Can’t do this anymore.

Can’t... just coast.

Can’t... just... let him have his way. Let him call the shots. Let him... think he’s in control.

He lost that... lost all control over determining how he was going to feel about me... control over whether or not he would let himself love me...

Right about the time...

The bat connected with my head.

He thinks he knows what’s best for me. He thinks he knows what he wants. He thinks he can make everything okay by just... not making a decision or taking a stand or giving in or giving up or letting go or whatever the fuck you want to call it. He thinks that... he can let everyone else make the hard decisions while he sits back and tries to set things in motion. Tries to... play games and fool around and avoid everything and everyone until...

Until what?

He finally pisses off the wrong person?

Until his little life and death games finally get tired and he lets himself lose? He takes that extra pill, brings home the wrong guy, takes the corner too fast or just fucking gives up?

No.

Until someone else... plays his games right back.

Calls him on it.

Michael never would. Christ, Michael never even clued into Brian’s little birthday game.

Lindsay... couldn’t. She loves him too much. Wants to mother him, take care of him, and at the same time be the girlfriend/wife/hetero lover Brian never wanted or needed.

His mom, family, boss, secretary... none of them know him enough.

Debbie... she’s tried... she’s come close...

Ted, Emmett... neither care enough...

I’m the one... that loves him... the most... knows him the best... even Michael... has never seen Brian... like I have... seen him... on the edge of ecstasy... seen him... look back... with love... in his eyes... seen him in passion and rage and fear and wonderment and... pride... for... letting himself give just the tiniest bit that he has...

Christ...

I don’t know... if I can do it... don’t know... if I’m strong enough... hard enough...

But I have to try... need to try... gotta... do something... before just... walking away...

Forever.

The last... week... has been the hardest... ever... in my whole life. Even... when I was fighting with my parents... coming out and getting kicked out... even when I was in the hospital... desperate to see Brian... fighting with my brain to remember what happened... fighting with my body to work again... even when... I’d given up all hope... screwing around and fucking up and leaving school... and... being a shitty little brat... even then... wasn’t this bad... because I had Brian...

But... this last week... I’ve been torn 15 ways... between... struggling to push myself... struggling at school to beat out the rest of the class... to get accepted back for next year... between... trying to find time to be with Ethan... to quench the incredible desire I have to see him... to hear his words... that he always gives me... my selfish insistence that he loves me the most because he says it over and over and over... between... trying... to hide my lies... my transgressions from Brian... breaking all the rules... between trying to finish the fucking comic book with Michael... trying to find time to create sketches and at the same time not wanting to see what I was drawing... see... how I had to draw... me loving Brian so much... draw... Brian... loving me so much... fucking comic book... but... as the year anniversary... keeps coming nearer... it’s in my head so much... in my... fucking dreams... and nightmares... and while I thought that having to draw it and relive it would make it less important... would deaden my feelings inside about it... instead... it only sharpened the pain... and gave me a headache... and made... me so confused so confused so... fucking confused...

Can’t go on like this...

I’m gonna break...

Gonna... snap...

And then Brian plays one of his famous little games... setting me up... can’t just come out and ASK me... can’t just CONFRONT me... about Ethan... has to... play a little game... somehow pulling Ethan into the diner with him... when he knew I’d be starting my shift... somehow... just getting the timing right... somehow... just... saying everything... without saying nothing at all...

And taking all the power away from me while he did it.

Stripping me... bare... naked... right there...

Forcing me... to decide.

Would I play Brian’s game and ignore what he did? Let him make me panic...

Or would I run after Ethan? Explain somehow? That Brian... was a fucked up asshole who took pleasure in making other people squirm? Even people he supposedly loved?

How could anyone possibly explain that?

I walked away. Dumped my jacket in the backroom of the diner. Tried to calm my shaking hands and got ready to have a talk with him. Ready to confront him... and of course when I got out there, he was gone.

I stood in front of the empty booth... racking my brain trying to think what they possibly could’ve talked about. What Brian could’ve said to convince Ethan to come in here and sit down and share a cup of coffee with him. I stared at the half drunk coffee cups and wondered. And felt sick with the wondering. And felt sick for feeling sick because I knew that Brian had won.

Again.

He played this little game to tell me without saying. That he knew. And to force me to make a choice.

When I got home from school that night, I apologized for everything. Course he played dumb... and wouldn’t take me seriously... and just played around and did everything he possibly could to avoid having to say anything... that actually means... anything...

And I really... just let it all out... I cursed myself as the words left my throat... knowing that everything I said sounded like... an ultimatum... knowing that everything I said... just sounded... more and more pleading... more and more desperate... I might as well have saved my words... might as well have just said nothing... because... for all my begging... he threw it back at me... for all my desperation... he just showed calm. For every word of mine, he had two.

Then... when he said the words that... I knew I couldn’t answer... when he asked why I was still there... he said the words so that they would hurt... and yet... he pressed his cheek against my face... and I just felt he wanted me...

I couldn’t help it, but my hands went around him too... and I finally asked him the stupidest thing I could’ve... I finally pushed it... tried to get him to say... what I wanted to hear... or needed to hear...

If he’d told me he wanted me to stay... I would’ve... I would’ve fucking fallen into his arms... and told him I loved him... and I would’ve said I was sorry a thousand times and I would never, ever have seen Ethan again...

If he’d told me he wanted me to go... I would’ve packed up my stuff... and walked away forever...

But no.

Brian couldn’t make it easy for me.

He just looked at me. Accusing me. Of trying to get him to say something. That both he and I fucking know he never... ever... will. He looked angry. And I expected him to tell me to get the fuck outta there, right now. I expected that he’d make it easy for me to do whatever he wanted me to do.

But no.

He told me I needed to decide.

I had to decide? It was my call where I wanted to be?

What was he, fucking crazy? Didn’t he know that I couldn’t decide? That I... couldn’t give up on him, that I couldn’t just bail on this, whatever the fuck it is that we have? Didn’t he know that I love him more than fucking anything that I would do anything anything anything... just to make this okay or go away or not to have happened ever?

After those last words from Brian, I just picked up my jacket. I walked to the door and pushed it open. Begging him inside. Please Brian, call me back. Please Brian. Ask me not to go. He knows where I’m going. He knows who’s waiting to see me. He knows everything. But he wouldn’t just say... that one word...

Stay.

I went to Ethan’s and he was just fucking raging. He’d been drinking, and was stomping around the apartment... I came in and sat down on the couch. He stood behind me in the kitchen sighing loudly and swearing under his breath.

Finally he spoke, but it was only to say shit about Brian... and all I could do was defend him... and... I hated that the words were coming out of my mouth...I hated that I couldn’t just fucking shut up about Brian when I was with Ethan... that I couldn’t just put my emotions somewhere else for five seconds and just let Ethan rant about Brian... let him get his anger out... because I knew it was just in love... it was just because... I was with Brian and not him... that up till then I’d chosen Brian, and not Ethan... and now Ethan knew exactly what he was up against...

And gave up on me...

As he should. As I deserve.

Ethan... needs someone better than me. Than what I can give him.

So I stormed out... slamming the door behind me... I hit the street... walking in the cold night air...

Ethan pushed me out the door... Brian closed it behind me... I didn’t even know if I should go back to the loft... Brian knew I went to see Ethan... knew that I was trying to figure out what to do... Brian... would never let himself be second choice... never be second choice for anyone...

And I’d made him feel like that...

I’d completely fucked up everything... and the two lives I thought I had separated... were now spinning together...

No surprise, I ended up at the loft... I was tired, it was late... when I’d pulled open the door, I was sure Brian would either be out or have someone there... knew he’d be trying to rid me from his life already... knew... it was becoming over faster than either one of us ever thought possible...

But then...

But... then...

I stepped inside... it was dark... and I looked up to the bedroom... and saw him there... waiting for me... and I felt sad... wondering... how many nights like this... he’d waited up for me... how many nights... he laid alone...

Maybe there were more nights than I ever imagined...

I wasn’t sure if he’d welcome me in his bed again... after the way I’d pushed him to say what I wanted to hear... but I still remembered his fingers cupping my face... his lips against my cheek... and when he pulled open the covers to invite me to bed... I climbed up... defeated... sank into the sheets... lying on the edge of the bed... far from him...

He moved closer... wrapped his arm around me... just touching our skin... curved his body around mine... protecting me from everything... and whether he knew it or not... he was telling me... that he didn’t want me to go... that he... wanted me there...

And why... did he have to make it so hard...

I thought he wanted me to go. I thought he... was done with me and my foolish ideas of love.

But... then he does this.

I laid awake all night... feeling his soft breath on my neck... I know he was awake for a long time too... then finally his fingers stopped brushing against my arm... his breathing grew deeper... he was asleep... while I couldn’t close my eyes... didn’t want to move... didn’t want to leave this embrace... I never knew if it would be like this again... didn’t know... when he’d hold me again... if there would be... a chance... to be like this again...

I finally fell asleep just before it was time to wake up... and... then when I woke up... he was gone... left me there... and I was late for those stupid interviews he’d set up... and... it just made me mad somehow... like what he did last night... how he... made me feel last night... was something... that he just didn’t want to talk about... so he left me there... and let me be late... he’d rather abandon me... than deal with me... and... as I was pulling on my sweater and jeans... I felt angrier and angrier...

I thought I knew he didn’t want me. I thought I knew... what was... going on...

He had to make me think about everything again... and... I was grumpy and tired and so fucking frustrated and mad... and then... I find out... that little tattletale never-mind-his-own-business Novotny got his nose in there... and fuck... it just pushed me... so close to the cliff... I... know he’s just jealous... I know he wants Brian in ways that he’ll never, ever have him... but Christ! I got so fucking pissed off at him... I... just totally lost it... swearing at him and acting like I was fucking 12 years old and just trying so goddamn hard to find someone else to blame for the shitty way I was feeling...

When I knew it was all my fault.

Everything...

Was all my fault.

And I just gave up.

Stormed out of the comic store. Went to the studio. Drew all fucking day till my arm was screaming in pain... till... I knew I’d pushed myself too far... and every sharp stab in my arm... reminded me... of... a year ago...

And it all goes around and around and around...

I waited as long as I could before going to the loft... I had to get changed to go to the stupid party... that I didn’t want... and I didn’t want to go to... and I didn’t... fuck... I was a whiny brat, and I knew it. Brian was sitting there waiting for me again... and... I couldn’t stay that mad at him... he stood up from the sofa... and... looked at me... like... he was debating whether to come kiss me... and...

I felt like... it was all hanging in the balance... like I was on a tightrope... and... I was waiting to see... which way I would fall... which way... I would jump...

He told me then... that he’d waited as long as he could... he’d... wanted to take a shower with me... wanted... then he stopped... and I walked past him and changed my clothes, deliberately not going into the bathroom... so he knew... that I wasn’t hiding anything from him...

But it made me realize I hadn’t heard from Ethan all day... and he was still pissed... and... I... just needed someone... and I knew I was being selfish... knew I was being stupid... and finally I just gave in and wrapped my arms around Brian and hugged him hard... hugged him because he was there... hugged him to say I was sorry... hugged him... because I wanted to feel his arms around me again... just... again...

He pulled me close and I felt his breath in my hair... and I tried not... to... think about... anything...

And then we pulled apart and silently went to Babylon for the party.

It was a blur... everyone surrounding me... the re-enactment of the bashing... I closed my eyes during part of it because I couldn’t watch it again... couldn’t... have that played out for me again... with everyone watching me from the corner of their eyes... everyone wanting to look but not...

And that brings me to now.

Standing here in the middle of the dance floor at Babylon... surrounded by people... but feeling so fucking alone.

Brian's disappeared somewhere... and I desperately want to feel his arms around me... I need him... right now...

I run into Lindsay and Mel and they tell me that Brian is looking for me.

“He is?” I squeak out, and I don’t mean to sound so excited, but my voice betrays me again... I'm wanting him... he's wanting me... must... mean something...

And then I feel it... I fall off the tightrope... and... I land on Brian’s side.

I wanna try... I do... just thinking about prom... just thinking about what he did... what... he’s done... what... he might do...

There might... just be... a tiny... little... chance for us... and... so when Melanie tells me... that Brian’s looking for me... God... I smile... I can’t help it... I think.... yeah... good... we’ll kiss... and dance... and then we’ll go home together and... we’ll fuck our brains out... and... maybe, just maybe... everything will be good again... everything will be okay, and I won’t care anymore about all this shit and I won’t think about Ethan and I won’t... try to make Brian into someone he isn’t... I’ll just love him... and love him... and love him...

It’s enough. It’s all enough. I... feel like... it can happen. And I want it to happen.

I choose.

I choose to be with Brian.

So. I go find him. I look all over the dance floor... and don’t see him. Check out the john... even call out his name... nope... not here... go upstairs... the couches... the bars... then... I go... to the only place left. It’s like I don’t really want to look... I mean... I really don’t want to... I honest to God, don’t want to find him here... but... somehow I know I will.

I peer into the back room... it’s fucking wild tonight... so many guys... so many... I suddenly feel sick, just being here... hearing the groans and moans and the stink of BO and cum... it makes me feel like being at the baths with Brian... and even though I usually like this... usually makes my dick a little hard... somehow... right now... I don’t wanna feel like this... don’t wanna...

But I keep going... because... I know this... is... where he is. It starts to creep up on me... the realization... that... he really wasn’t looking for me... he really wasn’t... or if he was, he got distracted by someone else, someone he thinks... is worth crushing my heart for...

Yeah, I find him... pounding into the guy dressed up as Rage... the made up Brian... the pretend super hero Michael and I wish our real Brian could be. The irony. Brian loves irony. Now everyone can honestly say that Brian fucked himself. Not that it hasn’t been said before. Not that I won’t ever say it again.

He sees me looking at him. I stare back for a second. He’s still wearing the mask... and he’s fucking lost in this guy’s ass... must be tight... must be... good... I see Brian for who he is... see him... for who he wants to be... and... even though I feel... like my heart is breaking for the hundredth time... I let a little smile play across my lips.

I gotcha Brian. I know.

He’s trying to push me away.

I’m not Michael, I wanna say. You can’t fuck me around like you did him... this isn’t Michael’s 30^th birthday party. You’re not gonna hurt me so bad that I couldn’t possibly love you again.

You can’t push me off that cliff.

Can’t.

My mom’s words come back to me... she said to me earlier... if I want something... nothing can stop me... and... she’s right... all I wanted... all I ever wanted from this whole thing... was just Brian... and no matter what I do... Brian keeps blocking me... two steps forward... one step back... but I’m not giving up... not... yet... not... when... I feel like maybe maybe maybe... if he cares enough... to really want to push me away like this... if he cares enough... to... really want to fuckin hurt me like this... which is Brian’s fucked up crazy way of telling me he loves me... I know that.... well... then... maybe it wasn’t all for nothing... maybe... if I just keep trying... and keep wanting... so bad... so so so bad... then...

Then...

He can let me make my own choices. Instead of pushing me to accept what he thinks I want.

Fuck... but right now... it hurts. It really, really hurts. I mean... fuck... I’m right here. I can just see it... he tells Lindsay and Mel that he's looking for me... knowing DAMN WELL they’ll tell me... so I go feel like a fool... searching all over for him... to come... to the place... that I know he’ll be... to find him... doing exactly what I fear... what I know... what I wish he wouldn’t be doing...

On what’s supposed to be my night. My success.

Brian Kinney is a shit.

I know that.

But...

No, I know that. And right now is not the time to let my heart get pulled back... into this mess... need... a little time. Need to let Brian think he’s won. He got what he wanted.

Course he never really knows what he wants. Never really lets himself believe that he could possibly want me... but I know he does... know it...

Fuck...

I turn away... not gonna let one fucking emotion fly across my face. Try to go blank.

It’s not over it’s not over it’s not over not over not over not over... can’t be... not gonna give up... not gonna... can’t can’t can’t...

But my heart hurts... it... does... I push through the bodies in the backroom and hit the dance floor. Thinking I need some good drugs right now... I need something. I need... to feel worthy again... I need to... need to...

Christ. He’s here.

Ethan.

Our eyes meet... and I wanna laugh because he looks so out of place and I realize our lives are so different... and it’s funny and sad... and... I guess he’s here to apologize... for pushing me away... guess he’s here... to say... I don’t know... words I thought I needed... and I guess... maybe... I want to hear them right now.... I guess maybe... I need him to love me tonight... I need to... let him... love me... and Christ... I don’t want to hurt him... but I need something for me right now... I need to be selfish... I need to be an asshole... I need to be fucked...

I need to hurt Brian...

I cross through all the people and stand in front of Ethan... and look at him... and realize maybe... maybe... I could... just walk out the door with him... maybe it’s not about hurting Brian... maybe it’s about...

Leaving Brian...

Maybe I shouldn’t think about this so much.... and just do what my heart says... just do what I know is right... just do... this...

Ethan’s giving me words... I’m all he thinks about... words, words, words... I take them... I listen... and when his hand wraps around the back of neck and pulls me to him for a kiss... I respond... I kiss him back... here... where everyone can see us... where everyone can witness... my blatant indiscretion... where everyone can see... me... hurting Brian... so... Brian can know... what it feels like... so... Brian... can... have the pitied looks... the whispers of “poor guy” behind his back... so he can feel like the patsy... he can feel like the forgotten one... he can feel like I do... every time we’re here...

It’s wrong... I know it is... but for the first time tonight, I feel good... and Ethan’s kisses are so warm and soft... and we fit together so well... and I can wrap my arms around him and pull him to me tightly... and... we kiss and kiss...

Then I feel him pull away... and before I even turn around, I know who’s watching us... know he must’ve dumped the trick in the backroom, and came out here... to see the show he’d directed and produced... and now was going to take starring role in... there will be no surprise in my heart when Ethan later tells me how there were flyers for the party stuffed in his violin case... there will be no surprise when I put all the pieces together to realize how Brian orchestrated this all...

So he can watch as it plays out... he can watch me fuck this other guy... I mean... what’s the problem? He does it all the time.

Course I KNOW what the difference is... I know that the men that Brian fucks never fall in love with him... they all know there is no second time... no chance for more... except for me... a stupid little twink who didn’t know better till his heart was lost to Brian Kinney...

My eyes skate across the room and land on his... I feel sad looking at him... feel... sorry for him suddenly... he looks as though he regrets it... regrets what he’s done... but really... he probably mostly regrets ever taking me home that night...

We exchange a silent acknowledgement... never about words for us... he pulls off his mask... and... I just see... the little boy beaten up look I’ve seen a few times before... and then it hits me... that I’ve done the beating up... the screwing up... the lying, the cheating, the fucking around... I’m the asshole, the bastard, the shithead... I’m... the one that started this, continued this... and I’m the one that’s ending it...

Brian... just played along...

But got wrapped... up... like I did...

Maybe...

Can’t do this now...

I walk away. With Ethan. One glance back. See him stare back after me. See him... watch me go. See him... realize. It’s done.

Mission accomplished.

For all of us.

We all got what we wanted. Brian wanted his freedom. I wanted someone to love me. Ethan wanted me. We all got it.

But I know it's just all wrong.

Go on to Part 2...