And then he said it...

All I thought I wanted to hear...

All I thought I ever needed from Brian...

And...

And...

I got really scared... fucking freaked shitless... because...

It wasn’t everything...

It wasn’t...

I mean, it was more than I ever expected... more than I ever thought he’d say to me...

And my heart leapt when those words passed his lips... my stomach flip-flopped... because... I’d finally heard what I’d been waiting two years to hear...

But...

But...

With the words... came the realization... that... though the feeling is there... the... emotion and passion and... love... is all there...

There’s so much more...

To work for... to try for...

There’s respect and compassion and caring and forgiveness and patience and understanding and support and bravery and hurting and giving in and letting go... and... so much more...

Saying those words... meant... nothing...

Feeling it... knowing it... learning to hear it... that’s the hard part...

Some stupid part of me expected that when Brian finally said it... that... something huge was supposed to happen... that... everything would be different... that I would be different and that he would be different... and it would all be so easy and we’d just be together and that would be all there was to it...

So wrong... so fucking wrong...

The only thing I know right now... is that I love him... and I will always love him... no matter what... and I know... that... he loves me too... really know it now...

Christ...

I wish that could be enough.... and that our lives could just stay like this... forever... that... life would stop...

But I know it won’t...

I know I still have nightmares... demons inside me that I need to battle...

I know Brian still has secrets... things from his past that he will never share with me... can’t share with me...

I know I need things he won’t give...

I know I give things he doesn’t need...

I know... he won’t change for me... and I wonder... how I’ll feel the next time I see him fucking someone else...

I wonder... if I’ll ever meet someone again... that... will... tempt me... like Ethan did...

But... I guess that’s part of being together...

Nothing will ever be perfect... because... there is no such thing as perfect...

Brian will fuck up...

I will fuck up...

But...

I hope I can remember... what it’s like right now... and remind him of this tiny little moment in time when neither one of us was lying or protecting himself or the other... when... maybe it is as close to perfect as I’ll ever get...

And that’s all can ask for...

All I can expect.

That we’ll both try to be together and stop trying to be apart.

And maybe that’s enough.