The sun streams through the windows… making the loft… warm… comfortable…

I lie back on the bed… the sheets cool beneath me… and I take… a… deep… breath.

I’m relaxed… content… happy… just lying here… knowing… soon… he’ll be with me…

Moments pass… I don’t know how long… I stare up at the concrete ceiling… looking at nothing… noticing little cracks and ridges in the concrete… noticing… things I don’t normally see…

I don’t want to sleep… but I don’t want to move… just… lie here… hands beside me, stretched out on the bed…

It’s so quiet.

And I just breathe… waiting for him…

The whirr of the elevator hums through the walls… growing nearer… and stops… I know he’s home. I hear the metal door slide open… then closed… a piece of clothing drop… shoes kicked off… footsteps… nearing me…

I close my eyes as he comes closer… hear his feet on the few steps up to the bedroom… he stops…

“Hey,” he says… so softly. He knows I’m not asleep… I let the corners of my mouth draw up into a tiny smile. “You okay?” he asks.

I take a deep breath and let it out… opening my eyes to see him… I stretch out on the bed… nod… grinning…

“Yep,” I say.

He grins at me back… stands there a moment… looking at me… I don’t mind… in fact I like the way his eyes wash over me… taking in everything… seeing everything… he looks me up and down then crawls up the bed, flopping down beside me.

He lies on his side, propping his head up on his elbow. I turn to look at him… our eyes locked the whole time. No words. Nothing to say.

We lean into each other… and kiss… just a touch of our lips… but… it’s nice…

I sit up a little to kiss him more… but he puts his hand on my shoulder… pushing me back onto the bed… I lie back like he wants me to… he follows my lips… leaning over me… kissing me softly…

His lips press against mine harder… I feel his tongue touch my lips… and I open my mouth… to let him in… he licks my lips softly… his tongue running across my mouth… then inside… sliding across my tongue… his breath fills my throat… we’re so close…

He rolls on top of me… and I spread my legs apart… he slides between them… our crotches pushing together… and he lays his head down on my chest… I suck in the scent of his hair… it’s clean… sweet… the smell I fall asleep with… every night…

He holds me to him tightly… wrapping his fingers beneath me… and I push up his shirt… brushing my fingers across the skin on his back… loving how he shivers… just a tiny bit… at my touch…

A sigh escapes his lips… soft… quiet… the only sound… here…

He sits up… looking at me… pushing himself up for a kiss… then he leans back again… our eyes just lock… and we breathe… in tandem… and… we just look… and stare… hazel eyes and blue eyes… locked... for what seems like forever.

He pushes up my shirt… revealing my bare chest… and he presses his warm cheek to my skin… rubbing his skin across mine… soft… amazing… wonderful… then… he turns his lips to my chest… and kisses me there… his tongue darting out… to lick me… touch me… as he moves down my body… pushing on my cock as he moves… he unbuttons my jeans… grabbing the belt loops… pulling them off me as he slides off the bed…

I watch as he takes off his clothes… I pull off my shirt… and it’s both us again… just us… thousands of times before… thousands of times ahead…

He comes back to the bed… and lightly takes my dick in his fingers… lightly rubbing… squeezing… then… then… hummm… oh… his lips… just touch… the head… oh… of my cock… oh… then his wet tongue… licking… at that fuckin’ spot… where it feels so good… licking… then flicking… then… lips… again…

Just focus there… focus there… I can’t help but arch my back… into his mouth… wanting to be inside him… so fuckin’ bad… any place inside…

He pushes my legs up higher… reaching… for me… licking my balls… behind my balls… pulling them into his mouth… holding me inside… and I feel vulnerable and shaky… so fucking gone in him…

His mouth on my cock again… the palm of his hand pushing my balls… rubbing his spit around… and… fuck… I cum… quick… so quick… but… it’s so hard not to… with him…

He climbs up my body… I’m still sucking in air… trying to breathe…

His lips on mine… taste so good… his fingers touch my shoulder… Christ… I know what he wants… I want it too…

I roll onto my stomach… he climbs on top of me… his warm skin pressed against every inch of my body… I feel the coolness as he leaves to put on a condom… then back… and the press against me… then… a pinch… and… then… oh God… he’s inside… fuck… so good… the sense of being so full of him… Christ… all I want… all I want… and he slides his cock in and out so slowly… so deliberately… and I love it… filling me and leaving me… filling me… leaving… then always coming back… to be inside… me…

He gets faster and I know he’s not long… I push back on him… wanting him to let go… to release… because I know he wants to fuck me forever… oh… but he hits me inside… hm… over and over again… and I suddenly feel dizzy and hot and… shit… I slide up my hips and his fingers quickly wrap around my cock… jerking me off and I cum again… and he cums… pushing air from his lungs onto my neck… little cries… little whimpers…

I let go… collapse on the bed… he falls beside me… discarding the condom… and I roll on my side… he slides into my embrace… and we touch all over… and… I think about… how many more afternoons like this we have… in each other’s arms… how many more days… I get to spend with him… a lifetime… together…

And…

I wake up.

Open my eyes.

Morning sun streams in the loft windows… but… it’s cold… not warm… too cold…

I start to reach out my hand… but I stop midway… turn my back on the place where… Justin should’ve been…

It’s morning. Three a.m. has long past.

And I… am…

Alone.

A familiar feeling… yet so foreign… right now…

I couldn’t remember what time I came home last night from that fuckin’ Rage party I threw at Babylon… but I know it was on time… before our time… and I knew that Justin wouldn’t be here… home… knew damn well… not to expect him… but I guess I did anyway… a little part of me… made me lie awake… till way past five… until… the drug and drink and fatigue finally washed over me… letting me sleep…

And dream.

And even though I knew that Justin wouldn’t be here… I hadn’t expected… that so much of Justin wouldn’t be here… clothes missing… sketchbooks taken… his toothbrush… gone.

Gone.

I’m not going to let it get to me. Can’t.

I tore off my mask at the party… telling Justin… I see you… I SEE YOU JUSTIN!!! I’d wanted to scream it. Christ. Why couldn’t I do it… why couldn’t I just let… myself do… what Justin wanted…

Give Justin words.

He thinks I can’t. So wrong. I told him. I can. I just… won’t.

I can’t change who I am… no - I won’t change who I am… not for anyone.

No apologies…

Just regrets…