Finally I see Brian coming towards me… I’ve been waiting here at Babylon for like an hour for him. It’s not that he never makes me wait… it’s just that he was acting kind of weird before when he came into the diner… like he was thinking about something…

I had brought him his favorite – turkey sandwich on whole wheat, hold the mayo – and he looked at it for about half an hour, then pushed it away. As I walked by, he’d grabbed the loose tie of my apron, and told me he’d meet me at Babylon after my shift.

So… I came here… and I’ve been waiting… dancing a bit… but wanting to see him… needing to see him… to know that everything is ok.

I’m leaning against the bar… you know, casual like… trying not to look like I was waiting… but knowing I do anyway.

“Hey,” he says, grabbing my beer from me and taking a long gulp.

I watch him… his throat moving as he swallows… and … he looks off… something’s not… right…

“You okay?” I yell over the music, leaning into him…

“Yeah…” he pushes past me to order more liquor from the bartender. The guy lines up four shots and passes me another beer.

I laugh nervously… “Those all for you?” I ask.

He answers by knocking each one of them back. Fuck… he’s drinking tequila. He’s pissed off at something.

I sip my beer and the bartender hands Brian another one. Brian chugs it… wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and stares out at the crowd, holding his hand to his face… just holding it there… thinking… his eyes scanning the dance floor… he’s looking but not seeing.

He shakes his head suddenly and turns to the bartender… then changes his mind, waving him away. I don’t know how to take this… he’s obviously torn up about something that happened, and I’m sure he’s not going to tell me. I suck back more of my beer, needing to do something… I hate to push him. If he doesn’t want to tell me… he doesn’t have to tell me… of course… but… I wish he would… I wish he would treat me like he does Michael… know that he can talk to me… know that I’m a good listener… that despite everything, I’m his friend first and I always will be…

His gaze slides to mine and he catches me staring at him. I grin… stupidly… I can’t help it… and the corner of his mouth turns up a bit… he kind of smiles back… a little bit… and… I feel like I helped…maybe…

He takes my beer from my hand… looks to see how much is left… takes a sip and gives it back to me.

“You wanna go?” he says as he leans into me… and he knows he doesn’t have to ask… I swig the remainder of my drink, put the bottle on the bar and slide up next to Brian… pushing my body close to his… I start to move towards him to kiss him, but he dips his head and licks my neck… I tilt my head back and let him… it feels so nice… his tongue cool from the beer… as he runs it up my throat… behind my ear… so soft… I get the tiniest shiver… and… mmm… his lips find my ear and he tells me he wants to go now… his breath warm and tickling me and I want more… I slip my hand behind his neck and try to pull him to my lips… but he moves away from me… taking my hand in his… and pulls me out of the club.

I don’t try to think about what’s going on… only feel satisfied that he’s taking me home… that we’re going to our home alone… to share the night together…

We get back to the loft and he falls down on the bed… face first… he’s a bit drunk, I know… but not too much… he’s in that state where he lets himself feel drunk… but can snap back to sobriety in a second if he needs to.

I tentatively walk up the steps… not sure if he wants to fuck or what… I watch him… one arm under his head, the other sprawled out on the bed… his back rising and falling with each breath… I just stare at him… kind of cocking my head to the side… I realize I could stare at him… all… fucking… night…

But… but… I pull off my t-shirt and toss it to the floor. He doesn’t move. Doesn’t see me.

I unbutton my pants and let them slide to the floor. Still… nothing… I kick off my shoes and step out of my pants… naked… baring everything to him… he just lies there… just lies there…

I climb onto the bed and lie down beside him. His face is turned towards me, but his eyes are closed… his lips parted just a little bit… he looks so… well… so harmless like this…

I pick up his hand from the bed… holding it in mine… he’s letting me do what I want… no resistance… I push my palm against his… measuring the difference in size… not much… his fingers are longer… his hand slightly larger… his skin darker…

Where’ve I bitten my nails, his are manicured… I know he gets them done at his stylist… I can’t be bothered… I’m used to having charcoal and pastels and paint under my fingernails… years of drawing and painting… using the computer most of the time now, I don’t get that as much, but the habit still remains…

I weave my fingers between his, and his fingers are lax… I stare at them… think about those fingers exploring my body… how they know how to pleasure me… touching… pressing… pinching… rubbing… in tiny secret places that only those fingers know… how those fingers have been inside me… and I’ve trusted those hands… with everything… I have…

I look at him, but his eyes are still closed… I almost think he’s asleep but his fingers suddenly close around my hand and he sighs… dropping his arm.

I slide closer to him… drape my leg over the backs of his… I can’t help myself and just stare at him… fuck… so beautiful… so… so…

His eyes slowly open and I can’t help but grin… those hazel eyes locking on mine… seeing me… knowing me… he squeezes my hand then lets me go… his eyes running up and down my naked body… I reach out to him… don’t know why… just want to be close to him because I just feel like he needs it right now… I don’t know… just… just…

He pushes himself up and rolls onto his side… looks at me kind of sideways, then puts his hand on my shoulder and I fall onto my back, letting him push me… then he’s on top of me… sliding between my legs… fully clothed… the bottom of his cotton shirt falling onto my stomach and tickling me…

He puts his hands on mine, pinning me to the bed... then leans into me for a soft kiss... I can tell right away... despite the beer and tequila on his breath I smell someone else... know he's kissed someone... I understand now why he's been sliding out of my grasp all night...

I’m not mad… can’t be… we both slip up every now and then… no big deal… everyone fucks up… just wish I knew… no, I don’t. I don’t care who… he’s here with me now, and didn’t even want to bring anyone home… just us… and that’s plenty… fuck… I’ve screwed up… why should I expect any more of him…

It’s as though he suddenly remembered, and he slides away from my lips quickly, moving to kiss my cheeks… then my chin… then his tongue slips out and touches my neck… oh… his tongue is so wet… it slips down my throat then he stops… um… right… there… and I can’t help but lift my shoulder… it tickles… his lips touch me… right on that spot… that little part of my neck that makes me smile when he touches it… right above… oh… my… collarbone… I bite my lip not to laugh… he sucks on my skin… teasing me… his teeth bite me lightly… then his tongue… I feel a line of spit slide down my neck… it’s warm… then cool… and so fucking wonderful… I get tiny goosebumps on my skin… just focus on his soft touch… forget everything else…

Unconsciously I open my legs wider, and he lets his body drop between them… slowly… and it feels so good to have him within my grasp… he slides down a bit further… my cock pushing him just above the belt line… and he lets go of my hands to lift up his shirt… so it’s skin on skin… oh… so hot… my dick rubbing on his tight belly… makes me so fucking… hard…

He stops at my nipples, licking the one… making it hard… running his tongue around and around… then sucking so gently… his lips running across it… and his fingers snake up to my ringed nipple and he lightly pulls on it… it stings a little… one nipple in pain the other in pleasure… oh fuck… I touch his back and drag the tips of my fingers up and down up and down… he arches his back up into the sensation, sucking harder on my nipple… pulling harder on the other one, his pinky finger through the loop, his palm flat on my chest…

Then he slides down further… tongue again… sliding down the center of my chest… Christ… I know where he’s headed… and… and… my cock leaves his skin as he moves and hits the soft fabric of his shirt… his warm hands planted on my sides… sliding so… so… soooooo… slowly down to my hips… as he just runs his tongue down my stomach… to my belly…

Oh… my cock’s at his throat… the tip pressing against him… it wants him… I want him… he dips his tongue into my bellybutton, dripping spit onto me… his fingers spreading it around my skin…

My hands fall to my sides, and I let him… let him… I breathe deeply, anticipating… knowing… Christ… wanting… him… to… touch me… there…

His face is in my crotch and I feel him breathing me in… his mouth laying tiny kisses all around me… the palms of his hands push on the insides of my thighs lightly… and I spread my legs farther apart… he grips me… the tips of his fingers pressing into my skin… my cock is twitching beside his face… touch me… lick me… suck me… but he just rests his face on my leg… his cheek warm… I feel his breathing on my balls… fuck… this is torture… don’t know why he’s stopping… he’s thinking, I guess… trapped by some thought that won’t leave him…

I relax… though I’m wild inside… my cock fucking throbbing… pounding… begging… I remain calm… I won’t let it get to me… I won’t beg tonight… something tells me… he’ll be… ready… soon…

Then… then… I feel his face leave me… the weight gone… his hands still pressing against me… holding onto me… then… then… oh… oh… ah… his tongue… ah… touches… me… oh… no… right… um… on the… tip… slips in… oh… the slit… and I… gasp… my breath stopping… in my… chest… and… oh… Brian… please… ?

Oh… fuck fuck fuck… his lips slowly close over the head of my dick… and he slides his mouth down, taking me all in… oh… God… it’s… mmm… so… his tongue just… just… slowly moves… around… rubbing against my sensitive skin… pushing against me… and he starts… this… like… mmmm… slow… soft… sucking… just... a little… enough so... I feel it… the… pull of his mouth… his lips… closing around me… as he holds me… inside him…

I suck in a shaky breath… it’s so… sensual… he’s not rushing… just… so… mmm… so… fucking… slow… his hands hold onto my thighs… and he’s hardly moving… just his throat and his tongue… giving me this… beautiful… feeling…

I touch his hair with my fingers… reaching for him… but… so focused… on… my… cock… he’s not doing any tricks… nothing fancy… just… oh… this… warm, delicious… little pull… his tongue providing the friction… my cock craves… and I let myself go… oh… it’s too soon, but… but… I can’t help it… it’s… it’s… oh oh oh… this amazing warm buzz all through me… and… and… I try to hold back… but he’s encouraging me… and sucking… and rubbing… and holding my thighs so tight… I pull a soft clump of his hair with just the tips of my fingers… and… sigh… and… huh huh huh huh… let it all… oh oh oh … go… go… go… it’s wonderful and amazing and it’s so good… and I cum and his throat moves as he swallows my cum… his swallowing making it even better… squeezing my cock to the roof of his mouth… his tongue holding it there… and… I just ride out this… fucking… incredible… long… slow… high… and… uh… the waves… fade… and… oh… I’m done… finished…

I let go of his hair and I try to pull myself back, but he’s holding me still… I move a little, but his hands move to my hips and he drags me back to him… my dick still in his mouth… oh Christ… I can’t… I just came… it’s… no… oh… he won’t let go…

“Brian,” I whisper… but he won’t answer… just holds me inside him… his tongue pinning my dick to the roof of his mouth… and his lips clamp down on me… he doesn’t want to let me go… but I don’t know if I can take it… it’s… too intense… like… like… when someone’s tickling you and it suddenly gets too much and you can’t breathe… and you need them to stop… but… he’s… not… stopping… oh fuck me… this is too much… his hands push down on my hips and I know I can’t struggle… what is he fucking doing me… ow ow ow ow… he moves his head and slides his mouth up my shaft just a little… then pushes back down… then again… then… oh Christ… more… and I can’t fucking believe it… but… I start to feel the warm rush of blood to my dick… slowly… getting hard again… to my surprise… and the intense… too much feeling… starts… to fade… and starts… to get… oh… better… and… Christ… can I?

He starts that sucking again… and it’s… fuck… fuck… so… I just let my legs fall… wide open… I throw my arms to the bed… and lie there… fully naked to him in so many ways… just exposed… and he just pulls… pulls… and I want to last… want to… learn… need to…

I focus on breathing and just let myself relax completely… if he wants to suck my dick… he can… he can all night… but… but… somehow deep inside I have to admit that I almost feel like he’s avoiding me… and… it’s so slow… he’s thinking… or not wanting to think maybe…

He slides up a little, taking his hands off my hips and sliding them under me… I lift my hips to let him… his palms press on my ass cheeks… warm… his fingers pushing into my skin… then… he… oh shit… slides his mouth up my dick… then… back down again… but… goes… fuck… so much farther down this time… and… my dick hits the back of his throat… oh oh oh… touching him… and… he pushes his hands on my ass… forcing me even farther into him… and his lips… rub in my pubes… wet… spit… sliding out of them… and covering me… all over…

I take deep breaths to hold myself back… but Christ… it’s like… I could cum again… how does he know… he swallows… and moves his throat and I just ride it… and ride it… and ride – oh fuck I want to stop it… but… I’m cumming again but this time intense… I arch my back and just let the cries leave my throat as I grip the sheets… it’s so sharp and quick… and I’m blinded by each hit… each shot of cum as it leaves me…

I just collapse… heart fucking pounding in my ears… that… was too fucking much… and oh Christ… I hope he doesn’t… try for a third… I’m just covered in sweat… and for a second I think he’s going to… but then he slides off me… his lips tight on my cock as it pulls out of him… he rests his head at the top of my thigh, his hair brushing against my leg and feeling so soft… he pants… hard… hot breath hitting my balls… but he’s not looking at me… and I get this suddenly sick feeling like he was thinking about someone else and I don’t want to think that and I don’t want to feel bad for thinking that but for some reason I do and I get this cold wave all through me… that’s not true… it’s… he… wouldn’t… why…?

I push the idea out of my head… he’s just thinking about shit… he’s just… I don’t know… maybe he’s thinking he should’ve stayed for the wedding… maybe he’s… fuck… I don’t even know why I even bother trying to figure out Brian Kinney.  I just let him do… what he… needs to do…

His breath evens out again and he sighs hard… pulls his hands out from underneath me… and slides off the bed… he stares at me and unbuttons his shirt… throws it to the floor… pulls off his pants… his eyes never leaving mine… and I let all those stupid fears I had slip away… and I focus on him… and… watch as he kneels on the bed… over me… his legs on either side of mine… he falls to the bed… his face in mine suddenly… and he kisses me so lightly… the smell of the other man long gone… just me now… all over him…

He guides me onto my stomach and I oblige… after that incredible cocksucking I need to be fucked… he slides on a condom then he lies on top of me… pressing me to the bed… his cock is hard at my hole… and then… then… he just pushes in… oh… Brian… I love it… he fucks me so slowly and deliberately… his lips on my neck… and I let him… just breathing… smiling… loving it… hoping that whatever was bothering him is gone away… knowing that he can fuck me forever… that I’ll forgive his slip ups and come back for more… and more… and more…

His thrusts become quicker… and his fingers grip my arms suddenly… his lips touch my shoulder… I hear his breath shudder… and he presses so hard in me… hitting me inside… and… and… I have to gasp and I clench my ass holding him inside and push back on him… and he cums… breath pushing out hard on my neck… jerking inside me… until he’s done… and he lets me go… rolling off me…

He throws his arm over his eyes… just lies there… breathing… not looking at me… I pull the condom off him and toss it aside… he lets a sigh leave his lips and he moves his arm… his eyes find mine and I lean on my elbow… lying on my side… we just stare at each other… we do that all the time… because there are always things that I know Brian wants to say but won’t and things that I want to say but know I shouldn’t… so we end up staring at each other in silence.

He reaches out to me and puts his hand on my arm… it’s such a subtle gesture… but… I take it to mean so much – right or wrong, I do anyway. His palm is so warm on me… I close my eyes and smile a little… pull in a deep breath… it’s like he’s telling me it’s okay… and I listen… Brian reveals so little… but I’m learning his silent language… know when he needs words and when he doesn’t… when he wants me to push and when he doesn’t… I miss things sometimes… but now I think I know… he doesn’t want to talk about it… wants me to leave it… and know he’s alright… I hope…

I curl my arm under me and rest my head on his chest… his other arm falls across my shoulders… I listen to his heart thumping softly and the quiet hush of his breathing and we lie there and we don’t say anything… just let the night pass in silence as we fall asleep together.