Godammit... I just wish my headache would go away so I could think... so... I could focus on something else... and... not listen to Brian move around the loft... listen to him... be here...

He opens the shutters and goes into the bathroom... I lie here... pretending to be asleep... listen to him shower... blow dry his hair... get dressed...

Think of how many times... I’ve heard these things...

Think of... how familiar they are... think of... my life here...

He leaves the bedroom and closes the shutters again, adding some darkness to the bedroom... then I hear the door to the loft open... close... and he’s gone.

I slide my feet over the side of the bed... touching the ground... without raising my head... then... bite the bullet and very slowly sit up... ignoring the head rush... the spinning of the room... I sit there for a second... wait for it... to slow down...

I open one of the drawers and pull on my sweat pants and find a clean t-shirt... moving as slowly as I can... I can’t just lie in bed anymore... I need to get up... I have so much fucking school work to do... Christ... I wish the world could stop just because I feel like shit... but it doesn’t... and I need to be creative and open and not think about what a fucking mess my life is... I need to just let myself... get lost... in my art... just for a couple of hours...

I grab a glass of juice and forgo the heavy duty pills and take some Advil instead... the prescription pills will only put me to sleep again... and as much as I want them... I’ve already slept away half the day... I plunk myself down in front of the computer... try to lose myself... despite the screaming in my head...

The procrastinator in me wins, and after a couple minutes of staring at the screen, I get up to go to the bathroom.... I stare at myself in the mirror while I’m washing my hands... I look at the red mark on my head and vaguely remember Brian asking me about it last night... asking me if Ethan hit me...

Christ... what the fuck happened last night?

I made a decision. I made a choice.

Probably the wrong one. In fact, I know it was the wrong one.

But...

I’m stubborn. And insistent. And... weak. So fucking weak.

I listen to my heart instead of my head. I give in to my selfish desires... instead of doing what I know I should... doing what... is the right thing to do...

And... fuck... I’m not going to cry like some little wuss... I’m fucking 19 years old... and... too old for this shit... I’m... not in high school... I’m not some love struck teenager... but... I think about Ethan and how I left him... and I think about Brian and how he just left me... and... I think... again... for the five hundredth time...

What the fuck am I doing here?

I can’t stop the tear from running down my cheek... and I let it out... I’m finally alone... I am alone... all alone...

Deep breath. Okay. Deep breath. Just... keep... breathing...

And... expect... nothing.

Ever.

From Brian Kinney.

I know how stupid I was... trying to recreate what Ethan had for me... with Brian... and the very fact... that I even, ever had the fucking thought... that... by... pretending that Ethan was Brian... that... I would get what I want... just proves to me... that... I could never be the person that Ethan wanted me to be... that I could never be anyone else... but this person I am...

And...

Why did I try to do it to Brian?

Why did I try to change him... to be... something... that he’s not... knowing... that really... the things that I hate him for... are the same things I love him for...

His independence...

His strength...

His arrogance...

His confidence...

His sexual attraction...

I’m smart enough to know... that... most of the appeal of Ethan... was that he wasn’t Brian... and most of the thrill of Ethan... was doing it... behind Brian’s back... and... as long as I was still with Brian... I’d never have to commit to Ethan...

And I know I couldn’t have done that... couldn’t have ever committed to Ethan...

With his expectations... his promises... his words of love...

I could never have met those expectations... held by those promises... returned his words...

Not when I had no heart in my chest... not... when my heart was still so close to Brian’s...

I’m back here... because... I... because... I...

Have given too much... to give up now...

Have gone too far... to turn back now...

Have to...

Try... again... or...

Maybe just...

Stop trying... so hard...

Stop trying to... make something out of nothing... make... a relationship where there is none... make... Brian into a boyfriend... when he will never be anything like that...

Just... focus on... the nights together... when it’s just us... the mornings we share... when it’s always just us... those weekend afternoons we spend together... and the crazy nights at Babylon when we take over the dance floor and I know everyone is looking at us... watching me... watching Brian... and I love being...

Part of it.

Just being part of it.

Part of Brian’s life... part of Brian’s world... just taking what he’ll give me... and being satisfied with that.

Because maybe I’m not worth any more than that.

Maybe... he’s right... maybe... I’m too young for this... too young to fall in love... 

Maybe I don’t know what I want...

I hear the door slide open and I peek my head out of the bathroom... he’s only been gone for 15, 20 minutes... I’m surprised he’s back so soon...

Then I see him... with cups of coffee and a paper bag full of bagels... and... and...

I feel another small victory has been won...

I take a step down the stairs and he looks up at me, all surprised... and a smile slips across his face... he... puts down the coffee... and... just looks at me...

Fuck...

Brian can make you feel... so fucking important... when he turns that gaze on you... hazel eyes... glinting... the way his face... just seems so different... when... he’s caught in a smile...

“You’re up...” he says it like a question...

“Yeah... homework...”

“Hm,” he says, nodding a little. The smile’s gone... he caught himself...

“Is that for me?” I ask pointing to the other coffee.

He looks at it, as if he forgot it was there. “Yeah... if you want it,” he pushes it towards me. “I got some bagels too... if you’re hungry.”

“I’m always hungry, you know that,” I take the steaming coffee from him. God, it smells good... and smells familiar... and maybe... I can get through this... without... changing at all...

“Feeling better?” he asks, not looking at me, focusing on sipping his coffee.

I shrug. “I guess,” I pull the bag towards me and take out a bagel. Fuck, I’m hungry.

“You gonna tell me what happened?” he still won’t look at me... fiddling with the rim of his cup... flicking the lid up... and down... up... and down...

I swallow my mouthful of food and let his question hang in the air. “You and your fucking questions,” I say finally and grab another bagel from the bag and head back to the computer. I sit down and stare at the screen, picking up the stylus and going back to work on my project.

He sighs loudly. “Quit shitting me,” he says. That’s Brian. Point blank.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I reply. That’s the new me. Avoidance.

He’s silent again then I feel him behind me. He watches me work for minute... making me VERY uncomfortable... but... I don’t say anything... Christ... I can feel his eyes on my neck... I can feel the warmth of his body so close to me...

Then... his fingers are in my hair... brushing against my scalp... I close my eyes for a second... my fingers relax... and I drop the stylus...

He kneels down beside me... and his lips touch my ear... I feel his breath before I hear his words...

“Justin... tell me...” he whispers...

I wanna be mad but I can’t... I wanna be strong but I can’t... the tips of his fingers... gliding across my skin... sliding down my neck... rubbing me... massaging me... fuck... I let my head drop... and it’s making my headache... go away a little... it’s making me... feel better... and... I let go...

“There’s nothing to tell,” I breathe out the words...

“Did he hurt you?” he asks... and... I remember last night... Ethan’s hands on my back... pushing me to the ground... but I deserved that... so fucking deserved that...

“Not as much as I hurt him...” I let that hang in the air...

“Justin...” his fingers stop moving... and... he grips me around the back of my neck... I look at him... and... God...

I love him...

I so fucking love him...

He’ll never be who I want... he’ll never... change for me... he’ll never... love me... the way... I want him to...

But...

But...

“What?” my voice barely leaves my throat...

He moves... closer... leans... his forehead... against mine... I close my eyes... smell him... so close... that warm Brian smell... coffee and aftershave and leather...

“I would care... if you weren’t here,” as the words leave his mouth... I slowly draw in a breath... pull those words into my body... hold them inside... as though... his breath carried them... as though... they were something physical... that existed...

I open my eyes... and his are still closed... I put my hands on either side of his face... and tilt his head up to mine... and kiss him... so softly...

And... right now...

I don’t need to hear anything else...

Go on to part 7...