The shower feels good... I turn up the heat so it’s hot on my skin... and I wash away the cum from my fingers... scrub at my ass... to rid myself... of any trace... of him... the other...

I never want to think of him again.

My head is spinning and it hurts so much... suddenly I feel like I’m going to puke and I bang open the shower door and lift the lid to the toilet and retch... but there’s nothing inside me to come out... I haven’t eaten in at least a day... and... no wonder I feel... so dizzy... and my head hurts... the cold air hits my wet skin... I’m freezing... but... I can’t move...

And... oh God...

I don’t know what I’m doing...

Don’t know... why... I’m here...

My head my head my head... God oh God oh God... make the pain... go away...

I finally...

Let... the tears come out... I fall to the tile beside the toilet... water everywhere... I’m naked... and cold... and I don’t fucking care... about anything anymore...

I don’t hear Brian enter... just feel the towel wrap around my back... and it makes the tears come even more... because... I needed... this one little gesture... so much... needed... to know... that... I was welcome here... again...

Because... I don’t know who I am anymore...

His fingers cup the back of my head... his strong hands... that I always loved... and he sits beside me on the tile... wrapping his other arm around my chest... and he pulls me to him...

I fall into his arms... put my head on his chest... and just fucking cry.... I hate how stupid I am... I hate how much I hurt... I hate... that... I had to make a choice for myself... and I hate that... I love Brian so much... and that... a tiny little thing from Brian... means... so much more than... everything Ethan’s ever given me...

His fingers stroke my wet hair... and he’s just whispering over and over and over... it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay...

Christ... I hope he’s right... I fucking hope he means that... because I need it to be okay so bad...

I just left... someone who loves me... so fucking much... and I’ll admit... I loved him a little too... I loved... how much... he loves me...

Fuck... I left that... to come here... come back... to... I don’t know what... I don’t know what Brian can give me... what... he will ever... ever... give me...

All I have... is what I can give him... and hope to God... he doesn’t throw it away... hope to God... he at least... keeps it...

Christ... I don’t wanna end up like him... alone and miserable... I wanna end up... like... me and him together... the people I know we can be... who we can be... together...

I wanna tell him everything... but it’s so hard right now... and I feel so sleepy... and my head hurts... and Brian... always makes me feel safe.

I close my eyes... and... forget everything... forget the last year... forget the pain... and only remember the love...

I let him take me away...

Go on to Part 5...