I turn my back on the painting Ethan threw at me last night... I vaguely remember bringing it home... in my pain-induced daze... the remembrance of the night... what happened... everything... brings the dull throbbing in my head back into focus...

Thought I’d wanna look at it... to remind myself... of... of...

What...?

I have no fucking idea...

I ignore it and turn on my cell phone to check for any messages... I know my mom will want to know what happened... I’ve kept Brian and I’s fucked up relationship out of her sight... kept... my indiscretions with Ethan a secret... don’t want to give her any reason to think she might have made a mistake... asking Brian to look after me... don’t want to give her any reason to think... that... I don’t love Brian... as much as I said I did.... don’t want to give her any reason to think... that... I might ever... ever... love another... love someone else my own age... love someone that... she would fucking adore...

So... I can imagine last night... her surprise... along with everyone else’s... except Brian and fucking Novotny and Ben of course... when I walked out the door... with someone else... Lindsay would know who he was... Mel would know who he was... they might’ve told my mom... Michael might’ve told Deb... who’d tell my mom... fuck... what a fucking mess... I wish I could just have my own life without everyone fucking interfering all the time...

My phone beeps at me and I look at it to see how many messages are there... fuck... nine messages... and... I know that... at least one... or two... or more... are from him... from Ethan...

I don’t wanna know... if he’s calling to tell me to go fuck off and die or if he’s calling to tell me he’s sorry... do I wanna know? Do I...?

No... I don’t. I shut off my phone and drop it on the counter. I’ll leave it... for tonight...

Brian comes up behind me and kisses me on the cheek... “Don’t you have to finish your project?” he says quietly into my ear, wrapping his arms around my waist.

“What... and let you have all the fun? Fuck no,” I twist out of his embrace. I loved being in his arms this afternoon... I loved fucking him... but I know it won’t last... don’t wanna lull myself into some sickenly romantic fantasy... where Brian would actually want to stay home with me... for one Saturday night...

This used to be enough for me... and... it can be again... I used to love the hunt... used to love flirting and fucking around and playing cat and mouse games with Brian... I’m 19 for fuck sakes. He’s right... I should be doing those things. Time for fun is now. And the faster things get back to the way they were... the way they should be... the way Brian wants them to be... the better everything will be...

I open the fridge and take out the bottle of GHB we have inside... I start to open it, but Brian’s at my side, pulling it out of my fingers.

“Justin, I’m serious,” he says holding it out of my reach.

“Either I take your drugs or someone else’s. Your call,” I say, walking away from him. I know that’ll get him... and I need to fly right now... cuz I am so close to falling...

My headache is waiting for me... just behind my temples... and at any second the dull throb I feel in my head... could turn into a screaming roar... but... if I fend it off... with... drugs... and drink... and fun... then... it won’t come... I know it won’t...

“Justin,” he calls my name and I stop and turn around.

“Can you just wait... till... after we have something to eat?” he asks, gripping the bottle between his fingers. “We can pick up some E...  that’s better... right?”

I nod... we’re having a discussion about illicit drugs like it’s nothing. What a fucking difference between being here... and being with... with...

I shake my head. What the fuck. I wasn’t going to think about... I force a smile on my face and pretend to laugh... falling into Brian’s arms... just need that touch... “So... where to for dinner, I’m hungry,” I say, smiling. Time for fun is now.

He laughs back, pulling me to him. “Hmm... where do you wanna go?”

“Diner?” I ask, always reliable.

“Nah... somewhere else,” he says.

“Don’t you wanna see the guys?”

“Thought you weren’t speaking with Michael anymore,” he says, mocking me a little.

I shrug. “Whatever. Hardly makes a difference now anyway,” I say.

He looks at me a little funny... then lets out a sigh as if dismissing it.

“Besides I don’t know if they’ll be there... you did hear about Emmett and Ted, right?” he asks.

I vaguely remember hearing Linds and Mel talking about Teddie being in love with Em... but I didn’t think that was going anywhere. Fuck, first Ted was in love with Michael... now Em... who the fuck will be next?

“You know they’re fucking, right?” Brian says, his nose scrunching up to show his distaste at that affair.

“Oh, Christ, Brian!” I laugh, “Don’t say that!” The image of naked Ted is flashing into my head, no matter what I do.

“It’s true,” he says... laughing under his breath. “And Ben isn’t going wherever-the-fuck it was he was going... so Michael will be keeping him on a short leash...”

“What a waste, hunh?” I whisper to Brian. “Ben must’ve been quite a fuck...”

He smirks a little, but doesn’t answer... instead his arm snakes around my waist... his lips touch mine... I wanna let go... be in his arms...

But for what? To be pushed away later?

I slide out of his grasp. “So... where?”

“Maybe I’ll surprise you,” he grabs my arm as I slip away... his fingers finally wrapping themselves firmly around my wrist. I lean back... letting him hold my full weight... if his fingers slipped I’d crash to the hardwood...

“Don’t let go,” I whisper... not really wanting him to hear me...

He yanks his arm back and I tumble forward into his arms... bracing myself against his chest... he pulls me into his embrace... “I won’t,” he says back so quietly I almost think I haven’t heard it.

I hate myself. I said more than I meant... more than he wanted to hear... but...

But...

He answered me... actually... answered me...

Don’t... I scold myself... don’t... smell his shirt... don’t... feel his breath on your neck... don’t... look at his fingers holding your wrist so tightly that you actually believe him... that he won’t let go... that he doesn’t want to... let go... of you...

Don’t... let your head... tell you there’s something... there... when there couldn’t possibly be... anything there...

Don’t fall into that trap again...

I take a step back... smiling at him... but... not gonna crowd him again... not... gonna expect... again...

“So where is this surprise,” I ask, taking another step back... he lets go of my hand... and I rifle in the closet for a jacket... remembering my other one is still sitting in the coat check at Babylon.

I turn towards Brian for an answer, and he looks... kind of disappointed. “No place special,” he says. “Just a tapas bar... new client, whatever... we can check it out.” He looks away and grabs his jacket.

“Okay...” I follow him out the door... it’s like nothing changed... and everything changed... all at the same time...

The place he takes me is totally cool and I feel kind of out of place in my jeans and muscle shirt, but I don’t fucking care as I start to realize that at least one guy is checking me out... plus the waiter... so... I flirt a little with the guy a couple tables across... keeping his gaze... talking to Brian... but looking at him... this other guy...

“Hey... you with me?” Brian finally asks... we’d finished an amazing dinner and sipped at the remainder of our wine. We didn’t really talk... Brian told me about the campaign for this client... I told him about my last project... talked about what I was going to do once school was out for summer – no fucking clue – mostly laughed at Em and Ted and Michael and Ben and talked about everything except for... except for...

“Yeah... just getting started early,” I answer. “What about him?” I nod my head a little in the direction of the guy I’ve been playing eye tag with all night.

Brian turns around in his seat and looks at him. “What about him for what?” he asks.

“What do you think,” I laugh a little under my breath. “For fucking...”

Brian gets this funny look on his face. “You wanna fuck him?”

“Do you wanna fuck him first?” I retort.

Brian shakes his head a little. “Justin, what the fuck is going on?”

I look away... try to laugh but it comes out wrong... can’t stop to think about it or it won’t make sense anymore... “Don’t know... nothing... just... playing the game, Brian,” I say.

“Well I don’t wanna play tonight,” he says back sharply.

“Well I didn’t wanna play lots of nights, but that didn’t stop me,” I reply, looking away from him and back towards the waiter. My secret is that I still don’t wanna play... but... I can’t stop myself now. Gotta get back to where we were... before it got fucked up... before I fucked it up...

He bites his lip a little at that... I know he wants to say something... know... he’s ready to fucking push something in my face... I wait... turn my gaze right on his... stare at him...

No... more... lies...

“Justin... I will ask you a thousand times until you give me an answer that makes sense...” he leans over the table and puts his hand over my arm. His palm is warm and the tips of his fingers graze my skin...

“What, Brian,” I swallow hard. I wanna tell the truth about everything... but some questions are harder to hear... than they are to answer...

“Why... are... you... here?” he says it quietly... slowly... as if I’m ignorant and won’t understand the question.

“Because,” I burst out then stop.

It’s the fucking EASIEST question I’ve ever been asked. I know the answer. I know it... like I know the sky is blue and the grass is green.

But I can’t answer. If I say nothing... then it’s not lying, right?

LIAR!!!

He stares at me... stares at me hard... and suddenly like lightening my head starts hurting again... the pain unleashing like fucking floodgates... and it’s as if it was waiting for the most inopportune moment to come fuck up my life... I scrunch up my face and I put my hand on my head and his fingers on my arm tighten and I fucking hold on hold on hold on...

“Hey...” he says.

“Head...” all I can say.

“I’m sorry,” I barely hear the words leave his mouth. “I...”

I open my eyes and stare at him... he’s all blurry and my eyes hurt... and oh fuck I feel like I’m gonna puke...

“Come on, let’s go,” he says tossing money on the table. He puts his arm around my shoulders and I let him lead me out.

So much for the game. So much for the show I wanted to put on at Babylon... recreate my King of Babylon night... let Brian find a guy then I’d steal him away... show Brian I can fuck who I want... when I want... then leave them... that I CAN leave them... show Brian that I can play his game... that I can fuck around and... that I can be... what he wants...

So much... for... all... that...

Thank God.

Thank God... I don’t have to play.

We drive home in the Jeep and I lean my head against the window... the cool glass feeling so fucking good... I feel pathetic... and wasted... and... I wish I’d had more wine...

We say nothing for most of the ride home, except Brian keeps asking me if we should go to the hospital and I keep saying no... I don’t wanna go... don’t wanna be there tonight... with the screaming babies and the puking alcohol poisoned teenagers... with the sad old people staring at me and Brian like he shouldn't be holding me the way he would and the doctor looking at us and the nurses asking questions and... and... everyone judging us... and fuck... the memories... memories... memories... that I can’t fucking remember...

No. I don’t want to go to the hospital. I’ll fucking cut my own head off before that.

We get home and I try not to lean on him in the elevator... but... it’s just spinning so much... and I don’t wanna open my eyes because the light hurts... burns like pinpricks in my eyes... he slides open the door and leads me to the couch and I feel the cushions beneath me... my shoes being tugged off... a pillow under my head... the lights dimming... a blanket over me... and... then I’m warm and I feel like I’m 10 years old and have the flu and my mom is standing over me... but the pain in my head is only like one pain I’ve ever had before... and it’s like it’s coming back just to remind me over and over and over...

How much my life has changed since then...

That... it’s very nearly one year...

Since... since...

I get the shakes suddenly and Brian puts his hand on my forehead and I wanna just say... no Brian... I’m not sick... just remembering things I can’t remember... just... remembering... that teeth shattering blow against my temple... sometimes I hear things... and it reminds me of that sound... sometimes I wake up... and I think I feel blood on my face... sometimes... I wish... I never, ever woke up... from the coma... because... sometimes... I can’t deal... with... it... anymore...

But... it brought bad things... nightmares headaches pain terror sleepless nights fear...

And it brought good things...

Brian.

He saved me... he sat in the hospital for three days... and... he took me in... and let me live here... and give him rules to live by... and he paid my tuition and he listened to my lies...

And... we... started something...

That ended...

When I fucked up...

I fucked everything up...

Maybe I can pretend it didn’t happen... that Ethan never existed... that... I never had that...

I wish I could pretend... I wish I could forget...

I want to believe that it could be the way it was before... and that I could be happy with that... just that...

But it didn’t work before...

It was based on lies... and pretending... and... not being who we could be...

Fuck...

His thumb runs across my forehead lightly... I realize... how much I crave his touch... anything... even just this... is amazing...

Goddammit...

I’m so... lost for him... if only I could get him... to listen... to... hear me... to understand... that... it’s not wrong to feel like he does... that... it’s... okay...

We finished something. Our game. Our trial run. Our... forced quasi-relationship based on Brian feeling guilty... me fucking up... us... trying to be... people we aren’t...

That’s over now...

And... I think... maybe.... just maybe....

We need to start...

Something new...

I open my eyes and I see him looking at me... his forehead’s creased up and he’s got red splotches on his cheeks... and... I just... fucking know... that...

There’s something new to start...

I open my mouth to speak... but I can’t... I can’t...

“Do you need some water?” he says it softly... and I move my head the tiniest bit in a nod... he gets up... and I don’t realize he’d been holding my hand till his fingers leave mine...

Now I feel empty without him... like I did... when I needed him inside me again... after all that time...

He’s back and puts some pills and a water bottle in my hand... I lift my head with his help and take the pills and suck back the water... my throat’s dry and it... makes me feel better... the cool on my insides cutting through the hot pain...

“Brian...” I start to speak but... don’t know what to say. Know I still can’t say what I want. I suddenly remember that day... not too long ago... and he and I stood in the shower... and... and... I was so close to telling him everything... before it got so fucking out of control... before... it got... so bad... and somehow I feel like if I’d said something then... maybe... it wouldn’t have gotten where it was... maybe... he would’ve... done different things... maybe I would’ve made different choices... maybe I wouldn’t hurt... as much... as I do... right now...

I think about that time... and think about... how... I should’ve said something...

And how maybe I need to say something... right now...

“You know what?” I ask him...

He looks at me like he did that day... eyebrows raising a little... in question...

“It doesn’t have to be this hard...” I whisper...

His eyes flick to the side... fuck... I wish I knew what he was thinking... fuck... I wish he would tell me... just tell me... something...

His mouth opens a little as though he’s going to speak... but he hesitates a second... and instead kisses me softly... then just... holds his mouth on top of mine... lips parted but pressed together... not really a kiss anymore... just... touching... as I breathe... I feel his warm air enter my lungs...

“I know...” he says it really softly... and I feel his words on my lips...

An admission... it’s something...

Something to start with...

Go on to Part 11...