All I remember from last night... is lying on the couch... my head ringing with pain... Brian’s head lay on my chest... and I stroked his hair... till the pills made me fall asleep... and... it was okay... later on... he carried me to bed... and we slept... and slept...

Woke up... spent all day working on my project... made up for lost time and focused... stopping only to drink the coffee Brian brought me and eat a couple of muffins... I don’t know if he feels sorry for me for feeling like such shit or just wants an excuse to get out of the loft on his own for a little... whatever, this morning breakfast delivery is something I could get used to.

Time for a break and I stand up and stretch... remember the messages on my cell phone... know there’ll be at least one from Mom and I should call her...

I glance over at Brian.... he’s sitting at the computer frowning at something on the screen... probably some fucked up ad campaign or a marketing report... I pick up my phone and press the button to turn it on...

I feel guilty... I know damn well there’ll be messages from Ethan... and I wanna hear them... don’t know why... I guess I really wanna know if he hates me or what...

I walk over to the chaise lounge in the corner, away from Brian... I... I don’t want him... to hear... to see... to... know...

Sitting on the edge of the chaise, I type in my password, hitting the right buttons to get my messages to play... now I have 15... and I feel a zip of white heat flow through me...

Fifteen?

Fifteen fucking messages?

God... I should delete them. I should... just fucking fast forward to the end... delete them... and... turn off my phone. Forever.

But... I listen.

“Message one. Sent Saturday at 3:15 a.m.” chimes the robotic voice.

 *click*

“End of message.”

A hang up. Great. Late Friday, early Saturday. At 3:15... I was... just stepping into... my new life. Here. Home. Had to be Ethan calling.

“Message two. Sent Saturday at 3:20 a.m.”

*click*

“End of message.”

Fuck... would he call again?

“Message three. Sent Saturday at 3:30 a.m.”

*click*

“End of message.”

“Message four. Sent Saturday at 3:35 a.m.”

“Justin...” Ethan’s voice comes through the phone... I almost want to hang up. I know I should hang up. But I don’t. “If you’re screening... please pick up. Please,” his voice sounds heavy... tired. “Please call me,” he says, then the phone disconnects.

“End of message,” the robotic voice states.

“Message five. Sent Saturday at 3:40 a.m.”

Ethan again. “Can you at least call me to let me know you’re okay? Justin... please call me... please... I’m... I’m here... okay? Please call,” he sounds desperate.

“End of message.” Fuck... why... why.... do I feel this way? Feel... my throat tighten and my stomach flip... I don’t want to hear anymore... don’t want to hear... what comes next...

“Message six. Sent Saturday at 4:25 a.m.”

“Fuck, Justin... where are you?” Ethan’s voice is raised... he’s angry... the phone clicks off suddenly.

“End of message.”

“Message seven. Sent Saturday at 4:38 a.m.”

“He’s fucking you, isn’t he! I knew you’d never leave him! I knew it! You are so fucking screwed, Justin! He’s gonna fuck you then throw you out! Wake up! I knew it! I knew it! Fuck you!” Ethan is screaming into the phone... he must have sat there... stewing... about me leaving...

“End of message.”

He’s right though... he’s right.

I’ll never leave Brian.

“Message eight. Sent Saturday at 8:30 a.m.”

“Honey, it’s mom. Please call me... I don’t understand what happened last night. Are you okay Justin? Call me,” Mom’s voice echoes through the phone and I can sense her trying so hard not to sound like a mother... I know she called my cell because she didn’t want to talk to Brian... she rarely calls our home phone here... never believes that this is really my home now...

“End of message.”

“Message nine. Sent Saturday at 10:00 a.m.”

“Hi Justin... can you please give me a call? I just want to make sure that... you know... that... well... just call me, okay?” Lindsay’s soft voice throws me off... fuck... I tried to forget that everyone was there... that everyone watched it...

“End of message.”

“Message 10. Sent Saturday at 7:00 p.m.”

“I’ve looked everywhere except the obvious. You left some shit here. Come get it.” Ethan’s voice startles me.

“End of message.”

“Message 11. Sent Saturday at 8:00 p.m.”

“Called his place, but nobody home. Guess you’re at the clubs finding someone else to fuck. Have fun,” the phone slams down hard.

“End of message.”

I can just see Ethan pushing down the receiver of the tired black phone. He doesn’t have a cell... doesn’t believe in it... fuck... I glance over at Brian’s digital cordless phone... the display blinks indicating there were calls. I delete Ethan’s message and walk over to the display... rolling down the last numbers that called here. The last eight calls... all from the same number... Ethan’s. Christ.

“Message twelve. Sent Saturday at 8:30 p.m.”

“Can you please call me before you come over so I can make sure I’m not here? Thanks,” Ethan doesn’t do sarcasm well... one of the problems when you wear your heart on your sleeve...

“End of message.”

“Message 13. Sent Saturday at 9:45 p.m.”

“I lied... I love you Justin... I fucking love you so much... please... give me another chance... I’ll do anything... please...” Ethan’s tear-filled voice hangs in the phone... he sounds like he’s been drinking... probably...

“End of message.”

“Message 14. Sent Saturday at 11:30 p.m.”

“Please, Justin... please...” the phone cuts away... and I hear Ethan start to play the violin... fuck... the song... the one... that I think of... when I think of him.... and... I start to cry... because... I don’t know what I’ve done... what have I done... God... it was a month... but... a month when I felt more alive than I had in a long time... felt... loved... confident... sensual... smart... everything...

Now... I feel... I don’t know...

“End of message,” the robotic voice cuts off Ethan’s serenade...

“Message 15. Sent Sunday at 3:00 a.m.”

“I’m lying in bed... like I did every night at three o’clock after you left... imagining you climbing into his bed... and wishing... that I could be him... just for one day... just for one second... to know what it feels like to be loved by you... bye Justin...” Ethan’s soft voice into the phone... the rustle of sheets... I know he really is lying there... on that uncomfortable bed... where I laid beside him... always watching the clock... always... calculating times... always... trying to think up some excuse for Brian... to lie...

“End of message.”

There are no more. That’s it. It’s over.

I try not to let my face show it... try not... to feel anything... try... to... pretend...

But... it doesn’t matter... and I bury my face in my hands... hold on...

I wonder... if... I traded a lifetime of love... for... a lifetime... of... waiting for... 30 second silent declarations... if I now hang all my hope... on Brian... deciding whether or not to let me know... he needs me... or wants me around... or... loves me... on Brian... feeding me a word or two that would mean nothing to anyone else... but means the world to me...

Why am I here?

Is loving Brian enough?

A fresh round of warm tears spring to my eyes and I try to blink them back, but they trickle down my cheeks instead...

What a mess I’m in... I love a man... that won’t love me back... and I don’t think he won’t love me because that’s the way he makes me feel... I think he won’t love me because he told me so... he fucking told me... he won’t won’t won’t... won’t love me... 

Fuck...

Last night suddenly seems meaningless... nothing... the words he said... his efforts... unproven... and all I know is... I hurt... I fucking hurt...

My shoulders shake a little and I try to suck back a sob... I don’t want him to know... how much pain I’m in right now... thinking about Ethan... thinking about Brian... thinking about me...

Then... a warm hand on my back... I jump... fuck...

“It’s okay,” Brian says... and sits down beside me...

“I wish it never happened, Brian...”

“I know...” he says...

“It’s just that... I got tired of waiting... always waiting for you...” I breathe it out...

“I’m here now, Justin,” he says... and... I just...

Look at him.

He is here. Right now. And today... and yesterday... and last night... and... how many times did I come home in  the last month and he was waiting for me... and... how many times... did... I leave him... here...

Fuck. When I was so busy not waiting for him.... he started waiting for me.

I wanna be hopeful... I wanna... say the things I want to say... but instead... all that comes out is... my fear...

“I know, Brian... but for how long...” I have to say it... no more lying.... I can’t lie to him about how I feel anymore...

His shoulders drop a little... he looks at the ground... I don’t know if he’s pissed at me... or just... trying to figure out how to answer... or... or... fighting with himself inside... or... what...

“You know... you don’t... owe me anything, right?” he says it quietly... struggling with the words, and I... I don’t know if it’s a real question... or a challenge... or...

“Of course I know that... fuck, Brian, give me a break,” I spit back at him... I take it as an insult... does he really think that’s why I came back? Because I feel some need to repay a fucking debt to him for saving my life or paying my tuition? Christ. And me being here is hardly repayment.

He gets up and walks towards the kitchen... his back to me. Anger burns in me... I don’t know where it came from, but I’m suddenly sick of all his doubletalk... always answering my questions with more questions... fuck, I’ve always been sick of it, and now... I need to just... get away from it... I need... to reassure myself that... I’ve made the right decision... after hearing Ethan’s words of love... and... then getting... the same old shit from Brian...

He doesn’t understand... so... doesn’t understand...

I drop my phone on the chaise and stand up... I rub my fingers across my eyelids... I don’t wanna stress out... I don’t wanna fucking give into this... if I always let myself get angry... we’ll never get anywhere...

But... if I don’t get some of this shit off my chest... it’s gonna sit there forever... and weigh me down forever... till it clouds over our relationship... covers over everything... and we end up where we were two weeks ago... hidden from each other behind lies and pretending... not talking... not listening... not... accepting...

I take a few steps closer to him and I see him rubbing his fingers across his forehead... back and forth, back and forth... I almost give in and touch his back... almost... let myself feel sorry for him... but then I remember... that... I’ve felt that way too much... felt sorry for him, felt sorry for me... too many times...

It has to stop.

“Brian,” I say it to his back... because he won’t look at me...

Silence.

“Brian... hey,” louder, this time... more forceful... I need him to at least acknowledge me...

Silence.

I stare at his broad shoulders... his cotton shirt hanging out the back of his pants... look at the frayed cuffs of his jeans... resting on top of his bare feet... study him... drink him in... stare at him... wonder how I can love him so much... when I feel this hatred for who he is... and how he makes me feel...

“Are you going to talk to me... or just let me stand here like an idiot?” I say it loud to his back... I am NOT going to give in... I am NOT going to give in... I am NOT going to give in...

Still... nothing...

“This is always what it’s about Brian... me having to give in... you trying to make me do what you want... me having to make decisions about us... you not wanting to commit to one fucking thing...” My voice rises... I don’t mean to yell.... actually, fuck, yes, I DO mean to yell... because it feels good to yell... and it feels good to say these things... rage seethes up inside me and suddenly I just want to fucking WAKE HIM UP! My hand flies out and I whack him on the arm.

His head jumps a little, but he still doesn’t speak. I hit him harder, my fingers stinging as they smack against the cotton of his shirt.

“Talk to me, Brian!” I yell at him and I can’t help it... I can’t fucking help it... I wanna grab him by the shoulders and shake him and shake him and shake him until he fucking talks to me... I need to talk... I need to not lie anymore...

I’m frustrated and I hate this and I can’t do it anymore and I don’t know what I’ve done or who I am and I need something from him and I need to get mad and tell him everything and I need him to tell me that I hurt him and I need to feel guilty and bad and I need to cry and let it out but I can’t if I’m the only one of us that it means anything to...

I can’t be the only one that cares...

I can’t hold us together on my own...

I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t deal with this right now... because... because I might say things I don’t mean... and I don’t want to make it any worse than it already is... I gotta get out of here for a little bit... calm down...

I brush past him on my way to the door, and his hand shoots out and grabs my wrist... his palm is clammy... damp and hot... his fingers close tightly on my arm... fuck, it hurts... I see dark pools of blood forming on my skin between his fingers...

“You’re not leaving,” he says quietly... and it kind of freaks me out and makes me excited in a fucked up way at the same time...

But he’s only trying to get me to do what he wants... only playing with me... I know it know it know it... I try pulling out of his grip, but he only squeezes me harder... I start punching at him with my other arm... pushing him away from me... twisting my arm in his fingers but he doesn’t let go...

He turns me around and then I feel the door against my back... he grabs both my wrists and presses me into it... I’m trapped between the steel and Brian... I look into his eyes and see that fucking fire I’ve seen too many times before... that look of ‘Justin, you fucked up’... and I thought I wanted to hear it and feel it but maybe I don’t... maybe I don’t...

“You want me to say something?” he says it slowly and deliberately, from between tight lips... his voice low... growling at me...

I can’t move... don’t dare speak... just hold my breath... wanting him to say something... needing him to fucking say something... but so scared... that he’ll tell me what I don’t want to hear... to shut up... to grow up... to get out of his life...

God... I can’t do that...

He squeezes my wrists harder, thumping them lightly against the door. “Do you?”

I nod quickly.

“You want me to tell you how... how... shitty you made me feel?” he spits it into my face.

I hiccup in a breath. I thought I wanted... I thought... I did... I don’t know... I don’t move...

“You want me to tell you... how...  I felt... fucking replaced? Dumped? Like... like... fucking second place?” he says it louder... his eyes are red and watery and his voice is getting hoarse and oh God, why did I think I wanted to hear this...

I shake my head... no... don’t say that, Brian... I want to say it out loud... want to tell him it’s not true... but... fuck... fuck... I shake my head again...

“Ever since I first met you... you’ve... pushed at me over... and over... and over... and then... then I finally... fucking... give in... and... and...” he looks away, sighing deeply... the guilt I feel... is overwhelming... and... not nearly as redeeming as I thought it would be...

He loosens his grip... I open my mouth to speak... I want to tell him... I didn’t mean to push... I didn’t mean to hurt... I... didn’t mean... anything... that I don’t know what I want...

Then his face is back in mine. “You gave up on me.” An accusation. Placing blame for all this. On me.

I know I deserve it. But not all of it.

“I didn’t give up on you,” I push the words out of my throat and they come out much louder than I meant.

They’re hardly out of my mouth before he’s in my face again. “Don’t fucking lie anymore, Justin,” his fingers are kneading my wrists... my skin feels hot and damp... I’m on fire everywhere... and... and...

“I won’t,” I stutter out. I don’t know if I’m lying or not... I don’t know anything... “I won’t lie, Brian...”

He shakes his head...

“Brian... I gave up on us,” I say it quickly and his eyes bear into mine.

“No,” he says it loud... and I don’t know if he doesn’t believe me... or....

“I took the easy road.... I copped out... I... fucked up... I’m sorry I lied... I’m sorry I got beat up... I’m sorry... I ever fell in love with you... I’m sorry for everything... ” A string of words spill from my lips... I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore...

“No!” he bangs my wrists against the door... his hazel eyes burn... and... his face is red... and he shouts again, “Don’t say that!”

“You don’t want me, Brian... not really me...” I drop my head... hate to hear my fucking whiny little voice... don’t say this! I scream to myself... don’t tell him... don’t... fucking tell him you can’t be who he wants... have... to try... fuck... have to... Christ...

He presses his body to mine suddenly, hard... “Fuck, Justin! That’s all I want!” he yells it out and then sucks in a breath... he didn’t mean to say it... but... this blank look falls across his face... and... I know... I must have the same expression... shock... confusion... looking like fucking idiots... because we’ve just said more to each other in the last two minutes than we ever have in our whole fucking lives...

His eyes flick across my face back and forth... trying to read me... trying... to figure out... what’s going on inside my brain... but there’s nothing... nothing... oh fuck... I... I...

...part my lips...

...inhale deeply...

...stare at him...

...not thinking... not consciously aware of anything... nothing... except... the intensity of him... his gaze... his body... pushing against mine... the smell and heat and pressure...

Fuck...

I’ve never wanted him more...

I lean forward... the tiniest bit... need to get closer... right... now...

And then he’s fucking on me... he pushes his lips against mine... kissing me hard... devouring me... our teeth knock together and my head clangs back against the door and he shoves my hands higher above my head and I wrap one leg around him pulling him closer to me... he grinds his crotch into mine and his tongue slides down my throat and I feel like I’ll choke but I suck it back and he starts making these moans into my mouth and holy fuck it turns me on so goddamn much I think I might cum in my pants and I hear myself start whimpering and I can’t hardly breathe he’s pushing all the air out of my lungs with his body jammed up against mine and what’s left he sucks down his throat and I feel dizzy but oh God nothing would ever make me stop this now...

Can’t move can’t move can’t move... just take his mouth on mine and eat him up... suck on his tongue and inhale his breath and bite at his lips and feel his nose pressed into my cheek as he tries to get inside me down my throat and he’s rubbing his cock against mine through our pants and and and oh fuck ah ah ah ah Christ! I let out a scream from my throat into his mouth and I feel hot cum squirt into my pants, my dick spasming against my underwear and I feel like I’m fucking 17 again lying in his bed while he jacks me off and I cum over and over at the slightest touch but I don’t fucking care I don’t care don’t care...

He knows I came and backs off my dick a little but doesn’t end the relentless attack on my lips... spit drips down my chin, warm lines of wet that cool in the air, sliding down my skin... he lets go of my wrists and I wrap my hands around his neck, feeling his hair between my fingers, pressing his face closer to mine... his sweaty palms slide down the back of my pants cupping my ass, his nails scratch up my skin clawing at me and I pull him to me, press his crotch back to mine, my dick getting hard again and I know more than anything I fucking need him inside me right now...

He gets down on his knees and pulls me with him and our mouths part like that and he flips me over and suddenly I’m staring at the floor, his fingers around my waist pulling down my pants and I hear him pop open the buttons of his jeans and a tear of a wrapper and then oh FUCK! he’s slammed his cock into me so hard, I yell out like the first fucking time and he grabs my hips and I put my damp palms on the hardwood to brace myself from sliding, I can’t move, my pants barely pulled down, just enough for him to get in my ass... and... hunh hunh hunh hunh... fuck fuck... he pulls at my hair and oh God I suddenly realize I’m screaming ‘fuck me, fuck me, fuck me’ over and over and he does...

Ah, ah, ah... God! Fuck! Shit! It hurts so much but feels so good, his cock filling me up stretching me inside thrusting and thrusting inside over and over and we’re both grunting and panting my body covered in sweat under my clothes and his finger nails dig into me and I reach behind me and grab a handful of his hair and pull on it hard pulling him towards me grabbing hold of the only thing I can then he yanks his head out of my grip hard and I’m left with a few strands of hair between my fingers I feel his body leave my back like he’s sitting up he grabs at my hips taking handfuls of my pants in his fists and he pulls back hard forcing my ass closer to him when I couldn’t possibly get closer but then somehow I do and then his teeth are on my shoulder and I swear to God he’s biting me eating me whole and then the pounding really starts and he drives his cock so hard inside me I feel like I’m leaving the ground I feel it in my throat I swear he’s farther inside me than ever before like my hole is getting bigger just to take him inside, all of him inside...

Oh oh oh oh shit shit every push in I suck in a breath until I’m hyperventilating pulling short gasps of air into my lungs to feed my hammering heart God God God he falls back on top of me pushing my shirt up to expose my back and I feel his hot naked skin press against mine, we stick together sweaty and hot and he wraps one arm around my neck and the other across my chest pulling me towards him hard, hard, hard... back and forth back and forth back and forth I’m burning I’m gonna explode gonna blow apart and then it’s like a fucking huge long orgasm back and forth and back and forth inside me so fast and I cum hard pushing back on his dick and clenching my ass tight as I do and I can’t yell loud enough can’t get the sound out of my throat it’s too much too much too much, then he cums, roaring in my ears squeezing me to him hard... my heart is screaming in my chest banging against my ribcage like it wants to get out out out his breath pushes out over my head in a gasp and his thrusts slow... but don’t stop... and I beg him please, not to stop... to please fuck me again again again and his dick feels different inside me, soft then full, but different, with each slide inside me I feel wetness around my hole and I know it’s the condom, full with his cum getting pushed out of the tight ring and down my thighs... but I don’t want him to leave... my underwear is heavy and wet with two loads of cum and we’re both such a fucking mess but I don’t want him to leave me fuck don’t leave don’t leave don’t go away...

Sweaty, we stick together... his cock moving in and out of me... slowly slowly slowly... but not stopping... he keeps telling me it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay... and I don’t know why until I realize I’m sobbing... tears streaming down my face... just begging him... to stay inside me... and... I just don’t want him to leave me... I just don’t want to leave him... again... ever... ever... ever...

I crumple to the floor... his body follows me down... his dick still inside me... he holds me to him tightly... I just can’t stop bawling... it’s like every tear I ever wanted to shed over Brian... is coming to me now... and I feel his body shake behind me... and... I hear him sniff and I put my hands on top of his... and... squeeze them hard...

I hiccup in a breath and finally stop... he relaxes his grip... we both pant hard... shuddering breaths... leaving our bodies... exhausted... spent... drained...

“This is so fucked up, Brian,” I say and then I laugh a little because it is... and there is no other word for it...

He lets out a quiet laugh behind me... a burst of breath against my shoulder... he sniffs again...

“Yeah, it is...” he says... “But... it’s good... it’s ours... it’s... us...” he whispers this into my ear and his lips brush my ear in a kiss.

I nod... it is ours... only ours... our fucked up relationship... we never should’ve worked... never should’ve gotten this far... we’re... in two different worlds... I was never supposed to be more than a fuck... one anonymous twink in a string of faceless, nameless tricks that would never end... he was never supposed to be more than the man I’d always remember as my first... some guy that picked me up... fucked me... then left me with only a wonderful, recurring dream...

Yet... here we are... together...

Don’ t know why it’s so right... just is...

We lie still for a moment... but the floor is hard and cold and I’m starting to feel sticky and gross... and we both stand up and strip off our clothes...

He grins at me and takes my hand, pulling me towards the bathroom... towards the shower... but... but...

I have something to say first.

Have to say it.

Now... or never...

“Brian, wait...” I say it quietly... don’t know if I actually have the nerve to do this or not... but... I wanna start right this time.

No... more... lies...

He stops and turns to me... still holding my hand... puts his warm palm on my shoulder, looking at me... like... he’s afraid I’m going to wreck this... change this...

Maybe I am... maybe...

“You asked me a question before,” I look down at our toes... staring at something...

“You don’t have to answer anything,” he says and pushes his forehead against mine...

“No, I want to answer this one... you asked me why I was here,” my voice is soft and I wish it could be stronger but fuck it’s all I can do to just get it out...

He pulls his head away and looks at me... I stare at his eyes... and I know he wants to hear the answer...

“I’m not here because... I have nowhere else to go... I’m not here because... you saved my life... I’m not here because you... paid for my school...” my voice betrays me and cracks a little... God help me if he ever thought that of me...

“I’m here for one, simple reason...” I reach up and touch his face with my fingers... see... what he must’ve looked like a long time ago... see... maybe a little bit of the real Brian... see... inside him, past the shade across his eyes... past everything he tries to be.... and see... who he really is...

“I’m here because I love you, Brian... completely,” I close my eyes... don’t wanna see his reaction... don’t wanna see anything... only want him to know that... I said it for me... and I don’t expect him to ever say it back... I turn away from him and start pulling him towards the bathroom...

Christ... I feel relieved... so much fucking better... I said it. I finally said it... it’s out... once and for all... and it's a good place to start...

I feel a tug on my hand, and I turn back towards him. He’s standing there... looking at me... kind of funny... kind of... I don’t know what it is... he looks down at the ground...

“Justin... wait...”

Go on to Part 12...