Don’t get me wrong… I like Ben. I mean, I did fuck him… and he’s a hundred times better than that prick David. And while he’s nice to look at… I wish he would fucking keep his mouth shut. He’s saying all this shit about being stood up and I’m trying to give him the vibe that I do not want to fucking hear it (shut up shut up shut up) I don’t want to think about it let alone have my nose rubbed in it… and finally I just leave him… standing against the railing… while he waits for Michael... I don’t do that. I don’t wait. 

Instead… I wander around Babylon… sucking back my beer… moving to hits of Jack Daniels… slide a tab of E in my mouth… on my way to oblivion… just… where… I want… to go… right now…

Feels like old times suddenly… scoping out the scene… checking out the boys… and not looking for Justin… because I know he’s not going to show. And neither is Mikey. They’re lost tonight… each one losing themselves in a passion that far surpasses my desire to be here at Babylon. Justin has art… Mikey has comics… I have fucking. So… while they indulge… I’ll indulge.

I push through the bodies on the dance floor… hmmm… some new faces here… been awhile… since I really looked… for me… I find a boy… dark hair… dark eyes… dark skin… he watches me… wants me… I grab him by the belt loops and he follows me to the back room… and I let him suck my dick.

He’s not bad, but I have to push him away when I’m through… what the fuck… he thinks he can kiss me? Whatever… I get lost again in the sea of bodies… then find myself… with one behind… his dick pressed against my ass… with one in front… his dick pressed against mine… dicks… cocks… everywhere… and the lights flicker and the music fades and it’s time to go home… and I’m taking these boys with me… forgetting that it’s not two years ago… that it’s not my home anymore… that… that… I’m supposed to be waiting for someone who I fucking know will leave me standing here… so I let myself forget…

We climb into a cab and get to the loft… we fall out of the elevator and I put my hand on the door and a wave of nausea hits me because I feel like things are the way they were before… two years ago… I’m alone and back to anonymous fucking… the pleasures of familiarity lost somewhere… one has his hand on my cock and I don’t like it… the other is kissing my neck… chasing my lips as I slide my head from side to side… don’t kiss don’t kiss don’t kiss… I remember… don’t remember why it’s important, but know I don’t want him there… where… I wait for someone else…

Fuck it… I slide the door open and we fall into the loft… the three of us… touching and kissing and licking… and I don’t know what I’m talking about… contests… cocks… I slide into my old role… making jokes and pushing everything that means something aside… I see fucking paper everywhere and remember why I was pissed in the first place… Justin… Michael… and Justin is here… not waiting for me… can’t be waiting for me… he thinks I’m at Babylon… waiting for him…

But it’s all about fun and games… and if Justin wouldn’t come to Babylon… I brought it home with me… and I stumble away from the tricks… saying something about the papers… bitterness… in my voice… that only I hear… and I go to get Justin… see… what I did for you… we can fuck… and everything’ll be okay… but suddenly… I just want to fuck him… but whatever… whatever whatever whatever…

I step on their precious papers as I get to the bedroom… on purpose of course… wanna show them they can’t do this to me… and Justin must be asleep… so quiet… why the fuck didn’t he come get me… why the fuck didn’t he call me… why the fuck did he leave me waiting… waiting… waiting… for him…

I call out to him… he can come fuck or he can get the fuck outta my bed while I do… because… because… I need… something right now… need to feel like myself suddenly… because… everything is different all of a sudden… but it took so… long… to get here…

Stepping up to the bed, I toss my jacket to the floor… and…

Stop.

Michael.

Justin.

Here… in my bed…

And Michael… is fucking TOUCHING Justin… and… though rationally… I know I know I know… nothing ever happened… but… this… is… almost worse… that hand… on his hip… is like… like… like… Christ… being comfortable… and this is fucking Mikey… and my fucking Justin… and… and… in my bed… and I’m not here… and… and… looking at them… I feel fucking dirty and I remember where I am and how I got here… and now… the desire to just hold Justin is overwhelming me… and… this isn’t right… and…

I can’t help it… can’t fucking stop it… I just feel… like I’ve been punched in the stomach, kicked in the groin, smashed against a brick wall, fucked up the ass… feel violated and bare and worst of all… like a fool… and all I can say… is…

“Shit.”

My teeth are gritting so fucking hard… and… I go back to the tricks and tell them to get the fuck out… because I can’t deal… can’t fucking deal… can’t… shit fuck motherfucker… piece of goddamn shit… I push them out the door and slam it shut… and you fuckers up there… at least wake up!

Fuck! I kick their stuff across the floor… leave me out… leave me out… but use my loft… dare to leave me out… and… don’t even care… leave me out… and fuck… fuck… fuck… I can’t deal with this… so I make it go away… and they don’t even care… and they don’t even acknowledge… and I tell myself that they hear me and they are laughing at me… the fool… and I’m still so fucking high and drunk and horny and there’s nothing… no one… my only two are there… against me… fuck fuck fuck fuck…

I tear everything down that I see… restore my loft… get rid of the evidence… make it go away… but I know I’m making a bigger mess… bigger mess for them to clean up… and I don’t see what I’m doing but I tear it all down and kick it everywhere…

Don’t know why I feel this… feel like this… don’t know what this is… because Brian Kinney does not do fucking jealous… so it’s something else. It’s anger. It’s ego. It’s more than just… not getting what I want… (what the fuck do you want, Brian… I scream in my head… because you have Mikey who loves you and Justin who loves you and you can’t love either one… you say… you say… you lie… lie… lie…)

And I want them to wake up… want them to stop me… but… they don’t… so I tell myself it’s because they don’t care… and convince myself… (it’s true it’s true it’s a lie) that they don’t care about the comic and that Mikey is fucking Justin and Justin is telling Michael everything and they’ve bridged a gap and they don’t need me and all the time in my life that I’ve spent pushing away… and maybe now I’ve finally fucking got what I wanted… this is what I wanted… no one to love me, no one to care about me, no one to fucking… fucking… can’t think…

Stop me… stop me… I make so much goddamn noise they have to be awake… and I know they will stop me… now… and I look around at the mess and it’s not enough… and I pull out my dick and fuckin’ mark my goddamn territory… and piss on my floor… dirty piece of shit that I am and I tilt my head back and laugh and laugh and laugh… like I know they are laughing at me…

I steal a glance at the bedroom and it’s the same. Fucking Michael… touching him… get your hand OFF I wanna scream, but Justin’s not mine, he doesn’t belong to me… only the loft does… and I marked it… and… and… I don’t know what I’ll fucking do next… I don’t trust myself… don’t wanna be here… don’t wanna know… don’t wanna… don’t wanna… make… things… worse…

And I close my eyes because I can’t stand to see them there together and I pick up my jacket and storm out the door… and… get in a cab… and go back to Liberty Ave… and go to the bath house… and let some fuck eat my ass out… and I kiss a thousand guys… and I fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and it doesn’t matter doesn’t matter doesn’t matter…

Until… I wake up… in a dark room… and someone is sucking my dick… and I don’t remember… why it’s not Justin… and I don’t remember what I did… but then I do… and I push the mouth off my cock… and stand up… and stumble to the showers… and I stand there in the fucking heat… pins hitting me… sobering me… making me remember while I push my back against the tile of this anonymous place… spitting out the taste of other men… and hating it… hating myself… and rubbing at my mouth till it hurts… and I wish… I could… just… not be… like this… anymore…

My clothes fucking reek… but I’m not going back to the loft… know I can’t… I’m so fucking… ashamed… of what I did and how easy it was for me to forget and remember and… get… whatever the fuck it was last night… and I don’t know if they will ever speak to me again… so I go… where I know they can find me… because I won’t go back to them.

Sure enough… two cups in… they’re here… brooding over my shoulder as I stare at the newspaper… the same page since I sat down an hour ago. Mikey’s anger at me is so fucking familiar… felt it a million times in my life… but Justin… this is different… somehow… not like when he’s trying to prove a point or trying to make me come to him… he’s fucking disappointed and not upset, just pissed and this is different and if I could ever take back anything I think this would be it but I can’t so I pretend and lie and just sit here and let them scream at me… not answering not because I feel they don’t deserve it but because I don’t fucking trust myself to say the things I want to need to say because I don’t know how and they need to tell me what they need to say… and so I just sit here.

Silently.

Screaming.

In my head.

And they’re demanding I say something. Justin is demanding it. And they deserve it. But I can’t. Can’t. Can’t. What the fuck could I possibly say that would make this better? What excuse could I ever give them? I don’t know what they want. Can’t give them what they want. So… I say nothing…

And Mikey throws his little words in my face and I want to say… that’s the fucking best you can do? Push my words back at me? I want him to say more… tell me he hates me… tell me he’s never speaking to me again… tell me… hurt me… because I deserve it… I need to be throttled… need to be kicked… need to feel pain over this because… I know… it’s what I should get…

But they leave. And I bite my tongue and swallow hard and I don’t fucking let it bother me… put up the Kinney front… dust it off… it’s still there… not used for a while… shoved away… but now… need it… need it… need to hide… behind it…

And of course Deb comes over… because she’s heard the whole goddamn thing. Christ… she’s there… and gets her fucking nose in it… and I hope she reams me because I want it… fucking need to feel like more shit… than I do… from them… but the fact that they wouldn’t even lay into me as bad as I know they wanted makes me feel like an even bigger shit because somehow someway they still love me no matter what and it makes it hurt… so… fucking… worse…

Deb knows… she knows… after she caught me before… she knows how much I need both of them… they hold me up… and without them… I have nothing… Lindsay and Mel and Gus don’t need me… mom doesn’t need me… hasn’t paid me the time of day since she found out… and there is no one else… in my pathetic screwed up life that I pretend is exactly how I want it…

I want to hear what she says… because she can put into words what I can’t… and I want to know if I’m so transparent that the things I tried to hide are written on my face… but when she spits out exactly the word I don’t want to hear… the truth… that I’m jealous… I get a shiver in my toes and I know she’s right. As usual.

And I joke with her… and she jokes back… but nothing is funny… it’s the only way I know how to talk… and she tells me all the things I know… and I even know about the comic… I mean, of course I know it’s me… but for her to show me and tell me in my face and lay it all out there… fuck… that’s why I love her more than I could ever possibly love my own mother… Deb tells me the things that hurt the most… and lets me stew in it… but always loves me still… like a mom should…

Fuck… what can I possibly do to make this better?

So I did… what I thought… I could do…

Put it all back… set it straight… at the very least… I can fix the things that money can fix… that part I am always good at…

And I read their comic… and saw all these things… saw how they see me… and how right they are… and… it… pushed me down so many notches… and this… made me feel… okay again… but how I feel doesn’t matter.

I wait for them… standing there… nervous as shit… hoping I did it right… hoping I’ve redeemed myself… thinking over what I’ll say… because they wanted me to say something and I have to…

So… they get home… and I make a joke… that doesn’t fly… and I can see… that Michael’s still pissed and Justin is still disappointed… and I say all the things… they want to hear… and fuck… swallowing my pride for them… was… easier than I thought.

As I admit the one fucking thing I didn’t want to… my jealousy… I suddenly find it almost funny that I ended up here… standing here in front of them… saying exactly the things that I can’t say for myself… and I can’t help the little smile that comes to my face because… I’m… fucking… proud of myself… and I see the smug look that Justin tries to wear… but… I know… he liked hearing that… and… and… I got to the place I needed to get to for him… he let me back… he’s okay… and… and… Michael lets me know I got to the place I needed to get to for him too and… he makes a joke about liking the old me better… but… I don’t know… if… I… can ever… be…

I take control again… of the situation… well… I’m good at it, so why not… and casually lay out my little plan for them… my little scheme to get involved and help them out… and they say okay and let me… and it’s okay… thank God…

I take my favorite drawing… and let them get back to work… bumping into Justin as he passes me… give him the look… later… I say with my eyes… and he looks at me back… later… I know… he doesn’t say anything but… we know how to talk without speaking now… and maybe that’s… maybe that’s what… it’s all about…

Later comes… finally… I waited for three hours and I was so fucking pleased with myself that I didn’t say a goddamn word all night to them… let them do their thing… okay, I admit I fell asleep on the couch staring at the drawing… and woke up when Mikey kissed me on the forehead before he left… but I wouldn’t have said anything… I know I wouldn’t have…

Mikey leaves and Justin and I stand there by the door looking at each other for a bit… which one will relent… which one will… and I do… just as he takes a step towards me… and I pull him into my arms… and Christ it feels so good I want to fucking cry… what’s happening to me… fuck… I hate it and love it at the same time…

There are no more words to say out loud… so we don’t… and I squeeze him in my arms so tight and he squeezes me back… can’t get enough… can’t get enough… until we let go… and I let him pull me up to the bedroom… and we stand there again… I pull his shirt off him… he pulls off my tank top… I unbutton his pants… he unbuttons mine… I slide his pants off his hips… they pool around his ankles and he kicks them off… he pulls my jeans down… of course… now my cock is there… I’m one step ahead of him by not wearing any underwear… but I slide my hand down the back of his briefs and pull them down off him… and then we’re both standing here… naked… in all sense of the word… and… I just want to look at him… I wrap my hand behind his neck… just feeling his soft hair… not pulling him to me… and I look into his blue eyes… and get lost and all the rage and fear I ever felt… seems to go away… and maybe this isn’t so… bad…

I know what he’ll taste like… know how he cums… know how his fingers will wrap around my dick… know how he’ll kiss me… know how he’ll sigh so loudly… know everything everything everything… and anticipate it want it need it… but best of all he still knows how to surprise me…

We climb onto the bed and I roll him onto his back… wanna give him something… I straddle him and we kiss with me hanging over him… his fingers just play across my back and it makes me feel shivery… he comes up for air… and I start planting kisses around his face… down his neck… lick his chest… climbing down… down… down him… till his cock is there… and I just… slip my wet tongue across the tip… and… and… yeah… there’s the sigh I want to hear… there’s the little moan I was wanting to get… I wet my lips really well… kiss the tip of his cock… then slide my lips down the head… opening my mouth… letting him come inside me…

But he’s moving… twisting around… and his fingers are in my hair… and I reluctantly let his cock slip from my mouth… and meet his gaze hard on me… he rolls on his side a bit… and reaches down to touch my thigh… gripping me… pulling me around… and… oh… I do… I turn around and lie on my side… my face in his crotch… my crotch in his face… and his fingers are on my ass pulling me to him… and… and… then I feel his lips… brush against the tip of my dick… then… he pulls me into his mouth… oh… shit… yeah… and I open my legs and let him do… whatever…

I just open my mouth and take his dick inside me… licking it and sucking it… and he opens his legs and I rest my head on his thigh… nuzzling the underside of his balls with my nose… breathing him in and rubbing my tongue across his dick in my mouth… I slide my fingers under his hips and grip his ass… pressing against him…pushing him in me more more more… and touch my finger to his asshole lightly… just tapping it… and then I feel him do the same to me… and Christ it feels good… his finger at my hole swirls around a little… and then dips in… and I do the same to him… and I like this… what he wants he does what he does he wants… slides up and down my dick with his mouth… pulling away then sucking in more than before… and I do the same…

His dick is quivering in my mouth and he slows down… I taste a little warmth on my tongue… precum seeping from him… he slowly works his finger into my ass… pushing me to him still… fuck… it feels so fucking good with him in me… and me in him… and I just hold his cock in my mouth… letting him get past the wave… letting him get control… I wanna last like this… for a bit longer… he doesn’t stop on my cock… sliding up and down and shit… good… I bury my nose in his balls… and slide my finger further inside him… more… inside him… and he groans… his mouth full of my dick… and I feel the little buzz of his voice on me… and fuck… oh God… I might cum before him… and I start again with him… rubbing my tongue on his cock and now it’s more… more… frantic and I roll onto my back and pull him on top of me… he fucks my mouth… hips up and down… and at the same time slides his mouth up and down my cock in tandem… same rhythm… and oh no no nonononono … too soon for me… I just taste he’s going to… and his ass tightens around my finger and I hold it in harder… and oh… oh… uh… we both… pause… then… oh fuck fuck fuck… cum… and it’s fucking great… his mouth moving around my dick as he swallows and I swallow… breathing hard through our noses… and… shit… over way too fucking soon…

But… we’ve got all night… alone here together… me and him… him and me… and we can do whatever we want… he can do whatever he wants… to me…

Because he already has…