Fucked again... and... it feels so good...

Christ...

It was never... ever... ever... like this with Ethan...

Never.

When Brian fucks me... it’s like... the whole world has stopped... he knows exactly how hard... how fast... when to slow down... when to tease... when to pound inside me so fucking hard... I can’t breathe or think... I just lose myself... in the ecstasy... don’t think about cumming or not cumming... just ride the wave... till before I know it... I shoot... and when I think it can’t possibly feel any better... everything fucking explodes... heart stops... can’t breathe... eyes squeeze shut... and... GodohGod... it always feels so... so... fucking good...

It’s never been like that with another... not even close...

And even if he won’t... fuck me... in that one way... that I really, really want... the one thing... I want to share with him... the one thing... that I can’t have... because of the life he chooses to lead...

It’s still better than anything...

Absolutely anything...

After we fucked I pulled him on top of me... and he’s been lying here for the last little while... I listened to his heavy breathing... turn into long deep breaths... then... into a tiny little snore... and now he’s asleep... he’s heavy but I don’t care... I feel like every inch of my body is covered by him... his cheek pressing against the side of my face... his breath warming the crook of my neck...  his chest... on top of mine... I can almost feel his heart beat... my arms wrapped around his back... my dick... pressed into his belly... my thighs against his... my ankles holding him to the bed... I’ve completely captured him...

And he sleeps...

So soundly... peacefully...

I love holding him... like this... love how... vulnerable he is to me... love... feeling so close to him... he lets his guard down... and lets me... calm him... love him...

He shifts a little... his breathing changes very slightly... I release his legs and let my arms slide to the side... I know he’s going to move... he always does after a little while of being close like this... it’s like he’s unconsciously aware that he could suffocate me... though he never would...

His body slips off mine... and I inhale deeply... getting a full breath into my lungs now that the weight compressing them is gone... he rolls onto his back... his arm flinging out over my chest... just touching... just connecting... I love his warm touch... he’s there if I want him... but he gives me my space too... never crowding me in bed... just... feeling the heat from each other’s bodies is enough...

I watch his face as he slips back into deep sleep... his mouth dropping open slightly... face so... perfectly calm... serene...

I try to close my eyes... try to... find that calm... but... there’s pain still... and anxiety... and... I can’t do it... can’t... do it...

Try... try... try...

I force my eyes closed... breathe deep... breath after breath after breath... in and out... in and out... in and out... calm... relax...

Start to slip away...

Pain starts to fade...

It’s quiet...

Relaxed...

Sleep... sleep... sleep... sleep...

Darkness... all over... everywhere... but I’m warm... and safe... and... and..

And...

And...

My-heart-is-pounding-and-I-can’t-stop-smiling-and-I-feel-like-I’m-flying-my-feet-aren’t-even-touching-the-ground-and-I-hear-Brian’s-voice-calling-my-name-but-something’s-wrong-he-doesn’t-sound-right-and-I-turn-around-the-smile-still-on-my-face-and-I-see-the-wooden-bat-come-hurltling-towards-my-face-but-it’s-too-late-too-late-toolate-toolate-toolatetoolatetoolate...

*CRACK*

“Fuck!” I gasp in a breath... my eyes pop open... my face is wet... I rub my hand over my cheek... blood... blood... everywhere...

No... of course there isn’t.

There’s nothing there... but tears...

I feel the cold rush of fear pass through my body... try to get it out... try to remember it’s all over and that I’m safe here with Brian...

I look over at him... he’s still asleep...I guess part of us living together... has taught me to keep quiet when I burst out of a nightmare... and has taught him to sleep through them... even though he always knows when I’ve had them... and gets mad at me for not waking him...

Why should I?

Why tell the same story over and over and over and over again... because it’s always the same... always the same...

Christ... my headache is building again... the pressure behind my eyes so strong it’s like my brain is growing bigger by the second...

Suck in a long breath... wipe the tears from my face with the back of my hand... stare at Brian... look at him... try to absorb his calm... his... peace...

I close my eyes briefly... but they fly open again... the nightmare hasn’t gone yet... the bat... keeps swinging towards my head... that last flash of remembrance... before everything faded to black for weeks...

I slide out of bed and go into the kitchen... quietly opening each of the cabinet doors... looking for... looking for... looking for...

Found it. My pain meds. I know Brian tried to hide them... though I don’t know why... if he wants to know how many I’ve taken, he just has to count them... though... that seems such an intrusive thing to do that I know he wouldn’t...

Fuck... my hands start shaking and I fight to open the bottle before I know it’ll get so bad I won’t be able to do it anymore... finally twist it off... drop two pills in my palm... swallow them quickly...

Don’t know why... I ever thought... I could relive all this again so soon... telling my story through the comic book...

Yes... I need to talk about it... yes... I need to deal with it... yes... I have a story to tell about ignorance and intolerance and people need to know about it...

But... sometimes I need to cry about it... and get mad... and want to find Chris Hobbes... and fucking beat the shit out of him, kick him, smash his face in... for changing my life... forever...

No one wants to see that struggle... they want to believe that it’s over and that I’m okay... but... it’s not... and I’m not... no one wants to see the fear and pain and terror I feel... no one wants to listen to me when I cry... no one wants to let me beat on their chest in rage... no one wants to hold me to them when I start shaking so hard I think my heart will stop... no one wants to know... how much I fucking hurt... sometimes...

Except... Brian...

And... I hated what it was doing to him...

Hated the panic I’d see reflected back at me... hated... that he must have felt as though I was losing it... hated... the harsh words that could come out of my mouth... God... I remember when I’d fucking given up hope... quit school... and then I chastised him for trying to help me... I fucking laughed at him... for trying to solve... all of my problems...

And he’d always tell me... not to think about it... to forget it... to... just let it go...

I knew it was because he wanted not to think about it... to forget it... to... just let it go...

The guilt was eating away at him... and as much as I tried to tell him over and over... it wasn’t his fault... it was like the more I said it... the less he believed me... 

And so... I stopped talking about it...

Except... it’s still here... swirling around in my brain... the pain and fear all hiding beneath the surface... just waiting... just waiting...

Of course Ethan knew about the bashing... I mean... everyone fucking knew about it... I just told him... it wasn’t nearly as bad as the comic book portrayed it... never told him... how... much I got hurt... how much it changed me...

And I never, ever told him... about the dance... the words... the way I felt...

Even as those thoughts came to me... flashes of memories... that suddenly jumped in my head... making me ache for Brian... for that Brian... the one that kissed me... in front of everyone...

The pain meds start to kick in and I crawl back to bed... Brian rolls on his side and drapes his arm around me... and I lie on my side... pushing my body back into his... feeling the curve of his chest against my back... his thighs against mine... knees against mine... and he pulls me closer to him...

This is what it’s about...

Fuck words.

Fuck rules.

Fuck boyfriends and flowers and picnics...

This is what it’s about.

I close my eyes... the medication dulling any thoughts... let the darkness overtake me...

Go on to Part 9...