I’m pathetic.

I know it.

Absolutely... pathetic.

All... I could say to him... the only... declaration... I could give him... is to tell him I would care if he left me.

How about... I would fucking die... if he left me... because that’s closer to the truth. I’d die inside... as a failure... to him, to me... a failure... in learning to love... learning to change... learning to accept...

But... I gave him... all... I could...

And... he accepted it...

Christ... why does he love me so much? What have I done... to deserve this?

He kisses me softly... and I wrap my arms around him... and pull him up... and into my arms... clutching him to my chest... 

I know it’s not over... I know it’s... not fixed... I know... there’s so much more... I need to give him...

And I’m trying...

I’m going to try...

I need to try...

Because... if I can’t love... him... if I can’t... find a way... to... let Justin in...

Justin, who... has... given me every... fucking... thing... he can...

Then I might as well... just kill myself now...

Spare everyone else the pain...

Of ever knowing me...

Of possibly loving me...

Bad enough... there’s Lindsay and Mikey... who I know love me... anyway... despite... all the things they know about me...

But...

What about... my son?

I’d rather die than ever hurt him.

Better off... his mother tells him... what a great man... she believed me to be... better off that... he listens to Mikey... and learns from him... the wonderful lies that I know Mikey would tell... 

Than for Gus... to ever experience this man... I think I’ve turned into...

This replica of abusive Jack with hateful Joanie thrown in... a hybrid of miserable parents... a combination of two people... that created... one boy... that tried all his life... not... to be hurt... and now... needs to learn... how... not to hurt...

I feel Justin’s hands... slip under my shirt... they’re cold... he’s cold... I want nothing more than to pull him into bed... cover him with my body... and lie with him all day... stroking his hair... kissing his skin...

But I just pull him against my chest tightly... his soft blond hair brushing against my cheek... his familiar scent just overpowering me...  every inch of his body... seeming so close to mine... seeming to press against me... we just hold on to this moment... because it’s all okay right now...

“Brian...” he whispers quietly...

“Yeah...”

“Let’s go back to bed...” he says...

“What about your homework?” I have to ask.

“Fuck it,” he says it into my shoulder and I feel his warm breath through my shirt... and he’s right... I remember telling him once... that... this was important... that WE were important...

I kiss the side of his head and release my grip around him... he grabs my hand and I follow him up the steps to the bed... he lets go of me... and pulls his t-shirt over his head... kicks off his pants... and stands there... looking at me... expectantly...

Naked...

So... fucking open...

All I see is the love in his eyes... his... blind devotion to me... and... all I want... is for him... to know somehow... how important he is to me...

Because I know he won’t see it in my eyes... I can’t show it... spent too long hiding it...

He takes a step towards me and unbuttons my jeans... sliding them down over my hips... I pull open the buttons on my shirt and it falls off my shoulders... I step out of my pants... and kick them aside...

We climb into bed together, slipping under the sheets...  and we lie on our sides and he wraps his body around me... I hold him tightly... my hands crossing over his back and sliding under his armpits... I hear his breath leave his chest...

“Christ, Brian...” he laughs a little, struggling for a breath... I’m practically squeezing the air right from him...

“I don’t want to let go,” I whisper quietly... letting the words slip past... I didn’t mean to say it out loud but I did...

He looks at me a little surprised... staring into my eyes... and... I look away... can’t have those blue eyes interrogate me... like they do... he puts his hand on my chin and forces me to look at him...

“Then don’t,” he puts his lips against mine... not expecting me to say anything else... not letting me say anything else... and... I feel so fucking vulnerable I can’t stand it... almost feel... panicked... and... sick... because I know... that... I’m so fucked... so lost... so... gone...

I feel like everything is spinning out of control... and... I do what I can to resume some semblance of sanity... I grab his shoulders and roll him onto his back... sliding on top of him... pinning him to the bed... his legs wrap around my hips and our mouths never part...

I love that he tastes like Justin again... not like... someone else... not like... fresh out of the shower clean... but... like Justin... and I smell him... just him... his skin warmed by sleep and his face fresh with tears he tried to hide... and...

I can do this...

I can do this...

Fuck... it’s what everyone else is searching for... all Mikey has ever wanted... all Ted has ever wanted... all Emmett has ever wanted...

All Justin wants...

And I have it thrown into my lap... and I push it away...

Not anymore... not anymore... not anymore...

I pull my mouth from his... lick his face... and he smiles... and tips his head back... I slide my tongue down his throat... he loosens his grip around my waist... lets me slip through his legs... move down his body... smelling him... licking him... kissing him... his fingers in my hair guide me... as I near his cock... and then I’m there... and I pull his dick into my mouth... he sucks in a gulp of air... I bury my face in his groin... milking his cock with my tongue... tasting his pre-cum on my lips...

My mouth slides up and down his shaft... and I feel him twitching inside me... he draws in little breaths... then a sigh... little breaths... sigh... and I take all of him into my mouth... rubbing the back of my throat against the head of his cock... I drown... in the warm scent of his pubic hair... tickling my lips and nose...

Then his fingers grip my hair hard and he pulls me up... my mouth sliding off his dick... his legs squeeze around my chest and he pulls his knees up... I move with him... his mouth is on mine now... tongue diving inside me... lips... pressing against mine... his dick hitting me on the stomach... so fucking wet and hot... it burns... he tips his hips up and... I’m ready to drive my cock in him... he’s urging me on... rocking his hips back and forth... his mouth... covering mine... and he’s making these little noises... whimpering... his fingers yanking on my hair so hard... and it’s frantic... fucking crazy... and I put my dick at his hole... feel the heat from my own cock on my fingers... and... I press against his asshole... press harder... start to enter him... then...

Oh fuck...

Almost... fucking...

Shit...

I try to pull my face from his... need to... Christ... I need to... get...

A condom...

He holds my hair so tightly... strands woven between his fingers... kissing me... so hard... devouring me... and I can’t break his spell... he just keeps urging me on... urging me... and I want to so bad... so fucking bad... my dick is... pressing just inside him... I can feel the warmth of his hole clenching around me... trying to pull me in...  oh Christ...

I can’t... fucking... can’t...

I reach out... and feel for the bowl beside the bed... and he realizes what I’m doing... and it’s almost like... he’s...

Disappointed...

He wanted it... that way...

He always wants it... that way...

Raw... 

Skin on skin...

But... I pull the head of my dick from him... he whispers my name... I roll on the condom with one hand... then... put my cock back home... and puuuuusssshhhhh hard inside him... one stroke... and I’m in... and he groans loudly... air pushing from his lungs as I slide inside... I hold my hips hard against his ass for a moment... he draws in gulps of air... then my mouth is on his and we kiss and kiss and fuck and oh... I could fuck him forever... 

I pull back for long... hard strokes... sliding out sooooooo far... then slamming back in... driving my cock inside him hard... the way he likes... I wrap my fingers around his knees and spread his legs... then push them back over my shoulders... his thighs against his chest... and I lean against him... kissing him... covering his mouth... his breath coming hard through his nose... his tongue wrestling with mine... his cock against my stomach... I press my dick into him... and give him short, hard pushes inside... little jabs against his prostate... he makes a noise with each one... till... he’s got my tongue between his teeth... nibbling it... then biting harder... and I know he’s going to cum... and I start sliding out further again... trying to make it last... but his fingers find my skin and he grabs me anywhere... forcing me back into him...

We’re impossibly close... legs and arms and tongues intertwined... oh... fuck... then... it’s... oh... right there... that... split second... where... his ass squeezes around my cock... and... I... just... ah... stop moving... my cock swelling... inside him... and... I ride... the crest... of my orgasm... as... long... as... I can...

Then... his warm cum hits me in the face... shooting up from between us... and that’s it... I taste it on my lips... and... I let go... pushing inside him... with every spurt... from him... every... little... gasp... from him... and... I cum... squeezing my eyes shut... sucking in full breaths of the heavy scent of our sweat...

I fall on top of him... releasing his legs... smearing his cum between us... pressing my cheek against his... I feel him breathing hard beneath me... and I start to roll off him... but he wraps his arms and legs around me... holding me on top of him...

I stay...

Close my eyes...

And feel like... for the first time... in weeks and weeks...

Like... everything’s back to normal...

Better than normal...

Almost... perfect...

I sleep.

Go on to Part 8...