BRIAN’S POV

I push closed the loft door and hear the whine of the elevator as it takes Stockwell and Gardner away. Far away from me... from this place they never should’ve been... from my home, my life, my privacy...

Swallow hard... shake my head... put my hand to my face to see if I’m still really here... like maybe this could be some fucking nightmare... and maybe I’ll wake up...

But no...

My eyes find Justin’s... and he just looks at me... but... he’s not scared... or nervous... he just has this look of finality to him. Like he knew this was going to happen... maybe not like this, but he knew it was going to happen somehow... some way...

I guess we both knew it was inevitable.

Both knew we couldn’t play this hidden game much longer... knew that we couldn’t keep up our silent protest forever...

And now it’s over. Something’s over... not sure what...

Just feel this white heat course through my spine... goosebumps on my exposed flesh... cold sweat... breaking out on my upper lip and neck...

And Justin just keeps looking at me...

“Wanna finish?” I ask him... laughing bitterly... don’t know if I’m kidding or not... don’t know if my soft dick could ever get hard again... after this...

He blinks... then lets the cushion covering him fall open... and he keeps staring at me... I stumble over to him... feeling the soles of my feet grow damp with something that I don’t even know what to call it... not fear... not anxiousness... not... apprehension... just...

Finality.

My knees suddenly give out a little, and I feel shaky... start to bend over uneasily, but Justin grabs me and guides me to the floor... I lie back on the cushion beside him and stare up at the ceiling...

Numb...

Totally... completely... numb...

I expect him to say something... anything... there’s just this fucking silence in the loft... this... dead space where moments ago there were pants and grunts and all the sounds of fucking... and now... there’s...

Nothing...

But he doesn’t say anything...

What the fuck is there to say?

What the fuck could anyone possibly say?

He lies on his side, his hands curled under his head, knees pulled up to his chest... his shins pressed hard against my torso... I roll over and mimic his position... our knees pressed together...

We just look at each other.

Something happened.

Something is over.

Maybe everything is over.

And all I can do now is try to remember how to breathe.

JUSTIN’S POV

There’s a million things I could say... but nothing I should say... I wanna apologize, I wanna ask him what he’s gonna do, I wanna tell him I’m proud, that I’m glad this happened... I wanna tell him it’s not that bad, that there are worse things, I wanna tell him that I’m here and he can talk to me... I wanna tell him all that but most of all I wanna tell him that I love him...

But... I don’t think he wants any of that right now...

Don’t think... he needs any words right now... 

But... I know he needs me.

I roll onto my back... spread my legs wide...

He pulls the old condom off his dick and puts on a new one... and slides between my legs...

Doesn’t enter me at first... just lies between my thighs... I wrap my ankles around him... holding him to me... he puts his palms on either side of my face... looking into my eyes... I just look back... we stare at each other... I run my fingers up and down his arms...

He smiles a little... one corner of his mouth lifting into a sad grin... and kisses me... a soft brush of the lips... tenderly... lovingly... protectively...

I lift my head to kiss him harder, but he presses his forehead against mine and my head falls back to the cushion... I feel him shivering beneath my fingers, but it’s not cold in here... not at all...

Our mouths find each other again... tongues lapping out to touch... to taste... just soft kisses... comfortable... warm... familiar... no urgency... nothing frantic...

We have the whole night...

We have forever...

His lips pressing against mine... our breath passing from one throat to the other... I can almost forget that... what just happened... actually happened...

But I open my eyes... and though Brian’s are closed... his brow is furrowed together... worry etched across his face... I put my palm on his forehead... push his head back a little to break our kiss...

He looks startled... awoken... but... I need him to focus on me... not on the battle raging inside his head...

I smooth over the wrinkles on his forehead with my thumb... they start to disappear under my touch... his face softens again... he loses his thought... I get him back with me...

I lift my hips a little and push my arm between us, positioning his dick at my hole... open myself wide to him... completely relax... he slides inside me in one movement... filling me up... and I feel safe with him inside... I feel comfort... with him inside... with us joined together... feel strong and like nothing can touch us...

He buries his face in the crook of my neck... his end of day stubble rough against my cheek... his breath leaving a pocket of warmth against my throat... we move together slowly... his fingers slide under my head and tangle in my hair... I wrap my arms tightly around him... cross my ankles over his hips...

Rock... slowly... together...

Nothing... else... matters...

It’s my only thought since he took me into his arms again...

Nothing... else... matters...

But I know this is much bigger for Brian... much bigger than I could imagine right now... bigger than I could understand...

I just want him to know I’m here...

He lifts himself up a little, and kisses me again... slows his hips until he almost stops fucking me... stops all movement... just stays inside me... breathing deeply... his muscles shuddering in his arms as he holds himself over me...

I put my hands on his face... kiss his cheeks... kiss his eyelids... kiss his nose... he has no expression... his mouth drops open a little... I tip my hips up again... and he moves deeper inside me... then withdraws... deeper... then out... the rhythm starting again... I suck in a sharp breath... feels so fucking good... feels... more amazing than anything...

We fuck until we’re both so close to the edge... riding... that plane between pleasure and ecstasy... my leaking dick trapped between us... my hard balls against his pelvis...

And he slows again... lays his chest on top of mine... his weight heavy on me... pushing the air from my lungs... I press him to my body... my hands on the back of his neck... fingers weaving through his hair... we pause... my body... throbbing around him... my heart hammering in my chest... so aware of his dick inside me... my cock... slick with sweat and pre-cum... crushed between us...

But all I feel is his breathing on my neck... his face buried in the crook of my shoulder... his heart beating against mine... I turn my face a little and kiss his ear... licking around the hard outer ridge... nibbling the soft cartilage...

He moves his head towards me... the stubble on our cheeks brushing together with the sound of sandpaper... till our mouths are together... touching... so softly... tongues reaching out... to caress the other... he raises himself up off my chest... our lips never parting... never pulling apart...

His hips move into me again... guiding me... to where he wants to take me... keeps sending me to the edge... then backing off... prolonging this for an eternity... forever... the intensity building, building, building until we can’t stop... can’t stop it from happening... can’t stop what’s inevitable... what’s meant to happen...

I don’t want to hold on anymore... don’t want to resist anymore... and I see the edge... and let myself fall off... let go... release... waves of bliss washing over me... my cock spurting cum between our bodies... feel my dick against my stomach... throbbing... burning... on fire... I tip my head back... let the cries leave my throat... gripping his arms... squeezing his skin between my fingers...

His kisses fall on my neck... then he lifts his head... our stomachs sliding together in my cum... pleasure... echoing in my body... like a memory... that I’ll never forget... his eyes scrunch together... mouth drops open... a few sharp thrusts inside me... and then he’s gone too... followed me into release...

Followed me here... he falls on top of me... panting into my hair...

We both got too close to the edge... played a dangerous game unlike anything we’ve ever done before... it was impossible for us to keep on playing on that precipice forever...

And it was... inevitable... predictable... expected... that eventually... we would both just... slip off...

BRIAN’S POV

Every time I think the shaking has stopped... the cold shivers zipping up and down my spine... the... uncontrollable quiver in my stomach... that builds and builds and builds... till it busts out my chest and throat and makes my teeth clunk together...

Every time I think it’s stopped...

Another wave hits me...

And Justin presses his palm to my chest... I don’t even think he’s really awake anymore... I think he’s doing it unconsciously... just pushing down against me... as if he could somehow stop it... could somehow calm my nerves... break through the tension in my muscles...

I feel his soft dick against my leg... feel his pubes brushing against the hair on my thigh... so aware of his knee across mine... his stomach slowly moving in and out as he breathes... touching my side... my breathing falling in time with his... his hand... palm down... fingers wide open on my chest... his other hand curled under his head...

The thin blanket covering us... barely protects us from the cold... and I know we should get up and go to bed... and I know that I’ll be stiff tomorrow from sleeping on this cushion on the floor...

But I can’t move... I don’t think I remember... how to move...

I feel like I’ve screwed up... like... I let myself get taken in by my own cockiness... let myself believe my own words too full of self-confidence... my own fucking bullshit...

But... shit... how bad can it be... really... I mean... there is little they can do to me...

What’s the worst that can happen...

My jaw clenches at the thought...

So I lose my fucking job... the job... I’ve worked my ass off for... the job I gave up... so much for...

Just a job...

Just... a fucking... job...

Breathe in... breathe out... I know how to do this...

Breathe in... breathe out...

Just... a... job...

Another shake overtakes me and Justin presses his hand to my chest again...

I turn my head to the side... our foreheads brush together... our noses touch... we share breath... his fingers stroke my chest...

“Just try and go to sleep, Brian,” he whispers... and I realize he’s still awake...

“You go to sleep...” I say back...

I feel him laugh through his nose... a sharp burst of air against my lips...

“Can’t,” he says, his eyes closed...

I shake my head a little, our foreheads sliding together... “Me neither.”

“Then we’ll just lie here all night,” he says... holding back a yawn.

“Yep,” I close my eyes and put my hand on top of his on my chest, rubbing my thumb across his fingers.

He sighs softly... “Okay then,” he whispers and presses closer to my body... like he’s trying to meld us together... push us into becoming one being...

“Okay.”

His fingers stroke my chest...

My thumb rubs across his fingers...

And we lie there.

JUSTIN’S POV

Mmmm........ smells... like morning in the loft... coffee... Brian’s aftershave...

I open my eyes... feel the kink in my neck from sleeping without a pillow... stretch out on the cushion on the floor we slept on all night... musta slept a little I guess... didn’t think I could... didn’t think I’d ever sleep again... but I guess I did... I hope Brian did a little too...

Roll onto my stomach... and look up at Brian standing in the kitchen, fully dressed, sipping at a mug of coffee.

“You’re up,” I mumble... trying to wake up... last night barreling back into my head... the reality of what happened... the apprehension of what will happen...

“Wanted to get an early start...” he looks away at these last words, and I struggle to pull myself to my feet... walking into the kitchen naked.

“Should I come with you?” I ask, rubbing my face.

He turns and looks at me for a second... opens his mouth to say something, then takes another sip of his coffee. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, Justin.”

The way he says it just freaks me out... sends a spark of... anxiety through me, and I’m instantly awake.

“Well, what do you think?” I ask, touching his sleeve.

He just shrugs and stares into his mug. “Don’t know... thought I should clean up my shit anyway.”

Fuck... I’ve never seen Brian like this... maybe a few times... when we’d talk about the bashing... but... Jesus Christ... he’s so vulnerable... out of control... 

I pick up my underwear from where Brian tossed it last night, and pull it on, searching for my pants and t-shirt. I’m going in too. Probably will be the last time, and I have some stuff to pick up. I glance at the clock – 6:30. Nobody will be there at this time, not in the art department, anyway.

Brian pours me a cup of coffee and I take a long sip, then put it back down on the counter.

“Ready to go?” I ask and the look he gives me lets me know he’s glad I’m coming with him.

BRIAN’S POV

We drive to the office in silence. Still... nothing to say. It’s nobody’s fault this happened... just a chain of events... a flurry of decisions made that all led to this end result.

Justin holds my hand as we ride up the elevator and his grip is comforting between my fingers. He’s confident and putting on a show of bravado for me, and I love that he is... I need him right now, and I need him to be strong and not asking me a million things he knows I can’t answer. I just need him here.

The doors open and we step into the reception area... I look around, the silence of the office unusual for me in the morning... I typically stay late, not get in early, so to see it brightly lit with sunshine streaming in the windows, and yet no bustle of people running up and down the halls seems eerie.

We walk together until our paths part... he lets go of my hand with a squeeze and heads off to the art department, presumably to pick up the few things he’d collected over the last month or so he’s been working here. While there might be some reprieve from Gardner for me, Justin and I both know that his internship at Vanguard is over.

I flick on the lights in my office... my new office... haven’t even been in it that long... had it redecorated and everything... finally got it all set up the way I like it...

I open up the drawers in my desk and pull out the condom packets and lube and carry them to the men’s washroom to throw in the garbage. Don’t need that shit lying around in case they search my desk. Flick on my laptop and clean out all my emails... there’s not a lot of personal stuff here... I make it my practice to never mix business with personal... to rarely let the two worlds collide... which makes Gardner’s decision to drop by the loft last night even more reprehensible for me. Fuck, in all the years I worked for Ryder, he was never in my home. Even Cynthia, for Christ’s sakes, was there only twice, and she was my assistant for years.

Never mix business with personal. Not a hard rule to live by. But I fucked it up somewhere along the line. Let the business get personal. Took it to heart. Listened to my own bullshit. Played a game that I could never win.

I email home my client lists and other important documents, then clear out the items from my sent mail. Try to think clearly though my heart is pounding 6,000 times a minute and I feel that fucking cold sweat breaking out on the back of my neck again.

There’s a knock at the door and I almost jump to my feet, guiltily, though I’m doing nothing wrong, not really... but Justin sticks his head around the door...

“I’m heading down to the lobby... going to get a coffee...” he trails off.

I nod.

“I’ll be there for a little bit,” he says... we both know what he means – that he’ll be there waiting to see if they can my ass or not. I have little hope that I won’t be joining him downstairs soon. “Just call me... you know...”

He takes a few steps into the office and I step around the desk and kiss him hard on the lips... wrapping my fingers around his neck and through his hair... he hugs me and I feel the shiver start in my stomach again...

But I can control this.

We pull out of each other’s arms and he heads for the door... “I’ll call you,” I say and he nods and pulls the door shut behind him.

Christ... I take a deep breath and get back to the task at hand... I check my watch and am surprised that it’s nearly 8:00 already. Fucking showtime so soon.

I finish rifling through my files and papers until I’m sure that I’ve got everything I need, and that there’s nothing lying around that could ever be construed as incriminating. I’ve done nothing wrong at work. I kept my nose clean on the business side. It’s on the personal that I fucked up. So what else is new?

Slowly I hear voices in the hallway and the sounds of life take over the office. I sit at my desk and stare at the computer screen. Not doing anything. Just staring. Just waiting.

The door bursts open and Cynthia barrels in, stopping in her tracks when she sees me. “Jesus Christ, Brian, you scared the shit out of me,” she breathes out, holding her chest dramatically.

“Came in early,” I mumble, not looking at her.

“What the hell is going on here?” she asks, approaching my desk, holding a handwritten note in her hand. “Gardner dumped this on my desk this morning and told me to tell you to ‘get your ass’ over to his office as soon as you came in.”

She passes me a note and it’s a list of files with the instructions to remove them from my office before I arrived.

Too late on that one.

I stand up and straighten my tie. “It’ll all become clear pretty soon,” I say and pass by her to begin what I hope isn’t my final run of these halls as partner.

I don’t bother knocking on Gardner’s door... instead I barge right in. He didn’t show me any courtesy last night, so why should I show him any now?

“Ah, Brian. Nice to see you’ve found your clothes,” he points at the chair across from his desk.

I reluctantly sit down and Gardner stands up. He starts pacing the office... and finally starts talking. Railing at me about last night, like I knew he would. I don’t know if he’s more angry to find out that I knew who was making the posters or that he found me fucking Justin.

Finally his accusations and berating get too much... I stand up and shout at him to stop, holding my hands wide... open... my white flag.

I have to give in to this now... I have nothing left... I heave a sigh and pull my lips into my mouth.

“What do you want from me?” I ask him... hating the words as they leave my mouth... but knowing that I have to say them.

“I want to know why you would do such a thing,” he asks, his hands open to me.

How can I explain it? How can I tell him? How can I put into words... a feeling... that I don’t even know what it is?

“Sacrifice your future, as well as this agency’s, for what?” he continues.

“You wouldn’t understand,” is all I can muster. All I can say.

He looks at me with disbelief across his face. “Why not?”

Swallow hard. “Because you’re straight,” I say it, loud and clear. It’s the truth.

He just laughs at me, like it’s insignificant... like... it’s nothing. Doesn’t he realize that... it’s who I am? That I can never be anyone different, and that he can never be me, and I can never be him, and this is exactly the fucking problem... the fucking ignorance and intolerance that is making me want to do this in the first place?

But no.

He shakes his head, and says “Whatever the reason... you’ve just fucked yourself out of a job.”

I think... I can’t have heard that. Can’t possibly... have heard that. No expression... no... fucking expression... just take it in... hear it... process it... and leave.

How can I be fired?

“Gardner...” I say... hearing Justin’s voice in my head from when I fired him... (Brian... um... Mr. Kinney....) But this is no intern job. This is my job. This is my career. This is my life.

Or is it?

“Brian... Stockwell has got every right to demand this,” Vance says, taking a step back from me, holding his hands together.

“I fucking brought him here!” I say louder than I intend, and take a step towards Vance.

“And he’s brought you down,” he looks away from me as he says these words, then his eyes find mine again.

Holy fuck, this can’t be happening.

I bite my tongue hard. Don’t... don’t... don’t... “You can’t fire me.” It’s the only sane thing I can think of to say.

“I just did,” Vance replies, holding his hands apart, then clasping them together, rubbing his palms swiftly, as if wiping his hands of this. Of me.

I open my mouth to reply, but nothing comes out. I can’t think of one fucking thing to say. Nothing...

Christ.

He presses the intercom button on his phone to call his secretary. “Julie, can you please get a box from the supply closet and bring it to Mr. Kinney’s office?” he asks then releases the button.

His gaze returns to me. “You have until noon to vacate the premises,” he says and crosses his arms across his chest.

“Fuck that, Gardner. You had no right coming to my home last night... no right to judge me because of who I was fucking... no right to fire me because I’m gay,” I hate to hear these words leave my lips, but Jesus Christ... it’s the truth in my heart.

He shakes his head and takes a step towards me, looking at me like I’m some kind of idiot. “It’s not about that Brian... you can’t possibly think that has anything to do with it.”

“It ALWAYS has something to do with it!” I say loudly, smacking the back of the chair, and sending it spinning against the door.

He presses the intercom again. “Get a security guard in here now,” he barks, not taking his eyes off me.

“I hardly think that’s necessary,” I say... gritting my teeth together. I straighten my tie to gain some semblance of sanity.

“You’re leaving Brian... now,” Gardner says and I hear the door open behind me... then a strong hand around my arm. I yank my arm out of the grip of the security guard.

“Don’t you fucking touch me,” I growl at the guard and push by him and through the door. I storm down the hall for the last fucking time and head towards the elevators, the security guard at my heel. I’m fucking out of here, NOW before I totally, absolutely, lose control. Can’t do that. Can’t fucking do that.

“Stay calm, everyone!” I shout as I pass by the reception desk. “The fucking fag is leaving!”

I punch at the down button, and feel the security guard invading my space. I step away from him, furious at this... fucking... I can’t believe this... it’s so... fucking wrong...

My jaw clenches... my teeth grinding together... my hands ball into fists at my side... I feel my fingernails biting into the palm of my hands...

Can’t fucking lose it here... breathe in... breathe out...

Breathe in... breathe out...

I wait for the elevator doors to open... the longest fucking wait of my life... Cynthia runs up beside me and passes me my jacket and briefcase.

“Brian... I’m so sorry,” she whispers... I can see the tears glistening in her eyes.

I just shake my head and take my things from her hands. I’ll need to call her later when I can see straight and thank her... for everything...

The elevator finally gets here, and I step inside, the security guard stepping in behind me. He stares at me... his eyes burning a hole in the side of my face... my fingers grip the handle of my briefcase... kneading it... over and over... wishing I could fucking let loose with the roar that’s building in my chest... wishing I could haul off and punch this asshole in the face...

But it’s not his fault...

It’s no one’s fault...

*Ding* and we’re in the lobby... the doors slide open and I see the guard at the front desk get to his feet... warned about the crazy queer, I guess... I march by him... see Justin in the peripheral of my gaze jump to his feet and follow...

The guard opens the door and I walk out... Justin follows and the guard shuts the door behind me... Christ, the dramatics are making me sick... the guard stands there and stares at me, as if daring me to try to go back in.

“Went that well, hunh?” Justin says and takes my coat from my sweaty grip.

I see him for the first time... see him standing there, clenching his teeth... staring back at the guard, and I watch as Justin raises his middle finger to the guard behind the glass.

“Fucker,” he says under his breath and takes my hand, leading me down the stairs and away from here...

Away from... this place... I don’t belong anymore...

I steal a glance behind me and see Vance staring out from the glass... fucking staring at me... making sure I’m leaving... leaving this place I worked my ass off for... that I sacrificed hours and days and weeks of my life for...

A fucking job...

A goddamn... fucking... job...

I stop suddenly, pulling Justin back with me... he turns and looks back up the stairs at them... these people who judge us and think they are better than us... these fucking homophobic assholes who think they are so fucking great and so fucking mighty because they ‘accept’ us or ‘tolerate’ us...

Well I don’t fucking accept or tolerate them.

I drop my briefcase and take Justin’s face in my hands... he looks at me wide-eyed... adrenalin coursing through both our bodies... both thinking the same things... both... angry... that this happened...

But it had to happen...

It needed to happen...

I feel the energy pulsing from his body to mine... he puts his hands on my wrists... and I pull him closer to me...

And we kiss...

Right there... in the middle of everything... in front of everyone...

Kiss...

For our victory...

Kiss... for our protest...

Kiss... to show that...

This doesn’t faze me...

Doesn’t make me regret... a fucking thing...

Regret one action, one thought...

Just makes me proud...

Makes me feel...

Victorious...

I slide my fingers around his neck... close my eyes... and block everything else out... his arms wrap around my waist...

I kiss him like we’re on Liberty Avenue... in the middle of Pride...

I kiss him like we’re on the dance floor of Babylon...

I kiss him like we’re at home... alone...

I kiss him like no one’s watching... like no one cares...

I kiss him because I want to... I kiss him... because... I’m so glad he’s here...

I kiss him...

And I kiss him...

And everything else... ceases to matter...

Finally... reluctantly... breathlessly... we part...

I don’t spare a look back towards the building to see if anyone’s still there... I pick up my briefcase... I take Justin’s hand in mine... his cheeks flushed... his hands damp and warm... with pleasure...

He grins at me, and I smile back... a lopsided smile... a fuck-everyone-who’s-watching smile...

“Come on...” I say to him... “I’ll buy ya breakfast.”

JUSTIN’S POV

Fuck... I don’t even know what happened... what could’ve happened... but all I know is that Brian came storming out of Vanguard... fucking raging...

And then he kissed me... and everything was okay...

He took me to some diner near the office and we slid into a booth... I was angry and upset... my hands shaking... but...

Fuck... somehow... this feels right. We did this. Together.

We protested. And I learned something about Brian... and something about me... and...

Nothing else... matters...

I don’t ask him what happened exactly... but he sits there, drinking black coffee and watching me stuff scrambled eggs into my mouth... smiling at me. Just... smiling at me.

Doesn’t say much, except to say that he was fired, not laid off... and that there would be no compensation package. Tells me he’s got some money saved, so it’s no big deal. That he’ll be fine... that we’ll be fine... until he figures out what he’s going to do.

“What are you thinking about doing,” I finally ask him, needing to hear something... needing to know that he’s got some control... some idea...

He rolls his lips into his mouth and grins.

“Thinking about taking some time off,” he says, then laughs bitterly through his nose. “God knows it’s been awhile since I had a vacation.” His smile slowly fades though... I watch as his forehead drops... his curled up lips fall into a slight frown... his eyes... droop... he knows he can’t kid me... can’t... tell me something to placate me...

His shoulders raise then drop in a shrug. “Dunno what I’m going to do,” he finally says... telling me the truth.

I love him too much to tell him bullshit words... to lie and say everything’s going to be okay... when I couldn’t possibly know that...

He gave me that courtesy when I was recovering from the bashing... it’s the least I can do in return...

So I reach over and cover his hand with mine. His eyes watch as my thumb slips under his palm and strokes the soft skin. I see his jaw clench... then release... clench... then release... he clears his throat... and I don’t take my eyes off him.

We sit there in our comfortable silence that we’ve built in our three years together... a silence that says more than words could ever say... a silence that... is ours... is our own... a silence that lets us say things that we could never vocalize... could never say... could never... put to words... because no words could ever do these feelings justice...

So we sit... and stare... and breathe... and...

Don’t say anything.

BRIAN’S POV

I drop Justin off at he and Daph’s place so he can have a shower and get ready for his shift at the diner... I know it’s just a matter of time before the news spreads... before everyone starts calling... to say they’re sorry... I lost my job...

Fuck... but I’m not sorry. Not sorry this happened. Not sorry I followed my heart and Justin and helped with the posters and kept fucking him even though he was the intern... even though I was breaking rules and business policies and knew that I would get caught eventually.

Not fucking sorry at all.

It’s a relief to get home... I kick off my shoes... slide off my tie... strip out of my suit... take a nice long shower... and throw on some jeans and a shirt...

Walk around the loft for a bit... listen to the weekday noises outside that seem so unfamiliar... stare out the window... and... feel amazed at my calm.

Thought my world would be fucking crashing down...

But...

Nope.

I go to the fridge and grab a beer... twist it open and wander over to the couch... sit down... then slide to the floor... kicking out my feet...

Remember the two other times I was sure I was going to lose my job... when that fucking asshole Kip sued me for sexual harassment... and when Ryder sold the agency and Vance took over...

Glad those times happened because I started stashing away some money after that... just in case... so I wouldn’t feel too freaked out... so I knew I’d have a little cushion to fall back on...

I lean my head back on the seat of the couch and stare up at the ceiling...

Thinking...

Fuck... the possibilities... of what I can do now...

This isn’t that bad... not that bad at all...

I mean yeah, I was partner... but... I was also still working for Vance. Would always be working for Vance as long as I was at Vanguard. Maybe I’ll do my own thing now. Maybe I’ll work for myself now.

Maybe... anything.

Maybe...

Fucking...

Anything...

Maybe I’m glad this happened.

Maybe this had to happen.

And fuck... you know... this... wasn’t about me anymore. As much as I don’t want to admit it... this... just wasn’t about me... or getting more money or getting ahead or moving away or... anything like that.

And it wasn’t about trying to do the right thing either... about protesting for rights and arguing that places shouldn’t be shut down... wasn’t about drawing a line in the sand... about putting up posters or holding up signs...

For me... it was about... that feeling... I had... that one night... that sometimes seems like a thousand years ago, but then sometimes seems like last night...

That feeling of...

Loss...

Frustration...

Panic...

Rage...

Fear...

All those emotions rolled up into one fucking giant ball that bowled me over and left me sitting on a fucking hospital bench... covered in Justin’s blood... and crying so hard... I never thought I’d stop... crying like... I’ve never cried for anything or anyone else in my fucking life... feeling my body wracking with each sob... my skin on fire, my eyes burning, my hands balled into fists... and... the sound of the crack of the bat connecting with his skull... ringing over and over and over in my head...

This... was about that feeling.

That feeling of guilt that washed over me, suddenly... without expectation... without warrant...

That feeling of... I shouldn’t have gone to his prom... I shouldn’t have let him believe for one fucking second that it would ever be normal or okay for us to do what we really wanted... for us to be who we are in front of everyone else...

Then the feeling of how fucking unfair everything is... and how this never would’ve happened...

None of it ever would’ve happened...

If we weren’t who we were...

If we weren’t...

The men that we are. The men that we were born to be. The men we will always be.

This... was... about... that feeling.

And I never want to feel like that again.

So maybe this was about Justin.

And maybe it was about me.

And maybe it was about everybody I know, and everybody like me and like Justin...

And maybe this is my protest.

Yeah... this is my protest.