for anyone else... that I’m taken... totally... taken...

And living here is okay... I was fucking spoiled at Brian’s, with the maid and laundry service and grocery delivery and take out for dinner all the time... but I know how to clean a toilet and wash dishes and do laundry. And I don’t have to have hot showers all the time. And I like cooking. And... there are lots of great things about being here with Ethan...

Things I never thought I’d ever have with Brian...

Ethan pays attention to me... he wants me here... I’m never in his way or taking up his space or being in his face or wasting his time or asking him questions I know he doesn’t want to answer... and Ethan always rubs my shoulders and kisses my cheek and hugs me and tells me I’m amazing and beautiful and that he loves me over and over and over and over...

But... it feels different than I thought it would...

Just feels different, that’s all...

Ethan’s talking to his friend Collier, then talking to me and I snap out of my art-induced concentration... he’s asking me if I’m going with him to Collier’s party, and I just throw back some joke about why I’d rather not... I shouldn’t be such a smart ass, because I’ve never even met the guy, but it just comes bursting out.

“Tell him I’d rather eat shit and die,” I say, laughing, like it’s a joke.

Course, I’m not joking... I don’t want to go... and it’s not like I can explain it to Ethan.

I don’t really know what it is... except this... feeling I get in the pit of my stomach... since... since last year... I don’t really feel safe being in crowds unless I know that... well, I know that Brian is there.

And that’s stupid. Because Brian can’t look after me forever. Christ, Brian can’t even look after me this second.

I can go to Babylon, I can go to Woody’s, I can go to parties with friends, I can go anywhere, no problem... if I know that Brian is there. Looking out for me. Making me feel safe. Because Brian understands WHY I feel like I do... Brian doesn’t question it, Brian doesn’t make me, Brian just lets me go home or takes me home.

Let me go home or took me home. Past tense.

After... what happened... at the prom... whenever I have to be in a crowd... well... more specifically, a crowd of straight people... I get uneasy. Going to that fucking party of Daphne’s was brutal. I hated every minute of it... which is probably why I ended up fucking that stupid kid, when I knew I really shouldn’t have. Never mind what else I did that night that I shouldn’t have.

I don’t want to talk to Ethan about it... I don’t want to tell him about it... I don’t want him to think he has to look after me, or take care of me, or protect me from anything. I need to figure out how to deal with this myself... but it doesn’t mean I’m going to like it. Doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy.

He hangs up the phone and rags on me for being anti-social, but whatever. I just throw it back at him and tell him the other truth... I mean, what the fuck do I know about foreign films and classical music? I know art... and I know... all the shit that Brian and me and the guys used to talk about. Movies and fashion and clubs and comics and DJs and TV shows and... I don’t know... just shit.

Christ... I miss some of those conversations... standing at the bar at Babylon, hanging around a pool table at Woody’s, chowing down on a post-club burger at the diner... talking about nothing... but I always had something to say.

Now I feel like I don’t have anything to say at all. And Ethan says it all for me anyway.

He notices the poster I’m working on, and I tell him about the money and he asks how I got the job... and before I can stop myself, the lie is out of my mouth.

“Someone I know,” I say, innocently.

But Ethan doesn’t buy it. He knows exactly who would give me this kind of job, and possibly why Brian would want to ask me... and I play coy and ignorant, because the very same thought went through my head...

Although I’d like to think that, I know inside that nothing could be further from the truth. Brian Kinney try and win anything back? He never really wanted me in the first place, why would be want me now?

Besides, I’m with Ethan now.

I keep telling everyone over and over and over.

I’m with Ethan.

Fuck Brian and all his shit and tricking and going out every night and never loving me...

I’m with Ethan.

I spin around in my chair and look him in the eye. “I wanna be with you,” I say to him... say it like I’ve always wanted to say it to someone else... say it... knowing that the person I’m saying it to wants to hear it... say it... knowing that I’ll hear it returned... a hundred times over...

But Ethan surprises me this time...

“Prove it,” he says... standing a few feet away from me, arms behind his back... waiting for something.

I laugh... he’s gotta be joking... “I’m not gonna prove it,” I say. I’ve got nothing to prove to him. I’ve given up everything I had to be here. That’s enough proof, isn’t it?

But then he kind of pushes my face, and urges me on... “C’mon,” he says... waiting...

I don’t know what else to say, but spout out some ridiculous lines... and then it hits me what he really wants me to say... and I haven’t yet... really said it... seriously...

But...

I can’t say it. I... just can’t say... “I love you”... seriously... and mean it... really mean it...

The only person I ever wanted to say those words to before...

Well...

All I know is that I don’t feel the same way about Ethan that I did about Brian...

That I...

Maybe still do feel... about Brian...

And what does that prove?

Nothing...

Proves nothing.

I push Ethan back on the bed and give him the best fucking blow job of his life. That oughta prove whatever he wants me to prove. For now anyway.

ETHAN’S POV

I feel fucking dizzy and euphoric... Christ... Justin gives the best fucking head I’ve ever had in my whole life...

I try to sit up, my heart still pounding fast in my chest after just cumming, but Justin pushes me back to the bed and kisses me hard... and I love that I can taste me in him... me on his tongue, me on his skin, me everywhere...

I fumble with the buttons of his pants, undoing them, and pushing them over his hips, taking his underwear with them... and then our cocks are pressed together, mine still wet with his spit and we slide together and he doesn’t stop kissing me and I hear the rustle of a condom and then he’s inside me and we’re moving together like one and he makes love to me and I lose myself in it all... let myself go and run my fingers through his hair and when he cums I look at him and realize that I love him so goddamn much I can’t even ever try to explain it... 

God... I can’t lose him... can’t ever lose him...

He slides out of me and rests his head on my chest... panting a little... I wrap my arms and legs around him... holding him to me... breathing in the scent of his hair... wanting to be with him forever... and ever...

We lie still for a little... just breathing... and I wonder where his mind is... and I just fucking hope that it’s on me... just fucking hope more than anything else that... that stupid Brian is out of his life forever...

I hate that they’re still friends... that’s just wrong... you can’t be friends with someone that... fucked you... and fucked you over... and... it just makes me think that there was so much more between Brian and Justin than what he told me... that there is so much more that he will never tell me...

I saw him get, I don’t know, nervous, I guess, when he told me... actually... when he lied to me about who gave him the job. I’m not stupid... I can figure it out.

And if that fucker is trying to get Justin back... I don’t know what I will do... what I can do... all I have to offer Justin is me... I have no money, no fancy clothes, and I’m not as tall as Brian or as good looking as Brian... I have this fucking mess of curly hair that will never do what I want... and I live in this shit hole... that’s so much better now that Justin’s here... but...

All I have is my love for him.

All I have is... this... feeling... that fucking hurts inside because I love him so much. It’s like this ache... and when I look at him all I know is that I’m so happy he’s here... I think I’m the luckiest man in the world to have this... beautiful... amazing... gorgeous boyfriend... and he’s so talented... and smart... and... he’s everything I ever wanted...

He’s perfect for me.

We’re perfect for each other.

Well... I think so, anyway...

I don’t know what Justin thinks. I can’t tell... and when I let myself feel insecure and I say stupid things like “prove it”... prove you want to be with me... prove you love me... he never really does... and... that makes me feel even worse...

And when he doesn’t want to meet my friends or go out with me all the fucking time... it makes me feel like...

I don’t know.

There’s something else going on with him. Something that I’m not meant to know.

And I’m torn between trying to just enjoy the time we’re together, and trying to figure out what’s going on. Pushing him for answers. Nagging at him for the truth.

He pushes himself off my chest and I reluctantly release him... he smiles at me and I feel like I’ll die... he kisses me... I put my hand on his cheek... and... stare at him... and realize how much I rely on him... how much I need him...  

“What?” he says, laughing a little.

“I didn’t say anything,” I say, surprised...

“You’re looking at me funny,” he says back.

“I love you Justin... did I tell you that today?” I wrap my hand around his neck and pull him to me for a kiss.

He nods and smiles at me... fuck... that smile...

“Okay,” he sighs deeply. “I have to get back to work,” he pulls out of my embrace and off the bed, discarding the condom and getting dressed again.

I lie back and watch him.

And don’t think about how...

I don’t really feel like...

Anything’s been proven to me.

BRIAN’S POV

I watch him crossing the dance floor... walking away from me... weaving his way through the crazy crowd at the Carnivale... 

Christ... he still makes me smile...

Even though I hurt inside...

Because I want to touch him...

And I know I don’t have that right anymore...

The only one... I can’t touch...

Is the one I want the most...

All I think about these days... is him...

Think about that benefit... think about Justin... about what he can do... what he can help with...

Think about jerking off so Lindsay and Mel can have another kid... think about Justin... the night we met... the night my son was born and I got a two-for-one deal...

Think about getting a new car... think about Justin in the Jeep... think about... all those nights together... how many times I drove him to school... how many times he sucked my cock in the front seat... how many times we fucked in the back...

Maybe getting rid of the Jeep will get rid of the memories.

Fat chance.

Besides... I don’t wanna forget anymore...

Just wanna make new memories.

I know I’m making it worse for myself by bringing him back into my life over and over again...

But then I already decided... I’d look out for him. So... that’s what I’ll do. Feed him little jobs where I can... I know he needs the money... make sure he’s... taken care of.

I have no animosity towards him. He wanted something else. Something I’m not prepared to give. Fuck, I don’t even think I can give it.

So. He’s gone of his own free will. And spending time with that... kid. Whatever-the-fuck his name is.

Though... when Justin showed up tonight... hmph... I’ll admit I felt good. Couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. He came.

He came.

Alone.

Wanted to sweep him into my arms like a thousand times before and kiss him and drag him to the dance floor and thread my fingers through his hair and rub our cocks together and do everything I keep thinking of all fucking day long...

But...

Don’t have that right anymore.

I can’t make that decision for him.

I dump the trick that’s hanging off my elbow and walk out the exit doors... feeling a bit better than I have for the last few weeks... knowing it’s going to be okay... knowing that even if I can’t fuck him... or even if I can’t touch him... I can still look at him... and make sure he’s okay.

Some people would say that the way I feel proves that maybe I did love him.

Maybe I do love him.

But... proof is nothing. Proof is useless. If it’s after-the-fact.

This kind of proof is worthless to us both now.