BRIAN'S POV

Aw... fuck.

I turn on my heel and take a step towards the door... then stop. Close my eyes and take a deep breath... and turn around again and walk back in to Woody’s... back towards the blond hair... back towards Justin...

I lean against a stool, a little ways behind him. I won’t let him chase me out of my hangouts, but I’m not sure I want to talk to him just yet... more to the point, I don’t trust myself to talk to him... don’t trust myself not to say harsh words I don’t mean... snide remarks that gouge at him... but I’m sober now... and not fucked up like I was when he confronted me in Babylon... and I don’t think I’d say those things now.

I know I wouldn’t say those things now.

Wouldn’t try and get my message across in quite that way... blond boy ass... I called him. Fuck. Wasn’t a fair thing to say... but the words spilled out of my throat and over my lips and stung him... and all he could do is stand there... and look at me... like I’d hit him...

Screw it. Forget it.

My eyes trail down his shoulders to his ass... then back up to his blond hair... he’s hunched over a little, and I can see from here that something’s wrong... the fact that he even is here... and here alone, so late, just proves it.

Why is it that I can always fucking predict what’s going to happen? Why don’t any of these lovesick fools see it for themselves?

I hate being right all the time.

My eyes flick away, then back to the bar, and Justin’s head dips down again as he lights another cigarette. I almost think he’s going to turn and see me, but he doesn’t... just sucks back the smoke. I see his cheeks curve in a little as he drags on the cigarette... then he exhales slowly... the smoke circling his head lazily, like a thick cloud hovering over him.

I shouldn’t stare at him... shouldn’t stand here and just watch him... but it’s nearly empty in here and there’s no one watching me... and... I like looking at him. Makes me feel good just to rest my eyes on him.

His hair pushes over the collar of his jacket... thick blond chunks that tempt me. I clench my fingers unconsciously, imagining getting tangled up in that golden mess... pushing his face forward into mine for a kiss... holding him to me as we share each breath through our noses... tongues intertwined, then grabbing handfuls of his silky hair and pulling his head backwards so I can run my tongue up his neck... tickling his pale skin... sucking on that soft spot where his throat meets his collarbone... mmm... fuck...

The long hair makes him look older somehow, and suddenly it seems like it’s been years since we’ve been apart, not months.

Fuck, I haven’t seen that wicked grin of his for ages... lips curling into a smile... nose crinkling up... tip of his tongue stuck between his teeth as he’d tempt me with some sexual favour or he’d demand I give one to him... which I always did.

Jesus, I can’t help but wonder if he actually likes the sex with this kid. And sometimes when I lie in bed alone... my hand on my dick, stroking myself lazily... I wonder if he’s getting fucked enough... getting everything he needs...

I wonder if this other one has learned the thousand ways to make Justin groan with pleasure... if he knows how long to lick and tickle Justin’s asshole before he squirms in ecstasy... how hard to pound his cock in Justin’s ass before he grabs handfuls of the sheets or his hair between his fingers or reaches for his partner’s hands or face... crying out with each breath till he cums... eyes scrunched shut... mouth open and gasping for air... if he knows how softly to suck Justin’s cock before he whimpers for more more more...

I wonder if they sleep together the same way... if Justin wraps his arms around this other one’s body... throws his leg across his thighs... nestles his head in his neck... soft hair brushing against the other’s cheek... those long tendrils lying across his face...

I wonder if Justin whispers those words I loved to hear... breathes out his demand to be fucked... in that throaty rasp full of desperation and lust... full of expectation and desire...

I wonder if he still does all those things that seemed unique to him... and only for me...

Maudlin thoughts... stupid thoughts... ignorant man that I am to think that.

Fuck... I’ll think it. I’ll let myself pretend he only had those things with me. Easier that way.

He stubs out the cigarette, and I feel myself jerk forward, instinctively, protectively, as some asshole sits down beside him, putting down his glass of beer and pulling over an ashtray.

Some words pass between them and I see the guy, not bad looking, mid-20s, reach over Justin and grab his matches. He pulls one out and lights his cigarette, letting the smoke spill out his nose as he speaks. Can’t hear what they’re saying... just low words. Justin leans away from him a little... then he’s shaking his head... shaking his head... the guy persists... then I hear it clearly...

“I said, fuck off!” Justin’s voice is deep... but wavering. I grip the edge of the stool I’m leaning against to stop myself from going over there.

Gotta remember. He’s not mine to protect anymore.

The guy stands up, leaving his drink and barely smoked cigarette in the ashtray.

“Asshole,” he says then walks away, out of the bar.

Justin’s shoulders drop a little, and he leans his head on his hand... rocking back and forth so slightly... only I would notice it.

He glances over to the bartender, waving at him for another drink. The guy brings it and talks to Justin for a second, then leaves.

And I stand here and stare at him... witnessing it all... watching everything...

Watching the rise and fall of his back... watching his fingers pull through his hair... watching him beat himself up... for whatever the fuck the goddamn fiddler did...

Christ. I thought he was going to be happy now. I thought that was the point.

Ah... but the point is really that Justin’s got what he thought he wanted. Got everything I never gave him... and...

Well... here he is... alone...

He lights another cigarette and sips at the liquor. I decide to show my face.

JUSTIN’S POV

From the second he walked in, I knew Brian was behind me. I knew he was watching me. I felt him there... knew he watched that fucker try to pick me up... wondered if he’d have come over to step in if the guy had gotten any pushier.

I kind of like the feel of his eyes on his neck. Like knowing that he’s watching me... staring at me. Makes me feel like he wants me... even just a little bit.

Even though I don’t know if I should hate him because he was right...

Or thank him for trying to warn me.

It’s easier to hate him.

Easier to blame Brian somehow for this mess, than to accept that...

Fuck.

Accept that Ethan would really want to do this to me.

I should’ve known. That much is clear. I said it myself months ago... fags will say anything to get their dick sucked or fuck a nice ass...

My own words coming back to me now.

I guess I didn’t really believe it then, but now I know it’s true. When I said it, I was trying to make myself believe it... make myself think that that is true... because that’s who I was then... who Brian and I were then...

And then Ethan came along and changed that... temporarily. But now I realize he just proved it as true, no matter who I try to be.

Ethan knew exactly what to say to me... what I needed to hear... what I wanted him to say...

He said everything... from the first fucking time I saw him, to the next time, to that fucking fated night that never should’ve happened... that night I was so stupid and pathetic and childish... running from Brian into someone else’s arms...

Ethan knew it all. What to tell me to make me his... to make me want to... try something else... someone else...

I love you...

I love you...

I love you...

He said it over and over and over.

Now I know that it’s just words... and that they don’t mean shit. They mean fucking nothing, because I don’t think there is one goddamn thing that Ethan could say to make me forgive him for this.

For lying to me.

For hurting me in such a way that he had to know... would hurt me the most.

Cheating on me.

Fucking, cheating on me.

How many times did I tell him how much I hated that Brian couldn’t be satisfied just being with me?

How many times did he tell me that all he wanted was to just be with me?

I know I’m a hypocrite. I know I was fucking Ethan and Brian at the same time.

But that was different.

Ethan knew.

And Brian didn’t give a shit.

I do give a shit. I do fucking care if my boyfriend is getting his dick sucked by someone else. My boyfriend should only want to get his fucking dick sucked by me. Not anyone else. Not just some fucking guy that walks up to him... and... says some words... and then...

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I push my hands through my hair and swallow back a lump in my throat. I’m not going to shed one goddamn tear over another lost love. I refuse to do it.

But... I hate how he’s made me feel. Hate that I feel... worthless... and replaceable. Hate this niggling feeling I have inside... that maybe I’ll never be more than that to anyone. Maybe all I am is... what did Brian call me... ... blond boy ass...  

Maybe that’s all I am to everyone. A twink. An ass to fuck. A mouth for sucking. A body to be licked and kissed. Nothing more.

Guess I’m just a piece of ass. That’s it.

And whatever these rings mean... and Ethan’s continued professions of love...

Mean nothing.

Just words that he needs to say... to get me to suck his dick... or let him fuck me...

How fucking stupid am I to have fallen for all that bullshit anyway?

No one is really like that. No one really says those things. Says them and means them.

For him I was willing to turn my back on my pride? For him I was willing to give up everything?

For him... I left Brian?

Brian...

His eyes burning into the back of my neck.

I light another cigarette and take a long drag... the smoke burning my lungs... the smell always, always, always, making me think of Brian... of that first night together... of lying in bed... after he fucked me that first time...

I remember after he came... and pressed his face into mine for a minute... he sighed... then rolled off me, onto his back... pulled off the condom... tossed it aside, and reached over to the bedside table... lit a cigarette...

I laid there beside him... shaking from the intensity... covered with my own cum... my asshole burning hot... a pain I’d never felt before... hurting, but in such a good way... and that empty feeling... overwhelming me... all I wanted was to be full with him inside me again...

Beads of sweat ran down his chest and glistened in the blue lights over the bed... my heart pounded in my ears... and I struggled not to breathe so hard... not to hear the stuttered gasps as they left my throat...

But I couldn’t help it. I’d just experienced the most exhilarating... amazing... thing ever. I’d just shared myself with this beautiful man. I’d just. done something that proved to me who I was... who I would become... proved to me the things I’d always thought... the things I suspected about myself and my true feelings... all just culminating in a mind-blowing fuck.

And I loved him. My heart pounded with emotion. He made me feel important that night. Made me feel accepted and proud somehow. I knew I’d never be scared or confused again.

He’d looked at me and smiled. Laughing a little at me, I know. Laughing at my wide-eyed stare... laughing at the look on my face, no doubt... and he passed me the cigarette... my lips touched the damp paper where his just were... I pulled the smoke into my mouth and held it there... not really a smoker then... not really smoking so much to really enjoy it... but just wanting to share this with him too...

He’d said to me, “You’re not a virgin anymore,” as he pulled the cigarette from my fingers and I’d smiled, and nodded my head... still feeling him inside me... burning that sense into my memory forever... and let the words settle in. He’d grinned at me, then stubbed out the cigarette... rolled on his side... cupped my face in his hands... kissed me... tenderly... surprisingly so... like he was remembering his own first time...and the words he’d said to me as he fucked me... I want you to always remember this... so that no matter who you’re ever with... I’ll always be there... echoed in my head... and I knew... I’d always remember him. That there would be no way I could ever, ever forget. I’d always remember that moment of realization... of discovery... of ecstasy... of love... and I never, ever wanted to let that feeling slip away...

Brian gave me that...

Brian gave me a lot.

Brian didn’t ever give me words, or rings, or picnics or flowers.

But...

What he did give me... I could never even quantify how important those things were... never even imagine... what my life would be like if I hadn’t had Brian there... to guide me... and teach me... and fuck with me... pushing me back down to reality... being harsh with me, and letting me hate him when I needed to hate somebody...

Brian always was there... in my heart and in my head...

Always will be there...

Now I see how stupid and selfish I was to think that Ethan was perfect. That Ethan would never do these things to me.

But he knew all the words and all the things to say... and even gave me a ring. A fucking ring...

When he pulled it out of the box... Christ. I felt this bite in my stomach... part of me leaping with joy because this was what I always wanted... another part... despairing because I knew he was trying to placate me with things and words that meant nothing in the middle of the night when I would be lying in bed alone, thinking of him away from me... and another part... feeling... apprehensive and... like... everything was happening too fast... and that I still had too much feeling for the other to take on a commitment like this...

But it was because he gave me that damn ring... that I had the confidence to go see him in Harrisburg... thinking that he’d be so fucking happy to see me... I never planned to make a big deal out of it... I just wanted him to know that I came... that I was there... and that he was amazing and incredible and that I couldn’t bear to miss his first performance... I did what my heart told me to do... didn’t censor myself because I feared retribution from my lover or because I would listen to those stupid rules his agent set out... Ethan signed the contract, not me...

Driving out there in Daphne's car... I felt excited... I was going to wait at Ethan’s hotel for him... but then decided to go to the symphony... despite the fact that I had little in my savings account to afford such things... 

So I got the cheap student ticket... and sat way up in the back... and closed my eyes and listened to his music... imagining we were in the apartment and I was lying on my stomach on the bed... listening to him play, and sketching him as the music danced around the small room... I was anticipating the look on his face when he saw I was there... I knew he’d be overjoyed... I knew that... he’d see this as our little secret... and I’d go up to him after the performance and shake his hand very dignified like... and... wink at him when no one was looking...

Prove to him and his fucking agent... that... it’s not right to hide... and that... maybe I just won’t hide... after all...

When the concert was over, I hung out in the lobby with everyone else... listening to all the compliments for Ethan’s performance and mentally filing them away to tell Ethan later... he’d love it... genius... young talent... striking performance... handsome... words bounced around me as I scanned the floor... looking for him... wondering when he’d appear... and then everyone started clapping and I turned around and saw him at the top of the staircase... basking in the attention... and I knew that he really was born for this... that... he was destined for success... that people loved him... his charm... his look... his talent...

He descended the first staircase with his agent... interrupted by fans all the way down... then his agent left his side, and I saw my chance... I smiled and took a few steps up... wanting him to see me from afar... wanting him to see my familiar face in this crowd of foreign ones...

And then... it happened... the guy appeared out of nowhere... and though I couldn’t hear what they were saying... I know damn well what a proposition looks like... watched Brian too many fucking times... knew it, from nights at Woody’s... nights at Babylon...

Christ! So fucking subtle. Like anyone who was watching him didn’t know he was going to get his fucking dick sucked. And that’s what he turned to do... little scan across the faces... never looking down... never coming across my face... watching him... seeing him... witnessing everything...

The pain hit me hard... that... that... familiar stab in my heart... that... icy cold hand gripping me inside... I couldn’t believe what I was seeing... I thought that I must’ve been mistaken...

But Ethan... had that look... that familiar grin... that cock of the head and smile in his eyes... directed... somewhere else.... and then I knew... that he’d played me as aptly as he’d played his violin...

Leave the boyfriend at home... get some cock on the road...

Wished I was there, did he? Did he think if he said it enough I would believe him?

Don’t want to think about that now... think about him... following that guy wherever they were going for a quick fuck... think about what they might be doing... right this second...

I tap the ring on the edge of the glass... listen to the hollow echo... I think about what I’ll say to Ethan... should I confront him? Should I wait to see if he confesses? Should I see if his digression has changed the way he acts around me?

I don’t know yet. I’ll have to wait and see how I feel tomorrow when I see him.

I sense Brian coming nearer and then he sits down beside me at the bar... I’m overwhelmed with his presence... these familiar aromas and sounds... expensive cologne and liquor... clearing of his throat and his breath...

He reaches over me and grabs my matches from where that asshole dropped them... his arm snaking out in front of me... but I want it behind me... I want to fall into his embrace and let him make it all go away... let him take me to that place... where I feel safe and content and satisfied... where I know the score, no surprises, just familiar, amazing lovemaking... but... I can’t do that...

Brian would laugh at me... harshly this time... and his words from before... still stung me... his words... still echoed in my ears... maybe he was just telling me the truth... maybe all I am is a piece of ass... not deserving of love and romance... maybe I will be chasing it for the rest of my life... spinning my wheels looking for words instead of spending my time searching for fuck after fuck after fuck, like Brian...

I grab my glass and knock back the rest of my drink... ignoring the way his knee is brushing against my ass... fucker... I know he’s doing that on purpose...

He lights his cigarette... offering to buy me another drink, but... I say no. I want to say yes... I want to just let him take me home... push me back on the bed... rip off my clothes... slide his dick in my ass... and fuck me hard... fuck me till I forget the last months of my life... fuck me till we both forget... fuck me till it doesn’t ever matter anymore...

But... I don’t... 

He leans back a little on the chair. “Where’s your fiancé?” he asks.

I could say something snarky back. Acknowledge his little dig. Fiancé my ass. But, instead I bite my tongue. “He's playing somewhere.”

I get the up and down look from him. Feel like he’s got a million comments he wants to shove in my face. A hundred ‘I told you so’s’ just brimming beneath the surface. I brace myself for more cruel words. Swallow hard and get ready to hear whatever the fuck he’s going to say to make me realize... again... that he was right.

But instead, he just pulls his lips into his mouth... looks down at my hands... reaches across in front of me and for a blazing second, for one crazy moment... I feel his palm hover over the back of my hand... and I think of all the times he’s done that to me... thread his fingers between mine... while he pounded my ass to the bed... the way he'd squeeze his fingers with mine... just that second before we both came... and the familiar feeling... the thrill it gives me... is... just wrong...

He taps the ring on my finger... not even touching me...

“Well... luckily... you have this...” his soft words wash over me... and I know what he’s really saying... without saying it... not anything I haven’t been thinking for the last hours since I saw Ethan...

But... to hear him say it... not meanly... not harshly... just... say it...

Christ... I hear it this time.

BRIAN’S POV

I tap the cheap metal on his finger.

“Well... luckily... you have this...” I say... then stand up and take a few steps away.

“See ya,” I trail behind me as I leave... knowing I’ve left him with a heavy heart... but if he’d made just one fucking indication that he wanted me to touch him... I would’ve.

Hope he thinks about that fucking ring and sees how unimportant it is. Sees how meaningless it is, when you’re sitting in a bar... getting drunk by yourself... feeling sorry for yourself... denying yourself what you really want...

That fucking ring just binds him... just locks him down... doesn’t he see that? It’s not a show of commitment, it’s a show of possession. It’s to remind him all the fucking time that he’s owned by someone else... that he owes someone else...

I’d never do that to him.

I gave Justin freedom.. and maybe he realizes what that’s really worth now... what... that means now...

Maybe he realizes... that I loved him in the ways I could... even if it wasn’t the ways he wanted...

Fuck it.

I get a shot at the bar and knock it back. This place is dead tonight, and it’s late. Only lovers and forlorn twinks. Grab my jacket from the stool and steal a glance at Justin.

I stop. He’s staring at me from over his shoulder and he quickly looks away when I catch his gaze. He’s caught. Busted.

He knows. And I let a smile creep across my lips. As much as I want to go back there, I won’t.

Things need to be different this time. I’ve let him know I’m here. He knows it.

And I’ll give him what I’ve always given him.

Freedom.